Uncle Josh On A Street Car

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Title:     Uncle Josh On A Street Car
Author: Cal Stewart [More Titles by Stewart]

NOW I'll jist bet I had more fun to the squar inch while I wuz in New York, than any old feller what ever broke out of a New England smoke house. I had a little the durnd'st time a ridin' on them street cars what they got thar. Wall I wa'nt a ridin' on 'emnear as much as I wuz a runnin' after 'em tryin' to ketch 'em. Gosh, I wuz a runnin' after street cars and fire ingines, and every durned thing with red wheels on it, I calculate I run about a mile and a half after a feller one day to tell him the water what he had in his wagon wuz all leakin' out, and when I caught up to him I found out it wuz a durned old sprinklin' cart.

Wall I got on one of them street cars one day, and it wuz purty crowded, and thar wa'nt any place fer me to sot down, so I had to hang onto one of them little harness straps along side of the car. So I got holt of a strap and I wuz hangin' on, when the conductor sed "old man, you'r goin' to be in the road thar, you'd better move up a little further, wall I moved up a little ways and I stepped on a feller's toe, and gee whiz, he got madder'n a wet hen, he sed, 'can't you see whar you'r a steppin'?" I sed, "guess I kin, but you brought them feet in here, and I've got to step some whar." Wall every one begin to laff, and the conductor sed, "old man you'r makin' too much trouble, you'll have to move for'ard again," and I got off 'n the gosh durned old car; I paid him a nickel to ride, but I guess I might as well have walked, I wuz a walkin' purty much all the time I wuz in thar.

Wall I got onto another car, and I got sot down, and I never laffed so much in all my life. Up in one end of the car thar wuz a little slim lady, and right along side of her wuz a big fleshy lady, and it didn't look as though the little slim lady wuz a gittin' more'n about two cents and a half worth of room, so finally she turned round to the fleshy lady and sed, "they ought to charge by weight on this line," and the big lady sed "Wall if they did they wouldn't stop fer you." Gosh I had to snicker right out loud.

Thar wuz a little boy a sottin' alongside of the big lady, and three ladys got onto the car all to onct, and thar wa'nt any place fer 'em to sot down, and so the big lady sed--"little boy, you'd oughter git up and let one of them ladys sot down," and the little boy sed, "you git up and they can all sot down." Wall by that time your uncle wuz a laffin' right out.

Sottin' right alongside of me wuz a lady and she had the purtiest little baby I calculate I'd ever seen in all my born days, I wanted to be sociable with the little feller so I jist sort of waved my hand at him, and sed how-d'e-do baby, and that lady just looked et me scornful like and sed "rubber," wall I wuz never more sot back, I guess you could have knocked me down with a feather, I thought it was a genuine baby, I didn't know the little thing was rubber.

Wall I noticed up in one end of the car thar wuz a little round masheen, and the conductor had a clothes line tied to it, and every time he got a nickel he'd yank on that clothes line, and fust it sed in and then it sed out, I couldn't tell what all them little ins and outs meant, but I jist cum to the conclusion it showed how much the conductor wuz in and the company wuz out.

Wall I got to talkin' to that feller on the front end of the car, and he wuz a purty nice sort of a feller, he showed me how every thing worked and told me all about it, wall when I got off I sed--good bye, mister, hope I'll see you agin some time, and he sed, "oh, I'll run across you one of these days," I told him by gosh he wouldn't run across me if I seen him a comin'.

[The end]
Cal Stewart's short story: Uncle Josh On A Street Car

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