The Whale And The Grasshopper

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Title:     The Whale And The Grasshopper
Author: Seumas O'Brien [More Titles by O'Brien]

When Padna Dan started talking to his friend Micus Pat as they walked at a leisurely pace towards the town of Castlegregory on a June morning, what he said was: "The world is a wonderful place when you come to think about it, and Ireland is a wonderful place and so is America, and though there are lots of places like each other, there's no place like Ballysantamalo. When there's not sunshine there, there's moonshine, and the handsomest women in the world live there, and nowhere else except in Ireland or the churchyards could you find such decent people."

"Decency," said Micus, "when you're poor is extravagance, and bad example when you're rich."

"And why?" said Padna.

"Well," said Micus, "because the poor imitate the rich and the rich give to the poor and when the poor give to each other they have nothing of their own."

"That's communism you're talking," said Padna, "and that always comes before education and enlightenment. Sure, if the poor weren't decent they'd be rich, and if the rich were decent they'd be poor, and if every one had a conscience there'd be less millionaires."

"'Tis a poor bird that can't pick for himself."

"But suppose a bird had a broken wing and couldn't fly to where the pickings were?" said Micus.

"Well, then bring the pickings to him. That would be charity."

"But charity is decency and wisdom is holding your tongue when you don't know what you're talking about."

"If the people of Ballysantamalo are so decent, how is it that there are so many bachelors there? Do you think it right to have all the young women worrying their heads off reading trashy novels and doing all sorts of silly things like fixing their hair in a way that was never intended by nature and doing so for years and years and having nothing in the end but the trouble of it all?"

"Well, 'tis hard blaming the young men because every young lady you meet looks better to you than the last until you meet the next, and so you go from one to another until you're so old that no one would marry you at all unless you had lots of money, a bad liver, and a shaky heart."

"An old man without any sense, lots of money, a bad liver, and a shaky heart can always get a young lady to marry him," said Micus, "though rheumatics, gout, and a wooden leg are just as good in such a case."

"Every bit," said Padna, "but there's nothing like a weak constitution, a cold climate, and a tendency to pneumonia."

"Old men are queer," said Micus.

"They are," said Padna, "and if they were all only half as wise as they think they are, then there'd be only young fools in the world. I don't wonder a bit at the suffragettes. And a time will come when we won't know men from women unless someone tells us so."

"Wisha, 'tis my belief that there will be a great reaction some day, because women will never be able to stand the strain of doing what they please without encountering opposition. When a man falls into love he falls into trouble likewise, and when a woman isn't in trouble you may be sure that there's something wrong with her."

"Well," said Padna, "I think we will leave the women where the Devil left St. Peter,--"

"Where was that?" asked Micus.

"Alone," answered Padna.

"That would be all very fine if they stayed there," said Micus.

"Now," said Padna, "as I was talking of my travels in foreign parts, I want to tell you about the morning I walked along the beach at Ballysantamalo, and a warm morning it was too. So I ses to meself, 'Padna Dan,' ses I, 'what kind of a fool of a man are you? Why don't you take a swim for yourself?' So I did take a swim, and I swam to the rocks where the seals go to get their photographs taken, and while I was having a rest for myself I noticed a grasshopper sitting a short distance away and 'pon my word, but he was the most sorrowful-looking grasshopper I ever saw before or since. Then all of a sudden a monster whale comes up from the sea and lies down beside him and ses: 'Well,' ses he, 'is that you? Who'd ever think of finding you here! Why there's nothing strange under the sun but the ways of woman.'

"''Tis me that's here, then,' ses the grasshopper. 'My grandmother died last night and she wasn't insured either.'

"'The practice of negligence is the curse of mankind and the root of sorrow,' ses the whale. 'I suppose the poor old soul had her fill of days, and sure we all must die, and 'tis cheaper to be dead than alive at any time. A man never knows that he's dead when he is dead, and he never knows he's alive until he's married.'

"'You're a great one to expatiate on things you know nothing about like the barbers and the cobblers,' said the grasshopper. 'I only want to know if you're coming to the funeral to-morrow.'

"'I'm sorry I can't,' ses the whale. 'My grandfather is getting married for the tenth time and I was in China on the last few occasions. I must pay my respects by being present at to-morrow's festivities,' ses he.

"'I'm sorry you can't come,' ses the grasshopper, 'because you are heartily welcome and you'd add prestige to the ceremony besides.'

"'I know that,' ses the whale, 'but America don't care much about ceremony.'

"'Who told you that?' ses the grasshopper.

"'Haven't I my eyesight, and don't I read the newspapers?' ses the whale.

"'You mustn't read the society columns, then,' ses the grasshopper.

"'Wisha, for the love of St. Crispin,' ses the whale, 'have they society columns in the American newspapers?'

"'Indeed they have,' ses the grasshopper, 'and they oftentimes devote a few columns to other matters when the dressmakers don't be busy.'

"'America is a strange country surely, a wonderful country, not to say a word about the length and breadth of it. I swam around it twice last week without stopping, to try and reduce my weight, and would you believe me that I was tired after the journey, but the change of air only added to my proportions?'

"'That's too bad,' ses the grasshopper.

"'Are you an American?' ses the whale.

"'Of course I am,' ses the grasshopper. 'You don't think 'tis the way I'd be born at sea and no nationality at all, like yourself. I'm proud of my country.'

"'And why, might I ask?'

"'Well, don't we produce distinguished Irishmen, and make Americans of the Europeans and Europeans of the Americans? Think of all the connoisseurs who wouldn't buy a work of art in their own country, when they could go to Europe and pay ten times the value for the pot-boilers that does be turned out in the studios of Paris and London.'

"'There's nothing like home industry,' ses the whale, 'in a foreign country, I mean.'

"'After all, who knows anything about a work of art but the artist, and very little he knows about it either. A work of art is like a flower; it grows, it happens. That's all. And unless you charge the devil's own price for it, people will think you are cheating them.'

"'Wisha, I suppose the best any one can do is to take all you can get and if you want to be a philanthropist give away what you don't want,' ses the grasshopper.

"'All worth missing I catches,' ses the whale, 'and all worth catching I misses, like the fisherman who lost the salmon and caught a crab. How's things in Europe? I didn't see the papers this morning.'

"'Europe is in a bad way,' ses the grasshopper. 'She was preaching civilization for centuries, so that she might be prepared when war came to annihilate herself.'

"'It looks that way to me,' ses the whale. 'Is there anything else worth while going on in the world?'

"'There's the Irish question,' ses the grasshopper.

"'Where's that Ireland is?' ses the whale. 'Isn't that an island to the west of England?'

"'No,' ses the grasshopper, 'but England is an island to the east of Ireland.'

"'Wisha,' ses the whale, 'it gives me indigestion to hear people talking about Ireland. Sure, I nearly swallowed it up by mistake while I was on a holiday in the Atlantic last year, and I'm sorry now that I didn't.'

"'And I'm sorry that you didn't try,' ses the grasshopper. 'Then you'd know something about indigestion. The less you have to say about Ireland, the less you'll have to be sorry for. Remember that my father came from Cork.'

"'Can't I say what I like?' ses the whale.

"'You can think what you like,' ses the grasshopper, 'but say what other people like if you want to be a good politician.'

"'There's nothing so much abused as politics,' ses the whale.

"'Except politicians,' ses the grasshopper. 'Only for the Irish there'd be no one bothering about poetry and the drama to-day. Only for fools there'd be no wise people, and only for sprats, hake, and mackerel there'd be no whales, and a good job that would be too.'

"'What's that you're saying?' ses the whale very sharply.

"'Don't have me to lose my temper with you,' ses the grasshopper.

"'Wisha, bad luck to your impudence and bad manners, you insignificant little spalpeen. How dare you insult your superiors?' ses the whale.

"'Who's my superior?' says the grasshopper. 'You, is it?'

"'Yes, me then,' says the whale.

"'Well,' ses the grasshopper, 'there's no doubt but vanity, ignorance, and ambition are three wonderful things, and you have them all.'

"'Another word from you,' ses the whale, 'and I'll put you where Napoleon put the oysters.'

"'Neither you, nor Napoleon, nor the Kaiser himself and his hundred million men could do hurt or harm to me. You could have every soldier in the German army, the French army, and the Salvation Army looking for me, and I'd put the comether on them all.'

"'I can't stand this any longer,' ses the whale, and then and there he hits the rock a whack of his tail, and when I went to look for the grasshopper, there he was sitting on the whale's nose as happy and contented as if nothing had happened. And when he jumped back to the rock again, he says: 'A little exercise when 'tis tempered with discretion never does any harm, but violent exertion is a very foolish thing if you value your health. But it is only people who have no sense, but think they have it all, who make such errors.'

"'If I could only get a hold of you,' ses the whale, 'I'd knock some of the pride out of you.'

"'That would be an ungentlemanly way of displaying your displeasure,' ses the grasshopper.

"'I'd scorn,' ses he, 'to use violent means with you, or do you physical injury of any kind. All you want is self control and a little education. You should know that quantity without quality isn't as good as quality without quantity.'

"'Sure, 'tis I'm the fool to be wasting my time listening to the likes of you,' ses the whale. 'If any of my own family saw me now, I'd never hear the end of it.'

"'Indeed,' ses the grasshopper, 'no one belonging to me would ever recognise me ever again if they thought I was trying to make a whale behave himself. There would be some excuse for one of my attainments feeling proud. But as for you--!'

"'And what in the name of nonsense can you do except give old guff out of you?'

"'I haven't time to tell you all,' ses the grasshopper. 'But to commence with, I can travel all over the world and have the use of trains, steamers, sailing ships, and automobiles and will never be asked to pay a cent, and I can live on the dry land all my life if I choose, while you can't live under water, or over water, on land or on sea, and while all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't catch me if they were trying till the crack of doom, you could be caught by a few poor ignorant harmless sailors, who wouldn't know a crow from a cormorant and who'd sell your old carcass to make oil for foolish wives to burn and write letters to other people's husbands and fill the world with trouble.'

"'And what about all the whalebone we supplies for ladies' corsets and paper knives, and what about all the stories we make for the novelists and the moving pictures and--'"

"We're at the Sprig of Holly now," said Micus. "Is it a pint of porter or a bottle of stout you'll have?"

"I'll have a pint, I think," said Padna.

[The end]
Seumas O'Brien's short story: Whale And The Grasshopper

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