Chapter 43. Which Records How The General Got His Commission, And Returned To New York...

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_ CHAPTER XLIII. WHICH RECORDS HOW THE GENERAL GOT HIS COMMISSION, AND RETURNED TO NEW YORK, WITH SEVERAL OTHER THINGS COMMON TO POLITICIANS

SEVERAL days had elapsed, the general's letter was before the cabinet, and many were the speculations as to what sort of a mission a man with such strange intellect was capable of filling. It must be confessed that his letter afforded the cabinet no little diversion; indeed, many were the members who marvelled at the queer mixture of sense and nonsense it contained. And the more they amused themselves in pondering over it, the more did they seem to find veins of good sense concealed in it. If, then, one agreed he was fool enough to be harmless in his associations with the people to whom he might be accredited, certainly if sent to some obscure and remote part of the earth, he had sense enough for the small service that would be required of him as a diplomatist. And as a dumb man could perform some excellent parts when left to himself, and was sure not to get into mischief from the too free use of his tongue, so also would there be peace between nations, the representatives of which would not understand each other. Another agreed that it were strange indeed that a man who had been so feted by the authorities of New York, and was represented by the newspapers as having rendered such important services to his party should apply for a mission so obscure. But on further consideration this was set down to his credit; for it was held that though he might be wild and extravagant in some things, he had at least the virtue of being modest in his demands, which was rare in office-seekers at this day. Further, there could not be a doubt but that he was one of those persevering gentlemen who would give the department much annoyance with his importunities, and the shortest method of getting rid of him would be to give him the mission. It was, therefore, jocularly agreed to grant his prayer; and the Secretary was forthwith charged to prepare his instructions and provide him with the necessary credentials.

A few days passed, and divers correspondents of newspapers famous for getting early news flashed over the wires, to the no small surprise of the nation, the important intelligence that General Roger Sherman Potter was appointed "charge de affairs" to the King of the Kaloramas. And this bit of very important news set many gentlemen well-read in geography to puzzling their wits to find out the exact location of this wonderful kingdom. Nor could they divine what benefit it was to be the good fortune of our government to derive from such a strange mission, though diplomacy had so many intricate labyrinths that it were impossible for the ordinary mind to keep trace of all its objects. If, thought many, Kalorama were a wild of uncultivated deserts, upon which the burning rays of a tropical sun beat without clemency, he who would face its terrors must have the courage of a dragon. But none of these trifles disturbed the equanimity of the general, who regarded this appointment in the light of another feather in his fame. He also had the good sense not to go into raptures over his appointment; but to follow out the instructions given him by Glanmoregain, who took a more comprehensive, if not a strictly diplomatic, view of the matter and its future results.

The government did, also, in the kindest manner, grant the general's prayer that Mr. Tickler (of whose gallantry and great learning he spoke in praises that would have secured a dozen appointments,) be appointed his secretary. Nothing then remained but the approval of the Senate; and as he reposed quite as much in his extraordinary value to the nation as that wonderful Wall Street general who now and then sends forth a whole gasometer of diplomacy from his little sanctum, so also did he, having got his appointment safe between his thumbs, snap his fingers at the Senate. In truth, he set an extravagant value upon his worth to the nation, and the honor that would be conferred upon it in having so great a general to represent it abroad! His most absorbing thought, then, was how he could make the most speed in getting to the place of his appointment, where he already began to fancy himself committing no end of diplomatic exploits, as a pink and flower of a general ought to do.

And now, feeling the tremendous demands of the nation upon his shoulders, and fancying every eye turned upon him, he drew his chair beside Tickler one day, and spoke as follows: "Friend, you shall know more of me when you have been longer in my service. I have already made you a great man; for as you know by this time, the office of Secretary to my legation is great enough in all conscience. Some men have a stomach for office like a cormorant, which is a serious scourge to the nation. Pray, sir, if you have a turn that way, get rid of it before another moon."

"By my honor, general, I've no such craving; for I was content enough before I saw you to live a poor critic, and never thought of being a Secretary. But tell me, what sort of a king is this we are sent to; for with all my reading I have never heard of him before?"

"By Heavens, sir! I know as little of him as yourself; but I take it he is a savage who it will require some fighting before he yields to all the demands I shall make of him."

"Now as to this fighting, your honor may excuse me; for though I have knocked a man or two down with my stick, and will turn my back to no man in valor at pen-fighting, I have no liking for these knives and pistols, for at best there is only an inch or two between them and a man's life."

"You must cultivate your courage, friend Tickler; you must cultivate your courage!" interposed the general, as Mr. Tickler quietly drew a fresh cigar from his pocket. "The day is come when, if a man would live in a mansion, he must have an undaunted heart, and courage enough to commend himself to whatever may turn to his advantage. You shall have chances enough to fill your pockets with gold. And now that we have these government matters to attend to, you shall soon see that General Roger Potter can manage a nation as well as any of them, if the clergy but let him alone."

"As to the gold, general, I pray the day may soon come; for I like to feel something in my pocket, which is lean enough now," rejoined the critic, casting an anxious look at his chief.

"Trust to fortune, and I warrant you a castle and so much gold that every malicious scribbler you have had a tilt with shall speak ill of you."

Tickler was inclined to look upon the castle as one of those he had so many times built of air, and declared that in addition to not having enough to buy a cigar, he had several times caught the landlord's eye, and knew that his bill was uppermost in his thoughts.

"Remember, friend," resumed the general, "the law will not let him hang you; and as he has been paid for one week, I take it there will be no moral harm if you shell him out of the rest, as you did the widow. Nor does it discover great valor in a man that he arm himself with his fears instead of his sword. It is necessary that you be firm and fearless, never for a moment deserting your chief, and always standing ready to do his bidding, if it be to make his enemies dance."

"Love of my mother, sir!" ejaculated Tickler, "you would not have me shell this landlord; for then it would get into the newspapers, and I'd be set down for a great rogue."

"Sharp fellow as he is, I take you, friend Tickler, for a sharper. And as you had skill enough to shell a widow, pray let your inclination take a natural turn, and if you cannot shell this fellow out of so small a trifle, then I am much mistaken in your qualities for a diplomatist; for I can tell you that it is come a fashion at this day for all our first-class secretaries to get well in debt, and then leave their creditors to whistle. Now, as my purse is getting low, and it will not do to let the nation suffer, do you pack up a couple of shirts, and heeding nobody, pass down the avenue, affecting the unconcern of the new member from Georgia; and when you have reached the cars (if any man say aught, tell him you are seeing a friend off) go quietly away in them, thanking Heaven for the bountiful examples that have been set you by high officials. Here! here are ten dollars; get speedily away, and I will join you in Baltimore. Fail not to meet me, for the nation needs all our efforts, and this is no time to trifle."

Tickler revolved this matter over and over in his mind; then he remembered how many ladies there were esteeming him for a gallant Irish gentleman. If this affair got into the newspapers, he thought, it might seriously damage him with the sex, of whose good opinion none could be more scrupulous. Suddenly he remembered that he was now Secretary of Legation, and with the examples set by several of his illustrious predecessors, he was not long in concluding there could be no harm in taking to his heels, and letting the landlord's concern about his bill offset for the shabby table he set. Also, the general had promised to make him as good a soldier as he had been a critic! And the ten dollars would, if he chanced not to meet some damsel of his acquaintance by the way, be enough for him to live fashionably for at least a week.

"It is well enough to think of your honor, friend Tickler; I think none the worse of you for that. But when you have disappeared I will raise my hands and swear there has been foul play; that you have been waylaid and despatched (having a full purse in your pocket) by those murdering villains who infest the city; that the government had better bestir itself in the matter." Thus spoke the general; and soon they settled the matter between them, and Mr. Tickler, consoling himself that the landlord was a shabby fellow, proceeded forthwith to the cars, and was soon on the road to Baltimore.

Several days elapsed, and, as might naturally be expected, a great stir was made about Mr. Tickler's strange disappearance, concerning which the general expressed great anxiety, offering to put up at least a thousand dollars as a reward to any person who would clear up the mystery. One declared he had seen Tickler in company with General Sam Houston; another was willing to swear in court that he saw him last in the company of Senator Douglas; and still another would have sworn he saw him on the day after his departure in the company of one Dabney Grimkey, a writer of sensation novels; and that both were entering a house of suspicious character, on the island, the inmates of which ought all to be arrested and made to give an account of themselves. Indeed, simpleton as the major was, he had cunning enough for the whole of them, and initiated his diplomatic career by dispelling all their suspicions. I ought, however, to except the landlord, whose experience in such matters caused him to have a misgiving that all was not exactly right.

When then General Potter gave notice of his intended departure, and demanded his bill, the clever landlord was careful to add the amount due from Mr. Tickler. This was quickly disputed, and as there was no law by which the host could compel payment, and the general declared he was a gentleman who only bore him company out of sheer politeness, he set to rubbing his palms in disappointment, swore no few oaths, and promised himself to be careful in future how he entertained generals traveling with secretaries. To all this the general remained unconcerned; and having but little baggage, took his departure for New York, Mr. Stretcher, who had been minutely watching his movements, following the carriage and importuning for the amount of his demand for services rendered as an adept. But the general only snapped his fingers, and reminded the adept that it was agreed between them to let so small an affair remain "an after consideration." _

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