________________________________________________
Title: Dame Europe's Lodging-House
Author: Bill o'th' Hoylus End [
More Titles by Bill o'th' Hoylus End]
A BURLESQUE ON THE FRANCO-PRUSSIAN WAR.
Dame Europe kept a Lodging-House,
And she was fond of brass;
She took in public lodgers,
Of every rank and class.
She'd French and German, Dutch and Swiss,
And other nations too;
So poor old Mrs. Europe
Had lots of work to do.
I cannot just now name her beds,
Her number being so large;
But five she kept for deputies,
Which she had in her charge.
So in this famous Lodging-House,
John Bull he stood A1;
On him she always kept an eye,
To see things rightly done.
And Master Louis was her next,
And second, there's no doubt,
For when a little row took place,
He always backed John out.
And in her house was Alex. Russ;
Oft him they eyed with fear;
For Alex. was a lazy hound,
And kept a Russian Bear.
Her fourth was a man of grace,
Who was for heaven bent;
His name was Pious William,
He read his Testament.
Her fifth, too, was a pious Knave,
And 'tis our firm belief,
He once did rob the Hungary Lads
Of hard-earned bread and beef.
These were Dame Europe's deputies,
In whom she put her trust,
To keep her Lodging-House at peace,
In case eruption burst.
For many a time a row took place,
While sharing out the scran;
But John and Louis soon stepp'd in,
And cleared the padding can.
Once, Alex. Russ's father, Nick,
A bit before he died,
Did roughly seize a little Turk,
And thought to warm his hide.
But John and Louis interfered,
Declaring it foul play;
And made old Nick remember it
Until his dying day.
Now all Dame Europe's deputies,
They made themselves at home;
And every lodger knew his bed,
Likewise his sitting room.
They took great interest in their beds,
And kept them very clean;
Unlike some other padding cans,
So dirty and so mean.
The best and choicest bed of all,
Was occupied by Johnny;
Because the Dame did favour him,
He did collect her money.
And in a little bunk he lived,
Seal'd up with oak, and tarr'd;
He would not let a single one
Come near within a yard.
A Jack-of-all-trades, too, was John,
And aught he'd do for brass;
And what he ever took in hand,
No one could him surpass.
When tired of being shut in the bunk,
Sometimes he went across,
To spend an hour with Master Loo,
And they the wine would toss.
So many a happy day they spent,
These lads, with one another;
While every lodger in the house,
Thought John was Louis' brother.
The Dame allowed John something nice,
To get well in her rent,
Which every now and then i' t'bank,
He put it on per cent.
And working very hard himself
Amongst his tar and pitch;
He soon accumulated wealth,
That made him very rich.
Now Louis had a pleasant crib
Which was admired by lots,
And being close by a window,
He had some flower pots.
The next to Louis' bed was Will,
The biggest Monitor
And though he did pretend a saint,
He was as big a cur.
He loved to make them all believe
He was opposed to strife,
And said he never caused a row,
No, never in his life.
He was so fond of singing psalms,
And he read his testament;
That everybody was deceived
When he was mischief bent.
He seldom passed a lodger's bed
But what he took a glance,
Which made them every one suspect
He'd rob if he'd a chance.
Now Louis had two flower pots
He nourished with much care,
But little knew that Willie's eyes
Were set upon the pair.
In one there grew an ALSACE ROSE,
The other a LORRAINE,
And Willie vowed they once were his
And must be his again.
He said his father once lodged there,
And that the Dame did know
That Louis' predecessors once
Had sneaked them in a row.
In Willie's council was a lad
Well up to every quirk;
To keep him out of mischief long,
Dame Europe had her work.
To this smart youth Saint Willie
Did whisper his desire,
One night as they sat smoking,
Besides the kitchen fire--
"To get them flowers back again,"
Said Bissy, very low,
"Meet Louis somewhere on the quiet,
And try to cause a row.
"But mind the other deputies
Don't catch you on the hop,
For John and Joseph you must know
Your little game would stop.
"For Joseph he has not forgot
The day you warmed his rig;
And christian Denmark still thinks on
About his nice Slesvig."
"By your advice, my own Dear Mark,
I have been guided on,
But what about that man i't'bunk?"
(Pointing o'er to John.)
"He's very plucky too is John,
But yet he's very slow,
And perhaps he never may perceive
Our scheme about the row.
"But not another word of this
To anybody's ears,
The Dame she plays the list'ner,
I have my doubts and fears.
"So let us go upstairs at once,
I think it will be best,
And let us pray to Him above,
Before we go to rest."
So with a pious countenance,
His prayers as usual said,
But squinting round the room the while,
He spied an empty bed.
"What a pity that these empty stocks
Should be unoccupied;
Do you think my little cousin, Mark,
To them could be denied?"
"'Tis just the very thing," said Mark,
"Your cousin, sir, and you,
Would carry out my scheme first-rate,
One at each side of Loo."
The Dame being asked, did not object,
If he could pay the rent,
And had a decent character,
And Louis would consent.
"But I do object to this," says Loo,
"And on this very ground,
Willie and his cousins, ma'am,
They soon would me surround.
"They're nothing in my line at all
They are so near a-kin,
And so if I consent to this,
At once they'll hem me in."
"Oh! you couldn't think it, Master Loo,
That I should do you harm,
For don't I read my testament
And don't I sing my psalm."
"'Tis all my eye," said Louis, "both
Your testament and psalms;
You use the dumbbells regular
To strengthen up your arms.
"So take your poor relation off,
You pious-looking prig,
And open out Kit Denmark's box,
And give him back Slesvig."
"Come, come," says Mrs. Europe,
"Let's have no bother here,
You're trying now to breed a row,
At least it does appear."
Now Johnny hearing from the bunk
What both of them did say,
He shouted out, "Now stop it, Will,
Or else you'll rue the day."
"All right, friend John, I'm much obliged,
You are my friend, I know,
And so my little cousin, sir,
I'm willing to withdraw."
But Louis frothed at mouth with rage,
Like one that was insane,
And said he'd make Bill promise him
He'd not offend again.
"I'd promise no such thing," says Mark,
"For that would hurt your pride,
Sing on and read your testament,
Dame Europe's on your side."
"If I'd to promise aught like that,
'Twould be against my mind;
So take it right or take it wrong,
I'll promise naught o' t'kind."
"Then I shall take and wallop thee
Unless thou cuts thy stick;
And drive thee to thy fatherland
Before another week."
"Come on," cried Sanctimonius,
And sending out his arm
He caught poor Louis on the nose,
Then sung another psalm.
But Louis soon was on his pins,
And used his fists a bit,
But he was fairly out of breath,
And seldom ever hit.
And at the end of round the first,
He got it fearful hot,
This was his baptism of fire
If we mistake it not.
So Willie sent a letter home
To mother old Augusta,
Telling her he'd thrashed poor Loo,
And given him such a duster.
"What wonderful events," says he,
"Has heaven brought about,
I'll fight the greatest pugilist
That ever was brought out.
And if by divine Providence
I get safe through this row,
Then I will sing 'My God, the spring
From whom all blessings flow.'"
Meanwhile the other Monitors,
Were standing looking on,
But none of them dare speak a word,
But all stared straight at John.
"Ought not I to interfere?"
Says Johnny to the rest;
But he was told by every one
Neutrality was best.
"Neutral," growl'd John, "I hate the word,
'Tis poison to my ear;
It's another word for cowardice,
And makes me fit to swear.
"At any rate I can do this,
My mind I will not mask,
I'll give poor Loo a little drop
Out of my brandy flask.
"And give it up, poor Loo, my lad,
You might as well give in,
You know that I have got no power;
Besides, you did begin."
Then Louis rose, and looked at John,
And spoke of days gone by
When he would not have seen his friend
Have blackened Johnny's eye.
"And as for giving in, friend John,
I'll do nothing of the sort;
Do you think I'll be a laughing-stock
For everybody's sport."
This conversation that took place
Made pious Willie grin,
And tell John Bull to hold his noise,
'Twas nought to do with him.
These words to John did make him stare,
And finding to his shame,
That those were worse who did look on,
Than those who played the game.
Now Mrs. Europe knew the facts
Which had been going on,
And with her usual dignity,
These words addressed to John:
"Now, Mr. Bull, pray answer me,--
Why are you gaping here?
You are my famous deputy,
Then why not interfere?"
"Why," answered John, and made a bow,
But yet was very shy,
"I was told to be a neutral, ma'am,
And that's the reason why."
"That's just what you should not have done,
Being in authority;
Did I not place you in that bunk
To think and act for me?
"Why any baby in the house
Could not have done much worse,
But I fancy you've been holding back
To save your private purse.
"Neutrality is as fine a word
As ever a coward used,
The honour that I gave to you
You shouldn't have abused."
The minor lodgers in the house,
On hearing this, to John,
Began to whisper and to laugh,
And call'd it famous fun.
At last a little urchin said,
"Please ma'am I'd take my oath,
'At master John was neutral,
And stuck up for them both."
"Stuck up for both, offended both,--
Yes that is what you mean?"
Continued Madame Europe,
Then spoke to John again:
"Now I'll tell you what it is, John,
We've long watch'd your career,
You take your fags' advice to save
Your paltry sums a year.
"There's Bob and Bill, besides some more,
That I call naught but scums,
They've got you fairly in between
Their fingers and their thumbs.
"If such like men as Ben and Hugh
This day your fags had been,
They would have saved both you and me
This curs'd disgraceful scene.
"Instead of bein' half-clad and shod,
As everybody knows,
You would have dared these rivals now
To come to such like blows.
"There was a time in this house, John,
If you put up your thumb,
The greatest blackguard tongue would stop
As if they had been dumb.
"But not a one in this here house
This moment cares a fig
For all you say or all you do,
Although your purse be big."
"I couldn't hurt poor Louis, ma'am,
Although he did begin;
And then you see that Will and I
Are very near akin.
"Beside, you see," said John again,
"I let poor Louis sup;
On both I use my ointment, and
Their wounds I did bind up.
"Ah! weel a day," then said the Dame,
But was affected sore,
"I see you have some small excuse
That you have done it for.
"I have some little hopes left yet
That you may yet have sense,
To know your high position, John,
Instead of saving pence.
"You yet will learn that duty, sir,
Cannot be ignored,
However disagreeable when
Placed before the board.
"And let me tell you he who shirks
The responsibility
Of seeing right, is doing wrong,
And earns humility.
"And 'tis an empty-headed dream,
To boast of skill and power,
But dare not even interfere
At this important hour.
"Better far confess at once
You're not fit for your place,
Than have a name 'Heroic,' sir,
Branded with disgrace.
"But I'll not say another word;
My deputies, to you;
But hope you will a warning take,
This moment from poor Loo.
"And hoping, John, your enemies
May never have the chance
To see you paid for watching Will
Thrash poor weak Louis France."
[The end]
Bill o'th' Hoylus End's poem: Dame Europe's Lodging-House
________________________________________________
GO TO TOP OF SCREEN
