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Sister Teresa, a novel by George Augustus Moore |
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Chapter 30 |
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_ CHAPTER XXX It was the day of the month when the nuns watched by day and night before the Sacrament. Cecilia's watch came at dawn, at half-past two, and the last watcher knocked at her cell in the dusk, telling her she must get up at once. But Cecilia answered: "I cannot get up, Sister, I cannot watch before the Sacrament this morning." "And why, Sister? Are you ill?" "Yes, I am very ill." "And what has made you ill?" "A dream, Sister." And seeing it was Angela who had come to awaken her, Cecilia rose from her pillow, saying, "A horrible dream, not a counterpart like yours, Angela; oh! I can't think of it! It would be impossible for me to take my watch." And walking down the passage, not knowing what to make of Cecilia's answers, Angela stopped at Barbara's cell to tell her Cecilia was ill and could not take her watch that morning. "And you must watch for her." "Why... what is it?" "I can tell you no more, Cecilia's ill." And she hurried away to avoid further questions, wondering what reason stupid Cecilia would give Mother Hilda for her absence from chapel and the row there would be if she were to tell that a counterpart had visited her! If she could only get a chance to tell Cecilia that she must say she was ill! If she didn't--Angela's thoughts turned to her little counterpart, from whom she might be separated for ever. No chance of speaking happened as the procession moved towards the refectory; and after breakfast the novices bent their heads over their work, when Mother Hilda said: "I hear, Cecilia, that you were so ill this morning that you couldn't take your watch." "It wasn't illness--not exactly." "What, then?" "A bad dream, Mother." "It must have been a very bad dream to prevent you from getting up to take your watch. I'm afraid I don't believe in dreams." The novices breathed more freely, and their spirits rose when Mother Hilda said, "The cake was heavy; you must have eaten too much of it. Barbara, you must take notice of this indigestion, for you are fond of cake." The novices laughed again, and thought themselves safe. But after breakfast the Prioress sent for Cecilia, and they saw her leave the novitiate angry with them all--she had caught sight of their smiles and dreaded their mockery, and went to the Prioress wondering what plausible contradiction she could give to Angela's story of the ugly counterpart, so she was taken aback by the first question. "Now, what is it that I hear about a refusal to get up to take your watch? Such a thing--" "Not laziness, Mother. Mother, if you knew what my dream was, you would understand it was impossible for me to watch before the Sacrament." "A dream!" Cecilia didn't answer. "You can tell me your dream...I shall be able to judge for myself." "No, no; it is too frightful!" And Cecilia fell upon her knees. "One isn't responsible for one's dreams." "Is that so, Mother? But if one prays?" "But you don't pray for dreams?" "Not for the dream I had last night." "Well, for what did you pray? Praying for dreams, Cecilia, is entirely contrary to the rule, or to the spirit of the rule." "But Veronica, Angela, Rufina--they all pray that their counterparts may visit them." "Counterparts!" the old woman answered. "What are you talking about?" "Must I tell you?" "Of course you must tell me." "But it will seem like spite on my part." "Spite! Spite?" "Because they have gotten beautiful counterparts through their prayers, whereas--Oh, Mother, I cannot tell you." The Prioress forgot the stupid girl at her feet. "Counterparts!" "Who visit them." "Counterparts visiting them! You don't mean that anybody comes into the convent?" "Only in dreams." Cecilia tried to explain, but stumbled in her explanation so often that the Reverend Mother interrupted her: "Cecilia, you are talking nonsense! I have never heard anything like it before!" "But what I am telling you, Mother, is in the gospel Nicodemus--" "Gospel of Nicodemus!" "The harrowing of hell!" "But what has all this got to do--I cannot understand you." The story was begun again and again. "Veronica's counterpart an angel, with luminous tints in his flesh; Angela's a child drowned in Noah's flood! But--" The Prioress checked her words. Had all the novices taken leave of their senses? Had they gone mad?... It looked like it. Anyhow, this kind of thing must be put a stop to and at once. She must get the whole truth out of this stupid girl at her feet, who blubbered out her story, obviously trying to escape punishment by incriminating others. "So you were praying that an angel might visit you; but what came was quite different?" "Mother, Mother!" howled Cecilia; "it was a dwarf, but I didn't want him in my bed. I've been punished enough.... Anything more horrible--" "In your bed!... anything so horrible? What do you mean?" "Am I to tell you? Must I?" "Certainly." "After all, it was only a dream." "Go on." "First I was awakened by a smell coming down the chimney." "But there are no chimneys." "I'm telling what I thought. There was a smell, which sometimes seemed to collect in one corner of the room, sometimes in another. At last it seemed to come from under the bed and... he crawled out." "Who crawled out!" "The dwarf--a creature with a huge head and rolling eyes and a great tongue. That is all I saw, for I was too frightened; I heard him say he was my counterpart, but I cried out, Mother, that it was not true. He laughed at me, and said I had prayed for him. Then it seemed, Mother, I was running away from him, only I was checked at every moment by the others--Veronica, Barbara, and Angela--who put their feet out so that I might fall; and they caught me by the arms; and all were laughing, saying, 'Look at Sister Cecilia's counterpart; she has got one at last and is running away from him. But he shall get her; he shall get her.' I ran on until I found myself in a corner, between two brick walls, and the dwarf standing in front of me, rolling up his night-shirt in his hands, and telling me he was in great agony; for his punishment was to swallow all the souls of the nuns who had made bad Communions, and that I was to come at once with him. I wouldn't go, but he took me by both hands, dragging me towards the chapel. I told him Father Daly would sprinkle holy water upon him; but he didn't seem to mind, Mother. If I hadn't been awakened by Barbara knocking at my; door I don't know--" "Now you see, my dear child, what comes of praying for counterparts.... This must be seen into at once." "But you will not say that I told you?" "Cecilia, I have heard enough; it isn't for you to ask me to make any promises. Be sure, I shall try to act for the best. Mother Hilda and Mother Philippa know nothing of these stories?" "Nothing; it is entirely between the novices." "You can go now, and remember not a word of what has passed between us, not a word." "But I must confess to Father Daly. My mind wouldn't be at rest if I didn't, for the dwarf did take me in his arms." "You can confess to Father Daly if you like; but I can't see you have committed any sin; you've been merely very foolish." And the Prioress turned towards the window, wondering if she should consult with Father Daly. The secret would not be kept; Angela and Veronica would speak about it, and there were others more or less implicated, no doubt, and these would have recourse to Father Daly for advice, or to Mother Hilda. "Come in. So it is you, Teresa? Disturbing me! No, you are not disturbing me; I am not busy, and if I were it wouldn't matter. You want to talk to me. Now, about what?" There was only one subject which would cause Evelyn to hesitate, so the Prioress guessed that she had come to tell her that she wished to leave the convent. "Well, Teresa, be it so; I cannot argue with you any more about a vocation. I suppose you know best." "You seem very sad, Mother?" "Yes, I am sad; but you are not the cause of my sadness, though what you have come to tell me is sad enough. I was just coming to the conclusion, when you came into the room, that things must take their course. God is good; his guiding hand is in everything, so I suppose all that is happening is for the best. But it is difficult to see whither it is tending, if it be not towards the dissolution of the Order." "The dissolution of the Order, Mother!" "Well, if not of its dissolution, at all events of a change in the rule. You know that many here--Mother Philippa, Sister Winifred, aided and abetted by Father Daly--are anxious for a school, and we can only have a school by becoming an active Order. You have helped us a great deal, and our debts are no longer as pressing as they were; but we still owe a good deal of money, and as you do not intend to become a member of the community you will take your money away with you. And this fact will strengthen the opposition against me." The Prioress lay back in her chair, white and frail, exhausted by the heat. "May I pull down the blind, Mother?" "Yes, you may, dear; the sun is very hot." "Your determination to leave us isn't the only piece of bad news which reached me this morning. Have you heard of Sister Cecilia's adventure with her counterpart?" Evelyn nodded and tried to repress a smile. "It is difficult not to smile, so ridiculous is her story; and if I didn't look upon the matter as very serious, I shouldn't be able to prevent myself from smiling." "But you will easily be able, Mother, to smile at this nonsense. Veronica, who is a most pious girl, will not allow her mind to dwell on counterparts since she knows it to be a sin, or likely to lead to sin, and Angela and the others--if there are any others--" "That will not make an end to the evil. Everything, my dear Teresa, declines. Ideas, like everything else, have their term of life. Everything declines, everything turns to clay, and I look upon this desire for spiritual visitations as a warning that the belief which led to the founding of this Order has come to an end! From such noble prayers as led to the founding of this Order we have declined to prayers for the visitation of counterparts." Evelyn was about to interrupt, but the Prioress shook her head, saying, "Well, if not the whole of the convent, at all events part of it--several novices." And she told Evelyn the disease would spread from nun to nun, and that there was no way of checking it. "Unless by becoming an active order," Evelyn answered, "founding a school." The old woman rose to her feet instantly, saying that she had spoken out of a moment of weakness; and that it would be cowardly for her to give way to Mother Philippa and Sister Winifred; she would never acquiesce in any alteration of the rule. "But you, too," she said, "are inclined towards the school?" Evelyn admitted she was thinking of the poor, people whom she had left to their fate, so that she might save herself from sin; and the talk of the two women dropped from the impersonal to the personal, Evelyn telling the Prioress a great deal more of herself than she had told before, and the Prioress confiding to Evelyn in the end her own story, a simple one, which Evelyn listened to with tears in her eyes. "Before I came here I was married, and before I was married I often used to come to the convent, for I was fond of the nuns, and was a pious girl. But after my marriage I was captured by life--the vine of life grew about me and held me tight. One day, passing by the door of the convent, my husband said, 'It is lucky that love rescued you, for when I met you you were a little taken by the convent, and might have become a nun if you hadn't fallen in love. You might have shut yourself up there and lived in grey habit and penances!' That day I wore a grey silk dress, and I remember lifting the skirt up as we passed the door and hitting the kerbstone with it. 'Shut up in that prison-house! Did I ever seriously think of such a thing?' These were my words, but God, in his great goodness and wisdom, resolved to bring me back. A great deal is required to save our souls, so deeply are we enmeshed in the delight of life and in the delight of one another.... God took my husband from me after an illness of three weeks. That happened forty years ago. I used to sit on the seashore, crying all day, and my little child used to put his arms about me and say, 'What is mammie crying for?' Then my child died; seemingly without any reason, and I felt that I could not live any longer amid the desires and activities of the world. I'll not try to tell you what my grief was; you have suffered grief, and can imagine it. Perhaps you can. I left my home and hurried here. When I saw you return, soon after your father's death; I couldn't but think of my own returning. I saw myself in you." "But, Mother, do you regret that you came here?" The old nun did not answer for some time. "It is hard to say, Teresa. There are deceptions everywhere, in the convent as in the world; and the mediocrity of the Sisters here is tiresome; one longs for a little more intelligence. And, as I was saying just now, everything declines; an idea ravels like a sleeve. Are you happy here?... You are not; I see it in your eyes." "The only ones who are happy here," Evelyn answered, "I am sure, are those like Veronica, who pass from the schoolroom to the novitiate." "You think that? But the convent is a great escapement. You came here, having escaped death only by an accident, and when you went to Rome to see your father you came back distraught, your mind unhinged, and it was months before you could believe that your sins could be forgiven. If you leave here, what will become of you? You will return to the stage." Evelyn smiled sadly. "You will meet your lovers again. Temptation will be by you; you are still a young woman. How old are you, Teresa?" "Thirty-eight. But I no longer feel young." "Then, do you not think it better to spend the last term with us? I am an old woman, Teresa, and you are the only friend I have in the convent, the only one who knows me; it would be a great charity if you were to remain with me.... But you fear I shall live too long? No, Teresa, the time will not be very long." "Mother, don't talk like that, it only grieves me. As long as you wish me to stay I'll stay." "But if I weren't here you would leave?" Evelyn did not answer. "You would be very lonely?" "Yes, I should be lonely." And then, speaking at the end of a long silence, she said, "Why did you send away Sister Mary John? She was my friend, and one must have a friend--even in a convent." "Teresa, I begged of her to remain. And you are lonely now without her?" "I should be lonelier, Mother, if you weren't here." "We will share our loneliness together." Evelyn seemed to acquiesce. "My dear child, you are very good; you have a kind heart. One sees it in your eyes." She left the Prioress's room frightened, saying. "Till the Prioress's death." _ |
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