Chapter 56. Which Relates Several Curious Things That Took Place After The Great Battle Of The Miracle Was Decided...

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_ CHAPTER LVI. WHICH RELATES SEVERAL CURIOUS THINGS THAT TOOK PLACE AFTER THE GREAT BATTLE OF THE MIRACLE WAS DECIDED; AND ALSO HOW A GREAT QUARREL AROSE CONCERNING THE GOVERNMENT OF KALORAMA

"FAITH, gentlemen," said Commander Potter, as with a long pole, his attendants drew him, besmeared with soft black mud, from the frog-pond, "though I know not how the battle goes, and am not a bit bruised in my person, I am much concerned for the damage to my uniform. My horse I freely forgive, for he is really a trusty animal. Go then and bring him to me, for though he served me this dirty trick, my heart will not let me forget his past goodness." And while a messenger was dispatched in search of the wayward steed, the general was got to his head-quarters, where a change of raiment so altered his appearance that when his generals came to announce the result of the battle scarce one of them recognised him until he spoke. In truth he was quietly stretched upon a bed, with nothing on but his breeches, shirt, and night cap. But when they announced to him the manner in which this great victory was won, he sprang to his feet, and giving vent to his ecstacy, declared it nothing less than a miracle. "Faith of my mother!" he exclaimed, placing his hands to his belly and tossing his head, "now I know that my horse Battle was preserved to me for a great purpose."

"Aye sir, it is wise of you to say so," replied Broadbottom, taking him gravely by the hand, "but it is my melancholy duty to inform you that the poor animal is killed. But it may afford you consolation to know that he first killed the King and his mule." This sad news so affected the general that he could with difficulty restrain his tears. Indeed the words choaked in his throat for several minutes, and he seemed completely overcome with melancholy. "You must remember, general," replied Goneti, with a flourish of his sword, "that it is to this animal we owe the success of our arms."

"I am delighted with this excellent account of my horse," said the Commander, with regained cheerfulness. "It is true, an accident I need not describe here, deprived you of the great service I had intended to bestow upon this battle. If, however, it was by my horse, then by all all the rules of war, I am entitled to a large share of the honor. It was a miracle performed by him, gentlemen; and viewing it in that light, I am consoled for his death, and so peace be with him."

Broadbottom now stepped forward, in his uniform, and, with a twinkle of mischief in his eye, replied: "Our Commander has it exactly. And if it please him, we will have this battle called the Battle of the Miracle!"

"Faith, general," rejoined Commander Potter, "you have hit my way of thinking, exactly. Let Stoneheart appear, and I will instruct him how to record this great victory in the New York newspapers, so that the whole union be made to dance with joy when it appears." Stoneheart was not long in appearing before his Commander, who at once complimented him, though in truth he was in no very sober mood, on his great proficiency at making the greatest victories ever won by mortal valor. And although it was said of this Stoneheart that he was nowhere to be found during the hottest of the fight, he was not a whit less than a general in his own eyes. Having been enjoined what to say by his commander, this good man and valiant soldier betook himself to the preparation of these grandiloquent articles. As for the commander, he busied himself writing ponderous dispatches to Glenmoregain, who, satisfied that he had a perfect pearl of a Commander, as well as the kingdom of Kalorama safe between his thumbs, forthwith ordered the building of seven more steamships, since it was no small matter for a great merchant to go about with two or three kingdoms in his pockets, and not have a navy to protect them. In truth it must be confessed that Glenmoregain, although an excellent gentlemen and worthy citizen, was exceedingly loose in his discretion. Perhaps, however, it is charitable to say that a less credulous gentleman might have yielded to his enthusiasm under the same circumstances, for Commander Potter declared by the saints that not only had he been in the flame and fire of every fight, but killed with his own arm not less than six of the enemy's best generals, whose heads he would send him by the next mail.

And now the allies having vanquished the poor Kaloramas, and put the priests to flight, betook themselves to rioting, and were so elated at gaining the victory, that they entirely forgot to take possession of Nezub, and indeed spent three whole days in such pleasant amusements as hanging the peasantry in the neighborhood, and pillaging such things as henroosts and beehives. And this strange apathy on the part of the allies afforded the poor Nezubians an excellent opportunity for burying their king decently; after which they vacated their humble homes, with no few sighs and regrets. In truth many was the heart that beat in sorrow as it passed some familiar object, and the eye that moistened with tears as it turned to look back upon those rude cabins wherein was stored all the recollections of childhood.

The generals having come to their senses on the fourth day, formed their army, and suddenly remembering that it would be in accordance with the usages of war to demand a capitulation, dispatched an officer with a flag of truce. But on entering the town he found it deserted, even to the dogs; while the priests, as if to leave traces of their mission along the lonely streets, had planted them with crosses. This state of things being reported, Commander Potter, for want of his favorite horse, mounted a well-starved mule, and placing himself at the head of his army, entered the town amidst the blowing of horns and beating of drums, which fully satisfied him that no greater, or more fortunate commander ever lived. But the army had not been in possession of the town more than an hour when a great quarrel arose between Commander Potter and Don Perez Goneti, touching the right to rule the kingdom. Both proceeded to take possession of the king's palace; both asserted their claims in language and demeanor unbecoming soldiers; and each ordered his followers to hang the other without judge or jury. And when they were about putting an end to this dispute with their drawn swords, (having given the army an incentive to disorder,) Stoneheart interposed for peace, proposing that they both consider themselves sovereigns until such time as a board of generals could be called to settle the question.

I ought to mention that Don Perez Goneti asserted his claim on the ground of having first conceived the project of getting the kingdom out of the king's fingers. Further, he bid the great Potter bear in mind that he was invited into the country, merely as an auxiliary to the carrying out of a great undertaking. But this only served to increase Commander Potter's temerity, for he asserted with great force that every victory yet won was due to the army sent him by the New York gentleman, for whom he was to get the kingdom, to say nothing of what his horse had done. Like sensible gentlemen, becoming weary of the quarrel, they partook of a punch, went quietly to bed, and left this great question to be settled among their generals. But unfortunately their generals were not of a turn of mind to agree on anything; and after spending nine days in angry discussion, concluded with calling one another such names as-"robber," "ruffian," "coward." In fact each general had such a longing for the crown, and fancied himself possessed of such a rare talent for governing, that neither coaxing nor beseeching could have brought them to an agreement on this matter of the crown. And this was to be regretted, seeing that the priests were mustering the Kalorama army, and indeed giving various other proofs of their itching to recover the kingdom.

And now, when disorder seemed at its highest pitch, the allied army, with commendable good sense, and without paying the slightest heed to the quarrels of its generals, proclaimed General Roger Sherman Potter ruler over all Kalorama; and this was out of sheer respect to his humor, for the army held it good to be ruled over by a gentleman who could afford soldiers so much diversion.

Be it known then that General Potter accepted this manifestation of popular favor, as homage paid to his great military skill, and having called his soldiers together, he made then a speech, in which he made promises to their satisfaction, declaring that he was more than a match for the duties of the office. "And now, gentlemen soldiers," he concluded, "since you have made me ruler over this kingdom, you shall see that I am not fresh in the business. I would have you recollect, also, that the man who seeks my overthrow must not take it amiss if he find himself dangling to a tree: it is enough for rulers to rule; and for what follows, let citizens look to their own doors." Whereupon there was great clapping of hands, and indeed such acclamations of joy as convinced General Potter that he was a ruler in every way worthy of their admiration.

After bidding his soldiers go and regale themselves wherever they could find wherewith to do it, (for as yet there was no plunder in the treasury,) the ruler had an account of this wonderful transformation of affairs forwarded to the newspapers, that it might be published to the world, which he knew in his heart felt a deep interest in all his movements. This done he set to work organizing his cabinet; but so jealous of Don Perez Goneti was he, that in order to be well rid of him he sent him (disguised in the garb of a priest) ambassador to Washington, where, he thanked heaven, the strangeness of his figure, as well as his extraordinary presumption, would be of great service in recommending him to our good natured president.

Feeling the kingdom safe in his palm, he called the members of his cabinet together, and addressed them in the following manner: "Although I have no mitre on my head, gentlemen, I am no less ruler over this kingdom. And as I am a man who loves peace, pray put an end to your disputes on the spot; for I intend that prudence shall mark my reign. Mark what I say then: he who wrangles for the small offices of this nation, had better look to his reason. I challenge no man for his reputation, for a public servant had needs take care of the little he has got; but if you would find favor with the people, and prolong the glory of my reign, let your thoughts turn on how you can best serve them. And as the nation is without a treasury, I make no doubt you will preserve your integrity, which, heaven knows, is more than most men do. But of all things, lend not your ears to every man's whisper; for if you do the nation will suffer most where you least think. I would also have you moderate your longing for higher office; for it is a thing that brings much evil to the nation. Above all, be mindful how you give rein to your conceits, since it is come the fashion for men to say fine things of you to your face, and send you to the devil with their thoughts. As for myself, there shall be so good an understanding between me and my people that no man shall speak evil of my reign. Truly, gentlemen, I hold it a pleasant thing to die and know the people will say: 'Well, Roger Sherman Potter was a good ruler.' And now, let every man to his office."

With this model address, the like of which is not to be found in any history heretofore written, the great Potter dismissed his cabinet.

The members, on consulting among themselves, came to the very sensible conclusion that as their ruler had failed, in his address, to throw any light upon the services required of them, the nation was well enough; and if let alone would take care of itself. They therefore betook themselves to a small cabin built of palm-logs and clay, where they spent the day in carousing; while the great ruler contemplated the majesty of his position, and the army roamed over the country in search of plunder.

And now, having spent one whole day in the mighty task of governing a nation, he was overtaken with one of the most remarkable reverses, which not only changed the whole face of affairs but came within a hair of costing him his life; as well as discovering to him the fact that no really great ruler was sure of his throne, even for a day. And this wonderful event, with all its serious results, the reader will find faithfully recorded in the next chapter. _

Read next: Chapter 57. Treating Of How The Ruler Was Carried Off Into Captivity On A Mule...

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