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Make-believe: A Children's Play In A Prologue And Three Acts, a play by A. A. Milne |
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Act 2. Oliver's Island |
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_ ACT II. OLIVER'S ISLAND
(OLIVER is discovered lying flat on his--well, lying flat on the floor, deep in a book. The CURATE puts his head in at the door.) CURATE. Ah, our young friend, Oliver! And how are we this morning, dear lad? OLIVER (mumbling). All right, thanks. CURATE. That's well, that's well. Deep in our studies, I see, deep in our studies. And what branch of Knowledge are we pursuing this morning? OLIVER (without looking up). "Marooned in the Pacific," or "The Pirate's Bride." CURATE. Dear, dear, what will Miss Pinniger say to this interruption of our studies? OLIVER. Silly old beast. CURATE. Tut-tut, dear lad, that is not the way to speak of our mentors and preceptors. So refined and intelligent a lady as Miss Pinniger. Indeed I came here to see her this morning on a little matter of embroidered vestments. Where is she, dear lad? OLIVER. It isn't nine yet. CURATE (looking at his watch). Past nine, past nine. OLIVER (jumping up). Je-hoshaphat! CURATE. Oliver! Oliver! My dear lad! Swearing at _your_ age! Really, I almost feel it my duty to inform your aunt--- OLIVER. Fat lot of swearing in just mentioning one of the Kings of Israel. CURATE. Of Judah, dear boy, of Judah. To be ignorant on such a vital matter makes it even more reprehensible. I cannot believe that our dear Miss Pinniger has so neglected your education that---- [Enter our dear MISS PINNIGER, the Governess.] GOVERNESS. Ah, Mr. Smilax; how pleasant to see you! CURATE. My dear Miss Pinniger! You will forgive me for interrupting you in your labours, but there is a small matter of--ah!--- GOVERNESS. Certainly, Mr. Smilax. I will walk down to the gate with you. Oliver, where is Geraldine? OLIVER. Aunt Jane wanted her. GOVERNESS. Well, you should be at your lessons. It's nine o'clock. The fact that I am momentarily absent from the room should make no difference to your zeal. OLIVER (without conviction). No, Miss Pinniger. (He sits down at his desk, putting "Marooned in the Pacific" inside it.) CURATE (playfully). For men must work, Oliver, men must work. How doth the little busy bee--Yes, Miss Pinniger, I am with you. [They go out. OLIVER (opening his poetry book and saying it to himself). It was a summer evening--It was a summer evening--(He stops, refers to the book, and then goes on to himself) Old Kaspar's work was done. It was a summer evening, Old Kaspar's work was done--- [Enter GERALDINE--or JILL.] JILL. Where's Pin? OLIVER. Hallo, Jill. Gone off with Dearly Beloved. Her momentary absence from the room should make no difference to your zeal, my dear Geraldine. And what are we studying this morning, dear child? (To himself) It was a summer evening, Old Kaspar's work was done. JILL (giggling). Is that Pin? OLIVER. Pin and Dearly Beloved between them. She's a bit batey this morning. JILL (at her desk). And all my sums have done themselves wrong. (Hard at it with paper and pencil) What's nine times seven, Oliver? OLIVER. Fifty-six. Old Kaspar's work was done. Jolly well wish mine was. And he before his cottage door. Fat lot of good my learning this stuff if I'm going to be a sailor. I bet Beatty didn't mind what happened to rotten old Kaspar when he saw a German submarine. JILL. Six and carry five. Aunt Jane has sent for the doctor to look at my chest. OLIVER. What's the matter with your chest? JILL. I blew my nose rather loud at prayers this morning. OLIVER. I say, Jill, you _are_ going it! JILL. It wasn't my fault, Oliver. Aunt Jane turned over two pages at once and made me laugh, so I had to turn it into a blow. OLIVER. Bet you what you like she knew. JILL. Of course she did, and she'll tell the doctor, and he'll be as beastly as he can. What did she say to you for being late? OLIVER. I said somebody had bagged my sponge, and she wouldn't like me to come down to prayers all unsponged, and she said, "Excuses, Oliver, _always_ excuses! Leave me. I will see you later." Suppose that means I've got to go to bed this afternoon. Jill, if I do, be sporty and bring me up "Marooned in the Pacific." JILL. They'll lock the door. They always do. OLIVER. Then I shall jolly well go up for a handkerchief this morning, and shove it in the bed, just in case. Cave--here's Pin. [MISS PINNIGER returns to find them full of zeal.] GOVERNESS (sitting down at her desk). Well, Oliver, have you learnt your piece of poetry? OLIVER (nervously). I--I think so, Miss Pinniger. GOVERNESS. Close the book, and stand up and say it. (Oliver takes a last despairing look, and stands up.) Well? OLIVER. It was a summer evening--- GOVERNESS. The title and the author first, Oliver. Everything in its proper order. OLIVER. Oh, I say, I didn't know I had to learn the title. JILL (in a whisper). After Blenheim. GOVERNESS. Geraldine, kindly attend to your own work. OLIVER. After Blenheim. It was a summer evening. GOVERNESS. After Blenheim, by Robert Southey. One of our greatest poets. OLIVER. After Blenheim, by Robert Southey, one of our greatest poets. It was a summer evening, Old Kaspar's work was done--er--Old Kaspar's work was done--er--work was done, er . . . GOVERNESS. And he before--- OLIVER. Oh yes, of course. And he before--er--and he before--er--It was a summer evening, Old Kaspar's work was done, and he before--er--and he before--- Er, it _was_ a summer evening--- GOVERNESS. So you have already said, Oliver. OLIVER. I just seem to have forgotten this bit, Miss Pinniger. And he before--- GOVERNESS. Well, what was he before? OLIVER (hopefully). Blenheim? Oh no, it was _after_ Blenheim. GOVERNESS (wearily). His cottage door. OLIVER. Oo, yes. And he before his cottage door was sitting in the sun. (He clears his throat) Was sitting in the sun. Er--(He coughs again)--er--- GOVERNESS. You have a cough, Oliver. Perhaps the doctor had better see you when he comes to see Geraldine. OLIVER. It was just something tickling my throat, Miss Pinniger. Er--it was a summer evening. GOVERNESS. You haven't learnt it, Oliver? OLIVER. Yes, I have, Miss Pinniger, only I can't quite remember it. And he before his cottage door--- GOVERNESS. Is it any good, Geraldine, asking you if you have got any of your sums right? JILL. I've got one, Miss Pinniger . . . nearly right . . . except for some of the figures. GOVERNESS. Well, we shall have to spend more time at our lessons, that's all. This afternoon--ah--er--- (She stands up as AUNT JANE and the DOCTOR come in.) AUNT JANE. I'm sorry to interrupt lessons, Miss Pinniger, but I have brought the Doctor to see Geraldine. (To DOCTOR) You will like her to go to her room? DOCTOR. No, no, dear lady. There is no need. Her pulse--(He feels it)---dear, dear! Her tongue--(She puts it out)--tut-tut! A milk diet, plenty of rice-pudding, and perhaps she would do well to go to bed this afternoon. AUNT JANE. I will see to it, doctor. JILL (mutinously). I _feel_ quite well. DOCTOR (to AUNT JANE). A dangerous symptom. _Plenty_ of rice-pudding. GOVERNESS. Oliver was coughing just now. OLIVER (to himself). Shut up! DOCTOR (turning to OLIVER). Ah! His pulse--(Feels it)--tut-tut! His tongue--(OLIVER puts it out) Dear, dear! The same treatment, dear lady, as prescribed in the other case. OLIVER (under his breath). Beast! AUNT JANE. Castor-oil, liquorice-powder, ammoniated quinine--anything of that nature, doctor? DOCTOR. _As_ necessary, dear lady, _as_ necessary. The system must be stimulated. Nature must be reinforced. AUNT JANE (to GOVERNESS). Which do they dislike least? OLIVER and JILL (hastily). Liquorice-powder! DOCTOR. Then concentrate on the other two, dear lady. AUNT JANE. Thank you, doctor. [They go out.] GOVERNESS. We will now go on with our lessons. Oliver, you will have opportunities in your bedroom this afternoon of learning your poetry. By the way, I had better have that book which you were reading when I came in just now. OLIVER (trying to be surprised). Which book? JILL (nobly doing her best to save the situation). Miss Pinniger, if you're multiplying rods, poles, or perches by nine, does it matter if--- GOVERNESS. I am talking to Oliver, Geraldine. Where is that book, Oliver? OLIVER. Oh, _I_ know the one you mean. I must have put it down somewhere. (He looks vaguely about the room.) GOVERNESS. Perhaps you put it in your desk. OLIVER. My desk? JILL (going up to MISS PINNIGER with her work). You see, it's all gone wrong here, and I think I must have multiplied---- (Moving in front of her as she moves) I think I must have multiplied---- (Under cover of this, OLIVER makes a great effort to get the book into JILL'S desk, but it is no good.) GOVERNESS (brushing aside JILL and advancing on OLIVER). Thank you, _I_ will take it. OLIVER (looking at the title). Oh yes, this is the one. GOVERNESS. And I will speak to your aunt at _once_ about the behaviour of both of you. [She goes out.] OLIVER (gallantly). _I_ don't care. JILL. I did try to help you, Oliver. OLIVER. You wait. Won't I jolly well bag something of hers one day, just when she wants it. JILL. I'm afraid you'll find the afternoon rather tiring without your book. What will you do? OLIVER. I suppose I shall have to think. JILL. What shall you think about? OLIVER. I shall think I'm on my desert island. JILL. Which desert island? OLIVER. The one I always pretend I'm on when I'm thinking. JILL. Isn't there any one else on it ever? OLIVER. Oo, lots of pirates and Dyaks and cannibals and--other people. JILL. What sort of other people? OLIVER. I shan't tell you. This is a special think I thought last night. As soon as I thought of it, I decided to keep it for (impressively) a moment of great emergency. JILL (silenced). Oh! . . . Oliver? OLIVER. Yes? JILL. Let me be on your desert island this time. Because I did try to help you. OLIVER. Well--well---- (Generously) Well, you can if you like. JILL. Oh, thank you, Oliver. Won't you tell me what it's about, and then we can both think it together this afternoon. OLIVER. I expect you'll think all sorts of silly things that _never_ happen on a desert island. JILL. I'll try not to, Oliver, if you tell me. OLIVER. All right. JILL (coming close to him). Go on. OLIVER. Well, you see, I've been wrecked, you see, and the ship has foundered with all hands, you see, and I've been cast ashore on a desert island, you see. JILL. Haven't I been cast ashore too? OLIVER. Well, you will be this afternoon, of course. Well, you see, we land on the island, you see, and it's a perfectly ripping island, you see, and--and we land on it, you see, and. . . . * * * * * (But we are getting on too fast. When the good ship crashed upon the rock and split in twain, it seemed like that all aboard must perish. Fortunately OLIVER was made of stern mettle. Hastily constructing a raft and placing the now unconscious JILL upon it, he launched it into the seething maelstrom of waters and pushed off. Tossed like a cockle-shell upon the mountainous waves, the tiny craft with its precious freight was in imminent danger of foundering. But OLIVER was made of stern mettle. With dauntless courage he rigged a jury-mast, and placed a telescope to his eye. "Pull for the lagoon, JILL," cried the dauntless OLIVER, and in another moment. . . .) (As the raft glides into the still waters beyond the reef, we can see it more clearly. Can it be JILL'S bed, with OLIVER in his pyjamas perched on the rail, and holding up his bath-towel? Does he shorten sail for a moment to thump his chest and say, "But OLIVER was made of stern mettle"? Or is it----) (But the sun is sinking behind the swamp where the rattlesnakes bask. For a moment longer the sail gleams like copper in its rays, and then--fizz-z--we have lost it. See! Is that speck on the inky black waters the dauntless Oliver? It is. Let us follow to the island and see what adventures befall him.)
OLIVER. Tread carefully, Jill, there are lots of deadly rattlesnakes about. JILL (stepping hastily back into the boat). Oli-ver! OLIVER. You hear the noise of their rattles sometimes when the sun is sinking behind the swamp. (The deadly rattle of the rattlesnake is heard) There! JILL. Oh, Oliver, are they very deadly? Because if they are, I don't think I shall like your island. OLIVER. Those aren't. I always have their teeth taken out when ladies are coming. Besides, it's daylight now. (With a rapidity common in the tropics--although it may just be OLIVER'S gallantry--the sun climbs out of the sea, and floods the island, JILL, no longer frightened, steps out of the boat, and they walk up to the clearing in the middle.) JILL (looking about her). Oh, what a lovely island! I think it's lovely, Oliver. OLIVER (modestly). It's pretty decent, isn't it? Won't you lie down? I generally lie down here and watch the turtles coming out of the sea to deposit their eggs on the sand. JILL (lying down). How many do they de-deposit usually, Oliver? OLIVER. Oh, three--or a hundred. Just depends how hungry I am. Have a bull's-eye, won't you? JILL (excitedly). Oh, did you bring some? OLIVER (annoyed). Bring some? (Brightening up) Oh, you mean from the wreck? JILL (hastily). Yes, from the wreck. I mean besides the axe and the bag of nails and the gunpowder. OLIVER. Couldn't. The ship sank with all hands before I could get them. But it doesn't matter, because (going up to one of the trees) I recognise this as the bull's-eye tree. (He picks a couple of bull's-eyes and gives one to her.) JILL. Oh, Oliver, how lovely! Thank you. (She puts it in her mouth.) OLIVER (sucking hard). There was nothing but breadfruit trees here the first time I was marooned on it. Rotten things to have on a decent island. So I planted a bull's-eye tree, and a barley-sugar-cane grove, and one or two other things, and made a jolly ripping place of it. JILL (pointing). What's that tree over there? OLIVER. That one? Rice-pudding tree. JILL (getting up indignantly). Oliver! Take me back to the boat at once. OLIVER. I say, shut up, Jill. You didn't think I meant it for _you_, did you? JILL. But there's only you and me on the island. OLIVER. What about the domestic animals? I suppose _they've_ got to eat. JILL. Oh, how lovely! Have we got a goat and a parrot, and a--a-- OLIVER. Much better than that. Look in that cage there. JILL. Oh, is that a cage? I never noticed it. What do I do? OLIVER (going to it). Here, I'll show you (He draws the blind, and the DOCTOR is exposed sitting on a stump of wood and blinking at the sudden light) What do you think of that? JILL. Oliver! OLIVER (proudly). I thought of that in bed one night. Spiffing idea, isn't it? I've got some other ones in the plantation over there. Awfully good specimens. I feed 'em on rice-pudding. JILL. Can this one talk? OLIVER. I'm teaching it. (Stirring it up with a stick) Come up there. DOCTOR (mumbling). Ninety-nine, ninety-nine . . . OLIVER. That's all it can say at present. I'm going to give it a swim in the lagoon to-morrow. I want to see if there are any sharks. If there aren't, then we can bathe there afterwards. (The DOCTOR shudders.) JILL. Have you given it a name yet? I think I should like to call it Fluffkins. OLIVER. Righto! Good night, Fluffkins. Time little doctors were in bed. (He pulls down the blind.) JILL (lying down again). Well, I think it's a lovely island. OLIVER (lying beside her). If there's anything you want, you know, you've only got to say so. Pirates or anything like that. There's a ginger-beer well if you're thirsty. JILL (closing her eyes). I'm quite happy, Oliver, thank you. OLIVER (after a pause, a little awkwardly). Jill, you didn't ever want to marry a pirate, did you? JILL (still on her back with her eyes shut). I hadn't thought about it much, Oliver dear. OLIVER. Because I can get you an awfully decent pirate, if you like, and if I was his brother-in-law it would be ripping. I've often been marooned with him, of course, but never as his brother-in-law. JILL. Why don't you marry his daughter and be his son-in-law? OLIVER. He hasn't got a daughter. JILL. Well, you could think him one. OLIVER. I don't want to. If ever I'm such a silly ass as to marry, which I'm jolly well not going to be, I shall marry a--a dusky maiden. Jill, be sporty. All girls have to get married some time. It's different with men. JILL. Very well, Oliver. I don't want to spoil your afternoon. OLIVER. Good biz. (He stands up, shuts his eyes and waves his hands about.) [Enter the PIRATE CHIEF.] PIRATE CHIEF (with a flourish). Gentles, your servant. Commodore Crookshank, at your service. Better known on the Spanish Main as One-eared Eric. OLIVER. Glad to meet you, Commodore. I'm--er-- Two-toed Thomas, the Terror of the Dyaks. But you may call me Oliver, if you like. This is my sister Jill--the Pride of the Pampas. PIRATE CHIEF (with another bow). Charmed! JILL (politely). Don't mention it, Commodore. OLIVER. My sister wants to marry you. Er--carry on. (He moves a little away from them and lies down.) JILL (sitting down and indicating a place beside her). Won't you sit down, Commodore? PIRATE CHIEF. Thank you, madam. The other side if I may. I shall hear better if you condescend to accept me. (He sits down on the other side of her.) JILL. Oh, I'm so sorry! I was forgetting about your ear. PIRATE CHIEF. Don't mention it. A little discussion in the La Plata river with a Spanish gentleman. At the end of it I was an ear short and he was a head short. It was considered in the family that I had won. (There is an awkward pause.) JILL (shyly). Well, Commodore? PIRATE CHIEF. Won't you call me Eric? JILL. I am waiting, Eric. PIRATE CHIEF. Madam, I am not a marrying man, not to any extent, but if you would care to be Mrs. Crookshank, I'd undertake on my part to have the deck swabbed every morning, and to put a polish on the four-pounder that you could see your pretty face in. JILL. Eric, how sweet of you. But I think you must speak to my brother in the library first. Oli-ver! OLIVER (coming up). Hallo! Settled it? JILL. It's all settled, Oliver, between Eric and myself, but you will want to ask him about his prospects, won't you? OLIVER. Yes, yes, of course. PIRATE. I shall be very glad to tell you anything I can, sir. I think I may say that I am doing fairly well in my profession. OLIVER. What's your ship? A sloop or a frigate? PIRATE. A brigantine. JILL (excited). Oh, that's what Oliver puts on his hair when he goes to a party. OLIVER (annoyed). Shut up, Jill! A brigantine? Ah yes, a rakish craft, eh, Commodore? PIRATE (earnestly). Extremely rakish. OLIVER. And how many pieces of eight have you? PIRATE. Nine thousand. OLIVER. Ah! (To JILL) What's nine times eight? JILL (to herself). Nine times eight. OLIVER (to himself). Nine times eight. PIRATE (to himself). Nine times eight. JILL. Seventy-two. PIRATE. I made it seventy-one, but I expect you're right. OLIVER. Then you've seventy-two thousand pieces altogether? PIRATE. Yes, sir, about that. OLIVER. Any doubloons? PIRATE. Hundreds of 'em. OLIVER. Ingots of gold? PIRATE. Lashings of 'em. JILL. And he's going to polish up the four-pounder until I can see my face in it. OLIVER. I was just going to ask you about your guns. You've got 'em fore and aft of course? PIRATE. Yes, sir. A four-pounder fore and a half-pounder haft. OLIVER (a little embarrassed). And do you ever have brothers-in-law in your ship? PIRATE. Well, I never have had yet, but I have always been looking about for one. JILL. Oh, Oliver, isn't Eric a _nice_ man? OLIVER (casually). I suppose the captain's brother-in-law is generally the first man to board the Spaniard with his cutlass between his teeth? PIRATE. You might almost say always. Many a ship on the Spanish Main I've had to leave unboarded through want of a brother-in-law. They're touchy about it somehow. Unless the captain's brother-in-law comes first they get complaining. OLIVER (bashfully). And there's just one other thing. If the brigantine happened to put in at an island for water, and the captain's brother-in-law happened--just happened--to be a silly ass and go and marry a dusky maiden, whom he met on the beach--- PIRATE. Bless you, it's always happening to a captain's brother-in-law. OLIVER (in a magnificent manner). Then, Captain Crookshank, you may take my sister! JILL. Thank you, Oliver. (It is not every day that one-eared ERIC, that famous chieftain, marries into the family of the TERROR OF THE DYAKS. Naturally the occasion is celebrated by the whole pirate crew with a rousing chorus, followed by a dance in which the dusky maidens of the Island join. At the end of it, JILL finds herself alone with TUA-HEETA, the Dusky Princess.) JILL (fashionably). I'm so pleased to meet my brother's future wife. It's so nice of you to come to see me. You will have some tea, won't you? (She puts out her hand and presses an imaginary bell) I wanted to see you, because I can tell you so many little things about my brother, which I think you ought to know. You see, Eric--my husband-- TUA-HEETA. Ereec? JILL. Yes. I wish you could see him. He's so nice-looking. But I'm afraid he won't be home to tea. That's the worst of marrying a sailor. They are away so much. Well, I was telling you about Oliver. I think it would be better if you knew at once that--he doesn't like rice-pudding. TUA-HEETA. Rice-poodeeng? JILL. Yes, he hates it. It is very important that you should remember that. Then there's another thing--(An untidy looking servant comes in. Can it be--can it possibly be AUNT JANE? Horrors!) He dislikes--Oh, there you are, Jane. You've been a very long time answering the bell. AUNT JANE. I'm so sorry ma'am, I was just dressing. JILL. Excuses, Jane, always excuses. Leave me. Take a week's notice. (To TUA-HEETA) YOU must excuse my maid. She's very stupid. Tea at once, Jane. (AUNT JANE sniffs and goes off) What was I saying? Oh yes, about Oliver. He doesn't care for cod-liver oil in the way that some men do. You would be wise not to force it on him just at first. . . . Have you any idea where you are going to live? TUA-HEETA. Live? (These dusky maidens are no conversationalists.) JILL. I expect Oliver will wish to reside at Hammersmith, so convenient for the City. You'll like Hammersmith. You'll go to St. Paul's Church, I expect. The Vicar will be sure to call. (Enter AUNT JANE with small tea-table.) Ah, here's tea. (To JANE) You're very slow, Jane. AUNT JANE. I'm sorry, ma'am. JILL. It's no good being sorry. Take another week's notice. (To TUA-HEETA) You must forgive my talking to my maid. She wants such a lot of looking after. (JANE puts down the table) That will do, Jane, (JANE bumps against the table) Dear, dear, how clumsy you are. What wages am I giving you now? AUNT JANE. A shilling a month, ma'am. JILL. Well, we'd better make it ninepence. (JANE goes out in tears.) Servants are a great nuisance, aren't they? Jane is a peculiarly stupid person. She used to be aunt to my brother, and I have only taken her on out of charity. (She pours out from an imaginary tea-pot) Milk? Sugar? (She puts them in and hands the imaginary cup to TUA-HEETA.) TUA-HEETA. Thank you. (Drinks.) JILL (pouring herself a cup). I hope you like China. (She drinks, and then rings an imaginary bell) Well, as I was saying---(Enter AUNT JANE.) You can clear away, Jane. AUNT JANE. Yes, ma'am. (She clears away the tea and TUA-HEETA and--very quickly--herself, as OLIVER comes back. OLIVER has been discussing boarding-tactics with his brother-in-law. CAPTAIN CROOKSHANK belongs to the now old-fashioned Marlinspike School; OLIVER is for well-primed pistols.) JILL. Oh, Oliver, I love your island. I've been thinking things all by myself. You're married to Tua-heeta. You don't mind, do you? OLIVER. Not at all, Jill. Make yourself at home. I've just been trying the doctor in the lagoon. There _were_ sharks there, after all, so we'll have to find another place for bathing. Oh, and I shot an elephant. What would you like to do now? JILL. Just let's lie here and see what happens. (What happens is that a cassowary comes along.) Oh, what a lovely bird! Is it an ostrich? (The cassowary sniffs the air, puts its beak to the ground and goes off again.) OLIVER. Silly! It's a cassowary, of course. JILL. What's a cassowary? OLIVER. Jill! Don't you remember the rhyme?
OLIVER. Well, what else would you want them for? (A MISSIONARY, pith-helmet, gloves, hymn-book, umbrella, all complete--creeps cautiously up. He bears a strong likeness to the curate, the REVEREND SMILAX.) MISSIONARY. I am sorry to intrude upon your privacy, dear friends, but have you observed a cassowary on this island, apparently looking for something? OLIVER. Yes, we saw one just now. MISSIONARY (shuddering). Dear, dear, dear. You didn't happen to ask him what was the object of his researches? JILL. He went so quickly. MISSIONARY (coming out of the undergrowth to them). I wonder if you have ever heard of a little rhyme which apparently attributes to the bird in question, when residing in the level pastures of Timbuctoo, an unholy lust for the body and appurtenances thereto of an unnamed clerical gentleman? OLIVER and JILL (shouting together). Yes! Rather! MISSIONARY. Dear, dear! Fortunately--I say fortunately--this is not Timbuctoo! (OLIVER slips away and comes back with a notice-board "Timbuctoo," which he places at the edge of the trees, unseen by the MISSIONARY, who goes on talking to JILL) I take it that a cassowary residing in other latitudes is of a more temperate habit. His appetite, I venture to suggest, dear lady, would be under better restraint. That being so, I may perhaps safely---- (He begins to move off, and comes suddenly up to the notice-board) Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear! This is terrible! You said, I think, that the--ah--bird in question was moving in _this_ direction? OLIVER. That's right. MISSIONARY. Then I shall move, hastily yet with all due precaution, in _that_ direction. (He walks off on tiptoe, looking over his shoulder in case the cassowary should reappear. Consequently, he does not observe the enormous CANNIBAL who has appeared from the trees on the right, until he bumps into him) I beg your---- (He looks up) Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear! CANNIBAL. Boria, boria, boo! MISSIONARY. Yes, my dear sir, it is as you say, a beautiful morning. CANNIBAL. Boria, boria, boo! MISSIONARY. But I was just going a little walk--in this direction--if you will permit me. CANNIBAL (threateningly). Boria, boria, boo! MISSIONARY. I have noticed it, my dear sir, I have often made that very observation to my parishioners. CANNIBAL (very threateningly). Boria, boria, boo! MISSIONARY. Oh, what's he saying? OLIVER. He says it's his birthday to-morrow. CANNIBAL. Wurra, wurra wug! OLIVER. And will you come to the party? MISSIONARY (to CANNIBAL). My dear sir, it is most kind of you to invite me, but a prior engagement in a different part of the country--a totally unexpected call upon me in another locality--will unfortunately---- (While he is talking, the cassowary comes back, sidles up to him, and taps with his beak on the MISSIONARY'S pith-helmet.) MISSIONARY (absently, without looking round). Come in! . . . As I was saying, my dear sir---- (The bird taps again. The MISSIONARY turns round annoyed) Can't you see I'm engaged----Oh dear, dear, dear, dear, dear! (He clasps the CANNIBAL in his anguish, recoils from the CANNIBAL and clasps the cassowary. The three of them go off together, OLIVER and JILL following eagerly behind to see who gets most.) (The PIRATES come back, each carrying a small wooden ammunition-box, and sit round in a semicircle, the PIRATE CHIEF in the middle.) PIRATE. Steward! Steward! STEWARD (hurrying in). Yes, sir, coming, sir. CHIEF. Now then, tumble up, my lad. I would carouse. Circulate the dry ginger. STEWARD (hurrying out). Yes, sir, going, sir. CHIEF. Look lively, my lad, look lively. STEWARD (hurrying in). Yes, sir, coming, sir. (He hands round mugs to them all.) CHIEF (rising). Gentlemen! (They all stand up) The crew of the _Cocktail_ will carouse---- (They all take one step to the right, one back, and one left--which brings them behind their boxes--and then place their right feet on the boxes together) One! (They raise their mugs) Two! (They drink) Three! (They bang down their mugs) Four! (They wipe their mouths with the backs of their hands) So! . . . Steward! STEWARD. Yes, sir, here, sir. CHIEF. The carouse is over. STEWARD. Yes, sir. (He collects the mugs and goes out.) (The PIRATES sit down again.) CHIEF (addressing the men). Having passed an hour thus in feasting and song---- (Hark! is it the voice of our dear MISS PINNIGER? It is.) GOVERNESS (off). Oliver! Oliver! Jill! You may get up now and come down to tea. CHIEF. Having, as I say, slept off our carouse--- GOVERNESS (off). Oliver! Jill! (She comes in) Oh, I beg your pardon, I--er--- (All the PIRATES rise and draw their weapons) CHIEF. Pray do not mention it. (Polishing his pistol lovingly) You were asking--- GOVERNESS. I--I was l-looking for a small boy--Oliver-- CHIEF. Oliver? (To 1ST PIRATE) Have we any Olivers on board? 1ST PIRATE. NO, Captain. Only Bath Olivers. CHIEF (to GOVERNESS). You cannot be referring to my brother-in-law, hight Two-Toed Thomas, the Terror of the Dyaks? GOVERNESS. Oh no, no--Just a small boy and his sister--Jill. CHIEF (to 2ND PIRATE). Have we any Jills on board? 2ND PIRATE. No, Captain. Only gills of rum. CHIEF (to GOVERNESS). You cannot be referring to Mrs. Crookshank, styled the Pride of the Pampas? GOVERNESS. Oh no, no, I am so sorry. Perhaps I--er-- CHIEF. Wait, woman. (to 6TH PIRATE) Ernest, offer your seat to the lady. (The 6TH PIRATE stands up.) GOVERNESS (nervously). Oh please don't trouble, I'm getting out at the next station--I mean I-- 6TH PIRATE (thunderously). Sit down! (She sits down tremblingly and he stands by her with his pistol.) CHIEF. Thank you. (to 1ST PIRATE) Cecil, have you your pencil and notebook with you? 1ST PIRATE (producing them). Ay, ay, Captain. CHIEF. Then we will cross-examine the prisoner. (to GOVERNESS) Name? GOVERNESS. Pinniger. 1ST PIRATE (writing). Pincher. CHIEF. Christian names, if any? GOVERNESS. Letitia. 1ST PIRATE (writing). Letisher--how would you spell it, Captain? CHIEF. Spell it like a sneeze. Age? GOVERNESS. Twenty-three. CHIEF (to 1ST PIRATE). Habits--untruthful. Appearance--against her. Got that? 1ST PIRATE. Yes, sir. CHIEF (to GOVERNESS). And what are you for? GOVERNESS. I teach. Oliver and Jill, you know. CHIEF. And what do you teach them? GOVERNESS. Oh, everything. Arithmetic, French, Geography, History, Dancing---- CHIEF (holding up his hand). A moment! I would take counsel with Percy. (to 2ND PIRATE) Percy, what shall we ask her in Arithmetic? (The 2ND PIRATE whispers to him.) Excellent. (To her) If you really are a teacher as you say, answer me this question. The brigantine _Cocktail_ is in longitude 40 deg. 39' latitude 22 deg. 50', sailing closehauled on the port tack at 8 knots in a 15-knot nor'-nor' westerly breeze--how soon before she sights the Azores? GOVERNESS. I--I--I'm afraid I---You see--I---- CHIEF (to 1ST PIRATE). Arithmetic rotten. 1ST PIRATE (writing). Arithmetic rotten. CHIEF (to 3RD PIRATE). Basil, ask her a question in French. 3RD PIRATE. What would the mate of a French frigate say if he wanted to say in French, "Avast there, ye lubbering swab" to a friend like? GOVERNESS. Oh, but I hardly--I--- CHIEF (to 1ST PIRATE). French futile. 1ST PIRATE (writing). French futile. CHIEF (to 4TH PIRATE). I don't suppose it's much use, Francis. But try her in Geography. 4TH PIRATE. Well now, lady. If you was wanting a nice creek to lay up cosy in, atween Dago Point and the Tortofitas, where would you run to? GOVERNESS. It-run to? But that isn't--of course I--- CHIEF (to 1ST PIRATE). Geography ghastly. 1ST PIRATE (writing). Geography ghastly. CHIEF (to 5TH PIRATE). Give her a last chance, Mervyn. See if she knows any history. 5TH PIRATE. I suppose you couldn't tell me what year it was when old John Cann took the _Saucy Codfish_ over Black Tooth Reef and laid her alongside the Spaniard in the harbour there, and up comes the Don in his nightcap. "Shiver my timbers," he says in Spanish, "but there's only one man in the whole of the Spanish Main," he says, "and that's John Cann," he says, "who could---" (The GOVERNESS looks dumbly at him.) CHIEF. She couldn't. History hopeless. 1ST PIRATE. History hopeless. CHIEF (to GOVERNESS). What else do you teach? GOVERNESS. Music, dancing--er--but I don't think--- CHIEF. Steward! STEWARD (coming in). Yes, sir, coming, sir. CHIEF. Concertina. STEWARD (going out). Yes, sir, going, sir. CHIEF (to GOVERNESS). Can you dance a hornpipe? GOVERNESS. No, I--- CHIEF. Dancing dubious. 1ST PIRATE (writing). Dancing dubious. STEWARD (coming in). Concertina, sir. CHIEF. Give it to the woman. (He takes it to her.) GOVERNESS. I'm afraid I---(She produces one ghastly noise and drops the concertina in alarm.) 1ST PIRATE (writing). What shall I say, sir? Music mouldy or music measly? CHIEF (standing up). Gentlemen, I think you will agree with me that the woman Pinniger has proved that she is utterly incapable of teaching anybody anything. Twenty-five years, man and boy, I have sailed the Spanish Main, and with the possible exception of a dumb and half-witted negro whom I shipped as cook in '64, I have never met any one so profoundly lacking in intellect. I propose, therefore, that for the space of twenty-four hours the woman Pinniger should be incarcerated in the smuggler's cave, in the company of a black beetle of friendly temperament. GOVERNESS. Mercy! Mercy! 1ST PIRATE. I should like to second that. CHIEF. Those in favour--ay! (They all say "Ay.") Contrary--No! (The GOVERNESS says "No.") The motion is carried. (One of the Pirates opens the door of the cave. The GOVERNESS rushes to the CHIEF and throws herself at his feet. OLIVER and JILL appear in the nick of time.) OLIVER. A maiden in distress! I will rescue her. (She looks up and OLIVER recognises her) Oh! Carry on, Commodore. (The GOVERNESS is lowered into the cave and the door is shut.) CHIEF (to his men). Go, find that black beetle, and having found it, introduce it circumspectly by the back door. PIRATES. Ay, ay, sir. [They go out.] OLIVER. All the same, you know, I jolly well should like to rescue somebody. JILL (excitedly). Oo, rescue me, Oliver. CHIEF (solemnly). Two-toed Thomas, Terror of the Dyaks, and Pest of the North Pacific, truly thou art a well-plucked one. Wilt fight me for the wench? (He puts an arm round JILL.) OLIVER. I will. CHIEF. Swords? OLIVER. Pistols. CHIEF. At twenty paces? OLIVER. Across a handkerchief. CHIEF. Done! (Feeling in his pockets) Have you got a handkerchief? I think I must have left mine on the dressing-table. OLIVER (bringing out his and putting it hastily back again). Mine's rather--Jill, haven't you got one? JILL (feeling). I know I had one, but I---- CHIEF. This is an ill business. Five-and-thirty duels have I fought--and never before been delayed for lack of a handkerchief. JILL. Ah, here it is. (She produces a very small one and lays it on the ground. They stand one each side of it, pistols ready.) OLIVER. Jill, you must give the word. JILL. Are you ready? (The sound of a gong is heard.) CHIEF. Listen! (The gong is heard again) The Spanish Fleet is engaged! JILL. _I_ thought it was our tea gong. CHIEF. Ah, perhaps you're right. OLIVER. I say, we oughtn't to miss tea. (Holding out his hand to her) Come on, Jill. CHIEF. But you'll come back? We shall always be waiting here for you whenever you want us. JILL. Yes, we'll come back, won't we, Oliver? OLIVER. Oo, rather. (The whole population of the Island, Animals, Pirates, and Dusky Maidens, come on. They sing as they wave good-bye to the children who are making their way to the boat.) JILL (from the boat). Good-bye, good-bye. OLIVER. Good-bye, you chaps. JILL (politely). And thank you all for a very pleasant afternoon. [They are all singing as the boat pushes off. Night comes on with tropical suddenness. The singing dies slowly down.] _ |
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