CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

________________________________________________
_ IN WHICH THE TRAVELLERS MOVE HOMEWARD, AND
ENCOUNTER SOME DISTINGUISHED CHARACTERS UPON THE WAY

 

Among the passengers on board the steamboat, there was a faint

gentleman sitting on a low camp-stool, with his legs on a high

barrel of flour, as if he were looking at the prospect with his

ankles, who attracted their attention speedily.

 

He had straight black hair, parted up the middle of his head and

hanging down upon his coat; a little fringe of hair upon his chin;

wore no neckcloth; a white hat; a suit of black, long in the sleeves

and short in the legs; soiled brown stockings and laced shoes. His

complexion, naturally muddy, was rendered muddier by too strict an

economy of soap and water; and the same observation will apply to

the washable part of his attire, which he might have changed with

comfort to himself and gratification to his friends. He was about

five and thirty; was crushed and jammed up in a heap, under the

shade of a large green cotton umbrella; and ruminated over his

tobacco-plug like a cow.

 

He was not singular, to be sure, in these respects; for every

gentleman on board appeared to have had a difference with his

laundress and to have left off washing himself in early youth.

Every gentleman, too, was perfectly stopped up with tight plugging,

and was dislocated in the greater part of his joints. But about

this gentleman there was a peculiar air of sagacity and wisdom,

which convinced Martin that he was no common character; and this

turned out to be the case.

 

'How do you do sir?' said a voice in Martin's ear

 

'How do you do sir?' said Martin.

 

It was a tall thin gentleman who spoke to him, with a carpet-cap on,

and a long loose coat of green baize, ornamented about the pockets

with black velvet.

 

'You air from Europe, sir?'

 

'I am,' said Martin.

 

'You air fortunate, sir.'

 

Martin thought so too; but he soon discovered that the gentleman and

he attached different meanings to this remark.

 

'You air fortunate, sir, in having an opportunity of beholding our

Elijah Pogram, sir.'

 

'Your Elijahpogram!' said Martin, thinking it was all one word, and

a building of some sort.

 

'Yes sir.'

 

Martin tried to look as if he understood him, but he couldn't make

it out.

 

'Yes, sir,' repeated the gentleman. 'our Elijah Pogram, sir, is, at

this minute, identically settin' by the en-gine biler.'

 

The gentleman under the umbrella put his right forefinger to his

eyebrow, as if he were revolving schemes of state.

 

'That is Elijah Pogram, is it?' said Martin.

 

'Yes, sir,' replied the other. 'That is Elijah Pogram.'

 

'Dear me!' said Martin. 'I am astonished.' But he had not the least

idea who this Elijah Pogram was; having never heard the name in all

his life.

 

'If the biler of this vessel was Toe bust, sir,' said his new

acquaintance, 'and Toe bust now, this would be a festival day in the

calendar of despotism; pretty nigh equallin', sir, in its effects

upon the human race, our Fourth of glorious July. Yes, sir, that is

the Honourable Elijah Pogram, Member of Congress; one of the master-

minds of our country, sir. There is a brow, sir, there!'

 

'Quite remarkable,' said Martin.

 

'Yes, sir. Our own immortal Chiggle, sir, is said to have observed,

when he made the celebrated Pogram statter in marble, which rose so

much con-test and preju-dice in Europe, that the brow was more than

mortal. This was before the Pogram Defiance, and was, therefore, a

pre-diction, cruel smart.'

 

'What is the Pogram Defiance?' asked Martin, thinking, perhaps, it

was the sign of a public-house.

 

'An o-ration, sir,' returned his friend.

 

'Oh! to be sure,' cried Martin. 'What am I thinking of! It

defied--'

 

'It defied the world, sir,' said the other, gravely. 'Defied the

world in general to com-pete with our country upon any hook; and

devellop'd our internal resources for making war upon the universal

airth. You would like to know Elijah Pogram, sir?'

 

'If you please,' said Martin.

 

'Mr Pogram,' said the stranger--Mr Pogram having overheard every

word of the dialogue--'this is a gentleman from Europe, sir; from

England, sir. But gen'rous ene-mies may meet upon the neutral sile

of private life, I think.'

 

The languid Mr Pogram shook hands with Martin, like a clock-work

figure that was just running down. But he made amends by chewing

like one that was just wound up.

 

'Mr Pogram,' said the introducer, 'is a public servant, sir. When

Congress is recessed, he makes himself acquainted with those free

United States, of which he is the gifted son.'

 

It occurred to Martin that if the Honourable Elijah Pogram had

stayed at home, and sent his shoes upon a tour, they would have

answered the same purpose; for they were the only part of him in a

situation to see anything.

 

In course of time, however, Mr Pogram rose; and having ejected

certain plugging consequences which would have impeded his

articulation, took up a position where there was something to lean

against, and began to talk to Martin; shading himself with the green

umbrella all the time.

 

As he began with the words, 'How do you like--?' Martin took him up

and said:

 

'The country, I presume?'

 

'Yes, sir,' said Elijah Pogram. A knot of passengers gathered round

to hear what followed; and Martin heard his friend say, as he

whispered to another friend, and rubbed his hands, 'Pogram will

smash him into sky-blue fits, I know!'

 

'Why,' said Martin, after a moment's hesitation, 'I have learned by

experience, that you take an unfair advantage of a stranger, when

you ask that question. You don't mean it to be answered, except in

one way. Now, I don't choose to answer it in that way, for I cannot

honestly answer it in that way. And therefore, I would rather not

answer it at all.'

 

But Mr Pogram was going to make a great speech in the next session

about foreign relations, and was going to write strong articles on

the subject; and as he greatly favoured the free and independent

custom (a very harmless and agreeable one) of procuring information

of any sort in any kind of confidence, and afterwards perverting it

publicly in any manner that happened to suit him, he had determined

to get at Martin's opinions somehow or other. For if he could have

got nothing out of him, he would have had to invent it for him, and

that would have been laborious. He made a mental note of his

answer, and went in again.

 

'You are from Eden, sir? How did you like Eden?'

 

Martin said what he thought of that part of the country, in pretty

strong terms.

 

'It is strange,' said Pogram, looking round upon the group, 'this

hatred of our country, and her Institutions! This national antipathy

is deeply rooted in the British mind!'

 

'Good Heaven, sir,' cried Martin. 'Is the Eden Land Corporation,

with Mr Scadder at its head, and all the misery it has worked, at

its door, an Institution of America? A part of any form of

government that ever was known or heard of?'

 

'I con-sider the cause of this to be,' said Pogram, looking round

again and taking himself up where Martin had interrupted him,

'partly jealousy and pre-judice, and partly the nat'ral unfitness of

the British people to appreciate the ex-alted Institutions of our

native land. I expect, sir,' turning to Martin again, 'that a

gentleman named Chollop happened in upon you during your lo-cation

in the town of Eden?'

 

'Yes,' answered Martin; 'but my friend can answer this better than I

can, for I was very ill at the time. Mark! The gentleman is

speaking of Mr Chollop.'

 

'Oh. Yes, sir. Yes. I see him,' observed Mark.

 

'A splendid example of our na-tive raw material, sir?' said Pogram,

interrogatively.

 

'Indeed, sir!' cried Mark.

 

The Honourable Elijah Pogram glanced at his friends as though he

would have said, 'Observe this! See what follows!' and they rendered

tribute to the Pogram genius by a gentle murmur.

 

'Our fellow-countryman is a model of a man, quite fresh from Natur's

mould!' said Pogram, with enthusiasm. 'He is a true-born child of

this free hemisphere! Verdant as the mountains of our country;

bright and flowing as our mineral Licks; unspiled by withering

conventionalities as air our broad and boundless Perearers! Rough he

may be. So air our Barrs. Wild he may be. So air our Buffalers.

But he is a child of Natur', and a child of Freedom; and his

boastful answer to the Despot and the Tyrant is, that his bright

home is in the Settin Sun.'

 

Part of this referred to Chollop, and part to a Western postmaster,

who, being a public defaulter not very long before (a character not

at all uncommon in America), had been removed from office; and on

whose behalf Mr Pogram (he voted for Pogram) had thundered the last

sentence from his seat in Congress, at the head of an unpopular

President. It told brilliantly; for the bystanders were delighted,

and one of them said to Martin, 'that he guessed he had now seen

something of the eloquential aspect of our country, and was chawed

up pritty small.'

 

Mr Pogram waited until his hearers were calm again, before he said

to Mark:

 

'You do not seem to coincide, sir?'

 

'Why,' said Mark, 'I didn't like him much; and that's the truth,

sir. I thought he was a bully; and I didn't admire his carryin'

them murderous little persuaders, and being so ready to use 'em.'

 

'It's singler!' said Pogram, lifting his umbrella high enough to

look all round from under it. 'It's strange! You observe the

settled opposition to our Institutions which pervades the British

mind!'

 

'What an extraordinary people you are!' cried Martin. 'Are Mr

Chollop and the class he represents, an Institution here? Are

pistols with revolving barrels, sword-sticks, bowie-knives, and such

things, Institutions on which you pride yourselves? Are bloody

duels, brutal combats, savage assaults, shooting down and stabbing

in the streets, your Institutions! Why, I shall hear next that

Dishonour and Fraud are among the Institutions of the great

republic!'

 

The moment the words passed his lips, the Honourable Elijah Pogram

looked round again.

 

'This morbid hatred of our Institutions,' he observed, 'is quite a

study for the psychological observer. He's alludin' to Repudiation

now!'

 

'Oh! you may make anything an Institution if you like,' said Martin,

laughing, 'and I confess you had me there, for you certainly have

made that one. But the greater part of these things are one

Institution with us, and we call it by the generic name of Old

Bailey!'

 

The bell being rung for dinner at this moment, everybody ran away

into the cabin, whither the Honourable Elijah Pogram fled with such

precipitation that he forgot his umbrella was up, and fixed it so

tightly in the cabin door that it could neither be let down nor got

out. For a minute or so this accident created a perfect rebellion

among the hungry passengers behind, who, seeing the dishes, and

hearing the knives and forks at work, well knew what would happen

unless they got there instantly, and were nearly mad; while several

virtuous citizens at the table were in deadly peril of choking

themselves in their unnatural efforts to get rid of all the meat

before these others came.

 

They carried the umbrella by storm, however, and rushed in at the

breach. The Honourable Elijah Pogram and Martin found themselves,

after a severe struggle, side by side, as they might have come

together in the pit of a London theatre; and for four whole minutes

afterwards, Pogram was snapping up great blocks of everything he

could get hold of, like a raven. When he had taken this unusually

protracted dinner, he began to talk to Martin; and begged him not to

have the least delicacy in speaking with perfect freedom to him, for

he was a calm philosopher. Which Martin was extremely glad to hear;

for he had begun to speculate on Elijah being a disciple of that

other school of republican philosophy, whose noble sentiments are

carved with knives upon a pupil's body, and written, not with pen

and ink, but tar and feathers.

 

'What do you think of my countrymen who are present, sir?' inquired

Elijah Pogram.

 

'Oh! very pleasant,' said Martin.

 

They were a very pleasant party. No man had spoken a word; every

one had been intent, as usual, on his own private gorging; and the

greater part of the company were decidedly dirty feeders.

 

The Honourable Elijah Pogram looked at Martin as if he thought 'You

don't mean that, I know!' and he was soon confirmed in this opinion.

 

Sitting opposite to them was a gentleman in a high state of tobacco,

who wore quite a little beard, composed of the overflowing of that

weed, as they had dried about his mouth and chin; so common an

ornament that it would scarcely have attracted Martin's observation,

but that this good citizen, burning to assert his equality against

all comers, sucked his knife for some moments, and made a cut with

it at the butter, just as Martin was in the act of taking some.

There was a juiciness about the deed that might have sickened a

scavenger.

 

When Elijah Pogram (to whom this was an every-day incident) saw that

Martin put the plate away, and took no butter, he was quite

delighted, and said,

 

'Well! The morbid hatred of you British to the Institutions of our

country is as-TONishing!'

 

'Upon my life!' cried Martin, in his turn. 'This is the most

wonderful community that ever existed. A man deliberately makes a

hog of himself, and THAT'S an Institution!'

 

'We have no time to ac-quire forms, sir,' said Elijah Pogram.

 

'Acquire!' cried Martin. 'But it's not a question of acquiring

anything. It's a question of losing the natural politeness of a

savage, and that instinctive good breeding which admonishes one man

not to offend and disgust another. Don't you think that man over

the way, for instance, naturally knows better, but considers it a

very fine and independent thing to be a brute in small matters?'

 

'He is a na-tive of our country, and is nat'rally bright and spry,

of course,' said Mr Pogram.

 

'Now, observe what this comes to, Mr Pogram,' pursued Martin. 'The

mass of your countrymen begin by stubbornly neglecting little social

observances, which have nothing to do with gentility, custom, usage,

government, or country, but are acts of common, decent, natural,

human politeness. You abet them in this, by resenting all attacks

upon their social offences as if they were a beautiful national

feature. From disregarding small obligations they come in regular

course to disregard great ones; and so refuse to pay their debts.

What they may do, or what they may refuse to do next, I don't know;

but any man may see if he will, that it will be something following

in natural succession, and a part of one great growth, which is

rotten at the root.'

 

The mind of Mr Pogram was too philosophical to see this; so they

went on deck again, where, resuming his former post, he chewed until

he was in a lethargic state, amounting to insensibility.

 

After a weary voyage of several days, they came again to that same

wharf where Mark had been so nearly left behind, on the night of

starting for Eden. Captain Kedgick, the landlord, was standing

there, and was greatly surprised to see them coming from the boat.

 

'Why, what the 'tarnal!' cried the Captain. 'Well! I do admire at

this, I do!'

 

'We can stay at your house until to-morrow, Captain, I suppose?'

said Martin.

 

'I reckon you can stay there for a twelvemonth if you like,'

retorted Kedgick coolly. 'But our people won't best like your

coming back.'

 

'Won't like it, Captain Kedgick!' said Martin.

 

'They did ex-pect you was a-going to settle,' Kedgick answered, as

he shook his head. 'They've been took in, you can't deny!'

 

'What do you mean?' cried Martin.

 

'You didn't ought to have received 'em,' said the Captain. 'No you

didn't!'

 

'My good friend,' returned Martin, 'did I want to receive them? Was

it any act of mine? Didn't you tell me they would rile up, and that

I should be flayed like a wild cat--and threaten all kinds of

vengeance, if I didn't receive them?'

 

'I don't know about that,' returned the Captain. 'But when our

people's frills is out, they're starched up pretty stiff, I tell

you!'

 

With that, he fell into the rear to walk with Mark, while Martin and

Elijah Pogram went on to the National.

 

'We've come back alive, you see!' said Mark.

 

'It ain't the thing I did expect,' the Captain grumbled. 'A man

ain't got no right to be a public man, unless he meets the public

views. Our fashionable people wouldn't have attended his le-vee, if

they had know'd it.'

 

Nothing mollified the Captain, who persisted in taking it very ill

that they had not both died in Eden. The boarders at the National

felt strongly on the subject too; but it happened by good fortune

that they had not much time to think about this grievance, for it

was suddenly determined to pounce upon the Honourable Elijah Pogram,

and give HIM a le-vee forthwith.

 

As the general evening meal of the house was over before the arrival

of the boat, Martin, Mark, and Pogram were taking tea and fixings at

the public table by themselves, when the deputation entered to

announce this honour; consisting of six gentlemen boarders and a

very shrill boy.

 

'Sir!' said the spokesman.

 

'Mr Pogram!' cried the shrill boy.

 

The spokesman thus reminded of the shrill boy's presence, introduced

him. 'Doctor Ginery Dunkle, sir. A gentleman of great poetical

elements. He has recently jined us here, sir, and is an acquisition

to us, sir, I do assure you. Yes, sir. Mr Jodd, sir. Mr Izzard,

sir. Mr Julius Bib, sir.'

 

'Julius Washington Merryweather Bib,' said the gentleman himself TO

himself.

 

'I beg your pardon, sir. Excuse me. Mr Julius Washington

Merryweather Bib, sir; a gentleman in the lumber line, sir, and much

esteemed. Colonel Groper, sir. Pro-fessor Piper, sir. My own name,

sir, is Oscar Buffum.'

 

Each man took one slide forward as he was named; butted at the

Honourable Elijah Pogram with his head; shook hands, and slid back

again. The introductions being completed, the spokesman resumed.

 

'Sir!'

 

'Mr Pogram!' cried the shrill boy.

 

'Perhaps,' said the spokesman, with a hopeless look, 'you will be so

good, Dr. Ginery Dunkle, as to charge yourself with the execution

of our little office, sir?'

 

As there was nothing the shrill boy desired more, he immediately

stepped forward.

 

'Mr Pogram! Sir! A handful of your fellow-citizens, sir, hearing

of your arrival at the National Hotel, and feeling the patriotic

character of your public services, wish, sir, to have the

gratification of beholding you, and mixing with you, sir; and

unbending with you, sir, in those moments which--'

 

'Air,' suggested Buffum.

 

'Which air so peculiarly the lot, sir, of our great and happy

country.'

 

'Hear!' cried Colonel Grouper, in a loud voice. 'Good! Hear him!

Good!'

 

'And therefore, sir,' pursued the Doctor, 'they request; as A mark

Of their respect; the honour of your company at a little le-Vee,

sir, in the ladies' ordinary, at eight o'clock.'

 

Mr Pogram bowed, and said:

 

'Fellow countrymen!'

 

'Good!' cried the Colonel. 'Hear, him! Good!'

 

Mr Pogram bowed to the Colonel individually, and then resumed.

 

'Your approbation of My labours in the common cause goes to My

heart. At all times and in all places; in the ladies' ordinary, My

friends, and in the Battle Field--'

 

'Good, very good! Hear him! Hear him!' said the Colonel.

 

'The name of Pogram will be proud to jine you. And may it, My

friends, be written on My tomb, "He was a member of the Congress of

our common country, and was ac-Tive in his trust."'

 

'The Com-mittee, sir,' said the shrill boy, 'will wait upon you at

five minutes afore eight. I take My leave, sir!'

 

Mr Pogram shook hands with him, and everybody else, once more; and

when they came back again at five minutes before eight, they said,

one by one, in a melancholy voice, 'How do you do, sir?' and shook

hands with Mr Pogram all over again, as if he had been abroad for a

twelvemonth in the meantime, and they met, now, at a funeral.

 

But by this time Mr Pogram had freshened himself up, and had

composed his hair and features after the Pogram statue, so that any

one with half an eye might cry out, 'There he is! as he delivered

the Defiance!' The Committee were embellished also; and when they

entered the ladies' ordinary in a body, there was much clapping of

hands from ladies and gentlemen, accompanied by cries of 'Pogram!

Pogram!' and some standing up on chairs to see him.

 

The object of the popular caress looked round the room as he walked

up it, and smiled; at the same time observing to the shrill boy,

that he knew something of the beauty of the daughters of their

common country, but had never seen it in such lustre and perfection

as at that moment. Which the shrill boy put in the paper next day;

to Elijah Pogram's great surprise.

 

'We will re-quest you, sir, if you please,' said Buffum, laying

hands on Mr Pogram as if he were taking his measure for a coat, 'to

stand up with your back agin the wall right in the furthest corner,

that there may be more room for our fellow cit-izens. If you could

set your back right slap agin that curtain-peg, sir, keeping your

left leg everlastingly behind the stove, we should be fixed quite

slick.'

 

Mr Pogram did as he was told, and wedged himself into such a little

corner that the Pogram statue wouldn't have known him.

 

The entertainments of the evening then began. Gentlemen brought

ladies up, and brought themselves up, and brought each other up; and

asked Elijah Pogram what he thought of this political question, and

what he thought of that; and looked at him, and looked at one

another, and seemed very unhappy indeed. The ladies on the chairs

looked at Elijah Pogram through their glasses, and said audibly, 'I

wish he'd speak. Why don't he speak? Oh, do ask him to speak!' And

Elijah Pogram looked sometimes at the ladies and sometimes

elsewhere, delivering senatorial opinions, as he was asked for them.

But the great end and object of the meeting seemed to be, not to let

Elijah Pogram out of the corner on any account; so there they kept

him, hard and fast.

 

A great bustle at the door, in the course of the evening, announced

the arrival of some remarkable person; and immediately afterwards an

elderly gentleman, much excited, was seen to precipitate himself

upon the crowd, and battle his way towards the Honourable Elijah

Pogram. Martin, who had found a snug place of observation in a

distant corner, where he stood with Mark beside him (for he did not

so often forget him now as formerly, though he still did sometimes),

thought he knew this gentleman, but had no doubt of it, when he

cried as loud as he could, with his eyes starting out of his head:

 

'Sir, Mrs Hominy!'

 

'Lord bless that woman, Mark. She has turned up again!'

 

'Here she comes, sir,' answered Mr Tapley. 'Pogram knows her. A

public character! Always got her eye upon her country, sir! If that

there lady's husband is of my opinion, what a jolly old gentleman he

must be!'

 

A lane was made; and Mrs Hominy, with the aristocratic stalk, the

pocket handkerchief, the clasped hands, and the classical cap, came

slowly up it, in a procession of one. Mr Pogram testified emotions

of delight on seeing her, and a general hush prevailed. For it was

known that when a woman like Mrs Hominy encountered a man like

Pogram, something interesting must be said.

 

Their first salutations were exchanged in a voice too low to reach

the impatient ears of the throng; but they soon became audible, for

Mrs Hominy felt her position, and knew what was expected of her.

 

Mrs H. was hard upon him at first; and put him through a rigid

catechism in reference to a certain vote he had given, which she had

found it necessary, as the mother of the modern Gracchi, to

deprecate in a line by itself, set up expressly for the purpose in

German text. But Mr Pogram evading it by a well-timed allusion to

the star-spangled banner, which, it appeared, had the remarkable

peculiarity of flouting the breeze whenever it was hoisted where the

wind blew, she forgave him. They now enlarged on certain questions

of tariff, commercial treaty, boundary, importation and exportation

with great effect. And Mrs Hominy not only talked, as the saying

is, like a book, but actually did talk her own books, word for word.

 

'My! what is this!' cried Mrs Hominy, opening a little note which

was handed her by her excited gentleman-usher. 'Do tell! oh, well,

now! on'y think!'

 

And then she read aloud, as follows:

 

'Two literary ladies present their compliments to the mother of the

modern Gracchi, and claim her kind introduction, as their talented

countrywoman, to the honourable (and distinguished) Elijah Pogram,

whom the two L. L.'s have often contemplated in the speaking marble

of the soul-subduing Chiggle. On a verbal intimation from the

mother of the M. G., that she will comply with the request of the two

L. L.'s, they will have the immediate pleasure of joining the galaxy

assembled to do honour to the patriotic conduct of a Pogram. It may

be another bond of union between the two L. L.'s and the mother of

the M. G. to observe, that the two L. L.'s are Transcendental.'

 

Mrs Hominy promptly rose, and proceeded to the door, whence she

returned, after a minute's interval, with the two L. L.'s, whom she

led, through the lane in the crowd, with all that stateliness of

deportment which was so remarkably her own, up to the great Elijah

Pogram. It was (as the shrill boy cried out in an ecstasy) quite

the Last Scene from Coriolanus. One of the L. L.'s wore a brown

wig of uncommon size. Sticking on the forehead of the other,

by invisible means, was a massive cameo, in size and shape like

the raspberry tart which is ordinarily sold for a penny,

representing on its front the Capitol at Washington.

 

'Miss Toppit, and Miss Codger!' said Mrs Hominy.

 

'Codger's the lady so often mentioned in the English newspapers I

should think, sir,' whispered Mark. 'The oldest inhabitant as never

remembers anything.'

 

'To be presented to a Pogram,' said Miss Codger, 'by a Hominy,

indeed, a thrilling moment is it in its impressiveness on what we

call our feelings. But why we call them so, or why impressed they

are, or if impressed they are at all, or if at all we are, or if

there really is, oh gasping one! a Pogram or a Hominy, or any active

principle to which we give those titles, is a topic, Spirit

searching, light abandoned, much too vast to enter on, at this

unlooked-for crisis.'

 

'Mind and matter,' said the lady in the wig, 'glide swift into the

vortex of immensity. Howls the sublime, and softly sleeps the calm

Ideal, in the whispering chambers of Imagination. To hear it, sweet

it is. But then, outlaughs the stern philosopher, and saith to the

Grotesque, "What ho! arrest for me that Agency. Go, bring it here!"

And so the vision fadeth.'

 

After this, they both took Mr Pogram by the hand, and pressed it to

their lips, as a patriotic palm. That homage paid, the mother of

the modern Gracchi called for chairs, and the three literary ladies

went to work in earnest, to bring poor Pogram out, and make him show

himself in all his brilliant colours.

 

How Pogram got out of his depth instantly, and how the three L. L.'s

were never in theirs, is a piece of history not worth recording.

Suffice it, that being all four out of their depths, and all unable

to swim, they splashed up words in all directions, and floundered

about famously. On the whole, it was considered to have been the

severest mental exercise ever heard in the National Hotel. Tears

stood in the shrill boy's eyes several times; and the whole company

observed that their heads ached with the effort--as well they might.

 

When it at last became necessary to release Elijah Pogram from the

corner, and the Committee saw him safely back again to the next

room, they were fervent in their admiration.

 

'Which,' said Mr Buffum, 'must have vent, or it will bust. Toe you,

Mr Pogram, I am grateful. Toe-wards you, sir, I am inspired with

lofty veneration, and with deep e-mo-tion. The sentiment Toe which

I would propose to give ex-pression, sir, is this: "May you ever be

as firm, sir, as your marble statter! May it ever be as great a

terror Toe its ene-mies as you."'

 

There is some reason to suppose that it was rather terrible to its

friends; being a statue of the Elevated or Goblin School, in which

the Honourable Elijah Pogram was represented as in a very high wind,

with his hair all standing on end, and his nostrils blown wide open.

But Mr Pogram thanked his friend and countryman for the aspiration

to which he had given utterance, and the Committee, after another

solemn shaking of hands, retired to bed, except the Doctor; who

immediately repaired to the newspaper-office, and there wrote a

short poem suggested by the events of the evening, beginning with

fourteen stars, and headed, 'A Fragment. Suggested by witnessing

the Honourable Elijah Pogram engaged in a philosophical disputation

with three of Columbia's fairest daughters. By Doctor Ginery

Dunkle. Of Troy.'

 

If Pogram was as glad to get to bed as Martin was, he must have been

well rewarded for his labours. They started off again next day

(Martin and Mark previously disposing of their goods to the

storekeepers of whom they had purchased them, for anything they

would bring), and were fellow travellers to within a short distance

of New York. When Pogram was about to leave them he grew

thoughtful, and after pondering for some time, took Martin aside.

 

'We air going to part, sir,' said Pogram.

 

'Pray don't distress yourself,' said Martin; 'we must bear it.'

 

'It ain't that, sir,' returned Pogram, 'not at all. But I should

wish you to accept a copy of My oration.'

 

'Thank you,' said Martin, 'you are very good. I shall be most

happy.'

 

'It ain't quite that, sir, neither,' resumed Pogram; 'air you bold

enough to introduce a copy into your country?'

 

'Certainly,' said Martin. 'Why not?'

 

'Its sentiments air strong, sir,' hinted Pogram, darkly.

 

'That makes no difference,' said Martin. 'I'll take a dozen if you

like.'

 

'No, sir,' retorted Pogram. 'Not A dozen. That is more than I

require. If you are content to run the hazard, sir, here is one for

your Lord Chancellor,' producing it, 'and one for Your principal

Secretary of State. I should wish them to see it, sir, as

expressing what my opinions air. That they may not plead ignorance

at a future time. But don't get into danger, sir, on my account!'

 

'There is not the least danger, I assure you,' said Martin. So he

put the pamphlets in his pocket, and they parted.

 

Mr Bevan had written in his letter that, at a certain time, which

fell out happily just then, he would be at a certain hotel in the

city, anxiously expecting to see them. To this place they repaired

without a moment's delay. They had the satisfaction of finding him

within; and of being received by their good friend, with his own

warmth and heartiness.

 

'I am truly sorry and ashamed,' said Martin, 'to have begged of you.

But look at us. See what we are, and judge to what we are reduced!'

 

'So far from claiming to have done you any service,' returned the

other, 'I reproach myself with having been, unwittingly, the

original cause of your misfortunes. I no more supposed you would go

to Eden on such representations as you received; or, indeed, that

you would do anything but be dispossessed, by the readiest means, of

your idea that fortunes were so easily made here; than I thought of

going to Eden myself.'

 

'The fact is, I closed with the thing in a mad and sanguine manner,'

said Martin, 'and the less said about it the better for me. Mark,

here, hadn't a voice in the matter.'

 

'Well! but he hadn't a voice in any other matter, had he?' returned

Mr Bevan; laughing with an air that showed his understanding of Mark

and Martin too.

 

'Not a very powerful one, I am afraid,' said Martin with a blush.

'But live and learn, Mr Bevan! Nearly die and learn; we learn the

quicker.'

 

'Now,' said their friend, 'about your plans. You mean to return

home at once?'

 

'Oh, I think so,' returned Martin hastily, for he turned pale at the

thought of any other suggestion. 'That is your opinion too, I

hope?'

 

'Unquestionably. For I don't know why you ever came here; though

it's not such an unusual case, I am sorry to say, that we need go

any farther into that. You don't know that the ship in which you

came over with our friend General Fladdock, is in port, of course?'

 

'Indeed!' said Martin.

 

'Yes. And is advertised to sail to-morrow.'

 

This was tempting news, but tantalising too; for Martin knew that

his getting any employment on board a ship of that class was

hopeless. The money in his pocket would not pay one-fourth of the

sum he had already borrowed, and if it had been enough for their

passage-money, he could hardly have resolved to spend it. He

explained this to Mr Bevan, and stated what their project was.

 

'Why, that's as wild as Eden every bit,' returned his friend. 'You

must take your passage like a Christian; at least, as like a

Christian as a fore-cabin passenger can; and owe me a few more

dollars than you intend. If Mark will go down to the ship and see

what passengers there are, and finds that you can go in her without

being actually suffocated, my advice is, go! You and I will look

about us in the meantime (we won't call at the Norris's unless you

like), and we will all three dine together in the afternoon.'

 

Martin had nothing to express but gratitude, and so it was arranged.

But he went out of the room after Mark, and advised him to take

their passage in the Screw, though they lay upon the bare deck;

which Mr Tapley, who needed no entreaty on the subject readily

promised to do.

 

When he and Martin met again, and were alone, he was in high

spirits, and evidently had something to communicate, in which he

gloried very much.

 

'I've done Mr Bevan, sir,' said Mark.

 

'Done Mr Bevan!' repeated Martin.

 

'The cook of the Screw went and got married yesterday, sir,' said Mr

Tapley.

 

Martin looked at him for farther explanation.

 

'And when I got on board, and the word was passed that it was me,'

said Mark, 'the mate he comes and asks me whether I'd engage to take

this said cook's place upon the passage home. "For you're used to

it," he says; "you were always a-cooking for everybody on your

passage out." And so I was,' said Mark, 'although I never cooked

before, I'll take my oath.'

 

'What did you say?' demanded Martin.

 

'Say!' cried Mark. 'That I'd take anything I could get. "If that's

so," says the mate, "why, bring a glass of rum;" which they brought

according. And my wages, sir,' said Mark in high glee, 'pays your

passage; and I've put the rolling-pin in your berth to take it (it's

the easy one up in the corner); and there we are, Rule Britannia,

and Britons strike home!'

 

'There never was such a good fellow as you are!' cried Martin

seizing him by the hand. 'But what do you mean by "doing" Mr Bevan,

Mark?'

 

'Why, don't you see?' said Mark. 'We don't tell him, you know. We

take his money, but we don't spend it, and we don't keep it. What

we do is, write him a little note, explaining this engagement, and

roll it up, and leave it at the bar, to be given to him after we are

gone. Don't you see?'

 

Martin's delight in this idea was not inferior to Mark's. It was

all done as he proposed. They passed a cheerful evening; slept at

the hotel; left the letter as arranged; and went off to the ship

betimes next morning, with such light hearts as the weight of their

past miseries engendered.

 

'Good-bye! a hundred thousand times good-bye!' said Martin to their

friend. 'How shall I remember all your kindness! How shall I ever

thank you!'

 

'If you ever become a rich man, or a powerful one,' returned his

friend, 'you shall try to make your Government more careful of its

subjects when they roam abroad to live. Tell it what you know of

emigration in your own case, and impress upon it how much suffering

may be prevented with a little pains!'

 

Cheerily, lads, cheerily! Anchor weighed. Ship in full sail. Her

sturdy bowsprit pointing true to England. America a cloud upon the

sea behind them!

 

'Why, Cook! what are you thinking of so steadily?' said Martin.

 

'Why, I was a-thinking, sir,' returned Mark, 'that if I was a

painter and was called upon to paint the American Eagle, how should

I do it?'

 

'Paint it as like an Eagle as you could, I suppose.'

 

'No,' said Mark. 'That wouldn't do for me, sir. I should want to

draw it like a Bat, for its short-sightedness; like a Bantam, for

its bragging; like a Magpie, for its honesty; like a Peacock, for

its vanity; like a ostrich, for its putting its head in the mud, and

thinking nobody sees it--'

 

'And like a Phoenix, for its power of springing from the ashes of

its faults and vices, and soaring up anew into the sky!' said

Martin. 'Well, Mark. Let us hope so.' _

Read next: CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

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