________________________________________________
Title: Cocker, On Church Reform
Author: Thomas Moore [
More Titles by Moore]
Founded Upon Some Late Calculations.
1833.
Fine figures of speech let your orators follow,
Old Cocker has figures that beat them all hollow.
Tho' famed for his rules _Aristotle_ may be,
In but _half_ of this Sage any merit I see,
For, as honest Joe Hume says, the "_tottle_" for me!
For instance, while others discuss and debate,
It is thus about Bishops _I_ ratiocinate.
In England, where, spite of the infidel's laughter,
'Tis certain our souls are lookt _very_ well after,
Two Bishops can well (if judiciously sundered)
Of parishes manage two thousand two hundred.--
Said number of parishes, under said teachers,
Containing three millions of Protestant creatures,--
So that each of said Bishops full ably controls
One million and five hundred thousands of souls.
And now comes old Cocker. In Ireland we're told,
_Half_ a million includes the whole Protestant fold;
If, therefore, for three million souls, 'tis conceded
_Two_ proper-sized Bishops are all that is needed,
'Tis plain, for the Irish _half_ million who want 'em,
_One-third_ of _one_ Bishop is just the right quantum.
And thus, by old Cocker's sublime Rule of Three,
The Irish Church question's resolved to a T;
Keeping always that excellent maxim in view,
That, in saving men's souls, we must save money too.
Nay, if--as St. Roden complains is the case--
The half million of _soul_ is decreasing apace,
The demand, too, for _bishop_ will also fall off,
Till the _tithe_ of one, taken in kind be enough.
But, as fractions imply that we'd have to dissect,
And to cutting up Bishops I strongly object.
We've a small, fractious prelate whom well we could spare,
Who has just the same decimal worth, to a hair,
And, not to leave Ireland too much in the lurch.
We'll let her have Exeter, _sole_, as her Church.
[The end]
Thomas Moore's poem: Cocker, On Church Reform
________________________________________________
GO TO TOP OF SCREEN
