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Olive: A Novel, a novel by Dinah M. Mulock Craik |
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Chapter 38 |
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_ CHAPTER XXXVIII "No letters to-day from Harbury!" observed Mrs. Mora, as, some weeks after Olive's arrival, they were taking their usual morning airing along the Queen's Drive. "My dear, are you not wearying for news from home?" "Aunt Flora's house has grown quite home-like to me," said Olive, affectionately. It was true. She had sunk down, nestling into its peace like a tired broken-winged dove. As she sat beside the old lady, and drank in the delicious breezes that swept across from the Lothians, she was quite another creature from the pale drooping Olive Rothesay who had crept wearily up Harbury Hill. Still, the mention of the place even now took a little of the faint roses from her cheek. "I am glad you are happy, my dear niece," answered Mrs. Flora; "yet others should not forget you." "They do not. Christal writes now and then from Brighton, and Lyle Derwent indulges me with a long letter every week," said Olive, trying to smile. She did not mention Harold. She had hardly expected him to write; yet his silence grieved her. It felt like a mist of cold estrangement rising up between them. Yet--as sometimes she tried to think--perhaps it was best so! "Alison Gwynne was aye the worst of all correspondents," pursued the old lady, "but Harold might write to you: I think he did so once or twice when he was living with me here, this summer." "Yes;" said Olive, "we have always been good friends." "I know that. It was not little that we talked about you. He told me all that happened long ago between your _father_ and himself. Ah, that was a strange, strange thing!" "We have never once spoken of it--neither I nor Mr. Gwynne." "Harold could not. He was sair grieved, and bitterly he repented having 'robbed' you. But he was no the same man then that he is now. Ah, that gay young wife of his--fair and fause, fair and fause! It's ill for a man that loves such a woman. I would like well to see my dear Harold wed to some leal-hearted lassie. But I fear me it will never be." Thus the old lady's talk gently wandered on. Olive listened in silence, her eyes vacantly turned towards the wide open country that sweeps down from Duddingston Loch. The yellow harvest-clad valley smiled; but beneath the same bright sky the loch lay quiet, dark, and still. The sunshine passed over it, and entered it not. Olive wistfully regarded the scene, which seemed a symbol of her own fate. She did not murmur at it, for day by day her peace was returning. She tried to respond with cheerfulness to the new affections that greeted her on every side; to fill each day with those duties, that by the alchemy of a pious nature are so often transmuted into pleasures. She was already beginning to learn the blessed and heaven-sent truth, that no life ought to be wrecked for the love of one human being, and that no sinless sorrow is altogether incurable. The rest of the drive was rather dull, for Mrs. Flora, usually the most talkative, cheerful old lady in the world, seemed disposed to be silent and thoughtful. Not sad--sadness rarely comes to old age. All strong feelings, whether of joy or pain, belong to youth alone. "Ye will ride with Marion M'Gillivray the day?" said Mrs. Flora, after a somewhat protracted silence. "You bairns will not want an auld wifie like me." Olive disclaimed this, affirming, and with her whole heart, that she was never so happy as when with her good Aunt Flora. "'Tis pleasant to hear ye say the like of that. But it must be even so--for this night I would fain bide alone at home." The carriage stopped in Abercromby Place. "I will see ye again the morn," the old lady observed, as her niece descended. And then, after looking up pleasantly to the window, that was filled with a whole host of juvenile M'Gillivrays vehemently nodding and smiling, Aunt Flora pulled down her veil and drove away. "I thought you would be given up to us for to-day," said Marion, as she and Olive, now grown almost into friends, strolled out arm-in-arm along the shady walks of Morning-side. "Indeed! Did Aunt Flora say"---- "She said nothing--she never does. But for years I have noticed this 20th of September; because, when she lived with us, on this day, after teaching us in the morning, she used to go to her own room, or take a long, lonely walk,--come back very pale and quiet, and we never saw her again that night. It was the only day in the year that she seemed wishful to keep away from us. Afterwards, when I grew a woman, I found out why this was." "Did she tell you?" "No; Aunt Flora never talks about herself. But from her maid and foster-sister, an old woman who died a while ago, I heard a little of the story, and guessed the rest--one easily can," added quiet Marion. "I think I guess, too. But let me hear, that is, if I _may_ hear?" "Oh yes. 'Tis many, many years ago. Aunt Flora was quite a girl then, and lived with Sir Andrew, her elder brother. She had 'braw wooers' in plenty, according to Isbel Graeme (you should have seen old Isbel, cousin Olive). However, she cared for nobody; and some said it was for the sake of a far-away cousin of her own, one of the 'gay Gordons.' But he was anything but 'gay'--delicate in health, plain to look at, and poor besides. While he lived he never said to her a word of love; but after he died,--and that was not until both were past their youth,--there came to Aunt Flora a letter and a ring. She wears it on her wedding finger to this day." "And this 20th of September must have been the day _he_ died," said Olive. "I believe so. But she never says a word, and never did." The two walked on silently. Olive was thinking of the long woe-wasted youth--the knowledge of love requited came too late--and then of her who after this great blow could gird up her strength and endure for nearly fifty years. Ay, so as to find in life not merely peace, but sweetness. Olive's own path looked less gloomy to the view. From the depths of her forlorn heart uprose a feeble-winged hope; it came and fluttered about her pale lips, bringing to them The smile of one, God-satisfied; and earth-undone. Marion turned round and saw it. "Cousin Olive, how very mild, and calm, and beautiful you look! Before you came, Aunt Flora told us she had heard you were 'like a dove.' I can understand that now. I think, if I were a man, I should fall in love with you." "With me; surely you forget! Oh no, Marion, not with me; that would be impossible!" Marion coloured a little, but then earnestly continued, "I don't mean any one who was young and thoughtless, but some grave, wise man, who saw your soul in your face, and learned, slowly and quietly, to love you for your goodness. Ay, in spite of--of"----(here the frank, plain-speaking Marion again hesitated a little, but continued boldly) "any little imperfection which may make you fancy yourself different to other people. If that is your sole reason for saying, as you did the other day, that"---- "Nay, Marion, you have talked quite enough of me." "But you will forgive me! I could hate myself if I have pained you, seeing how much I love you, how much every one learns to love you." "Is it so? Then I am very happy!" And the smile sat long upon her face. "Can you guess whither I am taking you?" said Marion, as they paused before a large and handsome gateway. "Here is the Roman Catholic convent--beautiful St. Margaret's, the sweetest spot at Morningside. Shall we enter?" Olive assented. Of late she had often thought of those old tales of forlorn women, who, sick of life, had hidden themselves from the world in solitudes like this. Sometimes she had almost wished she could do the same. A feeling deeper than curiosity attracted her to the convent of St. Margaret's. It was indeed a sweet place; one that a weary heart might well long after. The whole atmosphere was filled with a soft calm--a silence like death, and yet a freshness as of new-born life. When the heavy door closed, it seemed to shut out the world; and without any sense of regret or loss, you passed, like a passing soul, into another existence. They entered the little convent-parlour. There, on the plain, ungamished walls, hung the two favourite pictures of Catholic worship; one, thorn-crowned, ensanguined, but still Divine; the other, the Mother lifted above all mothers in blessedness and suffering. Olive gazed long upon both. They seemed meet for the place. Looking at them, one felt as if all trivial earthly sorrows must crumble into dust before these two grand images of sublime woe. "I think," said Miss Rothesay, "if I were a nun, and had known ever so great misery, I should grow calm by looking at these pictures." "The nuns don't pass their time in that way I assure you," answered Marion M'Gillivray. "They spend it in making such things as these." And she pointed to a case of babyish ornaments, pin-cushions, and artificial flowers. "How very strange," said Olive, "to think that the interests and duties of a woman's life should sink down into such trifles as these. I wonder if the nuns are happy?" "Stay and judge, for here comes one, my chief friend here, Sister Ignatia." And Sister Ignatia--who was, despite her quaint dress, the most bright-eyed, cheerful-looking little Scotchwoman imaginable--stole in, kissed Marion on both cheeks, smiled a pleasant welcome on the stranger, and began talking in a manner so simple and hearty, that Olive's previous notions of a "nun" were cast to the winds. But, after a while, there seemed to her something painfully solemn in looking upon the sister's, where not one outward line marked the inward current which had run on for forty years--how, who could tell? All was silence now. They went all over the convent. There was a still pureness pervading every room. Now and then a black-stoled figure crossed their way, and vanished like a ghost. Sister Ignatia chattered merrily about their work, their beautiful flowers, and their pupils of the convent school. Happy, very happy, she said they all were at St. Margaret's; but it seemed to Olive like the aimless, thoughtless happiness of a child. Still, when there came across her mind the remembrance of herself--a woman, all alone, struggling with the world, and with her own heart; looking forward to a life's toil for bread and for fame, with which she must try to quench one undying thirst--when she thus thought, she almost longed for such an existence as this quiet monotony, without pleasure and without pain. "You must come and see our chapel, our beautiful chapel," said Sister Ignatia. "We have got pictures of our St. Margaret and all her children." And when they reached the spot--a gilded, decorated, flower-garden temple, she pointed out with great interest the various memorials of the sainted Scottish Queen. Olive thought, though she did not then say, that noble Margaret, the mother of her people, the softener of her half-savage lord, the teacher and guide of her children, was more near the ideal of womanhood than the simple, kind-hearted, but childish worshippers, who spent their lives in the harmless baby-play of decking her shrine with flowers. "Yet these are excellent women," said Marion M'Gillivray, when, on their departure, Olive expressed her thoughts aloud. "You cannot imagine the good they do in their restricted way. But still, if one must lead a solitary life I would rather be Aunt Flora!" "Yes, a thousand, thousand times! There is something far higher in a woman who goes about the world, keeping her heart consecrated to Heaven, and to some human memories; not shrinking from her appointed work, but doing it meekly and diligently, hour by hour through, life's long day; waiting until at eve God lifts the burden off, saying, 'Faithful handmaid, sleep!'" Olive spoke softly, but earnestly. Marion did not quite understand her. But she thought everything Miss Rothesay said must be true and good, and was always pleased to watch her the while, declaring that whenever she talked thus her face became "like an angels." Miss Rothesay spent the evening very happily, though in the noisy household of the M'Gillivrays. She listened to the elder girls' music, and let the younger tribe of "wee toddling bairnies" climb on her knee and pull her curls. Finally, she began to think that some of these days there would be great pleasure in becoming an universal "Aunt Olive" to the rising generation. She walked home, escorted valiantly by three stout boys, who guided her by a most circuitous route across Bruntsfield Links, that she might gain a moonlight view of the couchant lion of Arthur's Seat. They amused her the whole way home with tales of High-school warfare. On reaching the garden-gate she was half surprised to hear the unwonted cheerfulness of her own laugh. The sunshine she daily strove to cast around her was falling faintly back upon her own heart. "Good-night, good-night, Allan, and Charlie, and James. We must have another merry walk soon," was her gay adieu as the boys departed, leaving her in the garden-walk, where Mrs. Flora's tall hollyhocks cast a heavy shadow up to the hall-door. "You seem very happy, Miss Rothesay." The voice came from some one standing close by. The next instant her hand was taken in that of Harold Gwynne. But the pressure was very cold. Olive's heart, which had leaped up within her, sank down heavily, so heavily, that her greeting was only the chilling words, "I did not expect to see you here!" "Possibly not; but I--I had business in Edinburgh. However, it will not, I think, detain me long." He said this sharply even bitterly. Olive, startled by the suddenness of this meeting, could make no answer, but as they stood beneath the lamp she glanced at the face, whose every change she knew so well. She saw that something troubled him. Forgetful of all besides, her heart turned to him in sympathy and tenderness. "There is nothing wrong, surely! Tell me, are you quite well, quite happy? You do not know how glad I am to see you, my dear friend." And her hand alighted softly on his arm like a bird of peace. Harold pressed it and kept it there, as he often did; they were used to that kind of friendly familiarity. "You are very good, Miss Rothesay. Yes, all is well at Harbury. Pray, be quite easy on that account But I thought, hearing how merry you were at the garden-gate, that amidst your pleasures here you scarcely remembered us at all." His somewhat vexed tone went to Olive's heart. But she only answered, "You were not quite right there. I never forget my friends." "No, no! I ought to have known that. Forgive me; I speak rudely, unkindly; but I have so many things to embitter me just now. Let us go in, and you shall talk my ill-humour away, as you have done many a time." There was a repentant accent in his voice as he drew Olive's arm in his. And she--she looked, and spoke, and smiled, as she had long learned to do. In the little quiet face, the soft, subdued manner, was no trace of any passion or emotion. "Have you seen Aunt Flora?" said Olive, as they stood together in the parlour. "No. When I came she had already retired. I have only been here an hour. I passed that time in walking about the garden. Jean told me you would come in soon." "I would have come sooner had I known. How weary you must be after your journey! Come, take Aunt Flora's chair here, and rest." He did indeed seem to need rest. As he leaned back with closed eyes on the cushions she had placed, Olive stood and looked at him a moment. She thought, "Oh, that I were dead, and become an invisible spirit, that I might comfort and help him. But I shall never do it. Never in this world!" She pressed back two burning tears, and then began to move about the room, arranging little household matters for his comfort. She had never done so before, and now the duties seemed sweet and homelike, like those of a sister, or--a wife. Once she thought thus--but she dared not think again. And Harold was watching her, too; following her--as she deemed--with the listless gaze of weariness. But soon he turned his face from her, and whatever was written thereon Olive read no more. He was to stay that night, for Mrs. Flora's house was always his home in Edinburgh. But he seemed disinclined to talk. One or two questions Olive put about himself and his plans, but they seemed to increase his restlessness. "I cannot tell; perhaps I shall go; perhaps not at all. We will talk the matter over to-morrow--that is, if you are still kind enough to listen." She smiled. "Little doubt of that, I think." "Thank you! And now I will say good-night," observed Harold, rising. Ere he went, however, he looked down curiously into Olive's face. "You seem quite strong and well now, Miss Rothesay. You have been happy here?" "Happy--oh, yes! quite happy." "I thought it would be so--I was right! Though still--But I am glad, very glad to hear it. Good-night." He shook her hand--an easy, careless shake; not the close, lingering clasp--how different they were! Then he went quickly up-stairs to his chamber. But hour after hour sped; the darkness changed to dawn, the dawn to light, and still Olive lay sleepless. Her heart, stirred from its serenity, again swayed miserably to and fro. Vainly she argued with herself on her folly in giving way to these emotions; counting over, even in pitiful scorn, the years that she had past her youth. "Three more, and I shall be a woman of thirty. Yet here I lie, drowning my pillow with tears, like a love-sick girl. Oh that this trouble had visited me long ago, that I might have risen up from it like the young grass after rain! But now it falls on me like an autumn storm--it tears me, it crushes me; I shall never, never rise." When it was broad daylight, she roused herself, bathed her brow in water, shut out the sunbeams from her hot, aching eyes, and then lay down again and slept. Sleeping, she dreamed that she was walking with Harold Gwynne, hand-in-hand, as if they were little children. Suddenly he took her in his arms, clasping her close as a lover his betrothed; and in so doing pressed a bright steel into her heart. Yet it was such sweet death, that, waking, she would fain have wished it true. But she lifted her head, saw the sunlight dancing on the floor, and knew that the morning was come--that she must rise once more to renew her life's bitter strife. _ |
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