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Olive: A Novel, a novel by Dinah M. Mulock Craik |
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Chapter 30 |
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_ CHAPTER XXX The dwelling which Miss Rothesay entered was one of the keeper's cottages, built within the forest. The door stood open, for the place was too lowly, even for robbers; and, besides, its inmates had nothing to lose. Still, Olive thought it was wrong to leave a poor bedridden old woman in a state of such unprotected desolation. As her step was heard crossing the threshold, there was a shrill cry from the inner room. "John, John--the lad!--hast thee found the lad?" "It is not your son--'tis I. Why, what has happened, my good Margery?" But the poor old creature fell back and wrung her hands, sobbing bitterly. "The lad!--dun ye know aught o' the lad? Poor Reuben!--he wunnot come back no more! Alack! alack!" And with some difficulty Olive learnt that Margery's grandson, the keeper's only child, had gone into the forest some days before, and had never returned. It was no rare thing for even practised woodsmen to be lost in this wild, wide forest; and at night, in the winter time there was no hope. John Dent had gone out with his fellows, less to find the living than to bring back the dead. Filled with deep pity Olive sat down by the miserable grandmother; but the poor soul refused to be comforted. "John'll go mad--clean mad! There beant nowheres such a good lad as our Reuben; and to be clemmed to death, and froze! O Lord, tak' pity on us, miserable sinners!" For hours Olive sat by the old woman's bedside. The murky winter day soon closed in, and the snow began to fall; but still there was nothing heard save the wind howling in the forest. Often Margery started up, crying out that there were footsteps at the door, and then sank back in dumb despair. At last there was a tramp of many feet on the frozen ground, the latch was lifted, and John Dent burst in. He was a sturdy woodsman, of a race that are often seen in this forest region, almost giant-like in height and bulk. The snow lay thick on his uncovered head and naked breast, for he had stripped off all his upper garments to wrap round something that was clasped tightly in his arms. He spoke to no one, looked at no one, but laid his burden before the hearth supported on his knees. It was the corpse of a boy blue and shrivelled, like that of one frozen to death. He tried to chafe and bend the fingers, but they were as stiff as iron; he wrung the melting snow out of the hair, and, as the locks became soft and supple under his hand, seemed to think there was yet a little life remaining. "Why dunnot ye stir, ye fools! Get t' blanket--pull't off the ould woman. I tell 'ee the lad's alive." No one moved, and then the frantic father began to curse and swear. He rushed into old Margery's room. "Get up wi' thee. How darest thee lie hallooing there. Come and help t' lad!" and then he ran back to where poor Reuben's body lay extended on the hearth, surrounded by the other woodsmen, most of whom were pale with awe, some even melting into tears. John Dent dashed them all aside, and took his son again in his arms. Olive, from her corner, watched the writhings of his rugged features, but she ventured not to approach. "Tak' heart, tak' heart, John!" said one of the men. "He didna suffer much, I reckon," said another. "My owd mother was nigh froze to death in t' forest, and her said 'twas just like dropping to sleep. An' luck ye, the poor lad's face be as quiet as a child." "John Dent, mon!" whispered one old keeper; "say thy prayers; thee doesna often do't, and thee'll want it now." And then John Dent broke into such a paroxysm of despair, that one by one his comforters quitted the cottage. They, strong bold men, who feared none of the evils of life, became feeble as children before the awful face of Death. One only remained--the old huntsman who had given the last counsel to the wretched father. This man, whom Olive knew, was beckoned by her to Margery's room to see what could be done. "I'll fetch Mr. Gwynne to manage John, poor fellow! The devil's got un, sure enough; and it'll tak' a parson to drive't away. But ourn be a queer gentleman. When I get to Harbury, what mun I say!" "Say that I am here--that I entreat him to come at once," cried Olive, feeling her strength sinking before this painful scene, from which in common charity she could not turn aside. She came once more to look at John Dent, who had crouched down before the hearth, with the stiff form of the poor dead boy extended on his knees, gazing at it with a sort of vacant, hopeless misery. Then she went back to the old woman, and tried to speak of comfort and of prayer. It was not far to Harbury, but, in less time than Olive had expected, Harold Gwynne appeared. "Miss Rothesay, you sent for me!" "I did--I did. Oh, thank Heaven that you are come," eagerly cried Olive, clasping his two hands. He regarded her with a surprised and troubled look, and took them away. "What do you wish me to do!" "What a minister of God is able--nay, bound to do--to speak comfort in this house of misery." The poor old woman echoed the same entreaty-- "Oh, Mr. Gwynne, you that be a parson, a man of God, come and help us." Harold looked round, and saw he had to face the woe that no worldly comfort or counsel can lighten;--that he had entered into the awful presence of the Power, which, stripping man of all his earthly pomp, wisdom, and strength, leaves him poor, weak, and naked before his God. The proud, the moral, the learned Harold Gwynne, stood dumb before the mystery of Death. It was too mighty for him. He looked on the dead boy, and on the living father; then cast his eyes down to the ground, and muttered within himself, "What should I do here?" "Read to him--pray with him," whispered Olive. "Speak to him of God--of heaven--of immortality." "God--heaven--immortality," echoed Harold, vacantly, but he never stirred. "They say that this man has been a great sinner, and an unbeliever. Oh, tell him that he cannot deceive himself now. Death knells into his ear that there is a God--there is a hereafter. Mr. Gwynne, oh tell him that, at a time like this, there is no comfort, no hope, save in God and in His Word." Olive had spoken thus in the excitement of the moment; then recovering herself, she asked pardon for a speech so bold, as if she would fain teach the clergyman his duty. "My duty--yes, I must do my duty," muttered Harold Gwynne. And with his hard-set face--the face he wore in the pulpit--he went up to the father of the dead child, and said something about "patience," "submission to the decrees of Providence," and "all trials being sent for good, and by the will of God." "Dun ye talk to me of God? I know nought about him, parson--ye never learned me." Harold's rigid mouth quivered visibly, but he made no direct answer, only saying, in the same formal tone, "You go to church--at least, you used to go--you have heard there about 'God in his judgments remembering mercy.'" "Mercy! ye mun easy say that; why did He let the poor lad die i' the snow, then?" And Harold's lips hesitated over those holy words "The Lord gave and the Lord taketh away." "He should ha' takken th' owd mother, then. She's none wanted; but the dear lad--the only one left out o' six--oh, Reuben, Reuben, wunna ye never speak to your poor father again?" He looked on the corpse fixedly for some minutes, and then a new thought seemed to strike him. "That's not my lad--my merry little lad!--I say," he cried, starting up and catching Mr. Gwynne's arm; "I say, you parson that ought to know, where's my lad gone to?" Harold Gwynne's head sank upon his breast: he made no answer. Perhaps--ay, and looking at him, the thought smote Olive with a great fear--perhaps to that awful question there was no answer in his soul. John Dent passed him by, and came to the side of Olive Rothesay. "Miss, folk say you're a good woman. Dun ye know aught o' these things--canna ye tell me if I shall meet my poor lad again?" And then Olive, casting one glance at Mr. Gwynne, who remained motionless, sat down beside the childless father, and talked to him of God--not the Infinite Unknown, into whose mysteries the mightiest philosophers may pierce and find no end--but the God mercifully revealed, "Our Father which is in heaven"--He to whom the poor, the sorrowing, and the ignorant may look, and not be afraid. Long she spoke; simply, meekly, and earnestly. Her words fell like balm; her looks lightened the gloomy house of woe. When, at length, she left it, John Dent's eyes followed her, as though she had been a visible angel of peace. It was quite night when she and Harold wont out of the cottage. The snow had ceased falling, but it lay on every tree of the forest like a white shroud. And high above, through the opening of the branches, was seen the blue-black frosty sky, with its innumerable stars. The keen, piercing cold, the utter stirlessness, the mysterious silence, threw a sense of death--white death--over all things. It was a night when one might faintly dream what the world would be, if the infidel's boast were true, and _there were no God_. They walked for some time in perfect silence. Troubled thoughts were careering like storm-clouds over Olive's spirit. Wonder was there, and pity, and an indefined dread. As she leaned on Mr. Gwynne's arm, she had a presentiment that in the heart whose strong beating she could almost feel, was prisoned some great secret of woe or wrong, before which she herself would stand aghast. Yet such was the nameless attraction which drew her to this man, that the more she dreaded, the more she longed to discover his mystery, whatsoever it might be. She determined to break the silence. "Mr. Gwynne, I trust you will not think it presumption in me to have spoken as I did, instead of you; but I saw how shocked and overpowered you were, nor wondered at your silence." He answered in the low tone of one struggling under great excitement. "You noticed my silence, then?--that I, summoned as a clergyman to give religious consolation, had none to offer." "Nay, you did attempt some." "Ay, I tried to preach faith with my lips, and could not, because there was none in my heart. No, nor ever will be!" Olive looked at him uncomprehending, but he seemed to shrink from her observation. "I am indeed truly grieved," she began to say, but he stopped her. "Do not speak to me yet, I pray you." She obeyed; though yearning with pity over him. Hitherto, in all their intercourse, whatever had been his kindness towards her, towards him she had continually felt a sense of restraint--even of fear. That controlling influence, which Mr. Gwynne seemed to exercise over all with whom he deigned to associate, was heavy upon Olive Rothesay. Before him she felt more subdued than she had ever done before any one; in his presence she unconsciously measured her words and guarded her looks, as if meeting the eye of a master. And he was a master--a man born to rule over the wills of his brethren, swaying them at his lightest breath, as the wind bends the grass of the field. But now the sceptre seemed torn from his hand--he was a king no more. He walked along--his head drooped, his eyes fixed on the ground. And beholding him thus, there came to Olive, in the place of fear, a strong compassion, tender as strong, and pure as tender. Angel-like, it arose in her heart, ready to pierce his darkness with its shining eyes--to fold around him and all his misery its sheltering wings. He was a great and learned man, and she a lowly woman; in her knowledge far beneath him, in her faith--oh! how immeasurably above! She began very carefully. "You are not well, I fear. This painful scene has been too much, even for you. Death seems more horrible to men than to feeble women." "Death!--do you think that I fear Death?" and he clenched his hand as though he would battle with the great Destroyer. "No!--I have met him--stood and looked at him--until my eyes were blinded, and my brain reeled. But what am I saying? Don't heed me, Miss Rothesay; don't." And he began to walk on hurriedly. "You are ill, I am sure; and there is something that rests on your mind," said Olive, in a quiet, soft tone. "What!--have I betrayed anything? I mean, have you anything to charge me with! Have I left any duty unfulfilled; said any words unbecoming a clergyman?" asked he with a freezing haughtiness. "Not that I am aware. Forgive me, Mr. Gwynne, if I have trespassed beyond the bounds of our friendship. For we are friends--have you not often said so?" "Yes, and with truth. I respect you, Miss Rothesay. You are no thoughtless girl, but a woman who has, I am sure, both felt and suffered! I have suffered too; therefore it is no marvel we are friends. I am glad of it." He seldom spoke so frankly, and never had done what he now did--of his own accord, to take and clasp her hand with a friendly air of confidence. Long after the pressure passed from Olive's fingers, its remembrance lingered in her heart. They walked on a little farther; and then he said, not without some slight agitation, "Miss Rothesay, if you are indeed my friend, listen to one request I make;--that you will not say anything, think anything, of whatever part of my conduct this day may have seemed strange to you. I know not what fate it is that has thus placed you, a year ago a perfect stranger, in a position which forces me to speak to you thus. Still less can I tell what there is in you which draws from me much that no human being has ever drawn before. Accept this acknowledgment, and pardon me." "Nay, what have I to pardon? Oh, Mr. Gwynne, if I might be indeed your friend--if I could but do you any good!" "You do good to _me?_" he muttered bitterly. "Why, we are as far apart as earth from heaven, nay, as heaven from hell; that is if there be----. Madman that I am! Miss Rothesay, do not listen to me. Why do you lead me on to speak thus?" "Indeed, I do not comprehend you. Believe me, Mr. Gwynne, I know very well the difference between us. I am an unlearned woman, and you"---- "Ay, tell me what I am--that is, what you think I am. "A wise and good man; but yet one in whom great intellect may at times overpower that simple Faith, which is above all knowledge; that Love, which, as said the great apostle of our Church"---- "Silence!" His deep voice rose and fell, like the sound of a breaking wave. Then he stopped, turned full upon her, and said, in a fierce, keen, whisper, "Would you learn the truth? You shall! Know, then, that I believe in none of these things I teach--I am an infidel!" Olive's arm fell from him. "Do you shrink from me, then? Good and pious woman, do you think I am Satan standing by your side?" "Oh, no, no!" She made an effort to restrain herself; it failed, and she burst into tears. Harold looked at her. "Meek and gentle soul! It would, perhaps, have been good for me had Olive Rothesay been born my sister." "I would I had--I would I had! But, oh! this is awful to hear. You, an unbeliever--you, who all these years have been a minister at the altar--what a fearful thing!" "You say right--it is fearful. Think now what my life is, and has been. One long lie--a lie to man and to God. For I do believe so far," he added, solemnly; "I believe in the one ruling Spirit of the universe--unknown, unapproachable. None but a madman would deny the existence of a God." He ceased, and looked upwards with his piercing eyes--piercing, yet full of restless sorrow. Then he approached his companion. "Shall we walk on, or do you utterly renounce me?" said he, with a touching, sad humility. "Renounce you!" "Ah! you would not, could you know all I have endured. To me, earth has been a hell--not the place of flames and torments of which your divines prate, but the true hell--that of the conscience and the soul. I, too, a man whose whole nature was athirst for truth. I sought it first among its professors; there I found that they who, too idle or too weak to demonstrate their creed, took it upon trust, did what their fathers did, believed what their fathers believed--were accounted orthodox and pious men; while those who, in their earnest eager youth, dared--not as yet to doubt, but meekly to ask a reason for their faith--they were at once condemned as impious. But I pain you: shall I go on, or cease?" "Go on." "Truth, still truth, I yearned for in another form--in domestic peace--in the love of woman.--My soul was famishing for any food; I snatched this--in my mouth it became ashes!" His voice seemed choking, but with an effort he continued. "After this time I gave up earth, and turned to interests beyond it. With straining eyes I gazed into the Infinite--and I was dazzled, blinded, whirled from darkness to light, and from light to darkness--no rest, no rest! This state lasted long, but its end came. Now I walk like a man in his sleep, feeling nothing, fearing nothing,--no, thou mighty Unknown, I do _not_ fear! But then I hope nothing: I believe nothing. Those pleasant dreams of yours--God, Heaven, Immortality--are to me meaningless words. At times I utter them, and they seem to shine down like pitiless stars upon the black boiling sea in which I am drowning." "Oh, God, have mercy!" moaned Olive Rothesay. "Give me strength that my own faith fail not, and that I may bring Thy light unto this perishing soul!" And turning to Harold, she said aloud, as calmly as she could, "Tell me--since you have told me thus far--how you came to take upon yourself the service of the Church; you who"---- "Ay, well may you pause and shudder! Hear, then, how the devil--if there be one--can mock men's souls in the form of an angel of light. But it is a long history--it may drive me to utter things that you will shrink from." "I _will_ hear it." There was, in that soft, firm voice an influence which Harold perforce obeyed. She was stronger than he, even as light is stronger than darkness. Mr. Gwynne began, speaking quietly, even humbly. "When I was a youth studying for the Church, doubts came upon my mind, as they will upon most young minds whose strivings after truth are hedged in by a thorny rampart of old worn-out forms. Then there came a sudden crisis in my life; I must either enter on a ministry in whose creed I only half believed, or let my mother--my noble, self-denying mother--starve. You know her, Miss Rothesay, though you know not half that she is, and ever was to me. But you do know what it is to have a beloved mother." "Yes." Infidel as he was, she could have clung to Harold Gwynne, and called him brother. "Well, after a time of great inward conflict, I decided--for her sake. Though little more than a boy in years, struggling in a chaos of mingled doubt and faith, I bound myself to believe whatever the Church taught, and to lead souls to heaven in the Church's own road. These very bonds, this vow so blindly to be fulfilled, made me, in after years, an infidel." He paused to look at her. "I am listening, speak on," said Olive Rothesay. "As you say truly, I am one whose natural bent of mind is less to faith than to knowledge. Above all, I am one who hates all falsehood, all hypocritical show. Perchance in the desert I might have learned to serve God. Face to face with Him I might have worshiped His revealings. But when between me and the one great Truth came a thousand petty veils of cunning forms and blindly taught precedents; when among my brethren I saw wicked men preaching virtue--men without brains enough to acquire a mere worldly profession, such as law or physic, set to expound the mighty mysteries of religion--then I said to myself, 'The whole system is a lie!' So I cast it from me, and my soul stood forth in its naked strength before the Creator of all." "But why did you still keep up this awful mockery?" "Because," and his voice sounded hoarse and hollow, "just then there was upon me a madness which all men have in youth--love. For that I became a liar in the face of Heaven, of men, and of my own soul." "It was a great sin." "I know it; and, being such, it fell down upon my head in a curse. Since then I have been what you now see me--a very honest, painstaking clergyman; doing good, preaching, certainly not doctrine, but blameless moralities, carrying a civil face to the world, and a heart--Oh God! whosoever and whatsoever Thou art, Thou knowest what blackest darkness there is _there!_" She made no answer. After a few minutes, Mr. Gwynne said, "You must forgive me, Miss Rothesay." "I do. And so will He whom you do not know, but whom you will know yet! I will pray for you--I will comfort you. I wish I were indeed your sister, that I might never leave you until I brought you to faith and peace." He smiled very faintly. "Thank you; it is something to feel there is goodness in the world. I did not believe in any except my mother's. Perhaps if she had known all this--if I could have told her--I had not been the wretched man I am." "Hush; do not talk any more." And then she stood beside him for some minutes quite silent, until he grew calm. They were on the verge of the forest, close to Olive's home. It was about seven in the evening, but all things lay as in the stillness of midnight. They two might have been the only beings in the living world--all else dead and buried under the white snow. And then, lifting itself out of the horizon's black nothingness, arose the great red moon, like an immortal soul. "Look!" said Olive. He looked once, and no more. Then, with a sigh, he placed her arm in his, and walked with her to her own door. Arrived there, he bade her adieu, adding, "I would bid God bless you; but in such words from me, you would not believe. How could you?" He said this with a mournful emphasis, to which she could not reply. "But," he continued in a tone of eager anxiety, "remember that I have trusted you. My secret is in your hands. You will be silent, I know; silent as death, or eternity.--That is, as both are to me!" Olive promised; and he left her. She stood listening, until the echo of his footfall ceased along the frosty road; then, clasping her hands, she lifted once more the petition "for those who have erred and are deceived," the prayer which she had once uttered--unconscious how much and by whom it was needed. Now she said it with a yearning cry--a cry that would fain pierce heaven, and ringing above the loud choir of saints and angels, call down mercy on one perishing human soul. _ |
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