CHAPTER FOUR

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_ FROM WHICH IT WILL APPEAR THAT IF UNION BE STRENGTH,
AND FAMILY AFFECTION BE PLEASANT TO CONTEMPLATE, THE
CHUZZLEWITS WERE THE STRONGEST AND MOST AGREEABLE
FAMILY IN THE WORLD

That worthy man Mr Pecksniff having taken leave of his cousin in

the solemn terms recited in the last chapter, withdrew to his own

home, and remained there three whole days; not so much as going out

for a walk beyond the boundaries of his own garden, lest he should

be hastily summoned to the bedside of his penitent and remorseful

relative, whom, in his ample benevolence, he had made up his mind to

forgive unconditionally, and to love on any terms. But such was the

obstinacy and such the bitter nature of that stern old man, that no

repentant summons came; and the fourth day found Mr Pecksniff

apparently much farther from his Christian object than the first.

 

During the whole of this interval, he haunted the Dragon at all

times and seasons in the day and night, and, returning good for evil

evinced the deepest solicitude in the progress of the obdurate

invalid, in so much that Mrs Lupin was fairly melted by his

disinterested anxiety (for he often particularly required her to

take notice that he would do the same by any stranger or pauper in

the like condition), and shed many tears of admiration and delight.

 

Meantime, old Martin Chuzzlewit remained shut up in his own chamber,

and saw no person but his young companion, saving the hostess of the

Blue Dragon, who was, at certain times, admitted to his presence.

So surely as she came into the room, however, Martin feigned to fall

asleep. It was only when he and the young lady were alone, that he

would utter a word, even in answer to the simplest inquiry; though

Mr Pecksniff could make out, by hard listening at the door, that

they two being left together, he was talkative enough.

 

It happened on the fourth evening, that Mr Pecksniff walking, as

usual, into the bar of the Dragon and finding no Mrs Lupin there,

went straight upstairs; purposing, in the fervour of his

affectionate zeal, to apply his ear once more to the keyhole, and

quiet his mind by assuring himself that the hard-hearted patient was

going on well. It happened that Mr Pecksniff, coming softly upon

the dark passage into which a spiral ray of light usually darted

through the same keyhole, was astonished to find no such ray

visible; and it happened that Mr Pecksniff, when he had felt his way

to the chamber-door, stooping hurriedly down to ascertain by

personal inspection whether the jealousy of the old man had caused

this keyhole to be stopped on the inside, brought his head into such

violent contact with another head that he could not help uttering in

an audible voice the monosyllable 'Oh!' which was, as it were,

sharply unscrewed and jerked out of him by very anguish. It

happened then, and lastly, that Mr Pecksniff found himself

immediately collared by something which smelt like several damp

umbrellas, a barrel of beer, a cask of warm brandy-and-water, and a

small parlour-full of stale tobacco smoke, mixed; and was

straightway led downstairs into the bar from which he had lately

come, where he found himself standing opposite to, and in the grasp

of, a perfectly strange gentleman of still stranger appearance who,

with his disengaged hand, rubbed his own head very hard, and looked

at him, Pecksniff, with an evil countenance.

 

The gentleman was of that order of appearance which is currently

termed shabby-genteel, though in respect of his dress he can hardly

be said to have been in any extremities, as his fingers were a long

way out of his gloves, and the soles of his feet were at an

inconvenient distance from the upper leather of his boots. His

nether garments were of a bluish grey--violent in its colours once,

but sobered now by age and dinginess--and were so stretched and

strained in a tough conflict between his braces and his straps, that

they appeared every moment in danger of flying asunder at the knees.

His coat, in colour blue and of a military cut, was buttoned and

frogged up to his chin. His cravat was, in hue and pattern, like

one of those mantles which hairdressers are accustomed to wrap about

their clients, during the progress of the professional mysteries.

His hat had arrived at such a pass that it would have been hard to

determine whether it was originally white or black. But he wore a

moustache--a shaggy moustache too; nothing in the meek and merciful

way, but quite in the fierce and scornful style; the regular Satanic

sort of thing--and he wore, besides, a vast quantity of unbrushed

hair. He was very dirty and very jaunty; very bold and very mean;

very swaggering and very slinking; very much like a man who might

have been something better, and unspeakably like a man who deserved

to be something worse.

 

'You were eaves-dropping at that door, you vagabond!' said this

gentleman.

 

Mr Pecksniff cast him off, as Saint George might have repudiated the

Dragon in that animal's last moments, and said:

 

'Where is Mrs Lupin, I wonder! can the good woman possibly be aware

that there is a person here who--'

 

'Stay!' said the gentleman. 'Wait a bit. She DOES know. What

then?'

 

'What then, sir?' cried Mr Pecksniff. 'What then? Do you know,

sir, that I am the friend and relative of that sick gentleman? That

I am his protector, his guardian, his--'

 

'Not his niece's husband,' interposed the stranger, 'I'll be sworn;

for he was there before you.'

 

'What do you mean?' said Mr Pecksniff, with indignant surprise.

'What do you tell me, sir?'

 

'Wait a bit!' cried the other, 'Perhaps you are a cousin--the cousin

who lives in this place?'

 

'I AM the cousin who lives in this place,' replied the man of worth.

 

'Your name is Pecksniff?' said the gentleman.

 

'It is.'

 

'I am proud to know you, and I ask your pardon,' said the gentleman,

touching his hat, and subsequently diving behind his cravat for a

shirt-collar, which however he did not succeed in bringing to the

surface. 'You behold in me, sir, one who has also an interest in

that gentleman upstairs. Wait a bit.'

 

As he said this, he touched the tip of his high nose, by way of

intimation that he would let Mr Pecksniff into a secret presently;

and pulling off his hat, began to search inside the crown among a

mass of crumpled documents and small pieces of what may be called

the bark of broken cigars; whence he presently selected the cover of

an old letter, begrimed with dirt and redolent of tobacco.

 

'Read that,' he cried, giving it to Mr Pecksniff.

 

'This is addressed to Chevy Slyme, Esquire,' said that gentleman.

 

'You know Chevy Slyme, Esquire, I believe?' returned the stranger.

 

Mr Pecksniff shrugged his shoulders as though he would say 'I know

there is such a person, and I am sorry for it.'

 

'Very good,' remarked the gentleman. 'That is my interest and

business here.' With that he made another dive for his shirt-collar

and brought up a string.

 

'Now, this is very distressing, my friend,' said Mr Pecksniff,

shaking his head and smiling composedly. 'It is very distressing to

me, to be compelled to say that you are not the person you claim to

be. I know Mr Slyme, my friend; this will not do; honesty is the

best policy you had better not; you had indeed.'

 

'Stop' cried the gentleman, stretching forth his right arm, which

was so tightly wedged into his threadbare sleeve that it looked like

a cloth sausage. 'Wait a bit!'

 

He paused to establish himself immediately in front of the fire with

his back towards it. Then gathering the skirts of his coat under

his left arm, and smoothing his moustache with his right thumb and

forefinger, he resumed:

 

'I understand your mistake, and I am not offended. Why? Because

it's complimentary. You suppose I would set myself up for Chevy

Slyme. Sir, if there is a man on earth whom a gentleman would feel

proud and honoured to be mistaken for, that man is my friend Slyme.

For he is, without an exception, the highest-minded, the most

independent-spirited, most original, spiritual, classical, talented,

the most thoroughly Shakspearian, if not Miltonic, and at the same

time the most disgustingly-unappreciated dog I know. But, sir, I

have not the vanity to attempt to pass for Slyme. Any other man in

the wide world, I am equal to; but Slyme is, I frankly confess, a

great many cuts above me. Therefore you are wrong.'

 

'I judged from this,' said Mr Pecksniff, holding out the cover of

the letter.

 

'No doubt you did,' returned the gentleman. 'But, Mr Pecksniff, the

whole thing resolves itself into an instance of the peculiarities of

genius. Every man of true genius has his peculiarity. Sir, the

peculiarity of my friend Slyme is, that he is always waiting round

the corner. He is perpetually round the corner, sir. He is round

the corner at this instant. Now,' said the gentleman, shaking his

forefinger before his nose, and planting his legs wider apart as he

looked attentively in Mr Pecksniff's face, 'that is a remarkably

curious and interesting trait in Mr Slyme's character; and whenever

Slyme's life comes to be written, that trait must be thoroughly

worked out by his biographer or society will not be satisfied.

Observe me, society will not be satisfied!'

 

Mr Pecksniff coughed.

 

'Slyme's biographer, sir, whoever he may be,' resumed the gentleman,

'must apply to me; or, if I am gone to that what's-his-name from

which no thingumbob comes back, he must apply to my executors for

leave to search among my papers. I have taken a few notes in my

poor way, of some of that man's proceedings--my adopted brother,

sir,--which would amaze you. He made use of an expression, sir,

only on the fifteenth of last month when he couldn't meet a little

bill and the other party wouldn't renew, which would have done

honour to Napoleon Bonaparte in addressing the French army.'

 

'And pray,' asked Mr Pecksniff, obviously not quite at his ease,

'what may be Mr Slyme's business here, if I may be permitted to

inquire, who am compelled by a regard for my own character to

disavow all interest in his proceedings?'

 

'In the first place,' returned the gentleman, 'you will permit me to

say, that I object to that remark, and that I strongly and

indignantly protest against it on behalf of my friend Slyme. In the

next place, you will give me leave to introduce myself. My name,

sir, is Tigg. The name of Montague Tigg will perhaps be familiar to

you, in connection with the most remarkable events of the Peninsular

War?'

 

Mr Pecksniff gently shook his head.

 

'No matter,' said the gentleman. 'That man was my father, and I

bear his name. I am consequently proud--proud as Lucifer. Excuse

me one moment. I desire my friend Slyme to be present at the

remainder of this conference.'

 

With this announcement he hurried away to the outer door of the Blue

Dragon, and almost immediately returned with a companion shorter

than himself, who was wrapped in an old blue camlet cloak with a

lining of faded scarlet. His sharp features being much pinched and

nipped by long waiting in the cold, and his straggling red whiskers

and frowzy hair being more than usually dishevelled from the same

cause, he certainly looked rather unwholesome and uncomfortable than

Shakspearian or Miltonic.

 

'Now,' said Mr Tigg, clapping one hand on the shoulder of his

prepossessing friend, and calling Mr Pecksniff's attention to him

with the other, 'you two are related; and relations never did agree,

and never will; which is a wise dispensation and an inevitable

thing, or there would be none but family parties, and everybody in

the world would bore everybody else to death. If you were on good

terms, I should consider you a most confoundedly unnatural pair; but

standing towards each other as you do, I took upon you as a couple

of devilish deep-thoughted fellows, who may be reasoned with to any

extent.'

 

Here Mr Chevy Slyme, whose great abilities seemed one and all to

point towards the sneaking quarter of the moral compass, nudged his

friend stealthily with his elbow, and whispered in his ear.

 

'Chiv,' said Mr Tigg aloud, in the high tone of one who was not to

be tampered with. 'I shall come to that presently. I act upon my

own responsibility, or not at all. To the extent of such a trifling

loan as a crownpiece to a man of your talents, I look upon Mr

Pecksniff as certain;' and seeing at this juncture that the

expression of Mr Pecksniff's face by no means betokened that he

shared this certainty, Mr Tigg laid his finger on his nose again for

that gentleman's private and especial behoof; calling upon him

thereby to take notice that the requisition of small loans was

another instance of the peculiarities of genius as developed in his

friend Slyme; that he, Tigg, winked at the same, because of the

strong metaphysical interest which these weaknesses possessed; and

that in reference to his own personal advocacy of such small

advances, he merely consulted the humour of his friend, without the

least regard to his own advantage or necessities.

 

'Oh, Chiv, Chiv!' added Mr Tigg, surveying his adopted brother with

an air of profound contemplation after dismissing this piece of

pantomime. 'You are, upon my life, a strange instance of the little

frailties that beset a mighty mind. If there had never been a

telescope in the world, I should have been quite certain from my

observation of you, Chiv, that there were spots on the sun! I wish I

may die, if this isn't the queerest state of existence that we find

ourselves forced into without knowing why or wherefore, Mr

Pecksniff! Well, never mind! Moralise as we will, the world goes on.

As Hamlet says, Hercules may lay about him with his club in every

possible direction, but he can't prevent the cats from making a most

intolerable row on the roofs of the houses, or the dogs from being

shot in the hot weather if they run about the streets unmuzzled.

Life's a riddle; a most infernally hard riddle to guess, Mr

Pecksniff. My own opinions, that like that celebrated conundrum,

"Why's a man in jail like a man out of jail?" there's no answer to

it. Upon my soul and body, it's the queerest sort of thing

altogether--but there's no use in talking about it. Ha! Ha!'

 

With which consolatory deduction from the gloomy premises recited,

Mr Tigg roused himself by a great effort, and proceeded in his

former strain.

 

'Now I'll tell you what it is. I'm a most confoundedly soft-hearted

kind of fellow in my way, and I cannot stand by, and see you two

blades cutting each other's throats when there's nothing to be got

by it. Mr Pecksniff, you're the cousin of the testator upstairs

and we're the nephew--I say we, meaning Chiv. Perhaps in all

essential points you are more nearly related to him than we are.

Very good. If so, so be it. But you can't get at him, neither can

we. I give you my brightest word of honour, sir, that I've been

looking through that keyhole with short intervals of rest, ever

since nine o'clock this morning, in expectation of receiving an

answer to one of the most moderate and gentlemanly applications for

a little temporary assistance--only fifteen pounds, and MY security

--that the mind of man can conceive. In the meantime, sir, he is

perpetually closeted with, and pouring his whole confidence into the

bosom of, a stranger. Now I say decisively with regard to this

state of circumstances, that it won't do; that it won't act; that it

can't be; and that it must not be suffered to continue.'

 

'Every man,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'has a right, an undoubted right,

(which I, for one, would not call in question for any earthly

consideration; oh no!) to regulate his own proceedings by his own

likings and dislikings, supposing they are not immoral and not

irreligious. I may feel in my own breast, that Mr Chuzzlewit does

not regard--me, for instance; say me--with exactly that amount of

Christian love which should subsist between us. I may feel grieved

and hurt at the circumstance; still I may not rush to the conclusion

that Mr Chuzzlewit is wholly without a justification in all his

coldnesses. Heaven forbid! Besides; how, Mr Tigg,' continued

Pecksniff even more gravely and impressively than he had spoken yet,

'how could Mr Chuzzlewit be prevented from having these peculiar and

most extraordinary confidences of which you speak; the existence of

which I must admit; and which I cannot but deplore--for his sake?

Consider, my good sir--' and here Mr Pecksniff eyed him wistfully--

'how very much at random you are talking.'

 

'Why, as to that,' rejoined Tigg, 'it certainly is a difficult

question.'

 

'Undoubtedly it is a difficult question,' Mr Pecksniff answered. As

he spoke he drew himself aloft, and seemed to grow more mindful,

suddenly, of the moral gulf between himself and the creature he

addressed. 'Undoubtedly it is a very difficult question. And I am

far from feeling sure that it is a question any one is authorized to

discuss. Good evening to you.'

 

'You don't know that the Spottletoes are here, I suppose?' said Mr

Tigg.

 

'What do you mean, sir? what Spottletoes?' asked Pecksniff,

stopping abruptly on his way to the door.

 

'Mr and Mrs Spottletoe,' said Chevy Slyme, Esquire, speaking aloud

for the first time, and speaking very sulkily; shambling with his

legs the while. 'Spottletoe married my father's brother's child,

didn't he? And Mrs Spottletoe is Chuzzlewit's own niece, isn't she?

She was his favourite once. You may well ask what Spottletoes.'

 

'Now upon my sacred word!' cried Mr Pecksniff, looking upwards.

'This is dreadful. The rapacity of these people is absolutely

frightful!'

 

'It's not only the Spottletoes either, Tigg,' said Slyme, looking at

that gentleman and speaking at Mr Pecksniff. 'Anthony Chuzzlewit

and his son have got wind of it, and have come down this afternoon.

I saw 'em not five minutes ago, when I was waiting round the

corner.'

 

'Oh, Mammon, Mammon!' cried Mr Pecksniff, smiting his forehead.

 

'So there,' said Slyme, regardless of the interruption, 'are his

brother and another nephew for you, already.'

 

'This is the whole thing, sir,' said Mr Tigg; 'this is the point and

purpose at which I was gradually arriving when my friend Slyme here,

with six words, hit it full. Mr Pecksniff, now that your cousin

(and Chiv's uncle) has turned up, some steps must be taken to

prevent his disappearing again; and, if possible, to counteract the

influence which is exercised over him now, by this designing

favourite. Everybody who is interested feels it, sir. The whole

family is pouring down to this place. The time has come when

individual jealousies and interests must be forgotten for a time,

sir, and union must be made against the common enemy. When the

common enemy is routed, you will all set up for yourselves again;

every lady and gentleman who has a part in the game, will go in on

their own account and bowl away, to the best of their ability, at

the testator's wicket, and nobody will be in a worse position than

before. Think of it. Don't commit yourself now. You'll find us at

the Half Moon and Seven Stars in this village, at any time, and open

to any reasonable proposition. Hem! Chiv, my dear fellow, go out

and see what sort of a night it is.'

 

Mr Slyme lost no time in disappearing, and it is to be presumed in

going round the corner. Mr Tigg, planting his legs as wide apart as

he could be reasonably expected by the most sanguine man to keep

them, shook his head at Mr Pecksniff and smiled.

 

'We must not be too hard,' he said, 'upon the little eccentricities

of our friend Slyme. You saw him whisper me?'

 

Mr Pecksniff had seen him.

 

'You heard my answer, I think?'

 

Mr Pecksniff had heard it.

 

'Five shillings, eh?' said Mr Tigg, thoughtfully. 'Ah! what an

extraordinary fellow! Very moderate too!'

 

Mr Pecksniff made no answer.

 

'Five shillings!' pursued Mr Tigg, musing; 'and to be punctually

repaid next week; that's the best of it. You heard that?'

 

Mr Pecksniff had not heard that.

 

'No! You surprise me!' cried Tigg. 'That's the cream of the thing

sir. I never knew that man fail to redeem a promise, in my life.

You're not in want of change, are you?'

 

'No,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'thank you. Not at all.'

 

'Just so,' returned Mr Tigg. 'If you had been, I'd have got it for

you.' With that he began to whistle; but a dozen seconds had not

elapsed when he stopped short, and looking earnestly at Mr

Pecksniff, said:

 

'Perhaps you'd rather not lend Slyme five shillings?'

 

'I would much rather not,' Mr Pecksniff rejoined.

 

'Egad!' cried Tigg, gravely nodding his head as if some ground of

objection occurred to him at that moment for the first time, 'it's

very possible you may be right. Would you entertain the same sort

of objection to lending me five shillings now?'

 

'Yes, I couldn't do it, indeed,' said Mr Pecksniff.

 

'Not even half-a-crown, perhaps?' urged Mr Tigg.

 

'Not even half-a-crown.'

 

'Why, then we come,' said Mr Tigg, 'to the ridiculously small amount

of eighteen pence. Ha! ha!'

 

'And that,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'would be equally objectionable.'

 

On receipt of this assurance, Mr Tigg shook him heartily by both

hands, protesting with much earnestness, that he was one of the most

consistent and remarkable men he had ever met, and that he desired

the honour of his better acquaintance. He moreover observed that

there were many little characteristics about his friend Slyme, of

which he could by no means, as a man of strict honour, approve; but

that he was prepared to forgive him all these slight drawbacks, and

much more, in consideration of the great pleasure he himself had

that day enjoyed in his social intercourse with Mr Pecksniff, which

had given him a far higher and more enduring delight than the

successful negotiation of any small loan on the part of his friend

could possibly have imparted. With which remarks he would beg

leave, he said, to wish Mr Pecksniff a very good evening. And so he

took himself off; as little abashed by his recent failure as any

gentleman would desire to be.

 

The meditations of Mr Pecksniff that evening at the bar of the

Dragon, and that night in his own house, were very serious and grave

indeed; the more especially as the intelligence he had received from

Messrs Tigg and Slyme touching the arrival of other members of the

family, were fully confirmed on more particular inquiry. For the

Spottletoes had actually gone straight to the Dragon, where they

were at that moment housed and mounting guard, and where their

appearance had occasioned such a vast sensation that Mrs Lupin,

scenting their errand before they had been under her roof half an

hour, carried the news herself with all possible secrecy straight to

Mr Pecksniff's house; indeed it was her great caution in doing so

which occasioned her to miss that gentleman, who entered at the

front door of the Dragon just as she emerged from the back one.

Moreover, Mr Anthony Chuzzlewit and his son Jonas were economically

quartered at the Half Moon and Seven Stars, which was an obscure

ale-house; and by the very next coach there came posting to the

scene of action, so many other affectionate members of the family

(who quarrelled with each other, inside and out, all the way down,

to the utter distraction of the coachman), that in less than four-

and-twenty hours the scanty tavern accommodation was at a premium,

and all the private lodgings in the place, amounting to full four

beds and sofa, rose cent per cent in the market.

 

In a word, things came to that pass that nearly the whole family sat

down before the Blue Dragon, and formally invested it; and Martin

Chuzzlewit was in a state of siege. But he resisted bravely;

refusing to receive all letters, messages, and parcels; obstinately

declining to treat with anybody; and holding out no hope or promise

of capitulation. Meantime the family forces were perpetually

encountering each other in divers parts of the neighbourhood; and,

as no one branch of the Chuzzlewit tree had ever been known to agree

with another within the memory of man, there was such a skirmishing,

and flouting, and snapping off of heads, in the metaphorical sense

of that expression; such a bandying of words and calling of names;

such an upturning of noses and wrinkling of brows; such a formal

interment of good feelings and violent resurrection of ancient

grievances; as had never been known in those quiet parts since the

earliest record of their civilized existence.

 

At length, in utter despair and hopelessness, some few of the

belligerents began to speak to each other in only moderate terms of

mutual aggravation; and nearly all addressed themselves with a show

of tolerable decency to Mr Pecksniff, in recognition of his high

character and influential position. Thus, by little and little, they

made common cause of Martin Chuzzlewit's obduracy, until it was

agreed (if such a word can be used in connection with the

Chuzzlewits) that there should be a general council and conference

held at Mr Pecksniff's house upon a certain day at noon; which all

members of the family who had brought themselves within reach of the

summons, were forthwith bidden and invited, solemnly, to attend.

 

If ever Mr Pecksniff wore an apostolic look, he wore it on this

memorable day. If ever his unruffled smile proclaimed the words, 'I

am a messenger of peace!' that was its mission now. If ever man

combined within himself all the mild qualities of the lamb with a

considerable touch of the dove, and not a dash of the crocodile, or

the least possible suggestion of the very mildest seasoning of the

serpent, that man was he. And, oh, the two Miss Pecksniffs! Oh, the

serene expression on the face of Charity, which seemed to say, 'I

know that all my family have injured me beyond the possibility of

reparation, but I forgive them, for it is my duty so to do!' And,

oh, the gay simplicity of Mercy; so charming, innocent, and infant-

like, that if she had gone out walking by herself, and it had been a

little earlier in the season, the robin-redbreasts might have

covered her with leaves against her will, believing her to be one of

the sweet children in the wood, come out of it, and issuing forth

once more to look for blackberries in the young freshness of her

heart! What words can paint the Pecksniffs in that trying hour? Oh,

none; for words have naughty company among them, and the Pecksniffs

were all goodness.

 

But when the company arrived! That was the time. When Mr Pecksniff,

rising from his seat at the table's head, with a daughter on either

hand, received his guests in the best parlour and motioned them to

chairs, with eyes so overflowing and countenance so damp with

gracious perspiration, that he may be said to have been in a kind of

moist meekness! And the company; the jealous stony-hearted

distrustful company, who were all shut up in themselves, and had no

faith in anybody, and wouldn't believe anything, and would no more

allow themselves to be softened or lulled asleep by the Pecksniffs

than if they had been so many hedgehogs or porcupines!

 

First, there was Mr Spottletoe, who was so bald and had such big

whiskers, that he seemed to have stopped his hair, by the sudden

application of some powerful remedy, in the very act of falling off

his head, and to have fastened it irrevocably on his face. Then

there was Mrs Spottletoe, who being much too slim for her years, and

of a poetical constitution, was accustomed to inform her more

intimate friends that the said whiskers were 'the lodestar of her

existence;' and who could now, by reason of her strong affection for

her uncle Chuzzlewit, and the shock it gave her to be suspected of

testamentary designs upon him, do nothing but cry--except moan.

Then there were Anthony Chuzzlewit, and his son Jonas; the face of

the old man so sharpened by the wariness and cunning of his life,

that it seemed to cut him a passage through the crowded room, as he

edged away behind the remotest chairs; while the son had so well

profited by the precept and example of the father, that he looked a

year or two the elder of the twain, as they stood winking their red

eyes, side by side, and whispering to each other softly. Then there

was the widow of a deceased brother of Mr Martin Chuzzlewit, who

being almost supernaturally disagreeable, and having a dreary face

and a bony figure and a masculine voice, was, in right of these

qualities, what is commonly called a strong-minded woman; and who,

if she could, would have established her claim to the title, and

have shown herself, mentally speaking, a perfect Samson, by shutting

up her brother-in-law in a private madhouse, until he proved his

complete sanity by loving her very much. Beside her sat her

spinster daughters, three in number, and of gentlemanly deportment,

who had so mortified themselves with tight stays, that their tempers

were reduced to something less than their waists, and sharp lacing

was expressed in their very noses. Then there was a young

gentleman, grandnephew of Mr Martin Chuzzlewit, very dark and very

hairy, and apparently born for no particular purpose but to save

looking-glasses the trouble of reflecting more than just the first

idea and sketchy notion of a face, which had never been carried out.

Then there was a solitary female cousin who was remarkable for

nothing but being very deaf, and living by herself, and always

having the toothache. Then there was George Chuzzlewit, a gay

bachelor cousin, who claimed to be young but had been younger, and

was inclined to corpulency, and rather overfed himself; to that

extent, indeed, that his eyes were strained in their sockets, as if

with constant surprise; and he had such an obvious disposition to

pimples, that the bright spots on his cravat, the rich pattern on

his waistcoat, and even his glittering trinkets, seemed to have

broken out upon him, and not to have come into existence

comfortably. Last of all there were present Mr Chevy Slyme and his

friend Tigg. And it is worthy of remark, that although each person

present disliked the other, mainly because he or she DID belong to

the family, they one and all concurred in hating Mr Tigg because he

didn't.

 

Such was the pleasant little family circle now assembled in Mr

Pecksniff's best parlour, agreeably prepared to fall foul of Mr

Pecksniff or anybody else who might venture to say anything whatever

upon any subject.

 

'This,' said Mr Pecksniff, rising and looking round upon them with

folded hands, 'does me good. It does my daughters good. We thank

you for assembling here. We are grateful to you with our whole

hearts. It is a blessed distinction that you have conferred upon

us, and believe me'-- it is impossible to conceive how he smiled

here--'we shall not easily forget it.'

 

'I am sorry to interrupt you, Pecksniff,' remarked Mr Spottletoe,

with his whiskers in a very portentous state; 'but you are assuming

too much to yourself, sir. Who do you imagine has it in

contemplation to confer a distinction upon YOU, sir?'

 

A general murmur echoed this inquiry, and applauded it.

 

'If you are about to pursue the course with which you have begun,

sir,' pursued Mr Spottletoe in a great heat, and giving a violent

rap on the table with his knuckles, 'the sooner you desist, and this

assembly separates, the better. I am no stranger, sir, to your

preposterous desire to be regarded as the head of this family, but I

can tell YOU, sir--'

 

Oh yes, indeed! HE tell. HE! What? He was the head, was he? From

the strong-minded woman downwards everybody fell, that instant, upon

Mr Spottletoe, who after vainly attempting to be heard in silence

was fain to sit down again, folding his arms and shaking his head

most wrathfully, and giving Mrs Spottletoe to understand in dumb

show, that that scoundrel Pecksniff might go on for the present, but

he would cut in presently, and annihilate him.

 

'I am not sorry,' said Mr Pecksniff in resumption of his address, 'I

am really not sorry that this little incident has happened. It is

good to feel that we are met here without disguise. It is good to

know that we have no reserve before each other, but are appearing

freely in our own characters.'

 

Here, the eldest daughter of the strong-minded woman rose a little

way from her seat, and trembling violently from head to foot, more

as it seemed with passion than timidity, expressed a general hope

that some people WOULD appear in their own characters, if it were

only for such a proceeding having the attraction of novelty to

recommend it; and that when they (meaning the some people before

mentioned) talked about their relations, they would be careful to

observe who was present in company at the time; otherwise it might

come round to those relations' ears, in a way they little expected;

and as to red noses (she observed) she had yet to learn that a red

nose was any disgrace, inasmuch as people neither made nor coloured

their own noses, but had that feature provided for them without

being first consulted; though even upon that branch of the subject

she had great doubts whether certain noses were redder than other

noses, or indeed half as red as some. This remark being received

with a shrill titter by the two sisters of the speaker, Miss Charity

Pecksniff begged with much politeness to be informed whether any of

those very low observations were levelled at her; and receiving no

more explanatory answer than was conveyed in the adage 'Those the

cap fits, let them wear it,' immediately commenced a somewhat

acrimonious and personal retort, wherein she was much comforted and

abetted by her sister Mercy, who laughed at the same with great

heartiness; indeed far more naturally than life. And it being quite

impossible that any difference of opinion can take place among women

without every woman who is within hearing taking active part in it,

the strong-minded lady and her two daughters, and Mrs Spottletoe,

and the deaf cousin (who was not at all disqualified from joining in

the dispute by reason of being perfectly unacquainted with its

merits), one and all plunged into the quarrel directly.

 

The two Miss Pecksniffs being a pretty good match for the three Miss

Chuzzlewits, and all five young ladies having, in the figurative

language of the day, a great amount of steam to dispose of, the

altercation would no doubt have been a long one but for the high

valour and prowess of the strong-minded woman, who, in right of her

reputation for powers of sarcasm, did so belabour and pummel Mrs

Spottletoe with taunting words that the poor lady, before the

engagement was two minutes old, had no refuge but in tears. These

she shed so plentifully, and so much to the agitation and grief of

Mr Spottletoe, that that gentleman, after holding his clenched fist

close to Mr Pecksniff's eyes, as if it were some natural curiosity

from the near inspection whereof he was likely to derive high

gratification and improvement, and after offering (for no particular

reason that anybody could discover) to kick Mr George Chuzzlewit

for, and in consideration of, the trifling sum of sixpence, took his

wife under his arm and indignantly withdrew. This diversion, by

distracting the attention of the combatants, put an end to the

strife, which, after breaking out afresh some twice or thrice in

certain inconsiderable spurts and dashes, died away in silence.

 

It was then that Mr Pecksniff once more rose from his chair. It was

then that the two Miss Pecksniffs composed themselves to look as if

there were no such beings--not to say present, but in the whole

compass of the world--as the three Miss Chuzzlewits; while the three

Miss Chuzzlewits became equally unconscious of the existence of the

two Miss Pecksniffs.

 

'It is to be lamented,' said Mr Pecksniff, with a forgiving

recollection of Mr Spottletoe's fist, 'that our friend should have

withdrawn himself so very hastily, though we have cause for mutual

congratulation even in that, since we are assured that he is not

distrustful of us in regard to anything we may say or do while he is

absent. Now, that is very soothing, is it not?'

 

'Pecksniff,' said Anthony, who had been watching the whole party

with peculiar keenness from the first--'don't you be a hypocrite.'

 

'A what, my good sir?' demanded Mr Pecksniff.

 

'A hypocrite.'

 

'Charity, my dear,' said Mr Pecksniff, 'when I take my chamber

candlestick to-night, remind me to be more than usually particular

in praying for Mr Anthony Chuzzlewit; who has done me an injustice.'

 

This was said in a very bland voice, and aside, as being addressed

to his daughter's private ear. With a cheerfulness of conscience,

prompting almost a sprightly demeanour, he then resumed:

 

'All our thoughts centring in our very dear but unkind relative, and

he being as it were beyond our reach, we are met to-day, really as

if we were a funeral party, except--a blessed exception--that there

is no body in the house.'

 

The strong-minded lady was not at all sure that this was a blessed

exception. Quite the contrary.

 

'Well, my dear madam!' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Be that as it may, here

we are; and being here, we are to consider whether it is possible by

any justifiable means--'

 

'Why, you know as well as I,' said the strong-minded lady, 'that any

means are justifiable in such a case, don't you?'

 

'Very good, my dear madam, very good; whether it is possible by ANY

means, we will say by ANY means, to open the eyes of our valued

relative to his present infatuation. Whether it is possible to make

him acquainted by any means with the real character and purpose of

that young female whose strange, whose very strange position, in

reference to himself'--here Mr Pecksniff sunk his voice to an

impressive whisper--'really casts a shadow of disgrace and shame

upon this family; and who, we know'--here he raised his voice again

--'else why is she his companion? harbours the very basest designs

upon his weakness and his property.'

 

In their strong feeling on this point, they, who agreed in nothing

else, all concurred as one mind. Good Heaven, that she should

harbour designs upon his property! The strong-minded lady was for

poison, her three daughters were for Bridewell and bread-and-water,

the cousin with the toothache advocated Botany Bay, the two Miss

Pecksniffs suggested flogging. Nobody but Mr Tigg, who,

notwithstanding his extreme shabbiness, was still understood to be

in some sort a lady's man, in right of his upper lip and his frogs,

indicated a doubt of the justifiable nature of these measures; and

he only ogled the three Miss Chuzzlewits with the least admixture of

banter in his admiration, as though he would observe, 'You are

positively down upon her to too great an extent, my sweet creatures,

upon my soul you are!'

 

'Now,' said Mr Pecksniff, crossing his two forefingers in a manner

which was at once conciliatory and argumentative; 'I will not, upon

the one hand, go so far as to say that she deserves all the

inflictions which have been so very forcibly and hilariously

suggested;' one of his ornamental sentences; 'nor will I, upon the

other, on any account compromise my common understanding as a man,

by making the assertion that she does not. What I would observe is,

that I think some practical means might be devised of inducing our

respected, shall I say our revered--?'

 

'No!' interposed the strong-minded woman in a loud voice.

 

'Then I will not,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'You are quite right, my dear

madam, and I appreciate and thank you for your discriminating

objection--our respected relative, to dispose himself to listen to

the promptings of nature, and not to the--'

 

'Go on, Pa!' cried Mercy.

 

'Why, the truth is, my dear,' said Mr Pecksniff, smiling upon his

assembled kindred, 'that I am at a loss for a word. The name of

those fabulous animals (pagan, I regret to say) who used to sing in

the water, has quite escaped me.'

 

Mr George Chuzzlewit suggested 'swans.'

 

'No,' said Mr Pecksniff. 'Not swans. Very like swans, too. Thank

you.'

 

The nephew with the outline of a countenance, speaking for the first

and last time on that occasion, propounded 'Oysters.'

 

'No,' said Mr Pecksniff, with his own peculiar urbanity, 'nor

oysters. But by no means unlike oysters; a very excellent idea;

thank you, my dear sir, very much. Wait! Sirens. Dear me! sirens,

of course. I think, I say, that means might be devised of disposing

our respected relative to listen to the promptings of nature, and

not to the siren-like delusions of art. Now we must not lose sight

of the fact that our esteemed friend has a grandson, to whom he was,

until lately, very much attached, and whom I could have wished to

see here to-day, for I have a real and deep regard for him. A fine

young man. a very fine young man! I would submit to you, whether we

might not remove Mr Chuzzlewit's distrust of us, and vindicate our

own disinterestedness by--'

 

'If Mr George Chuzzlewit has anything to say to ME,' interposed the

strong-minded woman, sternly, 'I beg him to speak out like a man;

and not to look at me and my daughters as if he could eat us.'

 

'As to looking, I have heard it said, Mrs Ned,' returned Mr George,

angrily, 'that a cat is free to contemplate a monarch; and therefore

I hope I have some right, having been born a member of this family,

to look at a person who only came into it by marriage. As to

eating, I beg to say, whatever bitterness your jealousies and

disappointed expectations may suggest to you, that I am not a

cannibal, ma'am.'

 

'I don't know that!' cried the strong-minded woman.

 

'At all events, if I was a cannibal,' said Mr George Chuzzlewit,

greatly stimulated by this retort, 'I think it would occur to me

that a lady who had outlived three husbands, and suffered so very

little from their loss, must be most uncommonly tough.'

 

The strong-minded woman immediately rose.

 

'And I will further add,' said Mr George, nodding his head violently

at every second syllable; 'naming no names, and therefore hurting

nobody but those whose consciences tell them they are alluded to,

that I think it would be much more decent and becoming, if those who

hooked and crooked themselves into this family by getting on the

blind side of some of its members before marriage, and

manslaughtering them afterwards by crowing over them to that strong

pitch that they were glad to die, would refrain from acting the part

of vultures in regard to other members of this family who are

living. I think it would be full as well, if not better, if those

individuals would keep at home, contenting themselves with what they

have got (luckily for them) already; instead of hovering about, and

thrusting their fingers into, a family pie, which they flavour much

more than enough, I can tell them, when they are fifty miles away.'

 

'I might have been prepared for this!' cried the strong-minded

woman, looking about her with a disdainful smile as she moved

towards the door, followed by her three daughters. 'Indeed I was

fully prepared for it from the first. What else could I expect in

such an atmosphere as this!'

 

'Don't direct your halfpay-officers' gaze at me, ma'am, if you

please,' interposed Miss Charity; 'for I won't bear it.'

 

This was a smart stab at a pension enjoyed by the strong-minded

woman, during her second widowhood and before her last coverture.

It told immensely.

 

'I passed from the memory of a grateful country, you very miserable

minx,' said Mrs Ned, 'when I entered this family; and I feel now,

though I did not feel then, that it served me right, and that I lost

my claim upon the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland when I

so degraded myself. Now, my dears, if you're quite ready, and have

sufficiently improved yourselves by taking to heart the genteel

example of these two young ladies, I think we'll go. Mr Pecksniff,

we are very much obliged to you, really. We came to be entertained,

and you have far surpassed our utmost expectations, in the amusement

you have provided for us. Thank you. Good-bye!'

 

With such departing words, did this strong-minded female paralyse

the Pecksniffian energies; and so she swept out of the room, and out

of the house, attended by her daughters, who, as with one accord,

elevated their three noses in the air, and joined in a contemptuous

titter. As they passed the parlour window on the outside, they were

seen to counterfeit a perfect transport of delight among themselves;

and with this final blow and great discouragement for those within,

they vanished.

 

Before Mr Pecksniff or any of his remaining visitors could offer a

remark, another figure passed this window, coming, at a great rate

in the opposite direction; and immediately afterwards, Mr Spottletoe

burst into the chamber. Compared with his present state of heat, he

had gone out a man of snow or ice. His head distilled such oil upon

his whiskers, that they were rich and clogged with unctuous drops;

his face was violently inflamed, his limbs trembled; and he gasped

and strove for breath.

 

'My good sir!' cried Mr Pecksniff.

 

'Oh yes!' returned the other; 'oh yes, certainly! Oh to be sure! Oh,

of course! You hear him? You hear him? all of you!'

 

'What's the matter?' cried several voices.

 

'Oh nothing!' cried Spottletoe, still gasping. 'Nothing at all!

It's of no consequence! Ask him! HE'll tell you!'

 

'I do not understand our friend,' said Mr Pecksniff, looking about

him in utter amazement. 'I assure you that he is quite

unintelligible to me.'

 

'Unintelligible, sir!' cried the other. 'Unintelligible! Do you

mean to say, sir, that you don't know what has happened! That you

haven't decoyed us here, and laid a plot and a plan against us! Will

you venture to say that you didn't know Mr Chuzzlewit was going,

sir, and that you don't know he's gone, sir?'

 

'Gone!' was the general cry.

 

'Gone,' echoed Mr Spottletoe. 'Gone while we were sitting here.

Gone. Nobody knows where he's gone. Oh, of course not! Nobody knew

he was going. Oh, of course not! The landlady thought up to the

very last moment that they were merely going for a ride; she had no

other suspicion. Oh, of course not! She's not this fellow's

creature. Oh, of course not!'

 

Adding to these exclamations a kind of ironical howl, and gazing

upon the company for one brief instant afterwards, in a sudden

silence, the irritated gentleman started off again at the same

tremendous pace, and was seen no more.

 

It was in vain for Mr Pecksniff to assure them that this new and

opportune evasion of the family was at least as great a shock and

surprise to him as to anybody else. Of all the bullyings and

denunciations that were ever heaped on one unlucky head, none can

ever have exceeded in energy and heartiness those with which he was

complimented by each of his remaining relatives, singly, upon

bidding him farewell.

 

The moral position taken by Mr Tigg was something quite tremendous;

and the deaf cousin, who had the complicated aggravation of seeing

all the proceedings and hearing nothing but the catastrophe,

actually scraped her shoes upon the scraper, and afterwards

distributed impressions of them all over the top step, in token that

she shook the dust from her feet before quitting that dissembling

and perfidious mansion.

 

Mr Pecksniff had, in short, but one comfort, and that was the

knowledge that all these his relations and friends had hated him to

the very utmost extent before; and that he, for his part, had not

distributed among them any more love than, with his ample capital in

that respect, he could comfortably afford to part with. This view

of his affairs yielded him great consolation; and the fact deserves

to be noted, as showing with what ease a good man may be consoled

under circumstances of failure and disappointment. _

Read next: CHAPTER FIVE

Read previous: CHAPTER THREE

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