________________________________________________
_ ACT II
(THE NEXT MORNING.)
SCENE.--Entrance Hall of the Grand Ducal Palace.
Enter a procession of the members of the theatrical company
(now dressed in the costumes of Troilus and Cressida),
carrying garlands, playing on pipes, citharae, and
cymbals, and heralding the return of LUDWIG and JULIA
from the marriage ceremony, which has just taken place.
CHORUS.
As before you we defile,
Eloia! Eloia!
Pray you, gentles, do not smile
If we shout, in classic style,
Eloia!
Ludwig and his Julia true
Wedded are each other to--
So we sing, till all is blue,
Eloia! Eloia!
Opoponax! Eloia!
Wreaths of bay and ivy twine,
Eloia! Eloia!
Fill the bowl with Lesbian wine,
And to revelry incline--
Eloia!
For as gaily we pass on
Probably we shall, anon,
Sing a Diergeticon--
Eloia! Eloia!
Opoponax! Eloia!
RECIT.--LUDWIG.
Your loyalty our Ducal heartstrings touches:
Allow me to present your new Grand Duchess.
Should she offend, you'll graciously excuse her--
And kindly recollect I didn't choose her!
SONG--LUDWIG.
At the outset I may mention it's my sovereign intention
To revive the classic memories of Athens at its best,
For the company possesses all the necessary dresses
And a course of quiet cramming will supply us with the
rest.
We've a choir hyporchematic
(that is, ballet-operatic)
Who respond to the choreut of that cultivated age,
And our clever chorus-master, all but captious criticaster
Would accept as the choregus of the early Attic stage.
This return to classic ages is considered in their wages,
Which are always calculated by the day or by the week--
And I'll pay 'em (if they'll back me) all in oboloi and drachm,
Which they'll get
(if they prefer it)
at the Kalends that are Greek!
(Confidentially to audience.)
At this juncture I may mention
That this erudition sham
Is but classical pretension,
The result of steady "cram.":
Periphrastic methods spurning,
To this audience discerning
I admit this show of learning
Is the fruit of steady "cram."!
CHORUS.
Periphrastic methods, etc.
In the period Socratic every dining-room was Attic
(Which suggests an architecture of a topsy-turvy kind),
There they'd satisfy their thirst on a recherche cold
{Greek word}
Which is what they called their lunch--and so may you
if you're inclined.
As they gradually got on, they'd
{four Greek words)
(Which is Attic for a steady and a conscientious drink).
But they mixed their wine with water--which I'm sure they didn't oughter--
And we modern Saxons know a trick worth two of that, I think!
Then came rather risky dances
(under certain circumstances)
Which would shock that worthy gentleman, the Licenser of Plays,
Corybantian maniac kick--Dionysiac or Bacchic--
And the Dithyrambic revels of those undecorous days.
(Confidentially to audience.)
And perhaps I'd better mention,
Lest alarming you I am,
That it isn't our intention
To perform a Dithyramb--
It displays a lot of stocking,
Which is always very shocking,
And of course I'm only mocking
At the prevalence of "cram"!
CHORUS.
It displays a lot, etc.
Yes, on reconsideration, there are customs of that nation
Which are not in strict accordance with the habits of our day,
And when I come to codify, their rules I mean to modify,
Or Mrs. Grundy, p'r'aps, may have a word or two to say.
For they hadn't macintoshes or umbrellas or goloshes--
And a shower with their dresses must have played the very deuce,
And it must have been unpleasing when they caught a fit of sneezing,
For, it seems, of pocket-handkerchiefs they didn't know the use.
They wore little underclothing--scarcely anything--or nothing--
And their dress of Coan silk was quite transparent in design--
Well, in fact, in summer weather, something like the "altogether"
And it's there, I rather fancy, I shall have to draw the
line!
(Confidentially to audience.)
And again I wish to mention
That this erudition sham
Is but classical pretension,
The result of steady "cram."
Yet my classic lore aggressive
(If you'll pardon the possessive)
Is exceedingly impressive
When you're passing an exam.
CHORUS.
Yet his classic lore, etc.
[Exeunt Chorus. Manent LUDWIG, JULIA, and LISA.]
LUD.
(recit.).
Yes, Ludwig and his Julia are mated!
For when an obscure comedian, whom the law backs,
To sovereign rank is promptly elevated,
He takes it with its incidental drawbacks!
So Julia and I are duly mated!
(LISA, through this, has expressed intense
distress at having to surrender LUDWIG.)
SONG--LISA.
Take care of him--he's much too good to live,
With him you must be very gentle:
Poor fellow, he's so highly sensitive,
And O, so sentimental!
Be sure you never let him sit up late
In chilly open air conversing--
Poor darling, he's extremely delicate,
And wants a deal of nursing!
LUD.
I want a deal of nursing!
LISA.
And O, remember this--
When he is cross with pain,
A flower and a kiss--
A simple flower--a tender kiss
Will bring him round again!
His moods you must assiduously watch:
When he succumbs to sorrow tragic,
Some hardbake or a bit of butter-scotch
Will work on him like magic.
To contradict a character so rich
In trusting love were simple blindness--
He's one of those exalted natures which
Will only yield to kindness!
LUD.
I only yield to kindness!
LISA.
And O, the bygone bliss!
And O, the present pain!
That flower and that kiss--
That simple flower--that tender kiss
I ne'er shall give again!
[Exit, weeping.]
JULIA.
And now that everybody has gone, and we're happily
and comfortably married, I want to have a few words
with my new-born husband.
LUD.
(aside).
Yes, I expect you'll often have a few words
with your new-born husband!
(Aloud.)
Well, what is it?
JULIA.
Why, I've been thinking that as you and I have to
play our parts for life, it is most essential that we
should come to a definite understanding as to how
they shall be rendered. Now, I've been considering
how I can make the most of the Grand Duchess.
LUD.
Have you? Well, if you'll take my advice, you'll
make a very fine part of it.
JULIA.
Why, that's quite my idea.
LUD.
I shouldn't make it one of your hoity-toity vixenish viragoes.
JULIA.
You think not?
LUD.
Oh, I'm quite clear about that. I should make her a
tender, gentle, submissive, affectionate (but not too
affectionate) child-wife--timidly anxious to coil herself
into her husband's heart, but kept in check by an
awestruck reverence for his exalted intellectual
qualities and his majestic personal appearance.
JULIA.
Oh, that is your idea of a good part?
LUD.
Yes--a wife who regards her husband's slightest wish
as an inflexible law, and who ventures but rarely
into his august presence, unless
(which would happen seldom)
he should summon her to appear before him. A crushed,
despairing violet, whose blighted existence would
culminate
(all too soon)
in a lonely and pathetic death-scene! A fine part, my dear.
JULIA.
Yes. There's a good deal to be said for your view of it.
Now there are some actresses whom it would fit like a glove.
LUD.
(aside).
I wish I'd married one of 'em!
JULIA.
But, you see, I must consider my temperament. For
instance, my temperament would demand some strong
scenes of justifiable jealousy.
LUD.
Oh, there's no difficulty about that. You shall have them.
JULIA.
With a lovely but detested rival--
LUD.
Oh, I'll provide the rival.
JULIA.
Whom I should stab--stab--stab!
LUD.
Oh, I wouldn't stab her. It's been done to death. I
should treat her with a silent and contemptuous disdain, and
delicately withdraw from a position which, to one of your
sensitive nature, would be absolutely untenable.
Dear me, I can see you delicately withdrawing,
up centre and off!
JULIA.
Can you?
LUD.
Yes. It's a fine situation--and in your hands,
full of quiet pathos!
DUET--LUDWIG and JULIA.
LUD.
Now Julia, come,
Consider it from
This dainty point of view--
A timid tender
Feminine gender,
Prompt to coyly coo--
Yet silence seeking,
Seldom speaking
Till she's spoken to--
A comfy, cosy,
Rosy-posy
Innocent ingenoo!
The part you're suited to--
(To give the deuce her due)
A sweet
(O, jiminy!)
Miminy-piminy,
Innocent ingenoo!
ENSEMBLE. LUD. JULIA.
The part you're suited to-- I'm much obliged to you,
(To give the deuce her due) I don't think that would do--
A sweet (O, jiminy!) To play (O, jiminy!)
Miminy-piminy, Miminy-piminy,
Innocent ingenoo! Innocent ingenoo!
JULIA.
You forget my special magic
(In a high dramatic sense)
Lies in situations tragic--
Undeniably intense.
As I've justified promotion
In the histrionic art,
I'll submit to you my notion
Of a first-rate part.
LUD.
Well, let us see your notion
Of a first-rate part.
JULIA
(dramatically).
I have a rival! Frenzy-thrilled,
I find you both together!
My heart stands still--with horror chilled---
Hard as the millstone nether!
Then softly, slyly, snaily, snaky--
Crawly, creepy, quaily, quaky--
I track her on her homeward way,
As panther tracks her fated prey!
(Furiously.)
I fly at her soft white throat--
The lily-white laughing leman!
On her agonized gaze I gloat
With the glee of a dancing demon!
My rival she--I have no doubt of her---
So I hold on--till the breath is out of her!
--till the breath is out of her!
And then--Remorse! Remorse!
O cold unpleasant corse,
Avaunt! Avaunt!
That lifeless form
I gaze upon--
That face, still warm
But weirdly wan--
Those eyes of glass
I contemplate--
And then, alas!
Too late--too late!
I find she is--your Aunt!
(Shuddering.)
Remorse! Remorse!
Then, mad--mad--mad!
With fancies wild--chimerical--
Now sorrowful--silent--sad--
Now hullaballoo hysterical!
Ha! ha! ha! ha!
But whether I'm sad or whether I'm glad,
Mad! mad! mad! mad!
This calls for the resources of a high-class art,
And satisfies my notion of a first-rate part!
[Exit JULIA]
[Enter all the Chorus, hurriedly, and in great excitement.]
CHORUS.
Your Highness, there's a party at the door--
Your Highness, at the door there is a party--
She says that we expect her,
But we do not recollect her,
For we never saw her countenance before!
With rage and indignation she is rife,
Because our welcome wasn't very hearty--
She's as sulky as a super,
And she's swearing like a trooper,
O, you never heard such language in your life!
[Enter BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT, in a fury.]
BAR.
With fury indescribable I burn!
With rage I'm nearly ready to explode!
There'll be grief and tribulation when I learn
To whom this slight unbearable is owed!
For whatever may be due I'll pay it double--
There'll be terror indescribable and trouble!
With a hurly-burly and a hubble-bubble
I'll pay you for this pretty episode!
ALL.
Oh, whatever may be due she'll pay it double!--
It's very good of her to take the trouble--
But we don't know what she means by "hubble-bubble"--
No doubt it's an expression la mode.
BAR.
(to LUDWIG).
Do you know who I am?
LUD.
(examining her).
I don't;
Your countenance I can't fix, my dear.
BAR.
This proves I'm not a sham.
(Showing pocket-handkerchief.)
LUD.
(examining it).
It won't;
It only says "Krakenfeldt, Six," my dear.
BAR.
Express your grief profound!
LUD.
I shan't!
This tone I never allow, my love.
BAR.
Rudolph at once produce!
LUD.
I can't;
He isn't at home just now, my love.
BAR.
(astonished).
He isn't at home just now!
ALL.
He isn't at home just now,
(Dancing derisively.)
He has an appointment particular, very-
You'll find him, I think, in the town cemetery;
And that's how we come to be making so merry,
For he isn't at home just now!
BAR.
But bless my heart and soul alive, it's impudence
personified!
I've come here to be matrimonially matrimonified!
LUD.
For any disappointment I am sorry unaffectedly,
But yesterday that nobleman expired quite unexpectedly--
ALL
(sobbing).
Tol the riddle lol!
Tol the riddle lol!
Tol the riddle, lol the riddle, lol lol lay!
(Then laughing wildly.)
Tol the riddle, lol the riddle, lol
lol
lay!
BAR.
But this is most unexpected. He was well
enough at a quarter to twelve yesterday.
LUD.
Yes. He died at half-past eleven.
BAR.
Bless me, how very sudden!
LUD.
It was sudden.
BAR.
But what in the world am I to do?
I was to have been married to him to-day!
ALL
(singing and dancing).
For any disappointment we are sorry unaffectedly,
But yesterday that nobleman expired quite unexpectedly--
Tol the riddle lol!
BAR.
Is this Court Mourning or a Fancy Ball?
LUD.
Well, it's a delicate combination of both effects.
It is intended to express inconsolable grief for the
decease of the late Duke and ebullient joy at the
accession of his successor. I am his successor.
Permit me to present you to my Grand Duchess.
(Indicating JULIA.)
BAR.
Your Grand Duchess? Oh, your Highness!
(Curtseying profoundly.)
JULIA
(sneering at her).
Old frump!
BAR.
Humph! A recent creation, probably?
LUD.
We were married only half an hour ago.
BAR.
Exactly. I thought she seemed new to the position.
JULIA.
Ma'am, I don't know who you are, but I flatter
myself I can do justice to any part on the very
shortest notice.
BAR.
My dear, under the circumstances you are doing
admirably--and you'll improve with practice.
It's so difficult to be a lady when one isn't born to it.
JULIA
(in a rage, to LUDWIG).
Am I to stand this? Am I not
to be allowed to pull her to pieces?
LUD.
(aside to JULIA).
No, no--it isn't Greek. Be a
violet, I beg.
BAR.
And now tell me all about this distressing
circumstance. How did the Grand Duke die?
LUD.
He perished nobly--in a Statutory Duel.
BAR.
In a Statutory Duel? But that's only a civil
death!--and the Act expires to-night, and then
he will come to life again!
LUD.
Well, no. Anxious to inaugurate my reign by
conferring some inestimable boon on my people,
I signalized this occasion by reviving the law
for another hundred years.
BAR.
For another hundred years? Then set the merry
joybells ringing! Let festive epithalamia resound
through these ancient halls! Cut the satisfying
sandwich--broach the exhilarating Marsala--and
let us rejoice to-day, if we never rejoice again!
LUD.
But I don't think I quite understand. We have
already rejoiced a good deal.
BAR.
Happy man, you little reck of the extent of the good
things you are in for. When you killed Rudolph you
adopted all his overwhelming responsibilities.
Know then that I, Caroline von Krakenfeldt, am the
most overwhelming of them all!
LUD.
But stop, stop--I've just been married to somebody else!
JULIA.
Yes, ma'am, to somebody else, ma'am! Do you
understand, ma'am? To somebody else!
BAR.
Do keep this young woman quiet; she fidgets me!
JULIA.
Fidgets you!
LUD.
(aside to JULIA).
Be a violet--a crushed, despairing
violet.
JULIA.
Do you suppose I intend to give up a magnificent
part without a struggle?
LUD.
My good girl, she has the law on her side. Let us
both bear this calamity with resignation. If you must
struggle, go away and struggle in the seclusion
of your chamber.
SONG--BARONESS and CHORUS.
Now away to the wedding we go,
So summon the charioteers--
No kind of reluctance they show
To embark on their married careers.
Though Julia's emotion may flow
For the rest of her maidenly years,
ALL.
To the wedding we eagerly go,
So summon the charioteers!
Now away, etc.
(All dance off to wedding except JULIA.)
RECIT.--JULIA.
So ends my dream--so fades my vision fair!
Of hope no gleam--distraction and despair!
My cherished dream, the Ducal throne to share
That aim supreme has vanished into air!
SONG--JULIA.
Broken every promise plighted--
All is darksome--all is dreary.
Every new-born hope is blighted!
Sad and sorry--weak and weary
Death the Friend or Death the Foe,
Shall I call upon thee? No!
I will go on living, though
Sad and sorry--weak and weary!
No, no! Let the bygone go by!
No good ever came of repining:
If to-day there are clouds o'er the sky,
To-morrow the sun may be shining!
To-morrow, be kind,
To-morrow, to me!
With loyalty blind
I curtsey to thee!
To-day is a day of illusion and sorrow,
So viva To-morrow, To-morrow, To-morrow!
God save you, To-morrow!
Your servant, To-morrow!
God save you, To-morrow, To-morrow, To-morrow!
[Exit JULIA. Enter ERNEST.]
ERN.
It's of no use--I can't wait any longer. At any risk
I must gratify my urgent desire to know what is going on.
(Looking off.) Why, what's that? Surely I see a wedding
procession winding down the hill, dressed in my Troilus and
Cressida costumes! That's Ludwig's doing! I see how it is--he
found the time hang heavy on his hands, and is amusing himself
by getting married to Lisa. No--it can't be to Lisa, for
here she is!
[Enter LISA.]
LISA
(not seeing him).
I really cannot stand seeing my
Ludwig married twice in one day to somebody else!
ERN.
Lisa!
(LISA sees him, and stands as if transfixed with horror.).
ERN.
Come here--don't be a little fool--I want you.
(LISA suddenly turns and bolts off.)
ERN.
Why, what's the matter with the little donkey? One
would think she saw a ghost! But if he's not marrying
Lisa, whom is he marrying?
(Suddenly.)
Julia!
(Much overcome.)
I see it
all! The scoundrel! He had to adopt all my responsibilities,
and he's shabbily taken advantage of the situation to marry the
girl I'm engaged to! But no, it can't be Julia, for here she is!
[Enter JULIA.]
JULIA
(not seeing him).
I've made up my mind. I won't
stand it! I'll send in my notice at once!
ERN.
Julia! Oh, what a relief!
(JULIA gazes at him as if transfixed.)
ERN.
Then you've not married Ludwig?
You are still true to me?
(JULIA turns and bolts in grotesque
horror. ERNEST follows and stops her.)
ERN.
Don't run away! Listen to me. Are you all crazy?
JULIA
(in affected terror).
What would you with me,
spectre? Oh, ain't his eyes sepulchral! And ain't
his voice hollow! What are you doing out of your
tomb at this time of day--apparition?
ERN.
I do wish I could make you girls understand that I'm
only technically dead, and that physically I'm as much
alive as ever I was in my life!
JULIA.
Oh, but it's an awful thing to be haunted by a
technical bogy!
ERN.
You won't be haunted much longer. The law must be on
its last legs, and in a few hours I shall come to life
again--resume all my social and civil functions, and
claim my darling as my blushing bride!
JULIA.
Oh--then you haven't heard?
ERN.
My love, I've heard nothing. How could I? There are
no daily papers where I come from.
JULIA.
Why, Ludwig challenged Rudolph and won, and now
he's Grand Duke, and he's revived the law for another century!
ERN.
What! But you're not serious--you're only joking!
JULIA.
My good sir, I'm a light-hearted girl, but I don't
chaff bogies.
ERN.
Well, that's the meanest dodge I ever heard of!
JULIA.
Shabby trick, I call it.
ERN.
But you don't mean to say that you're going to cry
off!
JULIA.
I really can't afford to wait until your time is
up. You know, I've always set my face against
long engagements.
ERN.
Then defy the law and marry me now. We will fly to
your native country, and I'll play broken-English in
London as you play broken-German here!
JULIA.
No. These legal technicalities cannot be defied.
Situated as you are, you have no power to make me
your wife. At best you could only make me your widow.
ERN.
Then be my widow--my little, dainty, winning, winsome widow!
JULIA.
Now what would be the good of that? Why, you
goose, I should marry again within a month!
DUET--ERNEST and JULIA.
ERN.
If the light of love's lingering ember
Has faded in gloom,
You cannot neglect, O remember,
A voice from the tomb!
That stern supernatural diction
Should act as a solemn restriction,
Although by a mere legal fiction
A voice from the tomb!
JULIA
(in affected terror).
I own that that utterance chills me--
It withers my bloom!
With awful emotion it thrills me--
That voice from the tomb!
Oh, spectre, won't anything lay thee?
Though pained to deny or gainsay thee,
In this case I cannot obey thee,
Thou voice from the tomb!
(Dancing.)
So, spectre, appalling,
I bid you good-day--
Perhaps you'll be calling
When passing this way.
Your bogydom scorning,
And all your love-lorning,
I bid you good-morning,
I bid you good-day.
ERN.
(furious).
My offer recalling,
Your words I obey--
Your fate is appalling,
And full of dismay.
To pay for this scorning
I give you fair warning
I'll haunt you each morning,
Each night, and each day!
(Repeat Ensemble, and exeunt in opposite directions.)
[Re-enter the Wedding Procession dancing.]
CHORUS.
Now bridegroom and bride let us toast
In a magnum of merry champagne--
Let us make of this moment the most,
We may not be so lucky again.
So drink to our sovereign host
And his highly intelligent reign--
His health and his bride's let us toast
In a magnum of merry champagne!
SONG--BARONESS with CHORUS.
I once gave an evening party
(A sandwich and cut-orange ball),
But my guests had such appetites hearty
That I couldn't enjoy it, enjoy it at all.
I made a heroic endeavour
To look unconcerned, but in vain,
And I vow'd that I never--oh never
Would ask anybody again!
But there's a distinction decided---
A difference truly immense--
When the wine that you drink is provided, provided,
At somebody else's expense.
So bumpers--aye, ever so many--
The cost we may safely ignore!
For the wine doesn't cost us a penny,
Tho' it's Pommry seventy-four!
CHORUS.
So bumpers--aye, ever so many--etc.
Come, bumpers--aye, ever so many--
And then, if you will, many more!
This wine doesn't cost us a penny,
Tho' it's Pommry, Pommry seventy-four!
Old wine is a true panacea
For ev'ry conceivable ill,
When you cherish the soothing idea
That somebody else pays the bill!
Old wine is a pleasure that's hollow
When at your own table you sit,
For you're thinking each mouthful you swallow
Has cost you, has cost you a threepenny-bit!
So bumpers--aye, ever so many--
And then, if you will, many more!
This wine doesn't cost us a penny,
Tho' it's Pommry seventy-four!
CHORUS.
So, bumpers--aye, ever so many--etc.
(March heard.)
LUD.
(recit.)
Why, who is this approaching,
Upon our joy encroaching?
Some rascal come a-poaching
Who's heard that wine we're broaching?
ALL.
Who may this be?
Who may this be?
Who is he? Who is he? Who is he?
[Enter HERALD.]
HER.
The Prince of Monte Carlo,
From Mediterranean water,
Has come here to bestow
On you his beautiful daughter.
They've paid off all they owe,
As every statesman oughter--
That Prince of Monte Carlo
And his be-eautiful daughter!
CHORUS.
The Prince of Monte Carlo, etc.
HER.
The Prince of Monte Carlo,
Who is so very partickler,
Has heard that you're also
For ceremony a stickler--
Therefore he lets you know
By word of mouth auric'lar--
(That Prince of Monte Carlo
Who is so very particklar)--
CHORUS.
The Prince of Monte Carlo, etc.
HER.
That Prince of Monte Carlo,
From Mediterranean water,
Has come here to bestow
On you his be-eautiful daughter!
LUD.
(recit.).
His Highness we know not--nor the locality
In which is situate his Principality;
But, as he guesses by some odd fatality,
This is the shop for cut and dried formality!
Let him appear--
He'll find that we're
Remarkable for cut and dried formality.
(Reprise of March. Exit HERALD.
LUDWIG beckons his Court.)
LUD.
I have a plan--I'll tell you all the plot of it--
He wants formality--he shall have a lot of it!
(Whispers to them, through symphony.)
Conceal yourselves, and when I give the cue,
Spring out on him--you all know what to do!
(All conceal themselves behind
the draperies that enclose the stage.)
[Pompous March. Enter the PRINCE and PRINCESS OF
MONTE CARLO, attended by six theatrical-looking
nobles and the Court Costumier.]
DUET--Prince and PRINCESS.
PRINCE.
We're rigged out in magnificent array
(Our own clothes are much gloomier)
In costumes which we've hired by the day
From a very well-known costumier.
COST.
(bowing).
I am the well-known costumier.
PRINCESS.
With a brilliant staff a Prince should make a show
(It's a rule that never varies),
So we've engaged from the Theatre Monaco
Six supernumeraries.
NOBLES.
We're the supernumeraries.
ALL.
At a salary immense,
Quite regardless of expense,
Six supernumeraries!
PRINCE.
They do not speak, for they break our grammar's laws,
And their language is lamentable--
And they never take off their gloves, because
Their nails are not presentable.
NOBLES.
Our nails are not presentable!
PRINCESS.
To account for their shortcomings manifest
We explain, in a whisper bated,
They are wealthy members of the brewing interest
To the Peerage elevated.
NOBLES.
To the Peerage elevated.
ALL.
They're/We're very, very rich,
And accordingly, as sich,
To the Peerage elevated.
PRINCE.
Well, my dear, here we are at last--just in time
to compel Duke Rudolph to fulfil the terms of his
marriage contract. Another hour and we should have been too late.
PRINCESS.
Yes, papa, and if you hadn't fortunately
discovered a means of making an income by
honest industry, we should never have got here at all.
PRINCE.
Very true. Confined for the last two years within
the precincts of my palace by an obdurate bootmaker who held a
warrant for my arrest, I devoted my enforced leisure to a study
of the doctrine of chances--mainly with the view of ascertaining
whether there was the remotest chance of my ever going out for a
walk again--and this led to the discovery of a singularly
fascinating little round game which I have called Roulette, and
by which, in one sitting, I won no less than five thousand
francs! My first act was to pay my bootmaker--my second, to
engage a good useful working set of second-hand nobles--and my
third, to hurry you off to Pfennig Halbpfennig as fast as a
train de luxe could carry us!
PRINCESS.
Yes, and a pretty job-lot of second-hand nobles
you've scraped together!
PRINCE
(doubtfully).
Pretty, you think? Humph! I don't
know. I should say tol-lol, my love--only tol-lol.
They are not wholly satisfactory. There is a certain
air of unreality about them--they are not convincing.
COST.
But, my goot friend, vhat can you expect for
eighteenpence a day!
PRINCE.
Now take this Peer, for instance. What the deuce
do you call him?
COST.
Him? Oh, he's a swell--he's the Duke of Riviera.
PRINCE.
Oh, he's a Duke, is he? Well, that's no reason
why he should look so confoundedly haughty.
(To Noble.)
Be affable, sir!
(Noble takes attitude of affability.)
That's better.
(Passing to another.)
Now, who's this with his moustache coming off?
COST.
Vhy; you're Viscount Mentone, ain't you?
NOBLE.
Blest if I know.
(Turning up sword-belt.)
It's wrote here--yes, Viscount Mentone.
COST.
Then vhy don't you say so? 'Old yerself up--you
ain't carryin' sandwich boards now.
(Adjusts his moustache.)
PRINCE.
Now, once for all, you Peers--when His Highness
arrives, don't stand like sticks, but appear to take an
intelligent and sympathetic interest in what is going on. You
needn't say anything, but let your gestures be in accordance with
the spirit of the conversation. Now take the word from me.
Affability! (attitude). Submission! (attitude). Surprise!
(attitude). Shame! (attitude). Grief! (attitude). Joy!
(attitude). That's better! You can do it if you like!
PRINCESS.
But, papa, where in the world is the Court?
There is positively no one here to receive us! I can't help
feeling that Rudolph wants to get out of it because I'm poor.
He's a miserly little wretch--that's what he is.
PRINCE.
Well, I shouldn't go so far as to say that. I
should rather describe him as an enthusiastic collector of
coins--of the realm--and we must not be too hard upon a
numismatist if he feels a certain disinclination to part with
some of his really very valuable specimens. It's a pretty hobby:
I've often thought I should like to collect some coins myself.
PRINCESS.
Papa, I'm sure there's some one behind that
curtain. I saw it move!
PRINCE.
Then no doubt they are coming. Now mind, you
Peers--haughty affability combined with a sense of
what is due to your exalted ranks, or I'll fine
you half a franc each--upon my soul I will!
(Gong. The curtains fly back and the Court are discovered.
They give a wild yell and rush on to the stage dancing wildly,
with PRINCE, PRINCESS, and Nobles, who are taken by surprise
at first, but eventually join in a reckless dance. At the
end all fall down exhausted.)
LUD.
There, what do you think of that? That's our official
ceremonial for the reception of visitors of the very
highest distinction.
PRINCE
(puzzled).
It's very quaint--very curious indeed.
Prettily footed, too. Prettily footed.
LUD.
Would you like to see how we say "good-bye" to
visitors of distinction? That ceremony is also
performed with the foot.
PRINCE.
Really, this tone--ah, but perhaps you have not
completely grasped the situation?
LUD.
Not altogether.
PRINCE.
Ah, then I'll give you a lead over.
(Significantly:)
I am the father of the Princess of Monte Carlo.
Doesn't that convey any idea to the Grand Ducal mind?
LUD.
(stolidly).
Nothing definite.
PRINCE
(aside).
H'm--very odd! Never mind--try again!
(Aloud.)
This is the daughter of the Prince of Monte Carlo.
Do you take?
LUD.
(still puzzled).
No--not yet. Go on--don't give it
up--I dare say it will come presently.
PRINCE.
Very odd--never mind--try again.
(With sly significance.)
Twenty years ago! Little doddle doddle! Two
little doddle doddles! Happy father--hers and yours.
Proud mother--yours and hers! Hah! Now you take?
I see you do! I see you do!
LUD.
Nothing is more annoying than to feel that you're not
equal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation.
I wish he'd say something intelligible.
PRINCE.
You didn't expect me?
LUD.
(jumping at it).
No, no. I grasp that--thank you very much.
(Shaking hands with him.)
No, I did not expect you!
PRINCE.
I thought not. But ha! ha! at last I have escaped
from my enforced restraint.
(General movement of alarm.)
(To crowd who are stealing off.)
No, no--you misunderstand me. I
mean I've paid my debts!
ALL.
Oh!
(They return.)
PRINCESS
(affectionately).
But, my darling, I'm afraid that
even now you don't quite realize who I am!
(Embracing him.)
BARONESS.
Why, you forward little hussy, how dare you?
(Takes her away from LUDWIG.)
LUD.
You mustn't do that, my dear--never in the presence
of the Grand Duchess, I beg!
PRINCESS
(weeping).
Oh, papa, he's got a Grand Duchess!
LUD.
A Grand Duchess! My good girl, I've got three Grand
Duchesses!
PRINCESS.
Well, I'm sure! Papa, let's go away--this is
not a respectable Court.
PRINCE.
All these Grand Dukes have their little fancies,
my love. This potentate appears to be collecting wives.
It's a pretty hobby--I should like to collect a few myself.
This
(admiring BARONESS)
is a charming specimen--an antique, I should say--
of the early Merovingian period, if I'm not mistaken;
and here's another--a Scotch lady, I think
(alluding to JULIA), and
(alluding to LISA)
a little one thrown in.
Two half-quarterns and a makeweight!
(To LUDWIG.)
Have you such a thing as a
catalogue of the Museum?
PRINCESS.
But I cannot permit Rudolph to keep a museum--
LUD.
Rudolph? Get along with you, I'm not Rudolph!
Rudolph died yesterday!
PRINCE and PRINCESS.
What!
LUD.
Quite suddenly--of--of--a cardiac affection.
PRINCE and PRINCESS.
Of a cardiac affection!
LUD.
Yes, a pack-of-cardiac affection. He fought a
Statutory Duel with me and lost, and I took over all his
engagements--including this imperfectly preserved old lady,
to whom he has been engaged for the last three weeks.
PRINCESS.
Three weeks! But I've been engaged to him for
the last twenty years!
BARONESS, LISA, and JULIA.
Twenty years!
PRINCE
(aside).
It's all right, my love--they can't get over that.
(Aloud.)
He's yours--take him, and hold him as tight as you can!
PRINCESS.
My own!
(Embracing LUDWIG.)
LUD.
Here's another!--the fourth in four-and-twenty hours!
Would anybody else like to marry me? You, ma'am--or
you--anybody! I'm getting used to it!
BARONESS.
But let me tell you, ma'am--
JULIA.
Why, you impudent little hussy--
LISA.
Oh, here's another--here's another!
(Weeping.)
PRINCESS.
Poor ladies, I'm very sorry for you all; but,
you see, I've a prior claim. Come, away we
go--there's not a moment to be lost!
CHORUS
(as they dance towards exit).
Away to the wedding we'll go
To summon the charioteers,
No kind of reluctance we show
To embark on our married careers--
(At this moment RUDOLPH, ERNEST, and NOTARY appear.
All kneel in astonishment.)
RECITATIVE.
RUD., ERN., and NOT.
Forbear! This may not be!
Frustrated are your plans!
With paramount decree
The Law forbids the banns!
ALL.
The Law forbids the banns!
LUD.
Not a bit of it! I've revived the law for another century!
RUD.
You didn't revive it! You couldn't revive it!
You--you are an impostor, sir--a tuppenny rogue, sir!
You--you never were, and in all human probability
never will be--Grand Duke of Pfennig Anything!
ALL.
What!!!
RUD.
Never--never, never!
(Aside.)
Oh, my internal
economy!
LUD.
That's absurd, you know. I fought the Grand Duke. He
drew a King, and I drew an Ace. He perished in
inconceivable agonies on the spot. Now, as that's
settled, we'll go on with the wedding.
RUD.
It--it isn't settled. You--you can't. I--I--
(to NOTARY).
Oh, tell him--tell him! I can't!
NOT.
Well, the fact is, there's been a little mistake here.
On reference to the Act that regulates Statutory Duels,
I find it is expressly laid down that the Ace shall
count invariably as lowest!
ALL.
As lowest!
RUD.
(breathlessly).
As lowest--lowest--lowest! So you're
the ghoest--ghoest--ghoest!
(Aside.)
Oh, what is the matter with me inside here!
ERN.
Well, Julia, as it seems that the law hasn't been
revived--and as, consequently, I shall come to life
in about three minutes--(consulting his watch)--
JULIA.
My objection falls to the ground.
(Resignedly.)
Very well!
PRINCESS.
And am I to understand that I was on the point
of marrying a dead man without knowing it?
(To RUDOLPH, who revives.)
Oh, my love, what a narrow escape I've had!
RUD.
Oh--you are the Princess of Monte Carlo, and you've
turned up just in time! Well, you're an attractive
little girl, you know, but you're as poor as a rat!
(They retire up together.)
LISA.
That's all very well, but what is to become of me?
(To LUDWIG.)
If you're a dead man--
(Clock strikes three.)
LUD.
But I'm not. Time's up--the Act has expired--I've
come to life--the parson is still in attendance,
and we'll all be married directly.
ALL.
Hurrah!
FINALE.
Happy couples, lightly treading,
Castle chapel will be quite full!
Each shall have a pretty wedding,
As, of course, is only rightful,
Though the brides be fair or frightful.
Contradiction little dreading,
This will be a day delightful--
Each shall have a pretty wedding!
Such a pretty, pretty wedding!
Such a pretty wedding!
(All dance off to get married as the curtain falls.)
[THE END]
W. S. Gilbert's play: Grand Duke; Or, The Statutory Duel
_
Read previous: Act 1
Table of content of Grand Duke; Or, The Statutory Duel
GO TO TOP OF SCREEN
Post your review
Your review will be placed after the table of content of this book
