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_ ACT II
SCENE I.--Enter TRAPWIT, FUSTIAN, Prompter, Lord PLACE, Mrs and Miss Mayoress.
Trap.
I am afraid, Mr Fustian, you have hitherto suspected
that I was a dabbler in low comedy; now, sir, you
shall see some scenes of politeness and fine
conversation among the ladies. Come, my lord, come, begin.
Place.
Pray, Mrs Mayoress, what do you think this lace cost a yard?
Fust.
A very pretty beginning of polite conversation, truly.
Trap.
Sir, in this play I keep exactly up to nature, nor is
there anything said in this scene that I have not heard
come out of the mouths of the finest people of the age.
Sir, this scene has cost me ten shillings in chair-hire,
to keep the best company, as it is called.
Mrs M.
Indeed, my lord, I cannot guess it at less than ten
pounds a yard.
Place.
Pray, madam, was you at the last ridotto?
Fust.
Ridotto! the devil! a country mayoress at a ridotto!
Sure, that is out of character, Mr Trapwit!
Trap.
Sir, a conversation of this nature cannot be earned on without these helps; besides, sir, this country mayoress, as you call her, may be allowed to know something of the town; for you must know, sir, that she has been woman to a woman of quality.
Fust.
I am glad to hear that.
Mrs M.
Oh, my lord! mention not those dear ridottos to me, who have been confined these twelve long months in the country; where we have no entertainment but a set of hideous strolling players; nor have I seen any one human creature till your lordship came to town. Heaven send us a controverted election! then I shall go to that dear delightful place once more.
Miss M.
Yes, mama, and then we shall see Faribelly, the
strange man-woman that they say is with child; and the
fine pictures of Merlin's cave at the playhouses; and
the rope-dancing and the tumbling.
Fust.
By miss's taste I believe she has been bred up under a
woman of quality too.
Place.
I cannot but with pleasure observe, madam, the polite
taste miss shows in her choice of entertainments; I dare
swear she will be much admired in the beau monde, and I
don't question but will be soon taken into keeping by
some man of quality.
Miss M.
Keeping, my lord?
Place.
Ay, that surprize looks well enough in one so young,
that does not know the world; but, miss, every one now
keeps and is kept; there are no such things as
marriages now-a-days, unless merely Smithfield
contracts, and that for the support of families;
but then the husband and wife both take into keeping
within a fortnight.
Mrs M.
My lord, I would have my girl act like other young
ladies; but she does not know any men of quality, who
shall introduce her to 'em?
Place.
That, madam, must be your part; you must take a house and see company; in a little while you may keep an assembly, and play at cards as high as you can; and almost all the money that is won must be put into the box, which you must call _paying for the cards_; though it is indeed paying for your candles, your cloaths, your lodgings, and, in short, everything you have. I know some persons who make a very considerable figure in town, whose whole estate lies in their card-box.
Mrs M.
And have I been so long contented to be the wife of a
poor country tradesman, when I might have had all this
happiness?
Fust.
How comes this lady, Mr Trapwit, considering her
education, to be so ignorant of all these things?
Trap.
'Gad, that's true; I had forgot her education, faith,
when I writ that speech; it's a fault I sometimes fall
into--a man ought to have the memory of a devil to
remember every little thing; but come, go on, go
on--I'll alter it by and by.
Place.
Indeed, madam, it is a miserable state of life; I hope
we shall have no such people as tradesmen shortly; I can't
see any use they are of: if I am chose, I'll bring in
a bill to extirpate all trade out of the nation.
Mrs M.
Yes, my lord, that would do very well amongst people of
quality who don't want money.
Fust.
Again! Sure Mrs Mayoress knows very little of people of
quality, considering she has lived amongst them.
Trap.
Lord, sir, you are so troublesome. Then she has not lived amongst people of quality, she has lived where I please; but suppose we should suppose she had been woman to a lady of quality, may we not also suppose she was turned away in a fortnight, and then what could she know, sir? Go on, go on.
Place.
Alack-a-day, madam, when I mention trade, I only mean low, dull, mechanick trade, such as the canaille practise; there are several trades reputable enough, which people of fashion may practise; such as gaming, intriguing, voting, and running in debt.
Trap.
Come, enter a servant, and whisper my lord.
[Enter a Servant.]
Pray, sir, mind your cue of entrance.
[Exit Servant.]
Place.
Ladies, a particular affair obliges me to lose so good
company. I am your most obedient servant.
[Exit.]
Mrs M.
He is a prodigious fine gentleman.
Miss M.
But must I go into keeping, mama?
Mrs M.
Child, you must do what's in fashion.
Miss M.
But I have heard that's a naughty thing.
Mrs M.
That can't be if your betters do it; people are
punished for doing naughty things, but people of
quality are never punished; therefore they never
do any naughty things.
Fust.
An admirable syllogism, and quite in character.
Trap.
Pshaw, dear sir! don't trouble me with character; it's a
good thing; and if it's a good thing, what signifies who
says it?--Come, enter the mayor drunk.
[Enter Mayor.]
May.
Liberty and property, and no excise, wife.
Mrs M.
Ah! filthy beast, come not near me.
May.
But I will, though; I am for liberty and property; I'll
vote for no courtiers, wife.
Mrs M.
Indeed, but you shall, sir.
Miss M.
I hope you won't vote for a nasty stinking Tory, papa.
May.
What a pox! are you for the courtiers too?
Miss M.
Yes, I hope I am a friend to my country; I am not for
bringing in the pope.
May.
No, nor I an't for a standing army.
Mrs M.
But I am for a standing army, sir; a standing army is a good thing: you pretend to be afraid of your liberties and your properties--you are afraid of your wives and daughters: I love to see soldiers in the town; and you may say what you will, I know the town loses nothing by 'em.
May.
The women don't, I believe.
Mrs M.
And I'll have you know, the women's wants shall be considered, as well as yours. I think my lord and the colonel do you too much honour in offering to represent such a set of clownish, dirty, beggarly animals--Ah! I wish we women were to choose.
May.
Ay, we should have a fine set of members then, indeed.
Mrs M.
Yes, sir, you would have none but pretty
gentlemen--there should not be one man in the House
of Commons without a laced coat.
Miss M.
O la! what a delicate, fine, charming sight that would
be! Well, I like a laced coat; and if ever I am taken into
keeping, it shall be by a man in a laced coat.
May.
What's that you say, minx? What's that you say?
Mrs M.
What's that to you, sir?
May.
Why, madam, must not I speak to my own daughter?
Mrs M.
You have the greater obligation to me, sir, if she is:
I am sure, if I had thought you would have endeavoured
to ruin your family, I would have seen you hanged
before you should have had any by me.
May. I ruin my family!
Mrs M.
Yes, I have been making your fortune for you with my
lord; I have got a place for you, but you won't accept on't.
Miss M.
You shall accept on't.
Mrs M.
You shall vote for my lord and the colonel.
Miss M.
They are the finest men--
Mrs M.
The prettiest men--
Miss M.
The sweetest men--
Mrs M.
And you shall vote for them.
May.
I won't be bribed.
Mrs M.
A place is no bribe--ask the parson of the parish if a
place is a bribe.
May.
What is the place?
Mrs M.
I don't know what the place is, nor my lord does not
know what it is, but it is a great swingeing place.
May.
I will have the place first. I won't take a bribe, I will
have the place first; liberty and property! I'll have
the place first.
[Exit.]
Mrs M.
Come, my dear, follow me; I'll see whether he shall
vote according to his conscience or mine.
I'll teach mankind, while policy they boast,
They bear the name of power, we rule the roast.
Trap.
There ends act the second.
[Exeunt Mrs and Miss Mayoress.]
Mr Fustian, I inculcate a particular moral at the end of every act; and therefore, might have put a particular motto before every one, as the author of Caesar in Egypt has done: thus, sir, my first act sweetly sings, Bribe all; bribe all; and the second gives you to Understand that we are all under petticoat-government; and my third will--but you shall see. Enter my lord Place, colonel Promise, and several voters. My lord, you begin the third act.
[Enter Lord PLACE, Col. PROMISE, and several Voters.]
Place.
Gentlemen, be assured I will take care of you all; you
shall all be provided for as fast as possible; the customs
and the excise afford a great number of places.
1 Voter.
Could not your lordship provide for me at court?
Place.
Nothing easier: what sort of a place would you like?
1 Voter.
Is not there a sort of employment, sir,
called--beef-eating?--If your lordship please to make me a
beef-eater--I would have a place fitted for my capacity.
Place.
Sir, I will be sure to remember you.
2 Voter.
My lord, I should like a place at court too; I don't
much care what it is, provided I wear fine cloaths, and have
something to do in the kitchen or the cellar; I own I
should like the cellar, for I am a devilish lover of sack.
Place.
Sack, say you? Odso, you shall be poet-laureat.
2 Voter.
Poet! no, my lord, I am no poet, I can't make verses.
Place.
No matter for that--you'll be able to make odes.
2 Voter.
Odes, my lord! what are those?
Place.
Faith, sir, I can't tell well what they are; but I know
you may be qualified for the place without being a poet.
Trap.
Now, my lord, do you file off, and talk apart with your
people; and let the colonel advance.
Fust.
Ay, faith, I think it is high time for the colonel to be
heard.
Col.
Depend upon it, sir; I'll serve you.
Fust.
Upon my word the colonel begins very well; but has not
that been said already?
Trap.
Ay, and if I was to bring a hundred courtiers into my
play, they should all say it--none of them do it.
3 Voter.
An't please your honour, I have read in a book called
Fog's Journal that your honour's men are to be made of wax;
now, sir, I have served my time to a wax-work maker,
and desire to make your honour's regiment.
Col.
Sir, you may depend on me.
3 Voter.
Are your officers to be made of wax too, sir? because
I would prepare a finer sort for them.
Col.
No, none but the chaplain.
3 Voter.
O! I have a most delicate piece of black wax for him.
Trap.
You see, sir, the colonel can speak when military affairs are on the carpet. Hitherto, Mr Fustian, the play has gone on in great tranquillity; now you shall see a scene of a more turbulent nature. Come, enter the mob of both sides, and cudgel one another off the stage. Colonel, as your business is not to fight at present, I beg you would go off before the battle comes on; you and your brother candidate come into the middle of the stage; you voters range yourselves under your several leaders.
[The mob attempt to break in.]
Pray, gentlemen, keep back; mind, the colonel's going off is the cue for the battle to enter. Now, my lord, and the colonel, you are at the head of your parties--but hold, hold, hold! you beef-eater, go you behind my lord, if you please; and you soldier-maker, come you behind the colonel: now, gentlemen, speak.
[Place and Col Gentlemen, we'll serve you.]
[My lord and the colonel flle off at
different doors, the parties following.]
[Enter mob on each side of the stage, crying out promiscuously_. Down with the Rump! No courtiers! No Jacobites! Down with the pope! No excise! A Place and a Promise! A Fox-chace and a Tankard! _At last they fall together by the ears, and cudgel one another off the stage.]
[Enter Sir HARRY, Squire TANKARD, and Mayor.]
Sir H.
Bravely done, my boys, bravely done; faith, our party has got the day.
May.
Ay, Sir Harry, at dry blows we always come off well; if we could but disband the army, I warrant we carried all our points. But faith, sir, I have fought a hard battle on your account; the other side have secured my wife; my lord has promised her a place, but I am not to be gulled in that manner: I may be taken like a fish in the water, by a bait; but not like the dog in the water, by a shadow.
Sir H.
I know you are an honest man, and love your country.
May.
Faith, that I do, Sir Harry, as well as any man; if my
country will but let me live by it, that's all I desire.
Fust.
Mr Mayor seems to have got himself sober very suddenly.
Trap.
Yes, so would you too, I believe, if you had been
scolded at by your wife as long as he has; but if you think
that is not reason enough, he may be drunk still, for any
reason I see to the contrary: pray, sir, act this scene as
if you was drunk.
Fust.
Nay, I must confess, I think it quite out of character
the mayor to be once sober during the whole election.
Tank.
[drunk.]
A man that won't get drunk for his
country is a rascal.
May.
So he is, noble squire; there's no honesty in a man
that won't be drunk--A man that won't drink is
an enemy to the trade of the nation.
Sir H.
Those were glorious days when honest English hospitality flourished; when a country gentleman could afford to make his neighbours drunk, before your damned French fashions were brought over. Why, Mr Mayor, would you think it? there are many of these courtiers who have six starved footmen behind a coach, and not half a hogshead of wine in their house; why, how do you think all the money is spent?
May.
Faith, I can't tell.
Sir H.
Why, in houses, pictures, lace, embroidery, nick-nacks,
Italian singers, and French tumblers; and those who
vote for them will never get a dinner of them after
the election is over.
May.
But there is a thought comes often into my head,
which is this; if these courtiers be turned out,
who shall succeed them?
Sir H.
Who? why, we!
Tank.
Ay, we!
Sir H.
And then we may provide for our friends. I love my
country, but I don't know why I may not get something
by it as well as another; at least to reimburse me.
--And I do assure you, though I have not bribed a
single vote, my election will stand me in a good
five thousand pounds.
Tank.
Ay, and so will mine me: but if ever we should get
uppermost, Sir Harry, I insist upon immediately paying off
the debts of the nation.
Sir H.
Mr Tankard, that shall be done with all convenient
speed.
Tank.
I'll have no delay in it, sir.
May.
There spoke the spirit of a true Englishman: ah! I love
to hear the squire speak; he will be a great honour to
his country in foreign parts.
Sir H.
Our friends stay for us at the tavern; we'll go and
talk more over a bottle.
Tank.
With all my heart; but I will pay off the debts of the
nation.
May.
Come to the tavern then:--
There, while brisk wine improves our conversation,
We at our pleasure will reform the nation.
Trap.
There ends act the third.
[Exeunt Sir HARRY, TANKARD, and Mayor.]
Fust.
Pray, sir, what's the moral of this act?
Trap.
And you really don't know?
Fust.
No, really.
Trap.
Then I really will not tell you; but come, sir, since
you cannot find that out, I'll try whether you can
find out the plot; for now it is just going to begin
to open, it will require a very close attention,
I assure you; and the devil take me if I give you
any assistance.
Fust.
Is not the fourth act a little too late to open the
plot, Mr Trapwit?
Trap.
Sir, 'tis an error on the right side: I have known a
plot open in the first act, and the audience, and the
poet too, forget it before the third was over: now,
sir, I am not willing to burden either the audience's
memory or my own; for they may forget all that is
hitherto past, and know full as much of the plot as if
they remembered it.
Promp.
Call Mr Mayor, Mrs Mayoress, and Miss.
[Enter Mayor, Mrs and Miss Mayoress.]
Mrs M.
Oh! have I found you at last, sir? I have been hunting
for you this hour.
May.
Faith, my dear, I wish you had found me sooner; I have
been drinking to the good old cause with Sir Harry and the squire:
you would have been heartily welcome to all the company.
Mrs M.
Sir, I shall keep no such company; I shall converse
with no clowns or country squires.
Miss M.
My mama will converse with no Jacobites.
May.
But, my dear, I have some news for you; I have got a place
for myself now.
Mrs M.
O ho! then you will vote for my lord at last?
May.
No, my dear; Sir Harry is to give me a place.
Mrs M.
A place in his dog-kennel?
May.
No, 'tis such a one as you never could have got me from
my lord; I am to be made an embassador.
Mrs M.
What, is Sir Harry going to change sides then, that he
is to have all this interest?
May.
No, but the sides are going to be changed; and Sir Harry
is to be--I don't know what to call him, not I--some very
great man; and as soon as he is a very great man I am
to be made an embassador of.
Mrs M.
Made an ass of! Will you never learn of me that a bird
in the hand is worth two in the bush?
May.
Yes, but I can't find that you had the bird in hand; if that had been the case I don't know what I might have done; but I am sure any man's promise is as good as a courtier's.
Mrs M.
Look'ye, Mr Embassador that is to be; will you vote as I would have you or no? I am weary of arguing with a fool any longer; so, sir, I tell you you must vote for my lord and the colonel, or I'll make the house too hot to hold you; I'll see whether my poor family is to be ruined because you have whims.
Miss M.
I know he is a Jacobite in his heart.
Mrs M.
What signifies what he is in his heart? have not a hundred, whom everybody knows to be as great Jacobites as he, acted like very good whigs? What has a man's heart to do with his lips? I don't trouble my head with what he thinks; I only desire him to vote.
Miss M.
I am sure mama is a very reasonable woman.
Mrs M.
Yes, I am too reasonable a woman, and have used gentle
methods too long; but I'll try others.
[Goes to a corner of the stage and takes a stick.]
May.
Nay, then, liberty and property, and no excise!
[Runs off.]
Mrs M.
I'll excise you, you villain!
[Runs after him.]
Miss M. Hey ho! I wish somebody were here now.
Would the man that I love best in the world were here,
that I might use him like a dog!
Fust.
Is not that a very odd wish, Mr Trapwit?
Trap.
No, sir; don't all the young ladies in plays use all
their lovers so? Should we not lose half the best scenes
in our comedies else?
Promp.
Pray, gentlemen, don't disturb the rehearsal so: where
is this servant?
[Enter Servant.]
Why don't you mind your cue?
Serv.
Oh, ay, dog's my cue. Madam, here's Miss Stitch, the
taylor's daughter, come to wait on you.
Miss M.
Shew her in. What can the impertinent flirt want with
me? She knows I hate her too for being of the other party:
however, I'll be as civil to her as I can.
[Enter Miss STITCH.]
Dear miss! your servant; this is an unexpected favour.
Miss S.
I am sure, madam, you have no reason to say so; for,
though we are of different parties, I have always
coveted your acquaintance. I can't see why people
may not keep their principles to themselves.
[Aside.]
Miss M.
Pray, miss, sit down. Well, have you any news in town?
Miss S.
I don't know, my dear, for I have not been out these
three days; and I have been employed all that time in reading
one of the "Craftsmen:" 'tis a very pretty one; I have
almost got it by heart.
Miss M.
[Aside.]
Saucy flirt! she might have spared
that to me when she knows that I hate the paper.
Miss S.
But I ask your pardon, my dear; I know you never read it.
Miss M.
No, madam, I have enough to do to read the "Daily
Gazetteer." My father has six of 'em sent him every
week for nothing: they are very pretty papers,
and I wish you would read them, miss.
Miss S.
Fie upon you! how can you read what's writ by an old
woman?
Miss M.
An old woman, miss?
Miss S.
Yes, miss, by Mrs Osborne. Nay, it is in vain to deny
it to me.
Miss M.
I desire, madam, we may discourse no longer on this
subject; for we shall never agree on it.
Miss S.
Well, then, pray let me ask you seriously--are you
thoroughly satisfied with this peace?
Miss M.
Yes, madam, and I think you ought to be so too.
Miss S.
I should like it well enough if I were sure the queen
of Spain was to be trusted.
Miss M
[Rising.]
Pray miss, none of your insinuations against
the queen of Spain.
Miss S.
Don't be in a passion, madam.
Miss M.
Yes, madam, but I will be in a passion, when the
interest of my country is at stake.
Miss S.
[Rising.]
Perhaps, madam, I have a heart as warm in
the interest of my country as you can have;
though I pay money for the papers I read,
and that's more than you can say.
Miss M.
Miss, miss, my papers are paid for too by somebody, though I don't pay for them; I don't suppose the old woman, as you call her, sends 'em about at her own expence; but I'd have you to know, miss, I value my money as little as you in my country's cause; and rather than have no army, I would part with every farthing of these sixteen shillings to maintain it.
Miss S.
And if my sweetheart was to vote for the colonel, though I like this fan of all the fans I ever saw in my life, I would tear it all to pieces, because it was his Valentine's gift to me. Oh, heavens! I have torn my fan; I would not have torn my fan for the world! Oh! my poor dear fan! I wish all parties were at the devil, for I am sure I shall never get a fan by them.
Miss M.
Notwithstanding all you have said, madam, I should be a brute not to pity you under this calamity: comfort yourself, child, I have a fan the exact fellow to it; if you bring your sweetheart over to vote for the colonel you shall have it.
Miss S.
And can I sell my country for a fan? What's my
country to me? I shall never get a fan by it.
And will you give it me for nothing?
Miss M.
I'll make you a free present of it.
Miss S.
I am ashamed of your conquest, but I'll take the fan.
Miss M.
And now, my dear, we'll go and drink a dish of tea
together. And let all parties blame me if they can,
Who're bribed by honours trifling as a fan.
[Exeunt Misses.]
Trap.
There ends act the fourth. If you want to know the moral
of this, the devil must be in you. Faith, this incident
of the fan struck me so strongly that I was once
going to call this comedy by the name of The Fan.
But come, now for act the fifth.
Promp.
Sir, the player who is to begin it is just stepped
aside on some business; he begs you would stay a
few minutes for him.
Trap.
Come, Fustian, you and I will step into the green-room,
and chat with the actresses meanwhile.
Fust.
But don't you think these girls improper persons to talk
of parties?
Trap.
Sir, I assure you it is not out of nature: and I have
often heard these affairs canvast by men who had not
one whit more understanding than these girls.
[Exeunt.] _
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