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_ ACT II SCENE I
London. A street
[Enter HOSTESS with two officers, FANG and SNARE]
HOSTESS.
Master Fang, have you ent'red the action?
FANG.
It is ent'red.
HOSTESS.
Where's your yeoman? Is't a lusty yeoman? Will 'a
stand to't?
FANG.
Sirrah, where's Snare?
HOSTESS.
O Lord, ay! good Master Snare.
SNARE.
Here, here.
FANG.
Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.
HOSTESS.
Yea, good Master Snare; I have ent'red him and all.
SNARE.
It may chance cost some of our lives, for he will stab.
HOSTESS.
Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabb'd me in mine
own house, and that most beastly. In good faith, 'a cares not
what mischief he does, if his weapon be out; he will foin like any
devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child.
FANG.
If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.
HOSTESS.
No, nor I neither; I'll be at your elbow.
FANG.
An I but fist him once; an 'a come but within my vice!
HOSTESS.
I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's an
infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold him
sure. Good Master Snare, let him not scape. 'A comes continuantly
to Pie-corner--saving your manhoods--to buy a saddle; and he is
indited to dinner to the Lubber's Head in Lumbert Street, to
Master Smooth's the silkman. I pray you, since my exion is
ent'red, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be
brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long one for a
poor lone woman to bear; and I have borne, and borne, and borne;
and have been fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, from
this day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There
is no honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass
and a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.
[Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, PAGE, and BARDOLPH]
Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph,
with him. Do your offices, do your offices, Master Fang and
Master Snare; do me, do me, do me your offices.
FALSTAFF.
How now! whose mare's dead? What's the matter?
FANG.
Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.
FALSTAFF.
Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph. Cut me off the villian's
head. Throw the quean in the channel.
HOSTESS.
Throw me in the channel! I'll throw thee in the channel.
Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue! Murder, murder!
Ah, thou honeysuckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers and
the King's? Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey-seed; a
man-queller and a woman-queller.
FALSTAFF.
Keep them off, Bardolph.
FANG.
A rescue! a rescue!
HOSTESS.
Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou wot, wot
thou! thou wot, wot ta? Do, do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed!
PAGE.
Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fustilarian!
I'll tickle your catastrophe.
[Enter the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE and his men]
CHIEF JUSTICE.
What is the matter? Keep the peace here, ho!
HOSTESS.
Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you, stand to me.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
How now, Sir John! what, are you brawling here?
Doth this become your place, your time, and business?
You should have been well on your way to York.
Stand from him, fellow; wherefore hang'st thou upon him?
HOSTESS.
O My most worshipful lord, an't please your Grace, I am a
poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
For what sum?
HOSTESS.
It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all--all
I have. He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all
my substance into that fat belly of his. But I will have some of
it out again, or I will ride thee a nights like a mare.
FALSTAFF.
I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any
vantage of ground to get up.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
How comes this, Sir John? Fie! What man of good
temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not
ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come
by her own?
FALSTAFF.
What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
HOSTESS.
Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the
money too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet,
sitting in my Dolphin chamber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire,
upon Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the Prince broke thy head for
liking his father to singing-man of Windsor--thou didst swear
to me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me and make me
my lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech,
the butcher's wife, come in then and call me gossip Quickly?
Coming in to borrow a mess of vinegar, telling us she had a good
dish of prawns, whereby thou didst desire to eat some, whereby I told
thee they were ill for green wound? And didst thou not, when
she was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity
with such poor people, saying that ere long they should call me madam?
And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch the thirty
shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath. Deny it, if thou canst.
FALSTAFF.
My lord, this is a poor mad soul, and she says up and
down the town that her eldest son is like you. She hath been
in good case, and, the truth is, poverty hath distracted her.
But for these foolish officers, I beseech you I may have redress
against them.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with your
manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a
confident brow, nor the throng of words that come with such
more than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level
consideration. You have, as it appears to me, practis'd upon
the easy yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your
uses both in purse and in person.
HOSTESS.
Yea, in truth, my lord.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you owe her,
and unpay the villainy you have done with her; the one you may do
with sterling money, and the other with current repentance.
FALSTAFF.
My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply.
You call honourable boldness impudent sauciness; if a man will
make curtsy and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord, my
humble duty rememb'red, I will not be your suitor. I say to you I do
desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty
employment in the King's affairs.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
You speak as having power to do wrong; but answer in
th' effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman.
FALSTAFF.
Come hither, hostess.
[Enter GOWER ]
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Now, Master Gower, what news?
GOWER.
The King, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales
Are near at hand. The rest the paper tells. [Gives a letter]
FALSTAFF.
As I am a gentleman!
HOSTESS.
Faith, you said so before.
FALSTAFF.
As I am a gentleman! Come, no more words of it.
HOSTESS.
By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to pawn
both my plate and the tapestry of my dining-chambers.
FALSTAFF.
Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking; and for thy
walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the
Prodigal, or the German hunting, in water-work, is worth a thousand of
these bed-hangers and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten
pound, if thou canst. Come, and 'twere not for thy humours, there's
not a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw the
action. Come, thou must not be in this humour with me; dost
not know me? Come, come, I know thou wast set on to this.
HOSTESS.
Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles;
i' faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so God save me, la!
FALSTAFF.
Let it alone; I'll make other shift. You'll be a fool still.
HOSTESS.
Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown.
I hope you'll come to supper. you'll pay me all together?
FALSTAFF.
Will I live? [To BARDOLPH] Go, with her, with her;
hook on, hook on.
HOSTESS.
Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?
FALSTAFF.
No more words; let's have her.
[Exeunt HOSTESS, BARDOLPH, and OFFICERS]
CHIEF JUSTICE.
I have heard better news.
FALSTAFF.
What's the news, my lord?
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Where lay the King to-night?
GOWER.
At Basingstoke, my lord.
FALSTAFF.
I hope, my lord, all's well. What is the news, my lord?
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Come all his forces back?
GOWER.
No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,
Are march'd up to my Lord of Lancaster,
Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.
FALSTAFF.
Comes the King back from Wales, my noble lord?
CHIEF JUSTICE.
You shall have letters of me presently.
Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.
FALSTAFF.
My lord!
CHIEF JUSTICE.
What's the matter?
FALSTAFF.
Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner?
GOWER.
I must wait upon my good lord here, I thank you, good Sir John.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you
are to take soldiers up in counties as you go.
FALSTAFF.
Will you sup with me, Master Gower?
CHIEF JUSTICE.
What foolish master taught you these manners, Sir John?
FALSTAFF.
Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool that
taught them me. This is the right fencing grace, my lord; tap
for tap, and so part fair.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Now, the Lord lighten thee! Thou art a great fool.
[Exeunt] _
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Read previous: ACT I: SCENE III
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