________________________________________________
_ ACT I
SCENE. Pavilion attached to King Hildebrand's Palace.
Soldiers and courtiers discovered looking out through
opera-glasses, telescopes, etc., Florian leading.
CHORUS AND SOLO Florian
"Search throughout the panorama"
CHORUS.
Search throughout the panorama
For a sign of royal Gama,
Who to-day should cross the water
With his fascinating daughter--
Ida is her name.
Some misfortune evidently
Has detained them -- consequently
Search throughout the panorama
For the daughter of King Gama,
Prince Hilarion's flame!
Prince Hilarion's flame!
SOLO - Florian
FLORIAN.
Will Prince Hilarion's hopes be sadly blighted?
CHORUS.
Who can tell? Who can tell?
FLORIAN.
Will Ida break the vows that she has plighted?
CHORUS.
Who can tell? Who can tell?
FLORIAN.
Will she back out, and say she did not mean them?
CHORUS.
Who can tell?
FLORIAN.
If so, there'll be the deuce to pay between them!
CHORUS.
No, no -- we'll not despair, we'll not despair,
For Gama would not dare
To make a deadly foe
Of Hildebrand, and so,
Search through the panorama
For a sign of royal Gama,
Who today should cross the water
With his fascinating daughter--
Ida, Ida is her name.
Enter King Hildebrand with Cyril
HILDEBD.
See you no sign of Gama?
FLORIAN.
None, my liege!
HILDEBD.
It's very odd indeed. If Gama fail
To put in an appearance at our Court
Before the sun has set in yonder west,
And fail to bring the Princess Ida here
To whom our son Hilarion was betrothed
At the extremely early age of one,
There's war between King Gama and ourselves!
aside to Cyril
Oh, Cyril, how I dread this interview!
It's twenty years since he and I have met.
He was a twisted monster -- all awry----
As though Dame Nature, angry with her work,
Had crumpled it in fitful petulance!
CYRIL.
But, sir, a twisted and ungainly trunk
Often bears goodly fruit. Perhaps he was
A kind, well-spoken gentleman?
HILDEBD.
Oh, no!
For, adder-like, his sting lay in his tongue.
His "sting" is present, though his "stung" is past.
FLORIAN.
looking through glass
But stay, my liege; o'er yonder mountain's brow
Comes a small body, bearing Gama's arms;
And now I look more closely at it, sir,
I see attached to it King Gama's legs;
From which I gather this corollary
That that small body must be Gama's own!
HILDEBD.
Ha! Is the Princess with him?
FLORIAN.
Well, my liege,
Unless her highness is full six feet high,
And wears mustachios too -- and smokes cigars----
And rides en cavalier in coat of steel----
I do not think she is.
HILDEBD.
One never knows.
She's a strange girl, I've heard, and does odd things!
Come, bustle there!
For Gama place the richest robes we own----
For Gama place the coarsest prison dress----
For Gama let our best spare bed be aired----
For Gama let our deepest dungeon yawn----
For Gama lay the costliest banquet out----
For Gama place cold water and dry bread!
For as King Gama brings the Princess here,
Or brings her not, so shall King Gama have
Much more than everything -- much less than nothing!
SONG Hildebrand and Chorus
"Now Hearken to my Strict Command"
HILDEBD.
Now hearken to my strict command
On every hand, on every hand----
CHORUS.
To your command,
On every hand,
We dutifully bow.
HILDEBD.
If Gama bring the Princess here,
Give him good cheer, give him good cheer.
CHORUS.
If she come here
We'll give him a cheer,
And we will show you how.
Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
We'll shout and sing
Long live the King,
And his daughter, too, I trow!
Then shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah!
For the fair Princess and her good papa,
Hurrah, hurrah!
HILDEBD.
But if he fail to keep his troth,
Upon our oath, we'll trounce them both!
CHORUS.
He'll trounce them both,
Upon his oath,
As sure as quarter-day!
HILDEBD.
We'll shut him up in a dungeon cell,
And toll his knell on a funeral bell.
CHORUS.
From his dungeon cell,
His funeral knell
Shall strike him with dismay!
Hip, hip, hurrah! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!
As up we string
The faithless King,
In the old familiar way!
We'll shout ha! ha! hip, hip, hurrah!
Hip, hip, hip, hip, hurrah!
As we make an end of her false papa,
Hurrah, hurrah!
Exeunt all
Enter Hilarion
RECITATIVE AND SONG Hilarion
"Today we meet"
RECITATIVE - Hilarion
To-day we meet, my baby bride and I--
But ah, my hopes are balanc'd by my fears!
What transmutations have been conjur'd by
The silent alchemy of twenty years!
BALLAD - Hilarion
Ida was a twelve-month old,
Twenty years ago!
I was twice her age, I'm told,
Twenty years ago!
Husband twice as old as wife
Argues ill for married life
Baleful prophecies were rife,
Twenty years ago,
Twenty years ago!
Still, I was a tiny prince
Twenty years ago.
She has gained upon me, since
Twenty years ago.
Though she's twenty-one, it's true,
I am barely twenty-two--
False and foolish prophets you
Twenty years ago,
Twenty years ago!
Enter Hildebrand
HILARION.
Well, father, is there news for me at last?
HILDEBD.
King Gama is in sight, but much I fear
With no Princess!
HILARION.
Alas, my liege, I've heard,
That Princess Ida has forsworn the world,
And, with a band of women, shut herself
Within a lonely country house, and there
Devotes herself to stern philosophies!
HILDEBD.
Then I should say the loss of such a wife
Is one to which a reasonable man
Would easily be reconciled.
HILARION.
Oh, no!
Or I am not a reasonable man.
She is my wife -- has been for twenty years!
Holding glass I think I see her now.
HILDEBD.
Ha! Let me look!
HILARION.
In my mind's eye, I mean -- a blushing bride
All bib and tucker, frill and furbelow!
How exquisite she looked as she was borne,
Recumbent, in her foster-mother's arms!
How the bride wept -- nor would be comforted
Until the hireling mother-for-the-nonce
Administered refreshment in the vestry.
And I remember feeling much annoyed
That she should weep at marrying with me.
But then I thought, "These brides are all alike.
You cry at marrying me? How much more cause
You'd have to cry if it were broken off!"
These were my thoughts; I kept them to myself,
For at that age I had not learnt to speak.
Exeunt Hildebrand and Hilarion
Enter Courtiers
CHORUS
"From the distant panorama"
CHORUS.
From the distant panorama
Come the sons of royal Gama.
They are heralds evidently,
And are sacred consequently,
Sons of Gama, hail! oh, hail!
Enter Arac, Guron, and Scynthius
TRIO Arac, Guron, Scynthius and Chorus
"We are Warriors Three"
SONG - Arac
ARAC.
We are warriors three,
Sons of Gama, Rex,
Like most sons are we,
Masculine in sex.
ALL THREE.
Yes, yes, yes,
Masculine in sex.
ARAC.
Politics we bar,
They are not our bent;
On the whole we are
Not intelligent.
ALL THREE.
No, no, no,
Not intelligent.
ARAC.
But with doughty heart,
And with trusty blade
We can play our part--
Fighting is our trade.
ALL THREE.
Yes, yes, yes,
Fighting is our trade.
Bold and fierce, and strong, ha! ha!
For a war we burn,
With its right or wrong, ha! ha!
We have no concern.
Order comes to fight, ha! ha!
Order is obey'd,
We are men of might, ha! ha!
Fighting is our trade.
Yes -- yes, yes,
Fighting is our trade, ha! ha!
THE THREE PRINCIPALS CHORUS
Fighting is our trade, ha
ha! They are men of might, ha! ha!
Fighting is their trade.
Order comes to fight, ha! ha!
Order is obey'd!
Order comes to fight!
Ha, Ha!
Order is obey'd!
Fighting Fighting
is. Yes, yes, yes, is
Fighting is our trade, ha their
Ha! trade!
Enter King Gama
SONG Gama
"If you give me your Attention"
GAMA.
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I
am: I'm a genuine philanthropist -- all other kinds are sham.
Each little fault of temper and each social defect
In my erring fellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct.
To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes;
And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise;
I love my fellow creatures -- I do all the good I can--
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And I can't think why!
To compliments inflated I've a withering reply;
And vanity I always do my best to mortify;
A charitable action I can skillfully dissect;
And interested motives I'm delighted to detect;
I know ev'rybody's income and what ev'rybody earns;
And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns;
But to benefit humanity however much I plan,
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And I can't think why!
I'm sure I'm no ascetic; I'm as pleasant as can be;
You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee,
I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer,
I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer.
To ev'rybody's prejudice I know a thing or two;
I can tell a woman's age in half a minute -- and I do.
But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can,
Yet ev'rybody says I'm such a disagreeable man!
And I can't think why!
CHORUS.
He can't think why!
He can't think why!
Enter Hildebrand, Hilarion, Cyril and Florian
GAMA.
So this is Castle Hildebrand? Well, well!
Dame Rumour whispered that the place was grand;
She told me that your taste was exquisite,
Superb, unparalleled!
HILDEBND.
Gratified
Oh, really, King!
GAMA.
But she's a liar! Why, how old you've grown!
Is this Hilarion? Why, you've changed too--
You were a singularly handsome child!
To Florian
Are you a courtier? Come, then ply your trade,
Tell me some lies. How do you like your King?
Vile rumour says he's all but imbecile.
Now, that's not true?
FLORIAN.
My lord, we love our King.
His wise remarks are valued by his court
As precious stones.
GAMA.
And for the self-same cause.
Like precious stones, his sensible remarks
Derive their value from their scarcity!
Come now, be honest, tell the truth for once!
Tell it of me. Come, come, I'll harm you not.
This leg is crooked -- this foot is ill-designed--
This shoulder wears a hump! Come, out with it!
Look, here's my face! Now, am I not the worst
Of Nature's blunders?
CYRIL.
Nature never errs.
To those who know the workings of your mind,
Your face and figure, sir, suggest a book
Appropriately bound.
GAMA.
Enraged
Why, harkye, sir,
How dare you bandy words with me?
CYRIL.
No need
To bandy aught that appertains to you.
GAMA.
Furiously
Do you permit this, King?
HILDEBD.
We are in doubt
Whether to treat you as an honoured guest
Or as a traitor knave who plights his word
And breaks it.
GAMA.
Quickly
If the casting vote's with me,
I give it for the former!
HILDEBD.
We shall see.
By the terms of our contract, signed and sealed,
You're bound to bring the Princess here to-day:
Why is she not with you?
GAMA.
Answer me this:
What think you of a wealthy purse-proud man,
Who, when he calls upon a starving friend,
Pulls out his gold and flourishes his notes,
And flashes diamonds in the pauper's eyes?
What name have you for such an one?
HILDEBD.
A snob.
GAMA.
Just so. The girl has beauty, virtue, wit,
Grace, humour, wisdom, charity and pluck.
Would it be kindly, think you, to parade
These brilliant qualities before your eyes?
Oh no, King Hildebrand, I am no snob!
HILDEBD.
Furiously
Stop that tongue,
Or you shall lose the monkey head that holds it!
GAMA.
Bravo! Your King deprives me of my head,
That he and I may meet on equal terms!
HILDEBD.
Where is she now?
Threatening
GAMA.
In Castle Adamant,
One of my many country houses. There
She rules a woman's University,
With full a hundred girls, who learn of her.
CYRIL.
A hundred girls! A hundred ecstasies!
GAMA.
But no mere girls, my good young gentleman;
With all the college learning that you boast,
The youngest there will prove a match for you.
CYRIL.
With all my heart, if she's the prettiest!
To Florian
Fancy, a hundred matches -- all alight!--
That's if I strike them as I hope to do!
GAMA.
Despair your hope; their hearts are dead to men.
He who desires to gain their favour must
Be qualified to strike their teeming brains,
And not their hearts. They're safety matches, sir,
And they light only on the knowledge box--
So you've no chance!
FLORIAN.
And there are no males whatever in those walls?
GAMA.
None, gentlemen, excepting letter mails--
And they are driven as males often are
In other large communities by women.
Why, bless my heart, she's so particular
She'll hardly suffer Dr. Watts's hymns--
And all the animals she owns are "hers"!
The ladies rise at cockcrow every morn--
CYRIL.
Ah, then they have male poultry?
GAMA.
Not at all,
Confidentially
The crowing's done by an accomplished hen!
FINALE
Gama, Hildebrand, Cyril, Hilarion, Florian
and Chorus of Girls and Men
DUET
Gama and Hildebrand
"P'raps if you Address the Lady"
GAMA.
P'raps if you address the lady
Most politely, most politely--
Flatter and impress the lady,
Most politely, most politely,--
Humbly beg and humbly sue--
She may deign to look on you,
But your doing you must do
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
ALL.
Humbly beg and humbly sue,
She may deign to look on you,
But your doing you must do
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
HILDEBD.
Go you and inform the lady,
Most politely, most politely,
If she don't, we'll storm the lady
Most politely, most politely!
To Gama
You'll remain as hostage here;
Should Hillarion disappear,
We will hang you, never fear,
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
ALL.
He'll I'll You'll remain as hostage here.
Should Hilarion disappear,
They We will hang me you never fear,
Most politely, most politely, most
politely!
Gama, Arac, Guron and Scynthius are marched off
in custody, Hildebrand following
RECITATIVE -- Hilarion
Come, Cyril, Florian, our course is plain,
To-morrow morn fair Ida we'll engage;
But we will use no force her love to gain,
Nature, nature has arm'd us for the war we wage!
TRIO -- Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian
HILARION.
Expressive glances
Shall be our lances,
And pops of Sillery
Our light artillery.
We'll storm their bowers
With scented showers
Of fairest flowers
That we can buy!
CHORUS.
Oh, dainty triolet!
Oh, fragrant violet!
Oh, gentle heigho-let!
Or little sigh.
On sweet urbanity,
Through mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely!
CYRIL.
When day is fading,
With serenading
And such frivolity
We'll prove our quality.
A sweet profusion
Of soft allusion
This bold intrusion
Shall justify,
This bold intrusion
Shall justify.
CHORUS.
Oh, dainty triolet!
Oh, fragrant violet!
Oh, gentle heigho-let!
Or little sigh.
On sweet urbanity,
Through mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely!
FLORIAN.
We'll charm their senses
With verbal fences,
With ballads amatory
And declamatory.
Little heeding
Their pretty pleading,
Our love exceeding
We'll justify!
Our love exceeding
We'll justify!
CHORUS.
Oh, dainty triolet!
Oh, fragrant violet!
Oh, gentle heigho-let!
Or little sigh.
On sweet urbanity,
Through mere inanity,
To touch their vanity
We will rely!
BASSES SOPS.
Oh dainty Altos, Tenors, and
triolet! Oh fragrant Oh
violet! Oh dain-
gentle ty
heigh-o-let! Or tri-
little o-
sigh. let!
HILARION & CYRIL CHORUS.
Oh dainty
triolet! Oh fragrant Oh
violet Add Florian Oh fra-
gentle grant
heigh-o-let! Or vi-
little o-
sigh. let!
SOPS & ALTOS: TENORS & BASSES
Oh dainty Oh dainty
triolet! Oh tri-
fragrant o-
violet let!
ALL.
Oh dainty triolet!
Oh fragrant violet!
Re-enter Gama, Arac, Guron,
and Scynthius heavily ironed, followed by Hildebrand
RECITATIVE
GAMA.
Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust?
HILDEBD.
You must!
GAMA.
This seems unnecessarily severe!
ARAC, GURON & SCYN.
Hear, hear!
TRIO - Arac, Guron and Scynthius
For a month to dwell
In a dungeon cell:
Growing thin and wizen
In a solitary prison,
Is a poor look out
For a soldier stout,
Who is longing for the rattle
Of a complicated battle--
For the rum - tum - tum
Of the military drum
And the guns that go boom!
boom!
ALL.
The rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum,
Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum
Who is longing for the rattle of a complicated
battle--
For the rum tum tum
Of the military drum!
Prr, prr, prr, ra -- pum -- pum!
HILDEBD.
When Hilarion's bride
Has at length complied
With the just conditions
Of our requisitions,
You may go in haste
And indulge your taste
For the fascinating rattle
Of a complicated battle--
For the rum - tum - tum,
Of the military drum,
And the guns that go boom! boom!
ALL.
The rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum,
Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum!
Who is longing for the rattle
Of a complicated battle
For the rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum!
Tum, prr -- prr -- prr ra -- pum, pum!
But til that time you'll we'll here remain,
And bail we they will not entertain,
Should she our his mandate disobey,
Your Our lives the penalty will pay!
But till that time you'll we'll here remain,
And bail we they will not entertain.
Should she our his mandate disobey,
Your Our lives the penalty will pay!
Should she our his mandate disobey,
Your Our lives the penalty will pay!
Gama, Arac, Guron, and Synthius are marched off. _
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