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_ ACT I
SCENE I.--Enter several Players.
1st Play.
When does the rehearsal begin?
2nd Play.
I suppose we shall hardly rehearse the comedy this
morning, for the author was arrested as he was going
home from King's coffee-house; and, as I heard it
was for upward of four pound, I suppose he will
hardly get bail.
1st Play.
Where's the tragedy-author then? I have a long part
in both, and it's past ten o'clock.
Wom. P.
Ay, I have a part in both too; I wish any one else
had them, for they are not seven lengths put
together. I think it is very hard a woman of my
standing should have a short part put upon her.
I suppose Mrs Merit will have all our principal
parts now, but I am resolved I'll advertise
against her. I'll let the town know how I am injured.
1st Play.
Oh! here comes our tragedy-poet.
[Enter FUSTIAN.]
Fust.
Gentlemen, your servant; ladies, yours. I should have been here sooner, but I have been obliged, at their own requests, to wait upon some half-dozen persons of the first quality with tickets: upon my soul 1 have been chid for putting off my play so long. I hope you are all quite perfect, for the town will positively stay for it no longer. I think I may very well put upon the bills, At the particular desire of several ladles of quality, the first night.
[Enter Prompter.]
Promp.
Mr Fustian, we must defer the rehearsal of your
tragedy, for the gentleman who plays the first ghost
is not yet up; and when he is, he has got such a
churchyard-cough he will not be heard to the middle
of the pit.
1st Play.
I wish you could cut the ghost out, sir, for I am
terribly afraid he'll be damned if you don't.
Fust.
Cut him out, sir? He is one of the most considerable
persons in the play.
Promp.
Then, sir, you must give the part to somebody else; for
the present is so lame he can hardly walk the stage.
Fust.
Then he shall be carried, for no man in England can act
a ghost like him. Sir, he was born a ghost--he was made
for the part--and the part writ for him.
Promp.
Well, sir, then we hope you will give us leave to
rehearse the comedy first.
Fust.
Ay, ay, you may rehearse it first, if you please, and act it first too. If it keeps mine back above three nights, I am mistaken. I don't know what friends the author may have; but if ever such stuff, such damned, incoherent, senseless stuff, was ever brought on any stage--if the audience suffer it to go through three acts--Oh! he's here.
[Enter TRAPWIT.]
Dear Mr Trapwit! your most humble servant, sir; I read your comedy over last night, and a most excellent one it is: if it runs as long as it deserves you will engross the whole season to yourself.
Trap.
Sir, I am glad it met with your approbation, as there is no man whose taste and judgment I have a better opinion of. But pray, sir, why don't they proceed to the rehearsal of your tragedy? I assure you, sir, I had much difficulty to get hither so early.
2nd Play.
Yes, faith, I believe you had.
[Aside.]
Fust.
Sir, your comedy is to be rehearsed first.
Trap.
Excuse me, sir, I know the deference due to tragedy
better.
Fust.
Sir, I would not have you think I give up the
cause of tragedy; but my ghost, being ill,
sir, cannot get up without danger, and I
would not risque the life of my ghost on any account.
Trap.
You are in the right on't, sir;
for a ghost is the soul of tragedy.
Fust.
Ay, sir, I think it is not amiss to remind people of those things which they are now-a-days too apt to disbelieve; besides, we have lately had an act against witches, and I don't question but shortly we shall have one against ghosts. But come, Mr Trapwit, as we are for this once to give the precedence to comedy, e'en let us begin.
Trap.
Ay, ay, with all my heart. Come, come, where's the gentleman who speaks the prologue? This prologue, Mr Fustian, was given me by a friend, who does not care to own it till he tries whether it succeeds or no.
[Enter Player for the Prologue.]
Come, sir, make a very low bow to the audience;
and shew as much concern as possible in your looks.
PROLOGUE.
As crafty lawyers, to acquire applause,
Try various arts to get a doubtful cause;
Or, as a dancing master in a jigg,
With various steps instructs the dancing prig;
Or as a doctor writes you different bills;
Or as a quack prescribes you different pills;
Or as a fiddler plays more tunes than one;
Or as a baker bakes more bread than brown;
Or as a tumbler tumbles up and down;
So does our author, rummaging his brain,
By various methods try to entertain;
Brings a strange groupe of characters before you,
And shews you here at once both Whig and Tory;
Or court and country party you may call 'em:
But without fear and favour he will maul 'em.
To you, then, mighty sages of the pit--
Trap.
Oh! dear sir, seem a little more affected, I beseech
you; advance to the front of the stage, make a low bow,
lay your hand upon your heart, fetch a deep sigh, and
pull out your handkerchief:
To you, then, mighty sages of the pit--
Prol.
To you, then, mighty sages of the pit,
Our author humbly does his cause submit.
He trys to please--oh! take it not amiss:
And though it should be dull, oh! do not hiss;
Laugh, if you can--if you cannot laugh, weep:
When you can wake no longer--fall asleep.
Trap.
Very well! very well, sir! You have affected me, I am
sure.
Fust.
And so he will the audience, I'll answer for them.
Trap.
Oh, sir, you're too good-natured; but, sir, I do
assure you I had writ a much better prologue of
my own; but, as this came gratis, have reserved
it for my next play--a prologue saved is a
prologue got, brother Fustian. But come, where
are your actors? Is Mr Mayor and the Aldermen
at the table?
Promp.
Yes, sir; but they want wine, and we can get none
from the quaker's cellar without ready money.
Trap.
Rat him! can't he trust till the third night?
Here, take sixpence, and fetch two pots of
porter, put it into bottles, and it will do
for wine well enough.
Fust.
Ay, faith, and the wine will be as good as the
wit, I'll answer for it.
[Aside.]
Trap.
Mr Fustian, you'll observe I do not begin this play, like most of our modern comedies, with three or four gentlemen who are brought on only to talk wit; for, to tell you the truth, sir, I have very little, if any, wit in this play. No, sir, this is a play consisting of humour, nature, and simplicity. It is written, sir, in the exact and true spirit of Moliere: and this I will say for it, that, except about a dozen, or a score or so, there is not one impure joke in it. But come, clear the stage, and draw the back scene! Mr Fustian, if you please to sit down by me.
[Mayor and Aldermen discovered.]
Fust.
Pray, sir, who are these characters?
Trap.
Sir, they are Mr Mayor of the town and his brethren,
consulting about the election.
Fust.
Are they all of a side, sir?
Trap.
Yes, sir, as yet; for you must know, sir, that all the men in this borough are very sensible people, and have no party principles for which they cannot give a good reason; Mr Mayor, you begin the play.
May.
Gentlemen, I have summoned you together to consider of proper representatives for this borough: you know the candidates on the court side are my lord Place and colonel Promise; the country candidates are Sir Henry Fox-chace and squire Tankard; all worthy gentlemen, and I wish with all my heart we could chuse them all four.
1st Ald.
But since we cannot, Mr Mayor, I think we should stand by our neighbours; gentlemen whose honesty we are witnesses of, and whose estates in our own neighbourhood render 'em not liable to be bribed.
Fust.
This gentleman, Mr Trapwit, does not seem so unbiassed
in his principles as you represented him.
Trap.
Pugh, sir! you must have one fool in a play; beside, I
only writ him to set off the rest.
May.
Mr Alderman, you have a narrow way of thinking;
honesty is not confined to a country; a man that
lives a hundred miles off may be as honest as
him who lives but three.
Ald.
Ay, ay, ay, ay.
[Shaking their heads.]
May.
Besides, gentlemen, are we not more obliged to a foreigner for the favours he does us than to one of our own neighbours who has obligations to us? I believe, gentlemen, there is not one of us who does not eat and drink with Sir Harry at least twenty times in a twelvemonth; now, for my part, I never saw or heard of either my lord or the colonel till within this fortnight; and yet they are as obliging, and civil and familiar, as if we had been born and bred together.
1st Ald.
Nay, they are very civil, well-bred men, that is the truth on't; but won't they bring a standing army upon us?
May.
Mr Alderman, you are deceived; the country party will bring a standing army upon us; whereas, if we chuse my lord and the colonel, we shan't have a soldier in town. But, mum! here are my lord and the colonel
[Enter Lord PLACE and Col. PROMISE.]
Place.
Gentlemen, your most humble servant; I have brought the
colonel to take a morning's whet with you.
May.
Your lordship and the colonel do us great honour; pray,
my lord, be pleased to sit down; pray, colonel, be
pleased to sit. More wine here.
Fust.
I wish, Mr Trapwit, your actors don't get drunk in the
first act.
Trap.
Dear sir, don't interrupt the rehearsal.
Place.
Gentlemen, prosperity to the corporation!
Fust.
Sir, I am a well-wisher to the corporation, and, if
you please, will pledge his lordship:--success to
your comedy, Mr Trapwit.
[_Drinks_.]
Trap.
Give me a glass--sir, here's to your tragedy. Now,
pray, no more interruption; for this scene is one
continual joke, and if you open your lips in it
you will break the thread of the jest.
May.
My lord, we are sensible of your great power to
serve this corporation, and we do not doubt but
we shall feel the effect on't.
Place.
Gentlemen, you may depend on me; I shall do all in my
power. I shall do you some services which are not proper
at present to mention to you; in the meantime, Mr Mayor,
give me leave to squeeze you by the hand, in assurance
of my sincerity.
Trap.
You, Mr, that act my lord, bribe a little more openly,
if you please, or the audience will lose that joke, and
it is one of the strongest in my whole play.
Place.
Sir, I cannot possibly do it better at the table.
Trap.
Then get all up, and come forward to the front of the
stage. Now, you gentlemen that act the mayor and aldermen,
range yourselves in a line; and you, my lord and the
colonel, come to one end and bribe away with right and left.
Fust.
Is this wit, Mr Trapwit?
Trap.
Yes, sir, it is wit; and such wit as will run all over
the kingdom.
Fust.
But, methinks, colonel Promise, as you call him, is but
ill-named; for he is a man of very few words.
Trap.
You'll be of another opinion before the play is over; at
present his hands are too full of business; and you may
remember, sir, I before told you this is none of your
plays wherein much is said and nothing done.
Gentlemen, are you all bribed?
Omnes.
Yes, sir.
Trap.
Then, my lord and the colonel, you must go off, and
make room for the other candidates to come on and bribe too.
[Exeunt PLACE and PROMISE.]
Fust.
Is there nothing but bribery in this play of yours, Mr
Trapwit?
Trap.
Sir, this play is an exact representation of nature; I hope the audience will date the time of action before the bill of bribery and corruption took place; and then I believe it may go down; but now, Mr Fustian, I shall shew you the art of a writer, which is, to diversify his matter, and do the same thing several ways. You must know, sir, I distinguish bribery into two kinds, the direct and the indirect: the first you have seen already; and now, sir, I shall give you a small specimen of the other. Prompter, call Sir Harry and the squire. But, gentlemen, what are you doing? How often shall I tell you that the moment the candidates are gone out you are to retire to the table, and drink and look wise; you, Mr Mayor, ought to look very wise.
Fust.
You'll take care he shall talk foolish enough, I'll
warrant you.
[Aside.]
May.
Come, here's a round to my lord and the colonel's health;
a Place and a Promise, I say; they may talk of the pride of
courtiers, but I am sure I never had a civiller squeeze by
the hand in my life.
Trap.
Ay, you have squeezed that out pretty well: but shew the
gold at these words, sir, if you please.
May.
I have none.
Trap.
Pray, Mr Prompter, take care to get some counters
against it is acted.
Fust.
Ha, ha, ha! upon my word the courtiers have topt their
part; the actor has outdone the author; this bribing with
an empty hand is quite in the character of a courtier.
Trap.
Come, enter Sir Harry and the squire. Where are they?
1st Play.
Sir, Mr Soundwell has been regularly summoned, but he
has refused to act the part.
Trap.
Has he been writ to?
1st Play.
Yes, sir, and here's his answer.
Trap.
Let both the letters be produced before the
audience. Pray, Mr Prompter, who shall we have to act the part?
1st Play.
Sir, I like the part so well that I have studied it in
the hope of some time playing it.
Trap.
You are an exceeding pretty young fellow, and I am very
glad of the exchange.
Sir H.
Halloo, hark forwards: hark, honest Ned, good-morrow to
you; how dost, Master Mayor? What, you are driving it about
merrily this morning? Come, come, sit down; the squire and
I will take a pot with you. Come, Mr Mayor, here's--liberty
and property and no excise.
May.
Sir Harry, your health.
Sir H.
What, won't you pledge me? Won't you drink no excise?
May.
I don't love party healths, Sir Harry.
All Ald.
No, no; no party healths, no party healths.
Sir H.
Say ye so, gentlemen? I begin to smoke you; your pulses have been felt, I perceive: and will you be bribed to sell your country? Where do you think these courtiers get the money they bribe you with, but from yourselves? Do you think a man who will give a bribe won't take one? If you would be served faithfully, you must choose faithfully, and give your vote on no consideration but merit; for my part, I would as soon suborn an evidence at an assize as a vote at an election.
May.
I do believe you, Sir Harry.
Sir H.
Mr Mayor, I hope you received those three bucks I sent
you, and that they were good.
May.
Sir Harry, I thank you for them; but 'tis so long since I
eat them that I have forgot the taste.
Sir H.
We'll try to revive it--I'll order you three more
to-morrow morning.
May.
You will surfeit us with venison: you will indeed; for it
is a dry meat, Sir Harry, a very dry meat.
Sir H.
We'll find a way to moisten it, I'll warrant you, if there be any wine in town. Mr Alderman Stitch, your bill is too reasonable; you certainly must lose by it: send me in half a dozen more greatcoats, pray; my servants are the dirtiest dogs! Mr Damask, I believe you are afraid to trust me, by those few yards of silk you sent my wife; she likes the pattern so extremely she is resolved to hang her rooms with it; pray let me have a hundred yards of it; I shall want more of you. Mr Timber, and you, Mr Iron, I shall get into your books too.
Fust.
Would not that getting into books have been more in the
character of the courtier, Mr Trapwit?
Trap.
Go on, go on, sir.
Sir H.
That gentleman interrupts one so.--Oh, now I
remember--Mr Timber, and you Mr Iron, I shall get into
your books too; though if I do, I assure you I won't
continue in them long.
Trap.
Now, sir, would it have been more in the character of a
courtier? But you are like all our modern criticks, who
damn a man before they have heard a man out; when, if
they would but stay till the joke came--
Fust.
They would stay to hear your last words, I believe.
[Aside.]
Sir H.
For you must know, gentlemen, that I intend to pull
down my old house, and build a new one.
Trap.
Pray, gentlemen, observe all to start at the word
house. Sir Harry, that last speech again, pray.
Sir H.
For you, &c.----Mr Mayor, I must have all my bricks of
you.
May.
And do you intend to rebuild your house, Sir Harry?
Sir H.
Positively.
May.
Gentlemen, methinks Sir Harry's toast stands still; will
nobody drink liberty and property, and no excise?
[They all drink and huzza.]
Sir H.
Give me thy hand, mayor; I hate bribery and corruption:
if this corporation will not suffer itself to be bribed,
there shall not be a poor man in it.
May.
And he that will, deserves to be poor; for my part, the
world should not bribe me to vote against my conscience.
Trap.
Do you take that joke, sir?
Fust.
No, faith, sir.
Trap.
Why, how can a man vote against his conscience who has
no conscience at all?
1st Ald.
Come, gentlemen, here's a Fox-chace and a Tankard!
Omnes.
A Fox-chace and a Tankard! huzza!
Sir H.
Come, let's have one turn in the marketplace, and then
we'll to dinner.
May.
Let's fill the air with our repeated cries Of liberty,
and property, and no excise.
[Exeunt Mayor and Aldermen.]
Trap.
How do you like that couplet, sir?
Fust.
Oh! very fine, sir!
Trap.
This is the end of the first act, sir.
Fust.
I cannot but observe, Mr Trapwit, how nicely you have
opposed squire Tankard to colonel Promise; neither of
whom have yet uttered one syllable.
Trap.
Why, you would not have every man a speaker, would you?
One of a side is sufficient; and let me tell you, sir, one
is full enough to utter all that the party has to say for itself.
Fust.
Methinks, sir, you should let the audience know they can
speak, if it were but an ay or a no.
Trap.
Sir, the audience must know that already; for if they
could not say ay and no, they would not
be qualified for candidates.
Fust.
Oh! your humble servant, I am answered; but pray, sir,
what is the action of this play?
Trap.
The action, sir?
Fust.
Yes, sir, the fable, the design?
Trap.
Oh! you ask who is to be married? Why, sir, I have a
marriage; I hope you think I understand the laws of
comedy better than to write without marrying somebody.
Fust.
But is that the main design to which everything
conduces?
Trap.
Yes, sir.
Fust.
Faith, sir, I can't for the soul of me see how what has
hitherto past can conduce at all to that end.
Trap.
You can't? indeed, I believe you can't; for that is the whole plot of my play: and do you think I am like your shallow writers of comedy, who publish the bans of marriage between all the couples in their play in the first act? No, sir, I defy you to guess my couple till the thing is done, slap all at once; and that too by an incident arising from the main business of the play, and to which everything conduces.
Fust.
That will, indeed, surprise me.
Trap.
Sir, you are not the first man my writings have
surprised. But what's become of all our players?
--Here, who begins the second act?--Prompter!
[Enter 1st Player.]
1st Play.
Sir, the prompter and most of the players are drinking
tea in the green-room.
Trap.
Mr Fustian, shall we drink a dish of tea with them?
Come, sir, as you have a part in my play, you shall drink
a dish with us.
1st Play.
Sir, I dare not go into the green-room; my salary is
not high enough: I shall be forfeited if I go in there.
Trap.
Pshaw! come along; your sister has merit enough for
herself and you too: if they forfeit you, I'll warrant
she'll take it off again. _
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