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The Manxman: A Novel, a novel by Hall Caine |
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Part 3. Man And Woman - Chapter 24 |
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_ PART III. MAN AND WOMAN CHAPTER XXIV Philip had stood at the door of the porch, struggling to command his soul, and employing all his powers to look cheerful and even gay. But as Kate had passed she had looked at him with an imploring look, and then he had seemed to understand everything--that she had made a mistake and that she knew it, that her laughter had been bitterer than tears, that some compulsion had been put upon her, and that she was a wretched and miserable woman. At the next moment she had gone by with an odour of lace and perfume; and then a flood of tenderness, of pity, of mad jealousy had come upon him, and it had been as much as he could do to restrain himself. One instant he held himself in hand, and at the next the wheels of the gig had begun to move, the horse had started, the women had trooped into the house again, and there was nothing before him but the broad back of Caesar, who was looking into the darkness after the vanishing gig-lamps, and breathing asthmatical breath. "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife," said Caesar. "You're time enough yet, sir; come in, come in." But the man was odious to Philip at that moment, the house was odious, the people and the talk inside were odious, and he slipped away unobserved. Too late! From the torment of his own thoughts he could not escape--his lost love, his lost happiness, his memories of the past, his dreams of the future. A voice--it was his own voice--seemed to be taunting him constantly: "You were not worthy of her. You did not know her value. She is gone; and what have you got instead!" The Deemstership! That was of no consequence now. A name, an idle name! Love was the only thing worth having, and it was lost. Without it all the rest was nothing, and he had flung it away. He had been a monster, he had been a fool. The thought of his folly was insupportable; the recollection of his selfishness was stifling; the memory of his calculating deliberations was dragging him again in the dust. Thus, with a sense of crushing shame, he plunged down the dark road, trying not to think of the gig that had gone swinging along in front of him. He would leave the island. To-morrow he would sail for England. No matter if he lost the chance of promotion. To-morrow, to-morrow! But to-night? How could he live through the hours until morning, with the black thoughts which the darkness generated? How could he sleep? How lie awake? What drug would bring forgetfulness? Kate! Pete! To-night! Oh, God! oh, God! _ |
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