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_ ACT IV - SCENE I
SCENE I. TRUEMAN'S House.
TRUEMAN
[solus].
I sincerely lament this unfortunate dispute.--I know Harriet loves that young fellow, though he has been so long absent; and, therefore, I regret it; for, to what end do I live but to see her happy!--But I will not give way to his father;--perhaps he may think better of the matter, for I know him to be of a placable nature, though passionate;--and yet he seems to be inflexible in his resolution.
[Enter HUMPHRY.]
HUMPHRY.
Sarvint, Mr. Schoolmaster;--here's a challenge for you.
[Gives TRUEMAN the barber's note.]
TRUEMAN.
A challenge! Surely the old blockhead
would not make himself so ridiculous.
HUMPHRY.
Yes, it's for that;
--I remember he said you call'd him a blockhead.
TRUEMAN.
You may go and tell him I advise him to relinquish his knight-errant project, or I will expose his absurdity by taking the advantage which the law offers in such cases.
HUMPHRY.
That is, you'll take the law of him, if he goes for to fight you.
TRUEMAN.
Fight me!--Oh, grovelling idea! Wit-forsaken progeny of a more than soporific pericranium! Fight me!--Hear and be astonished, O Cicero, Demosthenes, Socrates, Plato, Seneca, Aristotle,--
HUMPHRY.
Oh, for shame!--Do you read Haristotle?
TRUEMAN.
Be it known to thee, thou monstrous mass of ignorance, if such an uninformed clod, dull and heavy as that element to which it must trace its origin, can comprehend these very obvious and palpable truths, expressed in the most plain, simple, easy, unscholastic diction.--I repeat again, that you may apprehend me with the greater perspicuity and facility,--be it known to thee, that those immaculate sages would have died rather than have used such an expression; by the dignity of my profession, they would:--'tis true that the ancients had such things as single combats among the Olympic games, and they were always performed by the populace; but such a fight, alias a tilt, a tournament, a wrestle, could not, according to the rule of right, and the eternal fitness and aptitude of things, be properly denominated a bona fide fight; for, as I before observed, it was ipso facto, a game, an Olympic game.--Olympic, from Olympus.
HUMPHRY.
Pray now, Mr. Schoolmaster, if a body mought be so bold, what do you think of the last war? Does your Schoolmastership think how that was a fona bide fight?
TRUEMAN.
You are immensely illiterate; but I will reply to your interrogatory.--My opinion of the late war, is as follows, to wit.--Imprimis. The Americans were wise, brave and virtuous to struggle for that liberty, independence and happiness, which the new government will now render secure. Item. The Americans were prodigious fortunate to obtain the said liberty, independence and happiness. A war, encounter, combat, or, if you please, fight like this, is great and glorious; it will immortalize the name of the renowned WASHINGTON,--more than that of Cincinnatus, Achilles, AEneas, Alexander the Great, Scipio, Gustavus Vasa, Mark Anthony, Kouli Khan, Caesar or Pompey.
HUMPHRY.
Caesar and Pompey! Why them is nigers' names.
TRUEMAN.
O tempora! O mores!
HUMPHRY.
He talks Greek like a Trojan.--Tempora mores;--I suppose how that's as much as to say, it was the temper of the Moors, that's the nigers, for to be call'd Caesar and Pompey.--I guess how he can give me the exclamation of that plaguy word.--Con--let me see
[Spells it in the manner he did before.]
--Please your worshipful reverence, Mr. Schoolmaster,
what's Latin for Constitution?
TRUEMAN.
To tell you what is Latin for Constitution, will not make you a particle the wiser; I will, therefore, explain it in the vernacular tongue.--Constitution then, in its primary, abstract, and true signification, is a concatenation or coacervation of simple, distinct parts, of various qualities or properties, united, compounded, or constituted in such a manner, as to form or compose a system or body, when viewed in its aggregate or general nature. In its common, or generally received, acceptation, it implies two things.--First, the nature, habit, disposition, organization or construction of the natural, corporeal, or animal system.--Secondly, a political system, or plan of government. This last definition, I apprehend, explains the Constitution you mean.
HUMPHRY.
Like enough, but I don't understand a single
word you've been a talking about.
TRUEMAN.
No! 'Tis not my fault then:--If plainness of language,
clearness of description, and a grammatical arrangement
of words will not suffice, I can do no more.
[Enter OLD LOVEYET listening.]
HUMPHRY.
I mean the Constitution that you read in the newspapers about;
that that your worship was a going to get at loggerheads
with old Mr. What's-his-name, about.
LOVEYET.
I'll old you, you rascal!
TRUEMAN.
Did you never hear your friends in the country talk of the new Constitution?
HUMPHRY.
Not I, I never heard anybody talk about it, at the Pharisee's Head;--I don't believe Jeremy Stave, the clark of the meeting-house, no, nor Parson Thumpum himself ever heard of such a word--No, not even old Mr. Scourge, the Schoolmaster.
TRUEMAN.
A hopeful genius, for a Schoolmaster, upon my education.
Do you send him to me,--I'll qualify him for that important station.
HUMPHRY.
And I'll be qualify'd I never larnt such a word when I went to his school.
TRUEMAN.
Nor any other one, I believe, properly speaking.
HUMPHRY.
Oh yes, I'll say that for him;--he us'd to take a
great deal of pains for to larn us proper speaking.
TRUEMAN.
The Constitution you hear so much noise about, is a new government, which some great and good men have lately contrived, and now recommend for the welfare and happiness of the American nation.
LOVEYET.
Oh, the traitor!
HUMPHRY.
But didn't old Mr. What's-his-name say, how they wanted for to make slaves of us?
LOVEYET.
There's old Mr. What's-his-name, again.
TRUEMAN.
Mr. Loveyet is a weak man;--you must not mind what he says.
LOVEYET.
Oh, I shall burst!
TRUEMAN.
Only think now of his sending me a challenge,
because I told him he was sixty odd years of--
LOVEYET.
[Running towards them.]
Death and the devil! Have I sent you a challenge?
HUMPHRY.
No, not you, old gentleman.
LOVEYET.
I'll give you old gentleman.--Take that, for calling me old again. [Offers to strike him; but missing his blow, he falls down.] Oh, what an unlucky dog I am! My evil genius is certainly let loose today.
TRUEMAN.
Let us coolly enquire into this enigmatical affair, Mr. Loveyet.
[Breaks open the note, and reads.]
What is all this?--Booby--blockhead--satisfaction
--challenge--courage--honour--gentleman--honour'd
per Monsieur Cubb.
HUMPHRY.
Aye, that's I.
TRUEMAN.
And pray, Mr. Cubb, who gave you this pretty epistle?
HUMPHRY.
Why, mounsieur, the barber.
TRUEMAN.
By the dignity of my profession, it must be so:--Now there's a solution to the enigma.--Mr. Loveyet, you will excuse my mistaking this business so much;--the paltry Frisieur never enter'd my head;--you recollect I gave him a little flagellation this morning.
LOVEYET.
Yes, and I recollect the occasion too;--this confounded upstart Constitution (that cause of all my crosses and troubles) is at the bottom of every mischief.
TRUEMAN.
Yes, your wou'd-be Constitution, has indeed done a deal of mischief.
LOVEYET.
I deny it;--it is perfectly inoffensive and mild.
TRUEMAN.
Mild, indeed:--happy would it be for America, if her government was more coercive and energetic!--I suppose you have heard that Massachusetts has ratified this upstart Constitution;--this is the sixth grand column in the federal edifice; we only want three more to make up the lucky nine; and then the nine Muses will make our western world their permanent abode; and he who is at once their Favourite and Patron, will preside over the whole: then we shall see another Golden Age; arts will then flourish, and literature be properly encouraged. That's the grand desideratum of my wishes.
LOVEYET.
A fig for your Latin and your literature!
--That's the way your unconstitutional
Constitutionalists take the advantage of
our weak side, and--
TRUEMAN.
And the said weak side being easily discovered,
as you have but one side,--go on, sir.
LOVEYET.
And cram their unconstitutional bolus down our throats,
with Latin;--you and your vile junto of perfidious
politicians want to Latin us out of our liberties.
HUMPHRY.
Well, why don't they take the law of the pollikitchens then, eigh?
TRUEMAN.
Mr. Loveyet, I never knew a man of your age and wisdom--
LOVEYET.
Age, sir!--Wisdom!--Yes, wisdom, sir.--Age again, eigh? Ugh, ugh.
TRUEMAN.
Was there ever such preposterous behaviour!
--You are getting as crazy as your favorite Constitution.
LOVEYET.
You are crazier than either, you old blockhead, or you would not make such a crazy speech: I say my constitution is a thousand per cent. better than yours. Ugh, ugh, ugh.
TRUEMAN.
A pretty figure for a good constitution! What a striking instance of health, youth, and beauty! How emblematically grotesque! The very image of deformity and infirmity! A perfect mirror for Milton's description of Sin and Death.
Not Yorick's skull, nor Hamlet's ghost,
Nor all the tragic, stage-made host;
With saucer eyes, and looks aghast,
Would make me run away so fast:
Not all who Milton's head inspire,--
"Gorgons and Hydras and Chimaeras dire!"
Nor haggard Death, nor snake-torn Sin,
Look half so ugly, old and thin;
No--all his hell-born, monstrous crew,
Are not so dire a sight as you!
[While TRUEMAN is saying this, LOVEYET appears to be in a violent rage, and makes several attempts to interrupt the former, who shuns LOVEYET, as if afraid.]
LOVEYET.
Fire and murder!--Must I bear to be held up for such a monster? Perdition!--What shall I do? What shall I say?--Oh! oh! oh!--Oh! liberty! Oh, my country! Look how he ridicules me!--Did ever any poor man suffer so much for the good of his country!--But I won't give up the glorious cause yet;--sir,--Mr. Trueman--I insist upon it, the new Constitution, sir,--I say, that the old--the new--that--that--'Zounds and fury!--
[Running towards him, and making an attempt to strike him.]
TRUEMAN.
My dear Mr. Loveyet, compose yourself a little;--for heaven's sake, sir, consider;--your animal Constitution is not able to withstand the formidable opposition of my political one;--the shock is too great;--let me persuade you, sir; and as soon as nine States accede to the adoption of the new Constitution, we will investigate the merits of the old. Ha, ha, ha.
[This speech and the preceding one, are to be spoken at the same time; during which, TRUEMAN and LOVEYET run about the stage, and HUMPHRY retreats from them as they approach him.]
Enter HARRIET alarmed.
HARRIET.
Oh, Papa,--my dear Papa, what's the matter!
LOVEYET.
And, sir, as sure as--as--eight times nine is sixty-three, your new government is not bottom, not sound; and--
TRUEMAN.
And as sure as you are sixty-three, your head is not sound.
LOVEYET.
Here is your incomparable daughter;
--I came here to acquaint you of her scandalous conduct;
but now she can save me that trouble.
TRUEMAN.
How, sir! My daughter's scandalous conduct?
LOVEYET.
I was going to tell you. I caught her with a strange gallant,--a "very particular friend;" whose "love,--friendship, I would say," was so sincere, that she was kind enough to grant him a little "friendly freedom," in my presence.
TRUEMAN.
Heaven protect me! There certainly must be something in this.
[Aside.]
LOVEYET.
And that I have received a letter from my son.
HUMPHRY.
Aye, now he's his son again.
[Aside.]
LOVEYET.
And that he will be here soon, and that when he comes,
I am going to marry him to Miss Maria Airy.
HUMPHRY.
I must go tell Mr. Lovit of that, at once.
[Aside, and exit.]
LOVEYET.
And--but it is no matter now:--I suppose she will
tell you a fine story of a cock and a bull.
HARRIET.
I shall not be base enough to deceive a father, I give you my honour, sir.
LOVEYET.
I am very much mistaken if you have not given that
to somebody already:--A woman's honour is a very perishable
commodity; a little thing often spoils it.
HARRIET.
By what a feeble tenure does poor woman hold her character and peace of mind!--It is true, sir, that a woman's reputation is too frequently, with ruffian cruelty, blasted in the bud, without a cause; and that so effectually, that it seldom or never flourishes again; but let me remind you, sir, in the words of the poet, that--
"Honour's a sacred tie, the law of kings;--
It ought not to be sported with."
LOVEYET.
I say it ought to be sported with; and, by my body,
'tis capital sport, too;--eigh, Horace?
--[Sings.]--"Then hoity toity, whisky frisky, &c."
TRUEMAN.
A truce to your insipid, hard-labour'd wit: the honour you are pleased to call in question, is not an empty name which can be purchased with gold; it is too inestimable to be counterpoised by that imaginary good; otherwise the titles of Honourable and Excellent would be always significant of his Honour's or his Excellency's intrinsic worth;--a thing "devoutly to be wish'd," but unfortunately too seldom exemplified; for, as the dramatic muse elegantly says of money,--"Who steals my purse, steals trash."
LOVEYET.
I deny it;--the dramatic muse, as you call him, was a fool:--trash indeed! Ha, ha, ha. Money trash! Ready Rhino trash! Golden, glittering, jingling money!--I'm sure he cou'dn't mean the hard stuff.
TRUEMAN.
Very sublime conceptions, upon my erudition; and expressed by some truly elegant epithets; but your ideas, like your conscience, are of the fashionable, elastic kind;--self-interest can stretch them like Indian-rubber.
LOVEYET.
What a stupid old gudgeon!--Well, you'll believe what I tell you, sooner or later, Mr. Schoolmaster; so your servant:--as for you, Miss Hypocrite, I wish your Honour farewell, and I guess you may do the same.
[Exit.]
TRUEMAN.
These insinuations, Harriet, have put my anxiety to the rack.
HARRIET.
I am happy I can so soon relieve you from it, sir. Young Mr. Loveyet arrived this morning; but, it seems, the old gentleman has entirely forgot him, during his long absence; and when he heard his father's resolution, in consequence of the dispute he had with you, he did not think proper to make himself known. It was this which made him think me so culpable, that you hear he talks of marrying him to my friend Maria.
TRUEMAN.
I see into the mistake; but the worst construction the affair will admit, does not justify his using you so indecently; and, if it were not for the more powerful consideration of a daughter's happiness, I would make him repent it.
HARRIET.
I have ever found my honoured, my only parent both wise in concerting plans for that daughter's happiness, and good in executing them to the utmost of his ability; and, I dare say, he does not think her alliance with Mr. Loveyet's son will prove unfavourable to her happiness.
TRUEMAN.
Far from it, my child:--Your unusual good sense makes a common-place lecture unnecessary, Harriet; but beware of flattery and dissimulation; for the manners of the present age are so dissolute, that the young fellows of these degenerate days think they cannot be fine gentlemen without being rakes, and--in short, rascals; for they make a merit even of debauching innocence:--indeed, that is scarcely to be wondered at, when so many of those who are called ladies of taste and fashion, strange as it may seem, like them the better for it;--but I hope, you and Mr. Loveyet are exceptions to such depravity.
HARRIET.
I think I can venture to assure you, we are, sir;--and now, if my father has nothing more to impart, I will take my leave of him; and be assured, sir, your advice shall be treasured here, as a sacred pledge of paternal love.--Adieu, Papa.
TRUEMAN.
Farewell, Harriet;--Heaven prosper your designs.
[Exeunt severally.] _
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