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_ CHAPTER VI
[Several contrivances of the author to please the king and queen.
He shows his skill in music. The king inquires into the state of
England, which the author relates to him. The king's observations
thereon.]
I used to attend the king's levee once or twice a week, and had
often seen him under the barber's hand, which indeed was at first
very terrible to behold; for the razor was almost twice as long as
an ordinary scythe. His majesty, according to the custom of the
country, was only shaved twice a-week. I once prevailed on the
barber to give me some of the suds or lather, out of which I picked
forty or fifty of the strongest stumps of hair. I then took a
piece of fine wood, and cut it like the back of a comb, making
several holes in it at equal distances with as small a needle as I
could get from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in the stumps so
artificially, scraping and sloping them with my knife toward the
points, that I made a very tolerable comb; which was a seasonable
supply, my own being so much broken in the teeth, that it was
almost useless: neither did I know any artist in that country so
nice and exact, as would undertake to make me another.
And this puts me in mind of an amusement, wherein I spent many of
my leisure hours. I desired the queen's woman to save for me the
combings of her majesty's hair, whereof in time I got a good
quantity; and consulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who had
received general orders to do little jobs for me, I directed him to
make two chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my box, and to
bore little holes with a fine awl, round those parts where I
designed the backs and seats; through these holes I wove the
strongest hairs I could pick out, just after the manner of cane
chairs in England. When they were finished, I made a present of
them to her majesty; who kept them in her cabinet, and used to show
them for curiosities, as indeed they were the wonder of every one
that beheld them. The queen would have me sit upon one of these
chairs, but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I would
rather die than place a dishonourable part of my body on those
precious hairs, that once adorned her majesty's head. Of these
hairs (as I had always a mechanical genius) I likewise made a neat
little purse, about five feet long, with her majesty's name
deciphered in gold letters, which I gave to Glumdalclitch, by the
queen's consent. To say the truth, it was more for show than use,
being not of strength to bear the weight of the larger coins, and
therefore she kept nothing in it but some little toys that girls
are fond of.
The king, who delighted in music, had frequent concerts at court,
to which I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on a table to
hear them: but the noise was so great that I could hardly
distinguish the tunes. I am confident that all the drums and
trumpets of a royal army, beating and sounding together just at
your ears, could not equal it. My practice was to have my box
removed from the place where the performers sat, as far as I could,
then to shut the doors and windows of it, and draw the window
curtains; after which I found their music not disagreeable.
I had learned in my youth to play a little upon the spinet.
Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a master attended twice
a-week to teach her: I called it a spinet, because it somewhat
resembled that instrument, and was played upon in the same manner.
A fancy came into my head, that I would entertain the king and
queen with an English tune upon this instrument. But this appeared
extremely difficult: for the spinet was near sixty feet long, each
key being almost a foot wide, so that with my arms extended I could
not reach to above five keys, and to press them down required a
good smart stroke with my fist, which would be too great a labour,
and to no purpose. The method I contrived was this: I prepared
two round sticks, about the bigness of common cudgels; they were
thicker at one end than the other, and I covered the thicker ends
with pieces of a mouse's skin, that by rapping on them I might
neither damage the tops of the keys nor interrupt the sound.
Before the spinet a bench was placed, about four feet below the
keys, and I was put upon the bench. I ran sideling upon it, that
way and this, as fast as I could, banging the proper keys with my
two sticks, and made a shift to play a jig, to the great
satisfaction of both their majesties; but it was the most violent
exercise I ever underwent; and yet I could not strike above sixteen
keys, nor consequently play the bass and treble together, as other
artists do; which was a great disadvantage to my performance.
The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent
understanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in
my box, and set upon the table in his closet: he would then
command me to bring one of my chairs out of the box, and sit down
within three yards distance upon the top of the cabinet, which
brought me almost to a level with his face. In this manner I had
several conversations with him. I one day took the freedom to tell
his majesty, "that the contempt he discovered towards Europe, and
the rest of the world, did not seem answerable to those excellent
qualities of mind that he was master of; that reason did not extend
itself with the bulk of the body; on the contrary, we observed in
our country, that the tallest persons were usually the least
provided with it; that among other animals, bees and ants had the
reputation of more industry, art, and sagacity, than many of the
larger kinds; and that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I
hoped I might live to do his majesty some signal service." The
king heard me with attention, and began to conceive a much better
opinion of me than he had ever before. He desired "I would give
him as exact an account of the government of England as I possibly
could; because, as fond as princes commonly are of their own
customs (for so he conjectured of other monarchs, by my former
discourses), he should be glad to hear of any thing that might
deserve imitation."
Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished for
the tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to
celebrate the praise of my own dear native country in a style equal
to its merits and felicity.
I began my discourse by informing his majesty, that our dominions
consisted of two islands, which composed three mighty kingdoms,
under one sovereign, beside our plantations in America. I dwelt
long upon the fertility of our soil, and the temperature of our
climate. I then spoke at large upon the constitution of an English
parliament; partly made up of an illustrious body called the House
of Peers; persons of the noblest blood, and of the most ancient and
ample patrimonies. I described that extraordinary care always
taken of their education in arts and arms, to qualify them for
being counsellors both to the king and kingdom; to have a share in
the legislature; to be members of the highest court of judicature,
whence there can be no appeal; and to be champions always ready for
the defence of their prince and country, by their valour, conduct,
and fidelity. That these were the ornament and bulwark of the
kingdom, worthy followers of their most renowned ancestors, whose
honour had been the reward of their virtue, from which their
posterity were never once known to degenerate. To these were
joined several holy persons, as part of that assembly, under the
title of bishops, whose peculiar business is to take care of
religion, and of those who instruct the people therein. These were
searched and sought out through the whole nation, by the prince and
his wisest counsellors, among such of the priesthood as were most
deservedly distinguished by the sanctity of their lives, and the
depth of their erudition; who were indeed the spiritual fathers of
the clergy and the people.
That the other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly
called the House of Commons, who were all principal gentlemen,
freely picked and culled out by the people themselves, for their
great abilities and love of their country, to represent the wisdom
of the whole nation. And that these two bodies made up the most
august assembly in Europe; to whom, in conjunction with the prince,
the whole legislature is committed.
I then descended to the courts of justice; over which the judges,
those venerable sages and interpreters of the law, presided, for
determining the disputed rights and properties of men, as well as
for the punishment of vice and protection of innocence. I
mentioned the prudent management of our treasury; the valour and
achievements of our forces, by sea and land. I computed the number
of our people, by reckoning how many millions there might be of
each religious sect, or political party among us. I did not omit
even our sports and pastimes, or any other particular which I
thought might redound to the honour of my country. And I finished
all with a brief historical account of affairs and events in
England for about a hundred years past.
This conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of
several hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention,
frequently taking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums of
what questions he intended to ask me.
When I had put an end to these long discources, his majesty, in a
sixth audience, consulting his notes, proposed many doubts,
queries, and objections, upon every article. He asked, "What
methods were used to cultivate the minds and bodies of our young
nobility, and in what kind of business they commonly spent the
first and teachable parts of their lives? What course was taken to
supply that assembly, when any noble family became extinct? What
qualifications were necessary in those who are to be created new
lords: whether the humour of the prince, a sum of money to a court
lady, or a design of strengthening a party opposite to the public
interest, ever happened to be the motive in those advancements?
What share of knowledge these lords had in the laws of their
country, and how they came by it, so as to enable them to decide
the properties of their fellow-subjects in the last resort?
Whether they were always so free from avarice, partialities, or
want, that a bribe, or some other sinister view, could have no
place among them? Whether those holy lords I spoke of were always
promoted to that rank upon account of their knowledge in religious
matters, and the sanctity of their lives; had never been compliers
with the times, while they were common priests; or slavish
prostitute chaplains to some nobleman, whose opinions they
continued servilely to follow, after they were admitted into that
assembly?"
He then desired to know, "What arts were practised in electing
those whom I called commoners: whether a stranger, with a strong
purse, might not influence the vulgar voters to choose him before
their own landlord, or the most considerable gentleman in the
neighbourhood? How it came to pass, that people were so violently
bent upon getting into this assembly, which I allowed to be a great
trouble and expense, often to the ruin of their families, without
any salary or pension? because this appeared such an exalted strain
of virtue and public spirit, that his majesty seemed to doubt it
might possibly not be always sincere." And he desired to know,
"Whether such zealous gentlemen could have any views of refunding
themselves for the charges and trouble they were at by sacrificing
the public good to the designs of a weak and vicious prince, in
conjunction with a corrupted ministry?" He multiplied his
questions, and sifted me thoroughly upon every part of this head,
proposing numberless inquiries and objections, which I think it not
prudent or convenient to repeat.
Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice, his majesty
desired to be satisfied in several points: and this I was the
better able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long
suit in chancery, which was decreed for me with costs. He asked,
"What time was usually spent in determining between right and
wrong, and what degree of expense? Whether advocates and orators
had liberty to plead in causes manifestly known to be unjust,
vexatious, or oppressive? Whether party, in religion or politics,
were observed to be of any weight in the scale of justice? Whether
those pleading orators were persons educated in the general
knowledge of equity, or only in provincial, national, and other
local customs? Whether they or their judges had any part in
penning those laws, which they assumed the liberty of interpreting,
and glossing upon at their pleasure? Whether they had ever, at
different times, pleaded for and against the same cause, and cited
precedents to prove contrary opinions? Whether they were a rich or
a poor corporation? Whether they received any pecuniary reward for
pleading, or delivering their opinions? And particularly, whether
they were ever admitted as members in the lower senate?"
He fell next upon the management of our treasury; and said, "he
thought my memory had failed me, because I computed our taxes at
about five or six millions a-year, and when I came to mention the
issues, he found they sometimes amounted to more than double; for
the notes he had taken were very particular in this point, because
he hoped, as he told me, that the knowledge of our conduct might be
useful to him, and he could not be deceived in his calculations.
But, if what I told him were true, he was still at a loss how a
kingdom could run out of its estate, like a private person." He
asked me, "who were our creditors; and where we found money to pay
them?" He wondered to hear me talk of such chargeable and
expensive wars; "that certainly we must be a quarrelsome people, or
live among very bad neighbours, and that our generals must needs be
richer than our kings." He asked, what business we had out of our
own islands, unless upon the score of trade, or treaty, or to
defend the coasts with our fleet?" Above all, he was amazed to
hear me talk of a mercenary standing army, in the midst of peace,
and among a free people. He said, "if we were governed by our own
consent, in the persons of our representatives, he could not
imagine of whom we were afraid, or against whom we were to fight;
and would hear my opinion, whether a private man's house might not
be better defended by himself, his children, and family, than by
half-a-dozen rascals, picked up at a venture in the streets for
small wages, who might get a hundred times more by cutting their
throats?"
He laughed at my "odd kind of arithmetic," as he was pleased to
call it, "in reckoning the numbers of our people, by a computation
drawn from the several sects among us, in religion and politics."
He said, "he knew no reason why those, who entertain opinions
prejudicial to the public, should be obliged to change, or should
not be obliged to conceal them. And as it was tyranny in any
government to require the first, so it was weakness not to enforce
the second: for a man may be allowed to keep poisons in his
closet, but not to vend them about for cordials."
He observed, "that among the diversions of our nobility and gentry,
I had mentioned gaming: he desired to know at what age this
entertainment was usually taken up, and when it was laid down; how
much of their time it employed; whether it ever went so high as to
affect their fortunes; whether mean, vicious people, by their
dexterity in that art, might not arrive at great riches, and
sometimes keep our very nobles in dependence, as well as habituate
them to vile companions, wholly take them from the improvement of
their minds, and force them, by the losses they received, to learn
and practise that infamous dexterity upon others?"
He was perfectly astonished with the historical account gave him of
our affairs during the last century; protesting "it was only a heap
of conspiracies, rebellions, murders, massacres, revolutions,
banishments, the very worst effects that avarice, faction,
hypocrisy, perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, madness, hatred, envy,
lust, malice, and ambition, could produce."
His majesty, in another audience, was at the pains to recapitulate
the sum of all I had spoken; compared the questions he made with
the answers I had given; then taking me into his hands, and
stroking me gently, delivered himself in these words, which I shall
never forget, nor the manner he spoke them in: "My little friend
Grildrig, you have made a most admirable panegyric upon your
country; you have clearly proved, that ignorance, idleness, and
vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifying a legislator; that
laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied, by those whose
interest and abilities lie in perverting, confounding, and eluding
them. I observe among you some lines of an institution, which, in
its original, might have been tolerable, but these half erased, and
the rest wholly blurred and blotted by corruptions. It does not
appear, from all you have said, how any one perfection is required
toward the procurement of any one station among you; much less,
that men are ennobled on account of their virtue; that priests are
advanced for their piety or learning; soldiers, for their conduct
or valour; judges, for their integrity; senators, for the love of
their country; or counsellors for their wisdom. As for yourself,"
continued the king, "who have spent the greatest part of your life
in travelling, I am well disposed to hope you may hitherto have
escaped many vices of your country. But by what I have gathered
from your own relation, and the answers I have with much pains
wrung and extorted from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your
natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious vermin that
nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth."
_____
Content of PART II - A VOYAGE TO BROBDINGNAG - CHAPTER VI [Jonathan Swift's novel: Gulliver's Travels] _
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