St. Nicholas Scraggs

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Title:     St. Nicholas Scraggs
Author: Henry Wallace Phillips [More Titles by Phillips]

"I have read some'ers," said Mr. Scraggs, "that some man whose name was a durned sight more important to him than it is to me, for I've plumb forgot it, said that he never begun nothin' unless he could see the end of it."

"His wife's family must have owned real estate," suggested Red Saunders.

"He didn't specify which end," excused Mr. Scraggs. "Maybe 'twas the front end he meant; then the proverb 'ud read that he never begun anythin' unless he could see the commencement of it; which is a wise and thoughtful statement, because had it been otherwise, and therefore essentially different, why, how could he?"

"Of course not," assented Red.

"I s'pose," said the visitor, "that you mean what you say and understand what you mean, but d----d if I do. Is there any right or left bower in this game?"

"No," said Mr. Scraggs. "But this is the twenty-fourth of December, and I was thinkin' of another twenty-fourth of December. I began something then that come out rather different from what you'd naturally expect. That ain't so remarkable, for nothin' I ever had any hand in ever come out as anybody expected--barrin' Mrs. Scraggs, who, individuool, cool, calm, and collectively, always says, 'Just what I expected, exactly,' and any man that says any one or all of the Mrs. Scraggses bound to me by ties of matrimony by the Mormon Church, party of the first part, Mrs. Scraggs, party of the second part, and E. G. W. Scraggs, party of the third, last, and of no consequence whatsomever part--any man, I repeat, who says Mrs. Scraggs would lie is no friend of her'n and ought to be told so. But to restrain a nateral indignation at the hint of such a charge and to proceed: I want to say that this particular twenty-fourth of December I'm talkin' about came out so much entirely different from what I expected that I can't seem to forget it.

"There's something about Christmas that warms the heart and makes the noblest and best of our sentiments to come to the surface for a breath of fresh air. Yes, sir, there is, and they passed it around in Peg-leg's place that afternoon so hot, sweet, and plentiful that I hadn't been there more'n two hours before my feelin's had rose to such a pitch that I went out and bought each' and every Mrs. Scraggs a pair of number ten rubber boots, a pound of raisins, and an accordion. The boots was useful; the raisins, of course, stood for Christmas cheer; but what in thunder I bought the accordions for I never knew afterward. I'd give a ten-dollar bill this minute to know. It was a tremenjus idee at the time, but that's all I recall of it. I sent the hull shootin'-match around to the house by a small boy with a hand sleigh and a card sayin' 'Peace on Earth' on top of it.

"After this, havin' done my duty by my fambly, as I saw it at the time, I wandered into Mr. George Hewlitt's emporium of chance, armed with six iron dollars and a gold collar-button. They took my six dollars away from me as though I wasn't fit to be trusted with 'em, and then I sprung my collar-button for another stack. As far as I could see, that collar-button was all that stood between me and a long, wide, thick, and cold winter. Hows'mever, there was no unmanly tears in the eyes of the support of the noble house of Scraggs when he plunked the lot on the corner.

"'Slave,' says I to the dealer in the language I learned shiftin' scenes for a week, back in old St. Looey. 'Slave!' says I. 'I've stacked my life agin the cast in your eye, and I will stand the razzle of your dyestuff. Shoot! You're faded!'

"And he was, too. I caught that turn and about every other in the deal; split him in half on the last card, and from that on I ripped him up the back and knocked chunks off'n him until everybody got interested.

"The game grew too small for both of us. I had four hundred dollars in checks before me, and my original collar-button. I asked him for his limit. He replied that notwithstandin' the enormous and remarkable growth of institutions of learning throughout the country and the widespread interest in arithmetic, it hadn't been figured out yet.

"'Make good,' says I, tappin' the table with the finger of authority.

"'I got you,' says he, and slams his roll upon the table. 'There's eight hundred dollars.'

"'Well,' says I, 'I shall descend upon it in two flies, not counting odd chips. Shall we cut?'

"He shoved out a deck. I cut a four-spot. It come to me all of a sudden how futeel is human endeavors, how fleetin' is man's hopes, for we was playin' it high man wins. And then he cut a three-specker, and talked unwisely. Then he cut a king, and a soft smile lighted his face. I cut an ace. He looked at it, reached up, and took down a sign:

ACE IS ALWAYS
HIGH IN THIS HOUSE.

--a sign he'd made with his own fair hands, and he says to me, 'You don't mind if I keep this as a sooveneer of the joyful occasion, do you? You can have the rest of the place, for I move after two beats like that.'

"So then the crowd was uproarious, and I treated several times for Mrs. Scraggs and several times for myself, divided the money square, wrapped her half in a parcel with 'God Bless our Home' marked on it and sent it around to her.

"It then occurred to me I weren't dressed according to my prosperity. So I cut the boys and ambled around to Eichenstein's to get some clothes.

"Old Eichy clasped his hands with innocent glee.

"'I have got id!' says he, clawing out some black duds. 'You remember dat 'biscobal mineesder who beat der sheriff to der drain? Dat is der close he orter t' und didn't bay for--dey fid you like a finger in der mud.'

"I tried to explain to Eichy that I didn't need no minister clothes, but he was shocked at the idea, so I bought 'em and put 'em on.

"It next occurred to me that with a new soot of clothes and money in my pocket I'd orter travel and see a little of the world once more, so I gathers the boys and four members of the Dogtown band, and we went eight miles to the station in good shape. It made the people look to see us marchin' in.

"'Gimme a ticket,' says I to the station man.

"'Where are you going to?' says he.

"If there's one thing I can't put up with it's impudence from a railroad man.

"'What in the hereafter business is that of yours?' says I. 'You gimme a ticket, quick, or there'll be a wreckin' train due at this spot.'

"'Well, how can I tell what to do?' says he. 'Pay me for the ticket, and you get it.'

"'Sir!' says I. 'Do you mean to insinooate that I can't or won't pay for a dirty little railroad ticket? There you are--gimme a ticket!'

"I slapped what I had loose on the counter; he counted it careful and give me my paste-board, just as the engine come a-hissin' and a-roarin' in. Gee, she did look bully to me! I hadn't seen a train of cars for two years. We detained 'em no longer than was necessary to treat the engineer and the rest of the crew proper in the matter of drinks, and I was off, leanin' back comfortable in the smoker, puffin' huge and prosperous puffs of real seegar smoke into the air, and with the careless thumb of wealth tucked into the armpit of my vest. I reckoned I must have dozed, for bimeby the conductor shook me by the arm and says, respectful, 'We're nearin' your station, sir.'

"I looked out, and I see down the track the most lonesome inhabited spot on the face of this earth. If houses has ghosts I should say that the ghosts of some forty houses that had committed the crime of not bein' properly built had collected themselves there--why, even the snow around the cussed things looked second-hand.

"I made up my mind on the instant that I'd never really intended to go there. But it was too late now. I didn't propose to back down before that conductor.

"'The names of all these little towns is so much alike,' says I, 'that I've forgot the name of this one already.'

"'Yes?' says he, raisin' his eyebrows. Of course, as a matter of fact, I hadn't thought to look at my ticket; but having started on this line I meant to buck through.

"'Yes,' says I. 'Would you mind giving it to me?'

"'Oggsouash,' says he.

"There was silence for a second.

"'Hog's wash,' says I, musin'. 'Don't seem like I ort to have forgot that, does it?'

"'No,' says he; 'it don't.'

"There come a kind of awkward silence again, me thanking the Lord that we was almost there.

"'Injun name,' says the conductor.

"'Sure,' says I; 'of course; certainly; I remember now distinctly. What saloon do you recommend?'

"'Saloon?' says he, steppin' back.

"'Saloon,' says I, wonderin' where he found the queerness of my words.

"'Saloon?' says he. 'Why, man, it's a Prohibition, Presbyterian, Vegetarian Colony. I didn't know what to make of your actions when you got aboard, but from your face and clothes I supposed you was one of them ministers coming to scare the kids to death for a Christmas present. Ain't you one of 'em?'

"'I'm a sort--sort of connection,' says I with my expirin' breath.

"He looked at me as if he couldn't quite see the connection. 'Well,' says he, 'here we are, and they're expectin' you, for there's a lady waitin' on the platform.'

"'A lady?' says I, risin' from my tomb. I'd begun to think before there was truth in the sayin', 'You can't win at two games on the same day,' but when I heard there was a lady waitin' for me--well, if there's any man in this here bull-pen can think what I thought, let him whisper it in confidence, and I'll make it right with him.

"I never knew how I got off that train of cars.

"Well, I oughtn't to have been scart--it was the littlest, thinnest, palest, tremblingest woman you ever saw--why, there wasn't a Mrs. Scraggs on the face of the earth that couldn't 'a' dandled her in her arms like a baby.

"'Is this the Reverend Silas Hardcrop?' says she.

"'Yes, madam,' says I, thinkin' it best to humor her, even if she was small.

"'I wanted to meet you first--I wanted to say--to speak--there's something I felt I must tell you,' she says.

"Thinks I: 'No, you don't. So long's I've got a gun in each hind pocket I reckon the men folks and me will get long all right, but private conversations with ladies is off the bill-of-fare.' So I says:

"'Y-a-a-s?' in a tone of voice to put out a bonfire.

"'Oh, it doesn't matter,' she said quick and shaky; 'it was silly of me. I only thought----' Well, she was tremblin' with cold or somethin', and kind of near cryin', too--one of them women that wears themselves out by botherin' to be good, and if they are good, botherin' about what ought to be done next. In short, as the saying is, I forgot my part.

"'Why, you poor little critter,' says I; 'you're near froze to death--take a drop of this,' pullin' out a flask of Peg-leg's best.

"'What?' she says, starting back in horror. 'Can that be _whisky_?'

"'Madam!' says I, rememberin', 'how dast you? That's a prescription put up by my favorite physician--a small dose will do you a large good. Try a piece, and we'll go in the station, where it's warmer, I hope, and talk it over.'

"She strangled some, but downed a trifle.

"There was a good old lignite fire blazin' away 'n the station.

"'Now that you've been _so_ kind to me,' she says, 'I dare tell you what I thought.'

"She had stopped shiverin'--Peg-leg's best knocked shivers quick.

"'I don't want you to think I do not believe in our tenets, because I do, I _do_!' says she; 'but it's been such a hard and weary year, with no brightness in it, and the old times come to me so, and they haven't had anything--really, you know, and it's awful to think of Christmas going by without--without--I know it's a Pagan festival, and that Christians should pass the day in meditation and fasting, but--don't you see?'

"'Certainly,' says I. 'If there ever was a guilty party that didn't do it, why, she's not him--you and me agree there, entirely.'

"'I beg your pardon?' says she, lookin' at me with them scart-deer eyes of hers. 'I don't quite understand--I'm so stupid.'

"'Yes, that's what's apt to come of vegetables,' says I. 'But tell me more about the Pagan festival.'

"I fancy Peg-leg's best couraged her up some.

"'I don't think it's a Pagan festival for children to have fun and toys for Christmas. I don't,' she says, 'I can't. And to think of them sitting there in that cold church for hours to-morrow--ugh!' she says.

"Well, dear friends and brothers, I did think of 'em sittin' in that cold church. There was a time when I uset to behave fine for a month previous to December twenty-fifth, for the priv'lige of seein' Uncle Santy Claus tumble down the chimbley; and I want to say right here that all the good times I have seen sence ain't got near enough to them good times to catch their dust. Besides which, the merry Christmas in glassified form with which I had encouraged myself at Peg-leg's, and the wad of that beautiful sensitive plant, the long green, which was reposin' on my heart, says to me: 'Scraggsy, spring yourself--jump, boy, jump!'

"And furthermore, in the wildest dreams of my youth I had never figgered on spendin' a cold and cloudy Christmas in the bosom of a Presbyterian, Prohibition, Vegetarian Colony. It stood to reason if I didn't do something to that colony the colony would do a thing to Scraggs. I made up my mind that right here was where I jarred Oggsouash to a finish.

"And further still, that poor little deluded, cold-potato-fed woman was on my mind.

"'You mean,' says I to her--my eddication in the Mormon Church, and what I learned about play-actin' in St. Looey, standin' me in handy for manners--'that these here children, the offspring of cold water and vegetables, is expected to pass to-morrow in prayer and meditation, and be better for it?'

"'Yes, sir!' says she, impressed by my manners.

"'Well, then, madam,' says I, 'if you'll excuse my onprofessional language, I'll say that that's a low-down, Scandahoovian outrage.'

"'Now,' says she, eager, 'that's just what I think.'

"'Madam,' says I, bowin', 'I'm enchanted to see such a spirit--I'll think kindly of turnips from this day on. Let us prescribe for ourselves once more--the directions say take one every three minutes until you feel better. Besides, you got to help me, and you'll need your strength. My duties demand that I leave here by the night freight, but before that----' And I give her her directions. She jumped up and hustled out, as young as ever she was.

"Then I went up to the telegrapher. 'Where can I buy some toys and truck, to come out on Number Three?' says I.

"He didn't pay no attention.

"I reached in and took him gently by the hair, drawin' him part way through his cubby-hole so's he could hear plain.

"'My young friend,' says I, 'is it any part of your notion that I grew up on cabbages? Does it please your youthful fancy to picture me picketed out to grass, and chewin' my cud on a sunny slope?'

"'Ow!' says he. 'Leggo m' hair!'

"'You are now in the hands of E. G. W. Scraggs,' says I, 'an honor which I shall give you cause to appreciate if you don't lend me your ears to what I say. Do you think you can hear me now?'

"'Yes, sir. Oh, yessir, yessir,' says he.

"'Good,' says I. 'Then telegraph to the first place east to send one hundred dollars' worth of toys out here on Number Three. Here's your money.'

"Well, he picked away, and then we waited. Bimeby we got the foolishest kind of answer: 'What sort of toys? How much of each?' etc.

"'Michael and the Archangels all,' says I, 'how am I supposed to know? Ain't that part of a toy-shop man's business? Here, young man, you tick-tack 'em that I want toys--children's toys--to use up one hundred plunks--I want 'em on Number Three--and if they don't arrive I will. I will arrive in their little old toy-shop and play with them till they holler for ma. Tell 'em I never felt more impatient in my life than I am this minute, and that I'm getting more so per each and every clock tick. Mention the name of Zeke Scraggs, so they won't think it's Mr. Anonymous behavin' frivolous. Tell 'em I mean every word of it. Go on; do it.'

"So he did.

"Then comes a sensible answer: 'Goods go forward by Number Three.'

"'Sure,' says I. 'ill you join me?'

"'I certainly will,' says he, and bimeby he cried because I looked so like his father, who was just the same kind of short, thick-set, hairy kind of person I was.

"Then my poor little deer-eyed woman come back with a roll of cotton-battin'; at the same minute Number Three pulled in. 'You get Jimmy, there,' says I to her, 'to help you whack up the play-toys, whilst I disguise myself as Santy Claus."

"She stopped and looked at me, then she says in a scart whisper, 'Are you _really_ the Reverend Silas Hardcrop?'

"'I'm just as near bein' the Reverend Silas Hardcrop as I shall ever get,' says I.

"There come a twinkle of somethin' almost like fun in her eye. 'I told them.' says she, 'that you would address them at seven, sharp.'

"She and me an Jimmy finished Jimmy's lunch and sat around, whilst I told 'em anecdotes concernin' life as it was lived outside the bonds of Oggsouash, till quarter to seven rolled around. Then we took the back way to the church.

"I don't think it has ever been my privilege to gaze on one hundred and fifty faces all so astonished at one and the same time as when I stepped forward to the center of the stage at Oggsouash and addressed the meetin', me bein' clad as Santy Claus, in flowin' white whiskers, hair to match. Jimmy's coat that come down almost to my waist, a baggage-truck of toys behind me, and a gun in each hand.

"'Dearly beloved brethren,' says I, 'I shall try to interest you for a few minutes, and I urge and beg and pray of you that if any male member of your number here assembled feels in any way nervous or fidgety during the course of my remarks that he will conceal it with all possible haste and discreshun, because otherwise I ain't goin' to have the bill for the consequences in my mail.

[Illustration: "'Dearly beloved brethren,' says I."]

"'How Oggsouash and I come together is neither here nor there, although I could find it in my heart to wish it was,' I says. 'But now that the worst has happened, let us meet the consequences like men--you, like men raised and prostrated by such things as cauliflower, sweet potatoes, and hay, washed down by the water which flows in all its glistening uselessness among the hop-toads and mud-turtles of Oggsouash Creek; and me, like men that pick the hindleg of an ox at a sittin' and make the spirits in Peg-leg's place go down like the approach of Arctic breezes.

"'To resume,' says I. 'It may be that there ain't a man drifted further from what the standards of this here place is than I be, but I'm willin' to put my hand to an affydavit statin' it never crossed my mind to draft a set of rules as an improvement on the Almighty's. There's where you put it all over me. I have held up a train to hear what the passengers would say, but lackin' the advantages that has doubtless been yours, I duck when it comes to reformin' Heaven.

"'It struck me with the force of a revelation when I arrived at your glowin' mertroppollus this afternoon that to make any human bein', particlerly children, forget for a time that they lived in Oggsouash was a religious duty. I have therefore furnished a few trifles for the purpose. I move you, ladies and gentlemen, that we turn this Christmas Eve into a Pagan festival. All in favor of this motion will keep their seats--contrary minded will please rise,' and I cocked both guns.

"'Carried, unanimous,' says I. 'Now, please let each young person come forward as his, her, or its name is called. I shall be severely displeased if you don't.'

"Then I read from the list the lady had furnished me, and the kids come up. The last party on the list was a little gal that had been poppin' up an' down like a prairie-dog, fearin' she was goin' to git left, and when at last I sings out 'Annabella Angelina Hugginswat!' here she come, her eyes snatched wide open by the two little pigtails that stuck out behind, walkin' knock-kneed and circular, as some little girls does, and stiff er'n a poker in her j'ints from scart-to-death and gladness.

"'Angelina,' says I, pickin' up the big doll-baby I'd saved for her, 'you must be the fond parient of this child,' says I. 'Raise it kindly; teach it that it's been damned since the year of our Lord B. C. 7604; feed it vegetables, Angelina, and keep it away from strong drink, even if you have to use force.'

"Angelina, she didn't mind my pursyflage, but she just stood there quiverin' all over, lookin' at her prize.

"'Ith that my dolly?' she says.

"'That's your sure-enough dolly, little gal,' I says.

"She took hold of it--her little arms was stiff as railroad ties and her hands was cold.

"She looked at me again and whispered: "'Ith that my dolly, _really_, _truly_, mithter?'

"She looked so darned funny standin' there that I grabbed her right up and kissed her.

"'If anybody tries to take that dolly away from you, you let _me_ know--skip!' says I, and down the aisle she runs hollerin': 'Oh, papa, papa! Thee my dolly!' Seems she didn't have no mother, poor little thing.

"Well, sir, old human nature is human nature, after all--elsewise it would be a darned funny state of affairs--but anyhow, that little gal's holler did something to my friends, the Oggsouashers. I don't think I overstep the mark when I say some of 'em smiled a kindly smile.

"'But I didn't have no time to study it. If I missed my freight I stayed in Oggsouash over night, so, reasonin' thus, the tall form of E. G. W. Scraggs might 'a' been seen proceedin' toward the railroad track at the rate of seventeen statute miles per hour. Just as I hooked on to the caboose comes a feller pastin' after me.

"'Say!' he whoops. 'Say! We want to thank you!'

"'Turn it in to the kids,' says I. 'Good-night, Oggsouash, good-night,' I says, 'Partin' is such sweet sorrow that I could say good-night as long as my wind held out.'

"Well, sir, it was nigh three in the mornin' when I hit Castle Scraggs agin, after the coldest walk to be found anywhere outdoors; but when Mrs. Scraggs come to the door--and it was one of the blackest-eyed and snappiest of the race--and she says, 'Zeke Scraggs! Where you been?' I just fell into her arms.

"'Bear with me, Susan, or Mary Ann, or whatever your name is,' says I, 'for I've had a ter'ble time.'

"'You behave yourself, you old idiot, or I'll do you personal harm,' says she.

"'Thank you, thank you for them sweet words, spoke by somebody _alive_, anyhow,' says I. 'And this much more, Mrs. Scraggs,' says I, 'before we part. If ever you hear me complain of anythin' concernin' you ladies just you say "Oggsouash" to me and hold your hand, so, to indicate an empty glass.

"'Good-night, Susanna--Merry Christmas,' says I. 'On my word of honor, there has been one moment of my life when I was glad to see you.'

"And I left her standin' there, with the candle in her hand, paralyzed.

"And I can conclood, as I suggested in the beginning, that I had not foresaw one item of these occurrences when I risked that collar-button."

[The end]
Henry Wallace Phillips's short story: St. Nicholas Scraggs

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