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The Foolish Dictionary, a non-fiction book by Gideon Wurdz |
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_ Distilled waters run deep. =ABSINTHE= From two Latin words, ad, and sinistrum, meaning "to the bad." If in doubt, try one. (Old adage, "Absinthe makes the jag last longer)." * * * * * =ABSTINENCE= From the Persian ab, water, and stein, or tankard. Hence, water-tankard, or "water wagon." * * * * * =ACCESSION= A beheading process by which you may either win or lose a political job. Old spelling, Axe-session. * * * * * =ACCIDENT= A condition of affairs in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body better. * * * * * =ADAMANT= From "Adam's Aunt," reputed to be a hard character. Hence, anything tough, or hard. * * * * * =ADORE= From add, annex, and ore, meaning wealth. Example, foreign nobles who marry American heiresses adore them. * * * * * =ADVICE= A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous as the one thing which it is "More blessed to give than receive." =GOOD ADVICE= Something old men give young men when they can no longer give them a bad example. * * * * * =ADVERSITY= A bottomless lake, surrounded by near-sighted friends. * * * * * =AFFINITY= Complimentary term for your husband or your wife. Sometimes a synonym for "Your finish." * * * * * =AFTERTHOUGHT= A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it. * * * * * =AGE= Something to brag about in your wine-cellar and forget in a birth-day book The boast of an old vintage, the bug a boo of an old maid. * * * * * =ALCOHOL= A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets. * * * * * =ALDERMAN= A political office known as the Crook's Road to Wealth. From Eng. all, and Greek derma, meaning skin--"all skin." * * * * * =ALIMONY= An expensive soothing syrup, prescribed by the judge for a divorcee's bleeding heart. (Old spelling, allay money). * * * * * =ALLOPATHY= From Eng. all, everybody, and Grk. pathos, pain. Pain for everybody. =HOMOEOPATHY= From Grk. homoios, same, and pathos. Pain, just the same. * * * * * =ALPHABET= A toy for the children found in books, blocks, pictures and vermicelli soup. Contains 26 letters and only three syllables. * * * * * =ANCESTORS= The originators of the Family Tree, a remarkable sex paradox in which the Ann sisters are always the four fathers. * * * * * =ANGEL= A heavenly ineligible, with wings and a harp; or, an earthly eligible, with money and a heart. * * * * * =ANTI-ROOMS= Euphemistic term for Canfield's, New York City. * * * * * =ANTI-IMPERIALIST= A patriot whose conscience works overtime. * * * * * =ANTIMONY= A metallic substance discovered by Valentine in 1450, and now extensively used in the arts--particularly poker. * * * * * =APPENDICITIS= A modern pain, costing about $200 more than the old-fashioned stomach-ache. * * * * * =ARGUMENT= Breaking and entering the ear, assault and battery on the brain and disturbing the peace. * * * * * =ARSON= Derived from the Hebrew. (See =INSURANCE=). * * * * * =ARTIST= Commonly, the individual long haired and short-suited, having a positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on meal-tickets but strong on technique and the price of tripe sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a boot-black, a Sargent or a Paderewski. * * * * * =ATHLETE= A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift the ashes. * * * * * =AUGUR= One who bored the ancients with prophecies. * * * * * =AUTOMOBILE= From Eng. ought to, and Lat. moveo, to move. A vehicle which ought to move, but frequently can't. * * * * * =AUTOMOBILIST= A land lubber on wheels made up to resemble a deep sea diver. Fine feathers make fine feather-beds. _ |
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