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Title: They'll None Of 'em Be Missed
Author: W. S. Gilbert [
More Titles by Gilbert]
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I've got a little list--I've got a little list
Of social offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!
There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs--
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs--
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat--
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that--
And all third persons who on spoiling tete-a-tetes insist--
They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!
There's the nigger serenader, and the others of his race,
And the piano organist--I've got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed--they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and every country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,
And who doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try;
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist--
I don't think she'd be missed--I'm sure she'd not be missed!
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,
The Judicial humorist--I've got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life--
They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of them be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of the compromising kind,
Such as--What-d'ye-call-him--Thing'em-Bob, and likewise--Never-mind,
And 'St--'st--'st--and What's-his-name, and also--You-know-who--
(The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you!)
But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list,
For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!
[The end]
W. S. Gilbert's poem: They'll None Of 'em Be Missed
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