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_ ACT V - SCENE VII
SCENE VII. TRUEMAN'S House.
[Enter TRUEMAN]
[reading a letter].
This is very unaccountable;--Richard Worthnought, eigh:--I wish, Mr. Worthnought, you had been at my school a while, before you scrawl'd this wretched epistle:--but the subject is still more unintelligible.
[Enter WORTHNOUGHT.]
WORTHNOUGHT.
Mr. Trueman, I am yours.
TRUEMAN.
I deny it.--Heaven forbid, such a thing
as you should be either mine or my daughter's!
WORTHNOUGHT.
I should not gain much credit by the alliance, I believe.
--You have received my letter, sir, I presume.
TRUEMAN.
I think you presume--rather more than becomes you, sir.
WORTHNOUGHT.
I find, the foolish old Put don't like me.
[Aside.]
--I am sorry you do not approve of my offer; but,
but--a--rat me, but I must have her, for all that.
Ha, ha, ha;--'foregad, I must, old gentleman.
[Enter OLD LOVEYET.]
LOVEYET.
But I say you shall not have her, sir;
--there, I suppose you will have the impudence
to call me old gentleman next.
WORTHNOUGHT.
Demme, sir; what have you to do with his daughter?
LOVEYET.
Nothing; but my son has something to do with her: ha'n't he, friend Horace?
TRUEMAN.
Heyday! what does all this mean?--Has any State rejected the new Constitution?
WORTHNOUGHT.
Come, let's have no palitics, for gad's sake;--rat the canstitution:
--I wou'dn't give une Fille de joye, for all the musty canstitutions in christendom.
TRUEMAN.
By the dignity of my profession, you never read Publius then;
or you would have liked one constitution.
WORTHNOUGHT.
Publius! ha, ha, ha.--I read Publius! Not I, sir, I assure you:
--an outre fellow,--a dull, mysterious, mechanical writer,
as ever I refused to read, split me.
LOVEYET.
So he is, so he is, sir: by my body,
I am glad to find somebody of my mind.
[TRUEMAN and LOVEYET retire to the back of the stage.
[Enter FRANKTON and HUMPHRY.]
FRANKTON.
You saw him go into Miss Airy's house, this morning, you say.
HUMPHRY.
Yes.
[Walks thoughtlessly about the stage.]
FRANKTON.
I think, this is a tolerable confirmation of the matter.
[Aside.]
WORTHNOUGHT.
Hah,--Frankton;--'foregad, I am yours, superlatively.
FRANKTON.
Are you, positively? Hah,--she is here.
[Enter MARIA, on the opposite side.]
Your humble servant, Miss Airy.
MARIA.
[Pretends to take no notice of FRANKTON.]
Mr. Trueman, I hope I have the pleasure to see you well.
TRUEMAN.
I thank you, madam.
[Resumes his discourse with LOVEYET, who does not yet observe MARIA.]
MARIA.
I hoped to have found Miss Harriet here, sir.
TRUEMAN.
Madam?--
[Turns to LOVEYET again.]
LOVEYET.
Therefore, sir, as I was telling you, I am determined to have her.
[To TRUEMAN.]
TRUEMAN.
[Leaving LOVEYET.]
How is this, madam?--Mr. Loveyet tells me, he is determined to have you.
FRANKTON.
Who! How!--Have who, sir?
[Loud and earnestly.]
LOVEYET.
[Seeing MARIA.]
By my body, there she is herself.--Have who, sir?--Why, have this lady, sir; who do you think?--My sweet Miss Airy, I have the transcendent pleasure to kiss your hand, ugh, ugh.
MARIA.
Oh, fie, Mr. Loveyet.--I will have the pleasure to tease Frankton, now.
[Retires with OLD LOVEYET, whispering, and looking tenderly at him.]
FRANKTON.
Amazement!--The old fellow!
[Aside.]
WORTHNOUGHT.
This is all very astanishing, 'foregad:
--demme, but she deserves to die an old maid, if she has him.
[Aside.]
MARIA.
[Pretends to observe FRANKTON, for the first time.]
--Mr. Frankton!--I did not observe you before: I give you joy of your friend's arrival, sir;--I suppose you have seen him;--he is very agreeable.
FRANKTON.
Then I need not ask you, if you have seen him, madam.
MARIA.
He was at my house not two hours ago.
FRANKTON.
Did not you see him before that, madam?
MARIA.
I did not, sir.
FRANKTON.
Detested falsehood!
[Aside.]
MARIA.
The old gentleman acquainted me of his arrival, only a few minutes before.
LOVEYET.
Eigh, how,--old gentleman!--she did not mean me, I hope.
[Aside.]
FRANKTON.
And you think Mr. Loveyet is so agreeable then.
LOVEYET.
Aye, that's me;--by my body, he is jealous of me. Ha, ha; poor young fool!
[Aside.]
FRANKTON.
He thinks very highly of you, I assure you, madam;
he speaks of you with admiration.
MARIA.
And what of that, sir?--You speak as if you thought him my only admirer.
[Affectedly.]
FRANKTON.
Disgusting vanity!
[Aside.]
--No, madam,--the number of your admirers is at least equal to that of your acquaintance;--but there is only one, who sincerely loves, as well as admires you.
LOVEYET.
Come, come, sir; none of your airs, sir:--love her indeed;
--why--why, she don't love you.
[Ogling and winking at her, &c.]
WORTHNOUGHT.
Ha, ha, gudgeons all, demme;--old square toes is cursedly bit; I see that.
[Aside.]
MARIA.
Mr. Loveyet, I return'd the trunk to your son.
HUMPHRY.
His son.--Ha, ha.
LOVEYET.
Yes, yes, he told me so just now:--the poor dog was ready to
jump out of his skin, when I told him he should have Harriet.
Enter CANTWELL and HERALD.
WORTHNOUGHT.
Oh, the devil!--Now shall I be blown up, like a barrel of gun-powder.
[Aside.]
CANTWELL.
Servant, gentlemen and ladies.
--How is your daughter, Mr. Trueman? I hope she is likely to do well.
TRUEMAN.
I hope she is, madam; it is a match which we all approve.
CANTWELL.
No, no, sir; I mean concerning her late affair.
HERALD.
Why, young Loveyet certainly would not stoop so low, as to have her now.
TRUEMAN.
'Zounds! Why not, pray?
LOVEYET.
What, in the name of ill luck, can they mean!
--I hope, I--oh, there they come.
[Enter HARRIET and CHARLES LOVEYET.]
CANTWELL.
Oh, dear, here they are;--why she don't look as if that was the case.
[To HERALD.]
TRUEMAN.
I desire, ladies, to know what you mean, by these mysterious whispers.
CANTWELL.
La! sir; you only want to put a body to the blush;
but if you want an explanation, that gentleman
[Pointing to WORTHNOUGHT.]
can give it to you.
CHARLES.
The villain!
[Aside.]
--I fancy I could explain it as well.
WORTHNOUGHT.
Hem, hem,--now comes on my trial.
[Aside.]
CHARLES.
But first,--your blessing, sir.
[Kneels to his father.]
HARRIET.
And yours, sir.
[Kneels to TRUEMAN.]
LOVEYET.
What,--married already!
CHARLES.
This ten minutes, sir.
[Rising.]
CANTWELL }
AND } Married!
HERALD }
WORTHNOUGHT.
Then my ill-star'd fortune is decided.
[Aside.]
TRUEMAN.
Upon my erudition, you have been too precipitate, Harriet;
but I have no reason to think, you will repent it;
you, therefore, have my sincerest benediction.
[Raising her.]
MARIA.
I give you joy, my dear.
[To HARRIET.]
FRANKTON.
Now all my fears have vanished.
[Aside, and goes to YOUNG LOVEYET.]
LOVEYET.
By my body, you have made quick work of it, Charles.
CHARLES.
For fear of the worst, I have.
[Aside.]
LOVEYET.
But--but are you in favour of the new Constitution yet?
CHARLES.
At present I can think of no Constitution but that of Love and Matrimony, sir.
LOVEYET.
And I shall be sorry if your matrimonial Constitution does not prove the better one of the two.--Eigh, Maria?
WORTHNOUGHT.
Dick Worthnought, esquire, thou art an ass and a liar; and, what is worse than both,--as poor as poverty. Oh, Fortune, thou blind disposer of human events, when wilt thou make a man of me?
[Going angrily.]
CHARLES.
Stay a little, if you please, sir.--My happiness is too great at present, to let me take that revenge, which the baseness of your conduct deserves: but justice bids me accuse you of having wickedly, and without cause, endeavoured to injure the reputation of this lady, whom it is my highest boast and felicity now to call my wife; my making her such, however, at the very time when the baneful tongue of Slander is so diligent to damn her spotless fame,--
[Looking significantly at CANTWELL and HERALD.]
--will at once convince the public of her innocence, and the cruelty of her enemies. With her, you have also injured her connexions; but I, for my own part, am fully satisfied with those symptoms of shame and repentance, which you now evince.
TRUEMAN.
Upon my education, I did not think him susceptible of either.
--A few minutes ago, I received this audacious epistle from him.
"Sir, I have the honour to--acquaint you--that I have an inclination--to marry your daughter,--notwithstanding--the late scandalous--reports that are transpiring to her disadvantage, and (what is still worse) the--comparative meanness--of her fortune to mine."--The comparative meanness of her fortune to mine.
HARRIET, }
MARIA, }
LOVEYET, } Ha, ha, ha.
CHARLES, }
FRANKTON,}
WORTHNOUGHT.
Never was put so much to my trumps, 'foregad.
[Exit.]
HERALD.
Unmannerly wretches!
[Scornfully, and exit.]
CANTWELL.
Oh, the wickedness of this wicked world!
[Exit after her.
LOVEYET.
Why, this is just as it should be now;
--I think business goes on finely.
MARIA.
You will not think so, much longer.
[Aside.]
LOVEYET.
By my body, I am as merry as a cricket;--an't you, Maria?
For my part, I feel so well pleased, I could find in my heart to
--to do as you have done;
--[To CHARLES.]
cou'dn't you, my love?
[To MARIA.]
MARIA.
Yes, sir.
LOVEYET.
Oh, you dear little rogue! With whom, eigh, with whom?
--Don't be bashful,--tell them.--I know she means me.
[Aside.]
MARIA.
I beg to be excused from telling that, sir;
but I will tell you who it is I would not have.
LOVEYET.
Aye, that's him.
--[Aside, looking at FRANKTON.]
--Well, who is it you won't have, Maria, who is it?
MARIA. You, sir.
[Emphatically.]
LOVEYET.
Me, eigh?--me--me, Maria?
CHARLES.
Preposterous infatuation!
LOVEYET.
D----'d, wanton, treacherous jilt!
[Walks about discomposed.]
MARIA.
You have jilted yourself, sir;--nothing but excess of dotage
and self-conceit could have let you impose on yourself in such a manner.
FRANKTON.
And may I then hope--
MARIA.
Hope?--Oh, yes, sir;--you have my permission to hope for anything you please.
CHARLES.
And you, madam, the disposition to gratify his hopes, I fancy.
LOVEYET.
I fancy you lie, sir; and you sha'n't have Harriet, for your impertinence.
CHARLES.
Excuse me, father;--it is not in your power to prevent that;--the happy deed is already executed.
LOVEYET.
'Zounds! that's true!--and, what is still worse, the other deed is executed too.--Fire and fury! All is lost, for the sake of that inveigling, perfidious young Syren. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
TRUEMAN.
[Burlesquing what LOVEYET has said in a former scene.]
"'Sdeath, sir! I tell you I am but two and forty years old: she sha'n't be more than thirty odd, sir; and she shall be ten years younger than I am too.--A man of five and forty, old, forsooth!" Ha, ha, ha.
LOVEYET.
Perdition! Is this what I have come to at last?
--Despis'd,-- betray'd,--laugh'd at,--supplanted by a puppy,
--[Pointing to FRANKTON]
-- trick'd out of my money by a graceless, aristocratic son,
--I--I'll--I'll go hang myself.
[Exit in a passion.]
HUMPHRY.
This is, for all the world, like the show I
see t'other night, at the Play-house.
CHARLES.
His agitation of mind distresses me: my happiness is not complete, while it is enjoyed at the expense of a father's:--painful reflection!--We will go immediately, Harriet, and endeavour to pacify him.
His conduct shall instruct the hoary Sage,
That youth and beauty were not meant for age;
His rage, resentment, av'rice, dotage, pride,
(Sad view of human nature's frailest side!)
Shall mend us all;--but chiefly I shall prove,
That all his Politics, can never match my LOVE.
[THE END]
Samuel Low's play: Politician Out-Witted
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