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The Unspeakable Perk, a novel by Samuel Hopkins Adams |
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CHAPTER I - MR. BEETLE MAN |
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_ The man sat in a niche of the mountain, busily hating the Caribbean Sea. It was quite a contract that he had undertaken, for there was a large expanse of Caribbean Sea in sight to hate; very blue, and still, and indifferent to human emotions. However, the young man was a good steadfast hater, and he came there every day to sit in the shade of the overhanging boulder, where there was a little trickle of cool air down the slope and a little trickle of cool water from a crevice beneath the rock, to despise that placid, unimpressionable ocean and all its works and to wish that it would dry up forthwith, so that he might walk back to the blessed United States of America. In good plain American, the young man was pretty homesick. Two-man's-lengths up the mountain, on the crest of the sturdy But there was a spirit of mischief abroad upon that mountain Like as peas are panama hats to the eyes of the inexpert; far more The result of this simple monosyllable exceeded her fondest Shock number one: It wasn't the man at all! Instead of the black- Shock number two: The figure was groping lamentably and blindly in Presently one of the ranging hands encountered the spectacles, and Silence, above and below; a silence the long persistence of which "Say it again." The request came from under the rock. Evidently "Say WHAT again?" she inquired. "Anything," returned the voice, with child-like content. "Oh, I--I hope you didn't break your glasses." "No; you didn't." On consideration, she decided to ignore this prompt countering of "I thought you were some one else," she observed. "Well, so I am, am I not?" "So you are what?" "Some one else than you thought." "Why, yes, I suppose--But I meant some one else besides yourself." "I only wish I were." "Why?" she asked, intrigued by the fervid inflection of the wish. "Because then I'd be somewhere else than in this infernal hell- "I think it one of the loveliest spots I've ever seen," said she "How long have you been here?" "On this rock? Perhaps five minutes." "Not on the rock. In Caracuna?" "Quite a long time. Nearly a fortnight." The commentary on this was so indefinite that she was moved to "Is that a local dialect you're speaking?" "No; that was a grunt." "I don't think it was a very polite grunt, even as grunts go." "Perhaps not. I'm afraid I'm out of the habit." "Of grunting? You seem expert enough to satisfy--" "No; of being polite. I'll apologize if--if you'll only go on She laughed aloud. "Or laughing," he amended promptly. "Do it again." "One can't laugh to order!" she protested; "or even talk to order. "The human voice be--choked! It's YOUR human voice I want to hear "It's widely different from the kind that afflicts the suffering "Stand up and see." "No, SIR!--that is, ma'am. Too much risk." "Risk! Of what?" "Freckles. I don't like freckles. Not on YOUR voice, anyway." "On my VOICE? Are you--" "Of course I am--a little. Any one is who stays down here more "I'm not gold and blue!" "Of course you're not. But your speech is. I'll be wise, and "A WHAT?" "Cookie. Tourist. No, of course you're not. No tour would be "Ah, that's my secret." "Or, rather, are you here at all? Perhaps you're just a figment of "Of course, if you don't believe in me, I'll fly away on a "Oh, please! Don't say that! I'm doing my best." So panic-stricken was the appeal that she laughed again, in spite "Ah, that's better! Now, come, be honest with me. You're not "Me? I'm as lovely as the dawn." "So far, so good. And have you got long golden--that is to say, "Certainly," she replied, with spirit. "Is it plentiful enough so that you could spare a little?" "Are you asking me for a lock of my hair?" she queried, on a note "No; oh, no!" he protested. "Nothing so familiar. I'm offering you "It sounds delightfully like voodoo," she observed. "What must I "First, catch your hair. Well up toward the head, please. Now pull "Ouch!" said the voice above. "Do it again. Now have you got two?" "Yes." "Knot them together." There was a period of silence. "It's very difficult," complained the girl. "Because you're doing it in silence. There must be sprightly "What about?" "Tell me who you thought I was when you said, 'Boo!' at me." "A goose." "A--a GOOSE! Why--what--" "Doesn't one proverbially say 'Boo!' to a goose?" she remarked "If one has the courage. Now, I haven't. I'm shy." "Shy! You?" Again the delicious trill of her mirth rang in his "No! Truly." There was real and anxious earnestness in his "O wise young man! ARE you young? Ouch!" "Reasonably. Was that the last hair?" "Positively! I'm scalped. You're a red Indian." "Tie it on. Now, fasten a hairpin on the end and let it down. All Up came the thread, and, as its burden rose over the face of the "How exquisite! Orchids, aren't they?" "Yes, the golden-brown bee orchid. Just your coloring." "So it is. How do you know?" she asked, startled. "From the hair. And your eyes have gold flashes in the brown when "Your wits are YOUR eyes. But where do you get such orchids?" "From my little private garden underneath the rock." "Life will be a dull and dreary round unless I see that garden." "No! I say! Wait! Really, now, Miss--er--" There was panic in the "Oh, don't be afraid. I'm only playing with your fears. One look "Go nothing! I'm not going. Neither are you, I hope, until you've "All that for a spray of orchids?" "But they are quite rare ones." "And very lovely." The girl mused, and a sudden impulse seized her to take the unseen "You aren't getting ready to go?" he cried, alarmed at her long "No; I'm thinking." "Please think aloud." "I was thinking--suppose I did." There was so much of weighty consideration in her accents that the "Did what? Not come down from the rock?" "Be calm. I shouldn't "Go on," he encouraged. "It sounds most promising." "More than that. It's fairly thrilling. It's the awful secret of "As the eternal rocks. Prescribe any form of oath and I'll take "I'm feeling just irresponsible enough to venture. Now, if I knew "Not unless you creep up on me unawares." "Then I'll unburden my overweighted heart, and you can be my augur "Try me." "I will. But, remember: this means truly that we are never to "Agreed," he said cheerfully, just a bit too cheerfully to be "Very well, then. I'm a runaway." "From where?" "Home." "Naturally. Where's home?" "Utica, New York," she specified. "U.S.A.," he concluded, with a sigh. "What did you run away from?" "Trouble." "Does any one ever run away from anything else?" he inquired "Three men," she said dolorously. "All after poor little me. They "Go slow! Did you say Utica or Utah?" "Everybody thought I ought to marry one or the other of 'em, I "Why here, of all places on earth?" "Oh, he's interested in some mines and concessions and things. "Which is Bobby?" "He's one of the home boys. We've grown up together, and I'm so "Check off No. 1. What's No. 2?" "Lots older. Mr. Thomas Murray Smith is an unspoiled millionaire. "Have you kept No. 3 for the last because he's the best?" "No-o-o-o. Because he's the nearest. He followed me down. You can "Sounds Southern," commented the man below. "Southern! He's more Southern than the South Pole. His ancestors "And now you wish he hadn't?" "Oh--well--I don't know. He's awfully good-looking and gallant and "He'd better get out of this country before that gets back to "If he thought there was danger, he'd stay forever. I don't "Young woman, you're a shameless flirt!" accused the invisible one "If I am, it isn't going to hurt you. Besides, I'm not. And, "Aug?" repeated the other hesitantly. "Certainly. Do an augury. Tell me which." "Oh! As for that, it's easy. None." "Why not?" "Because I much prefer to think of you, when you are gone, as "Well, of all the selfish pigs! Condemned to be an old maid, in "Good Heavens, no!" he cried in the most unflattering alarm. "It "You look it! Or you did look it, scrambling about like a doodle "There is no such insect as a doodle bug." "Isn't there? How do you know? Are you personally acquainted with "Certainly. That's my business. I'm a scientist." "Oh, gracious! And I've appealed to you in a matter of sentiment! "Why should he be lost?" "Because I lost him. Back there on the trail. Purposely. I sent "Oh-h-h! Then HE'S the goose." "Goose! Preston Fairfax Fitz--" "Yes, the goose you said 'Boo!' to, you know." "Of course. You didn't steal his hat, did you?" "No. It's my own hat. Why did you run away from him?" "He bored me. When people bore me, I always run away. I'm There was silence below, a silence that piqued the girl. "Well," she challenged, "haven't you anything to say before the "I'm thinking--frantically. But the thoughts aren't girl thoughts. "Heaven forbid!" "They're very interesting." "No. You're worthless as an augur, and a flat failure as a "Good-bye!" he said desolately. "And thank you." "For what?" "For making music in my desert." "That's much better," she approved. "But you've paid your score "I'm afraid I'm all out of those," he returned. "But," he added "We have an encyclopaedia of our own at home," she interrupted "Well, I'll talk some more about you, if you'll give me a little "I think you are very impertinent. I don't wish to talk about "Oh, please don't--" "Don't interrupt. I'm very much offended, and I'm glad we are "Good-bye," he answered mournfully. But his attentive ears failed to discern the sound of departing "Please, Mr. Beetle Man, I'm lost." "No, you're not," he said reassuringly. "You're not a quarter of a "But I don't know which direction--" "Perfectly simple. Keep on over the top of the rock; turn left "That's too many turns, I never could remember more than two." "Now, listen," he said persuasively. "I can make it quite plain to "I don't WISH to listen! I'll never find it." "I'll toss you up my compass." "I don't want your compass," she said firmly. A long patient sigh exhaled from below. "Do you want me to guide you?" "No," she retorted, and was instantly panic-stricken, for the Slowly she got to her feet. Perhaps she would have dared and gone; It was a small devil on stilts, not more than three or four inches "Of course," the patient voice below was saying, "if you really "BLUMP!" The rock had turned over on his unprotected head and flattened him Two paces away, the Voice, duly and most appropriately embodied, "Oh-h! Aren't you GOGGLESOME!" she cried dizzily. He raised his hands to the huge brown spectacles. "Wh--wh--what did you come down for?" he babbled. There was a "COME down! I fell!" "Yes, yes; that may be true--" "MAY be!" "Of course, it is true. I--I--I see it's true. I'm awfully sorry." "Sorry? What for?" "That you came. That you fell, I mean to say. I--I--I don't really "No wonder, poor boy! I landed right on you, didn't I?" "Did you? Something did. I thought it was the mountain." "You aren't very complimentary," she pouted. "But there! I dare "No; not at all. Certainly, I mean. It doesn't matter. See here," "Well, if it comes to that," she countered, "you promised that "I can't help it," he said miserably. "I'm afraid." "You don't look it. You look disagreeable." "As long as you stayed where you belonged--Excuse me--I don't The girl turned amazed and amused eyes upon him. "What on earth ails the poor man?" she inquired of all creation. "I told you. I--I'm shy." "Not really! I thought it was a joke." "Qu'est-ce qu'il dit? Qu'est-ce qu'il dit?" demanded the yellow- "What does he say? He says he's shy. Poor poo--er young, helpless "All right!" he retorted warmly. "Laugh if you want to! But after "Do you, indeed? Perhaps you think it's pleasant for me, after From the depths of those limpid eyes welled up a little film of "O Lord! Don't do that!" he implored. "I didn't mean--I'm a bear-- "I'm not doing anything." "Of course you're not. That's fine! As for your secrets, I dare "Oh, wouldn't you?" she cried in quite another tone. "Quite likely not. These glasses, you see. They make things look "Or if you heard me?" she challenged. "Ah, well, that's different. But I forget quite easily--even She leaned forward, her hands in her lap, her eyes upon the "Then take them off." "What? My glasses?" "Take them off!" "Wh--wh--why should I?" "So that you can see me better." "I don't want to see you better." "Yes, you do. I'm much more interesting than a scarab." "But I know about scarabs and I don't know about--about--" "Girls. So one might suspect. Do you know what I'm doing, Mr. "N-n-no." "I'm flirting with you. I never flirted with a scientific person This last was all but drowned out in his flood of panicky "If you send me away now, I'll cry. Really, truly cry, this time." "No, you won't! I mean I won't! I--I'll do anything! I'll talk! "Than an unprotected man with a conscienceless flirt, who falls on "Now you're beginning again!" he wailed. "What did you jump for, "I slipped. An awful, red-eyed, scrambly fiend scared me--a real, "That was a tarantula, I suppose, from the description." "They're deadly, aren't they?" "Of course not. Unscientific nonsense. I'll go up and chase him "Flying from perils that you know not of to more familiar "Well, you see, with the tarantula out of the way, there's no "Go, and leave you in peace? What do you think of that for The gay-feathered inquisitor had come quite near. "Qu'est-ce qu'il dit?" he queried, cocking his curious head. "He says he doesn't like me one little, wee, teeny bit, and he "Nothing of the sort," protested the badgered spectacle-wearer. "Then why such unseemly haste to make my path clear?" "I just thought that maybe you'd go back on the top of the rock, He made three jumps of it up the boulder, bearing a stick in his "Ahem!" he began nervously. "Ahem!" she retorted so promptly that he almost fell off his "I wish I knew whether you were laughing at me or not," he said "When?" "All the time." "I am. Your darkest suspicions are correct. Did you abolish my "I drove him back into his trapdoor home and put a rock over it." "Why didn't you destroy him?" "Because I've appointed him guardian of the rock, with strict "Bravo! You're progressing. As soon as you're free from the blight "No, I suppose not," he said dismally. "I shan't hear you again, "Oh, oh! Is this the language of science? You know I almost think "Why not?" "Because we leave to-morrow." "Not across to the southern coast? It isn't safe. Fever--" "No; by Puerto del Norte." "There's no boat." "Yes, there is. You can just see her funnel over that white slope. "And you think you are going in her to-morrow?" "Think? I know it." "No," he contradicted. "Yes," she asserted, quite as concisely. "No," he repeated. "You're mistaken." "Don't be absurd. Why?" "Look out there, over that tree to the "I'm looking." "Do you see anything?" "Yes; a sort of little smudge." "That's why." "It's a very shadowy sort of why." "There's substance enough under it." "A riddle? I'll give it up." "No; a bet. I'll bet you the treasures of my mountain-side. "Beetles, to know which is to love them, and love but them "That you will come to the rock day after to-morrow at this hour "Done! Send your treasures to the pier, for you'll surely lose. It was a single-file trail, and he walked in advance, silent as an "Be at your rock to-morrow, and when you see the yacht steam out, "Er--what? No." He lifted his eyes, startled, and looked out "Then is there anything the matter with my face?" "Yes." "Yes? Well, what?" "It's going to be hard to forget," complained he of the goggles. "Then look away before it's too late," she cried merrily; but her At the dip of the road down into the bridged arroyo, she turned, |