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_ CHAPTER VI
[A continuation of the state of England under Queen Anne. The
character of a first minister of state in European courts.]
My master was yet wholly at a loss to understand what motives could
incite this race of lawyers to perplex, disquiet, and weary
themselves, and engage in a confederacy of injustice, merely for
the sake of injuring their fellow-animals; neither could he
comprehend what I meant in saying, they did it for hire. Whereupon
I was at much pains to describe to him the use of money, the
materials it was made of, and the value of the metals; "that when a
Yahoo had got a great store of this precious substance, he was able
to purchase whatever he had a mind to; the finest clothing, the
noblest houses, great tracts of land, the most costly meats and
drinks, and have his choice of the most beautiful females.
Therefore since money alone was able to perform all these feats,
our Yahoos thought they could never have enough of it to spend, or
to save, as they found themselves inclined, from their natural bent
either to profusion or avarice; that the rich man enjoyed the fruit
of the poor man's labour, and the latter were a thousand to one in
proportion to the former; that the bulk of our people were forced
to live miserably, by labouring every day for small wages, to make
a few live plentifully."
I enlarged myself much on these, and many other particulars to the
same purpose; but his honour was still to seek; for he went upon a
supposition, that all animals had a title to their share in the
productions of the earth, and especially those who presided over
the rest. Therefore he desired I would let him know, "what these
costly meats were, and how any of us happened to want them?"
Whereupon I enumerated as many sorts as came into my head, with the
various methods of dressing them, which could not be done without
sending vessels by sea to every part of the world, as well for
liquors to drink as for sauces and innumerable other conveniences.
I assured him "that this whole globe of earth must be at least
three times gone round before one of our better female Yahoos could
get her breakfast, or a cup to put it in." He said "that must
needs be a miserable country which cannot furnish food for its own
inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered at was, how such vast
tracts of ground as I described should be wholly without fresh
water, and the people put to the necessity of sending over the sea
for drink." I replied "that England (the dear place of my
nativity) was computed to produce three times the quantity of food
more than its inhabitants are able to consume, as well as liquors
extracted from grain, or pressed out of the fruit of certain trees,
which made excellent drink, and the same proportion in every other
convenience of life. But, in order to feed the luxury and
intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, we sent
away the greatest part of our necessary things to other countries,
whence, in return, we brought the materials of diseases, folly, and
vice, to spend among ourselves. Hence it follows of necessity,
that vast numbers of our people are compelled to seek their
livelihood by begging, robbing, stealing, cheating, pimping,
flattering, suborning, forswearing, forging, gaming, lying,
fawning, hectoring, voting, scribbling, star-gazing, poisoning,
whoring, canting, libelling, freethinking, and the like
occupations:" every one of which terms I was at much pains to make
him understand.
"That wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to
supply the want of water or other drinks, but because it was a sort
of liquid which made us merry by putting us out of our senses,
diverted all melancholy thoughts, begat wild extravagant
imaginations in the brain, raised our hopes and banished our fears,
suspended every office of reason for a time, and deprived us of the
use of our limbs, till we fell into a profound sleep; although it
must be confessed, that we always awaked sick and dispirited; and
that the use of this liquor filled us with diseases which made our
lives uncomfortable and short.
"But beside all this, the bulk of our people supported themselves
by furnishing the necessities or conveniences of life to the rich
and to each other. For instance, when I am at home, and dressed as
I ought to be, I carry on my body the workmanship of a hundred
tradesmen; the building and furniture of my house employ as many
more, and five times the number to adorn my wife."
I was going on to tell him of another sort of people, who get their
livelihood by attending the sick, having, upon some occasions,
informed his honour that many of my crew had died of diseases. But
here it was with the utmost difficulty that I brought him to
apprehend what I meant. "He could easily conceive, that a
Houyhnhnm, grew weak and heavy a few days before his death, or by
some accident might hurt a limb; but that nature, who works all
things to perfection, should suffer any pains to breed in our
bodies, he thought impossible, and desired to know the reason of so
unaccountable an evil."
I told him "we fed on a thousand things which operated contrary to
each other; that we ate when we were not hungry, and drank without
the provocation of thirst; that we sat whole nights drinking strong
liquors, without eating a bit, which disposed us to sloth, inflamed
our bodies, and precipitated or prevented digestion; that
prostitute female Yahoos acquired a certain malady, which bred
rottenness in the bones of those who fell into their embraces; that
this, and many other diseases, were propagated from father to son;
so that great numbers came into the world with complicated maladies
upon them; that it would be endless to give him a catalogue of all
diseases incident to human bodies, for they would not be fewer than
five or six hundred, spread over every limb and joint--in short,
every part, external and intestine, having diseases appropriated to
itself. To remedy which, there was a sort of people bred up among
us in the profession, or pretence, of curing the sick. And because
I had some skill in the faculty, I would, in gratitude to his
honour, let him know the whole mystery and method by which they
proceed.
"Their fundamental is, that all diseases arise from repletion;
whence they conclude, that a great evacuation of the body is
necessary, either through the natural passage or upwards at the
mouth. Their next business is from herbs, minerals, gums, oils,
shells, salts, juices, sea-weed, excrements, barks of trees,
serpents, toads, frogs, spiders, dead men's flesh and bones, birds,
beasts, and fishes, to form a composition, for smell and taste, the
most abominable, nauseous, and detestable, they can possibly
contrive, which the stomach immediately rejects with loathing, and
this they call a vomit; or else, from the same store-house, with
some other poisonous additions, they command us to take in at the
orifice above or below (just as the physician then happens to be
disposed) a medicine equally annoying and disgustful to the bowels;
which, relaxing the belly, drives down all before it; and this they
call a purge, or a clyster. For nature (as the physicians allege)
having intended the superior anterior orifice only for the
intromission of solids and liquids, and the inferior posterior for
ejection, these artists ingeniously considering that in all
diseases nature is forced out of her seat, therefore, to replace
her in it, the body must be treated in a manner directly contrary,
by interchanging the use of each orifice; forcing solids and
liquids in at the anus, and making evacuations at the mouth.
"But, besides real diseases, we are subject to many that are only
imaginary, for which the physicians have invented imaginary cures;
these have their several names, and so have the drugs that are
proper for them; and with these our female Yahoos are always
infested.
"One great excellency in this tribe, is their skill at prognostics,
wherein they seldom fail; their predictions in real diseases, when
they rise to any degree of malignity, generally portending death,
which is always in their power, when recovery is not: and
therefore, upon any unexpected signs of amendment, after they have
pronounced their sentence, rather than be accused as false
prophets, they know how to approve their sagacity to the world, by
a seasonable dose.
"They are likewise of special use to husbands and wives who are
grown weary of their mates; to eldest sons, to great ministers of
state, and often to princes."
I had formerly, upon occasion, discoursed with my master upon the
nature of government in general, and particularly of our own
excellent constitution, deservedly the wonder and envy of the whole
world. But having here accidentally mentioned a minister of state,
he commanded me, some time after, to inform him, "what species of
Yahoo I particularly meant by that appellation."
I told him, "that a first or chief minister of state, who was the
person I intended to describe, was the creature wholly exempt from
joy and grief, love and hatred, pity and anger; at least, makes use
of no other passions, but a violent desire of wealth, power, and
titles; that he applies his words to all uses, except to the
indication of his mind; that he never tells a truth but with an
intent that you should take it for a lie; nor a lie, but with a
design that you should take it for a truth; that those he speaks
worst of behind their backs are in the surest way of preferment;
and whenever he begins to praise you to others, or to yourself, you
are from that day forlorn. The worst mark you can receive is a
promise, especially when it is confirmed with an oath; after which,
every wise man retires, and gives over all hopes.
"There are three methods, by which a man may rise to be chief
minister. The first is, by knowing how, with prudence, to dispose
of a wife, a daughter, or a sister; the second, by betraying or
undermining his predecessor; and the third is, by a furious zeal,
in public assemblies, against the corruption's of the court. But a
wise prince would rather choose to employ those who practise the
last of these methods; because such zealots prove always the most
obsequious and subservient to the will and passions of their
master. That these ministers, having all employments at their
disposal, preserve themselves in power, by bribing the majority of
a senate or great council; and at last, by an expedient, called an
act of indemnity" (whereof I described the nature to him), "they
secure themselves from after-reckonings, and retire from the public
laden with the spoils of the nation.
"The palace of a chief minister is a seminary to breed up others in
his own trade: the pages, lackeys, and porters, by imitating their
master, become ministers of state in their several districts, and
learn to excel in the three principal ingredients, of insolence,
lying, and bribery. Accordingly, they have a subaltern court paid
to them by persons of the best rank; and sometimes by the force of
dexterity and impudence, arrive, through several gradations, to be
successors to their lord.
"He is usually governed by a decayed wench, or favourite footman,
who are the tunnels through which all graces are conveyed, and may
properly be called, in the last resort, the governors of the
kingdom."
One day, in discourse, my master, having heard me mention the
nobility of my country, was pleased to make me a compliment which I
could not pretend to deserve: "that he was sure I must have been
born of some noble family, because I far exceeded in shape, colour,
and cleanliness, all the Yahoos of his nation, although I seemed to
fail in strength and agility, which must be imputed to my different
way of living from those other brutes; and besides I was not only
endowed with the faculty of speech, but likewise with some
rudiments of reason, to a degree that, with all his acquaintance, I
passed for a prodigy."
He made me observe, "that among the Houyhnhnms, the white, the
sorrel, and the iron-gray, were not so exactly shaped as the bay,
the dapple-gray, and the black; nor born with equal talents of
mind, or a capacity to improve them; and therefore continued always
in the condition of servants, without ever aspiring to match out of
their own race, which in that country would be reckoned monstrous
and unnatural."
I made his honour my most humble acknowledgments for the good
opinion he was pleased to conceive of me, but assured him at the
same time, "that my birth was of the lower sort, having been born
of plain honest parents, who were just able to give me a tolerable
education; that nobility, among us, was altogether a different
thing from the idea he had of it; that our young noblemen are bred
from their childhood in idleness and luxury; that, as soon as years
will permit, they consume their vigour, and contract odious
diseases among lewd females; and when their fortunes are almost
ruined, they marry some woman of mean birth, disagreeable person,
and unsound constitution (merely for the sake of money), whom they
hate and despise. That the productions of such marriages are
generally scrofulous, rickety, or deformed children; by which means
the family seldom continues above three generations, unless the
wife takes care to provide a healthy father, among her neighbours
or domestics, in order to improve and continue the breed. That a
weak diseased body, a meagre countenance, and sallow complexion,
are the true marks of noble blood; and a healthy robust appearance
is so disgraceful in a man of quality, that the world concludes his
real father to have been a groom or a coachman. The imperfections
of his mind run parallel with those of his body, being a
composition of spleen, dullness, ignorance, caprice, sensuality,
and pride.
"Without the consent of this illustrious body, no law can be
enacted, repealed, or altered: and these nobles have likewise the
decision of all our possessions, without appeal." {6}
Footnote:
{6} This paragraph is not in the original editions.
______
Content of PART IV - A VOYAGE TO THE COUNTRY OF THE HOUYHNHNMS CHAPTER VI [Jonathan Swift's novel: Gulliver's Travels] _
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