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_ ACT V - SCENE I
[DIMPLE'S Lodgings.]
[JESSAMY meeting JONATHAN.]
JESSAMY.
WELL, Mr. Jonathan, what success with the fair?
JONATHAN.
Why, such a tarnal cross tike you never saw! You would have counted
she had lived upon crab-apples and vinegar for a fortnight. But what
the rattle makes you look so tarnation glum?
JESSAMY.
I was thinking, Mr. Jonathan, what could be the reason of her carrying
herself so coolly to you.
JONATHAN.
Coolly, do you call it? Why, I vow, she was fire-hot angry: may be it
was because I buss'd her.
JESSAMY.
No, no, Mr. Jonathan; there must be some other cause; I never yet knew
a lady angry at being kissed.
JONATHAN.
Well, if it is not the young woman's bashfulness, I vow I can't
conceive why she shouldn't like me.
JESSAMY.
May be it is because you have not the Graces, Mr. Jonathan.
JONATHAN.
Grace! Why, does the young woman expect I must be converted before I
court her?
JESSAMY.
I mean graces of person: for instance, my lord tells us that we must
cut off our nails even at top, in small segments of circles--though you
won't understand that; in the next place, you must regulate your laugh.
JONATHAN.
Maple-log seize it! don't I laugh natural?
JESSAMY.
That's the very fault, Mr. Jonathan. Besides, you absolutely misplace
it. I was told by a friend of mine that you laughed outright at the
play the other night, when you ought only to have tittered.
JONATHAN.
Gor! I--what does one go to see fun for if they can't laugh?
JESSAMY.
You may laugh; but you must laugh by rule.
JONATHAN.
Swamp it--laugh by rule! Well, I should like that tarnally.
JESSAMY.
Why, you know, Mr. Jonathan, that to dance, a lady to play with her
fan, or a gentleman with his cane, and all other natural motions, are
regulated by art. My master has composed an immensely pretty gamut, by
which any lady or gentleman, with a few years' close application, may
learn to laugh as gracefully as if they were born and bred to it.
JONATHAN.
Mercy on my soul! A gamut for laughing--just like fa, la, sol?
JESSAMY.
Yes. It comprises every possible display of jocularity, from an
affettuoso smile to a piano titter, or full chorus fortissimo ha, ha,
ha! My master employs his leisure hours in marking out the plays, like
a cathedral chanting-book, that the ignorant may know where to laugh;
and that pit, box, and gallery may keep time together, and not have a
snigger in one part of the house, a broad grin in the other, and a
d---d grum look in the third. How delightful to see the audience all
smile together, then look on their books, then twist their mouths into
an agreeable simper, then altogether shake the house with a general ha,
ha, ha! loud as a full chorus of Handel's at an Abbey commemoration.
JONATHAN.
Ha, ha, ha! that's dang'd cute, I swear.
JESSAMY.
The gentlemen, you see, will laugh the tenor; the ladies will play the
counter-tenor; the beaux will squeak the treble; and our jolly friends
in the gallery a thorough base, ho, ho, ho!
JONATHAN.
Well, can't you let me see that gamut?
JESSAMY.
Oh! yes, Mr. Jonathan; here it is. [Takes out a book.] Oh! no, this
is only a titter with its variations. Ah, here it is. [Takes out
another.] Now, you must know, Mr. Jonathan, this is a piece written by
Ben Johnson, which I have set to my master's gamut. The places where
you must smile, look grave, or laugh outright, are marked below the
line. Now look over me. "There was a certain man"--now you must smile.
JONATHAN.
Well, read it again; I warrant I'll mind my eye.
JESSAMY.
"There was a certain man, who had a sad scolding wife,"--now you must
laugh.
JONATHAN.
Tarnation! That's no laughing matter though.
JESSAMY.
"And she lay sick a-dying";--now you must titter.
JONATHAN.
What, snigger when the good woman's a-dying! Gor, I--
JESSAMY.
Yes, the notes say you must--"and she asked her husband leave to make a
will,"--now you must begin to look grave;--"and her husband said"--
JONATHAN.
Ay, what did her husband say? Something dang'd cute, I reckon.
JESSAMY.
"And her husband said, you have had your will all your life-time, and
would you have it after you are dead, too?"
JONATHAN.
Ho, ho, ho! There the old man was even with her; he was up to the
notch--ha, ha, ha!
JESSAMY.
But, Mr. Jonathan, you must not laugh so. Why you ought to have
tittered piano, and you have laughed fortissimo. Look here; you see
these marks, A, B, C, and so on; these are the references to the other
part of the book. Let us turn to it, and you will see the directions
how to manage the muscles. This [turns over] was note D you blundered
at.--You must purse the mouth into a smile, then titter, discovering
the lower part of the three front upper teeth.
JONATHAN.
How? read it again.
JESSAMY.
"There was a certain man"--very well!--"who had a sad scolding
wife,"--why don't you laugh?
JONATHAN.
Now, that scolding wife sticks in my gizzard so pluckily that I can't
laugh for the blood and nowns of me. Let me look grave here, and I'll
laugh your belly full, where the old creature's a-dying.
JESSAMY.
"And she asked her husband"--[Bell rings.] My master's bell! he's
returned, I fear.--Here, Mr. Jonathan, take this gamut; and I make no
doubt but with a few years' close application, you may be able to smile
gracefully."
[Exeunt severally.] _
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