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Mr. Pim Passes By: A Comedy In Three Acts, a play by A. A. Milne |
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_ ACT II (Lunch is over and coffee has been served on the terrace. Conversation drags on, to the satisfaction of LADY MARDEN, but of nobody else. GEORGE and OLIVIA want to be alone; so do BRIAN and DINAH. At last BRIAN murmurs something about a cigarette-case; and, catching DINAH'S eye, comes into the house. He leans against the sofa and waits for DINAH.) DINAH (loudly as she comes in). Have you found it? BRIAN. Found what? DINAH (in her ordinary voice). That was just for _their_ benefit. I said I'd help you find it. It _is_ your cigarette-case we're looking for, isn't it? BRIAN (taking it out). Yes. Have one? DINAH. No, thank you, darling. Aunt Juli-ah still thinks it's unladylike. . . . Have you ever seen her beagling? BRIAN. No. Is that very ladylike? DINAH. Very. . . . I say, what has happened, do you think? BRIAN. Everything. I love you, and you love me. DINAH. Silly! I meant between George and Olivia. Didn't you notice them at lunch? BRIAN. I noticed that you seemed to be doing most of the talking. But then I've noticed that before sometimes. Do you think Olivia and your uncle have quarrelled because of _us_? DINAH. Of course not. George may _think_ he has quarrelled, but I'm quite sure Olivia hasn't. No, I believe Mr. Pim's at the bottom of it. He's brought some terribly sad news about George's investments. The old home will have to be sold up. BRIAN. Good. Then your uncle won't mind your marrying me. DINAH. Yes, darling, but you must be more dramatic about it than that. "George," you must say, with tears in your eyes, "I cannot pay off the whole of the mortgage for you. I have only two and ninepence; but at least let me take your niece off your hands." Then George will thump you on the back and say gruffly, "You're a good fellow, Brian, a damn good fellow," and he'll blow his nose very loudly, and say, "Confound this cigar, it won't draw properly." (She gives us a rough impression of GEORGE doing it.) BRIAN. Dinah, you're a heavenly idiot. And you've simply got to marry me, uncles or no uncles. DINAH. It will have to be "uncles," I'm afraid, because, you see, I'm his ward, and I can get sent to Chancery or Coventry or somewhere beastly, if I marry without his consent. Haven't _you_ got anybody who objects to your marrying _me_? BRIAN. Nobody, thank Heaven. DINAH. Well, that's rather disappointing of you. I saw myself fascinating your aged father at the same time that you were fascinating George. I should have done it much better than you. As a George-fascinator you aren't very successful, sweetheart. BRIAN. What am I like as a Dinah-fascinator? DINAH. Plus six, darling. BRIAN. Then I'll stick to that and leave George to Olivia. DINAH. I expect she'll manage him all right. I have great faith in Olivia. But you'll marry me, anyhow, won't you, Brian? BRIAN. I will. DINAH. Even if we have to wait till I'm twenty-one? BRIAN. Even if we have to wait till you're fifty-one. DINAH (holding out her hands to him). Darling! BRIAN (uneasily). I say, don't do that. DINAH. Why not? BRIAN. Well, I promised I wouldn't kiss you. DINAH. Oh! . . . Well, you might just _send_ me a kiss. You can look the other way as if you didn't know I was here. BRIAN. Like this? (He looks the other way, kisses the tips of his fingers, and flicks it carelessly in her direction.) DINAH. That was a lovely one. Now here's one coming for you. (He catches it gracefully and conveys it to his mouth.) BRIAN (with a low bow). Madam, I thank you. DINAH (curtseying). Your servant, Mr. Strange. OLIVIA (from outside). Dinah! DINAH (jumping up). Hullo! (OLIVIA comes in through the windows, followed by GEORGE and LADY MARDEN, the latter a vigorous young woman of sixty odd, who always looks as if she were beagling.) OLIVIA. Aunt Julia wants to see the pigs, dear. I wish you'd take her down. I'm rather tired, and your uncle has some business to attend to. LADY MARDEN. I've always said that you don't take enough exercise, Olivia. Look at me--sixty-five and proud of it. OLIVIA. Yes, Aunt Julia, you're wonderful. DINAH. How old would Olivia be if she took exercise? GEORGE. Don't stand about asking silly questions, Dinah. Your aunt hasn't much time. BRIAN. May I come, too, Lady Marden? LADY MARDEN. Well, a little exercise wouldn't do _you_ any harm, Mr. Strange. You're an artist, ain't you? BRIAN. Well, I try to paint. DINAH. He sold a picture last March for-- GEORGE. Yes, yes, never mind that now. LADY MARDEN. Unhealthy life. Well, come along. [She strides out, followed by DINAH and BRIAN.] (GEORGE sits down at his desk with his head in his hand, and stabs the blotting-paper with a pen. OLIVIA takes the curtains with her to the sofa and begins to work on them.) GEORGE (looking up and seeing them). Really, Olivia, we've got something more important, more vital to us than curtains, to discuss, now that we _are_ alone at last. OLIVIA. I wasn't going to discuss them, dear. GEORGE. I'm always glad to see Aunt Julia in my house, but I wish she hadn't chosen this day of all days to come to lunch. OLIVIA. It wasn't Aunt Julia's fault. It was really Mr. Pim who chose the wrong day. GEORGE (fiercely). Good Heavens, is it true? OLIVIA. About Jacob Telworthy? GEORGE. You told me he was dead. You always said that he was dead. You--you-- OLIVIA. Well, I always thought that he was dead. He was as dead as anybody could be. All the papers said he was dead. GEORGE (scornfully). The papers! OLIVIA (as if this would settle it for GEORGE). The _Times_ said he was dead. There was a paragraph about him. Apparently even his death was fraudulent. GEORGE. Yes, yes, I'm not blaming you, Olivia, but what are we going to do, that's the question, what are we going to do? My God, it's horrible! You've never been married to me at all! You don't seem to understand. OLIVIA. It is a little difficult to realise. You see, it doesn't seem to have made any difference to our happiness. GEORGE. No, that's what's so terrible. I mean--well, of course, we were quite innocent in the matter. But, at the same time, nothing can get over the fact that we--we had no right to--to be happy. OLIVIA. Would you rather we had been miserable? GEORGE. You're Telworthy's wife, that's what you don't seem to understand. You're Telworthy's wife. You--er--forgive me, Olivia, but it's the horrible truth--you committed bigamy when you married me. (In horror) Bigamy! OLIVIA. It is an ugly word, isn't it? GEORGE. Yes, but don't you understand--(He jumps up and comes over to her) Look here, Olivia, old girl, the whole thing is nonsense, eh? It isn't your husband, it's some other Telworthy that this fellow met. That's right, isn't it? Some other shady swindler who turned up on the boat, eh? This sort of thing doesn't happen to people like _us_--committing bigamy and all that. Some other fellow. OLIVIA (shaking her head). I knew all the shady swindlers in Sydney, George. . . . They came to dinner. . . . There were no others called Telworthy. (GEORGE goes back despondently to his seat.) GEORGE. Well, what are we going to do? OLIVIA. You sent Mr. Pim away so quickly. He might have told us things. Telworthy's plans. Where he is now. You hurried him away so quickly. GEORGE. I've sent a note round to ask him to come back. My one idea at the moment was to get him out of the house--to hush things up. OLIVIA. You can't hush up two husbands. GEORGE (in despair). You can't. Everybody will know. Everybody! OLIVIA. The children, Aunt Julia, they may as well know now as later. Mr. Pim must, of course. GEORGE. I do not propose to discuss my private affairs with Mr. Pim---- OLIVIA. But he's mixed himself up in them rather, hasn't he, and if you're going to ask him questions---- GEORGE. I only propose to ask him one question. I shall ask him if he is absolutely certain of the man's name. I can do that quite easily without letting him know the reason for my inquiry. OLIVIA. You couldn't make a mistake about a name like Telworthy. But he might tell us something about Telworthy's plans. Perhaps he's going back to Australia at once. Perhaps he thinks I'm dead, too. Perhaps-- oh, there are so many things I want to know. GEORGE. Yes, yes, dear. It would be interesting to--that is, one naturally wants to know these things, but of course it doesn't make any real difference. OLIVIA (surprised). No difference? GEORGE. Well, that is to say, you're as much his wife if he's in Australia as you are if he's in England. OLIVIA. I am not his wife at all. GEORGE. But, Olivia, surely you understand the position---- OLIVIA (shaking her head). Jacob Telworthy may be alive, but I am not his wife. I ceased to be his wife when I became yours. GEORGE. You never _were_ my wife. That is the terrible part of it. Our union--you make me say it, Olivia--has been unhallowed by the Church. Unhallowed even by the Law. Legally, we have been living in--living in--well, the point is, how does the Law stand? I imagine that Telworthy could get a--a divorce. . . . Oh, it seems impossible that things like this can be happening to _us_. OLIVIA (Joyfully). A divorce? GEORGE. I--I imagine so. OLIVIA. But then we could _really_ get married, and we shouldn't be living in--living in--whatever we were living in before. GEORGE. I can't understand you, Olivia. You talk about it so calmly, as if there was nothing blameworthy in being divorced, as if there was nothing unusual in my marrying a divorced woman, as if there was nothing wrong in our having lived together for years without having been married. OLIVIA. What seems wrong to me is that I lived for five years with a bad man whom I hated. What seems right to me is that I lived for five years with a good man whom I love. GEORGE. Yes, yes, my dear, I know. But right and wrong don't settle themselves as easily as that. We've been living together when you were Telworthy's wife. That's _wrong_. OLIVIA. Do you mean wicked? GEORGE. Well, no doubt the Court would consider that we acted in perfect innocence-- OLIVIA. What Court? GEORGE. These things have to be done legally, of course. I believe the proper method is a nullity suit, declaring our marriage null and--er--void. It would, so to speak, wipe out these years of--er-- OLIVIA. Wickedness? GEORGE. Of irregular union, and--er--then-- OLIVIA. Then I could go back to Jacob. . . . Do you really mean that, George? GEORGE (uneasily). Well, dear, you see--that's how things are--one can't get away from--er---- OLIVIA. What you feel is that Telworthy has the greater claim? You are prepared to--make way for him? GEORGE. Both the Church and the Law would say that I had no claim at all, I'm afraid. I--I suppose I haven't. OLIVIA. I see. (She looks at him curiously) Thank you for making it so clear, George. GEORGE. Of course, whether or not you go back to--er--Telworthy is another matter altogether. That would naturally be for you to decide. OLIVIA (cheerfully). For me and Jacko to decide. GEORGE. Er--Jacko? OLIVIA. I used to call my first husband--I mean my only husband--Jacko. I didn't like the name of Jacob, and Jacko seemed to suit him somehow. . . . He had very long arms. Dear Jacko. GEORGE (annoyed). You don't seem to realise that this is not a joke, Olivia. OLIVIA (a trifle hysterically). It may not be a joke, but it _is_ funny, isn't it? GEORGE. I must say I don't see anything funny in a tragedy that has wrecked two lives. OLIVIA. Two? Oh, but Jacko's life isn't wrecked. It has just been miraculously restored to him. And a wife, too. There's nothing tragic for Jacko in it. GEORGE (stiffly). I was referring to _our_ two lives--yours and mine. OLIVIA. Yours, George? Your life isn't wrecked. The Court will absolve you of all blame; your friends will sympathise with you, and tell you that I was a designing woman who deliberately took you in; your Aunt Julia---- GEORGE (overwrought). Stop it! What do you mean? Have you no heart? Do you think I _want_ to lose you, Olivia? Do you think I _want_ my home broken up like this? Haven't you been happy with me these last five years? OLIVIA. Very happy. GEORGE. Well then, how can you talk like that? OLIVIA (pathetically). But you want to send me away. GEORGE. There you go again. I don't _want_ to. I have hardly had time to realise just what it will mean to me when you go. The fact is I simply daren't realise it. I daren't think about it. OLIVIA (earnestly). Try thinking about it, George. GEORGE. And you talk as if I _wanted_ to send you away! OLIVIA. Try thinking about it, George. GEORGE. You don't seem to understand that I'm not _sending_ you away. You simply aren't mine to keep. OLIVIA. Whose am I? GEORGE. Your husband's. Telworthy's. OLIVIA (gently). If I belong to anybody but myself, I think I belong to you. GEORGE. Not in the eyes of the Law. Not in the eyes of the Church. Not even in the eyes of--er---- OLIVIA. The County? GEORGE (annoyed). I was about to say "Heaven." OLIVIA (unimpressed). Oh! GEORGE. That this should happen to _us_! (He gets up and walks about the room, wondering when he will wake up from this impossible dream, OLIVIA works in silence. Then she stands up and shakes out her curtains.) OLIVIA (looking at them). I do hope Jacko will like these. GEORGE. What! You---- (Going up to her) Olivia, Olivia, have you no heart? OLIVIA. Ought you to talk like that to another man's wife? GEORGE. Confound it, is this just a joke to you? OLIVIA. You must forgive me, George; I am a little over-excited--at the thought of returning to Jacob, I suppose. GEORGE. Do you _want_ to return to him? OLIVIA. One wants to do what is right. In the eyes of--er--Heaven. GEORGE. Seeing what sort of man he is, I have no doubt that you could get a separation, supposing that he didn't--er--divorce you. I don't know _what_ is best. I must consult my solicitor. The whole position has been sprung on us, and--(miserably) I don't know, I don't know. I can't take it all in. OLIVIA. Wouldn't you like to consult your Aunt Julia too? She could tell you what the County--I mean what Heaven really thought about it. GEORGE. Yes, yes. Aunt Julia has plenty of common sense. You're quite right, Olivia. This isn't a thing we can keep from the family. OLIVIA. Do I still call her _Aunt_ Julia? GEORGE (looking up from his pacings). What? What? (ANNE comes in.) Well, what is it? ANNE. Mr. Pim says he will come down at once, sir. GEORGE. Oh, thank you, thank you. [ANNE goes out.] OLIVIA. George, Mr. Pim has got to know. GEORGE. I don't see the necessity. OLIVIA. Not even for me? When a woman suddenly hears that her long-lost husband is restored to her, don't you think she wants to ask questions? Where is he living, and how is he looking, and---- GEORGE (coldly). Of course, if you are interested in these things-- OLIVIA. How can I help being? Don't be so silly, George. We _must_ know what Jacko-- GEORGE (annoyed). I wish you wouldn't call him by that ridiculous name. OLIVIA. My husband-- GEORGE (wincing). Yes, well--your husband? OLIVIA. Well, we must know his plans--where we can communicate with him, and so on. GEORGE. I have no wish to communicate with him. OLIVIA. I'm afraid you'll have to, dear. GEORGE. I don't see the necessity. OLIVIA. Well, you'll want to--to apologise to him for living with his wife for so long. And as I belong to him, he ought to be told where he can--call for me. GEORGE (after a struggle). You put it in a very peculiar way, but I see your-point. (With a shudder) Oh, the horrible publicity of it all! OLIVIA (going up to him and comforting him). Poor George. Dear, don't think I don't sympathise with you. I understand so exactly what you are feeling. The publicity! It's terrible. GEORGE (miserably). I want to do what's right, Olivia. You believe that? OLIVIA. Of course I do. It's only that we don't quite agree as to what is right and what is wrong. GEORGE. It isn't a question of agreeing. Right is right, and wrong is wrong, all the world over. OLIVIA (with a sad little smile). But more particularly in Buckinghamshire, I think. GEORGE. If I only considered myself, I should say: "Let us pack this man Telworthy back to Australia. He would make no claim. He would accept money to go away and say nothing about it." If I consulted simply my own happiness, Olivia, that is what I should say. But when I consult--er---- OLIVIA (surprised). Mine? GEORGE. My conscience---- OLIVIA. Oh! GEORGE. Then I can't do it. It's wrong. (He is at the window as he says this.) OLIVIA (making her first and last appeal). George, aren't I worth a little---- GEORGE (turning round). H'sh! Dinah! (Loudly for DINAH'S benefit) Well, then I'll write to him and--Ah, Dinah, where's Aunt Julia? DINAH (coming in). We've seen the pigs, and now she's discussing the Art of Landseer with Brian. I just came to ask---- OLIVIA. Dinah, dear, bring Aunt Julia here. And Brian too. We have things we want to talk about with you all. GEORGE (outraged). Olivia! DINAH. Righto. What fun! [Exit DINAH.] GEORGE. Olivia, you don't seriously suggest that we should discuss these things with a child like Dinah and a young man like Strange, a mere acquaintance. OLIVIA. Dinah will have to know. I'm very fond of her, George. You can't send me away without telling Dinah. And Brian is my friend. You have your solicitor and your aunt and your conscience to consult--mayn't I even have Brian? GEORGE (forgetting). I should have thought that your _husband_---- OLIVIA. Yes, but we don't know where Jacko is. GEORGE. I was not referring to--er--Telworthy. OLIVIA. Well then? GEORGE. Well, naturally I--you mustn't--Oh, this is horrible! (He comes back to his desk as the others come in.) OLIVIA (getting up). George and I have had some rather bad news, Aunt Julia. We wanted your advice. Where will you sit? LADY MARDEN. Thank you, Olivia. I can sit down by myself. (She does so, near GEORGE. DINAH sits on the sofa with OLIVIA, and BRIAN half leans against the back of it. There is a hush of expectation. . . .) What is it? Money, I suppose. Nobody's safe nowadays. GEORGE (signalling for help). Olivia-- OLIVIA. We've just heard that my first husband is still alive. DINAH. Telworthy! BRIAN. Good Lord! LADY MARDEN. George! DINAH (excitedly). And only this morning I was saying that nothing ever happened in this house! (Remorsefully to OLIVIA) Darling, I don't mean that. Darling one! LADY MARDEN. What does this mean, George? I leave you for ten minutes--barely ten minutes--to go and look at the pigs, and when I come back you tell me that Olivia is a bigamist. BRIAN (indignantly). I say-- OLIVIA (restraining him). H'sh! BRIAN (to OLIVIA). If this is a row, I'm on your side. LADY MARDEN. Well, George? GEORGE. I'm afraid it's true, Aunt Julia. We heard the news just before lunch--just before you came. We've only this moment had an opportunity of talking about it, of wondering what to do. LADY MARDEN. What was his name--Tel--something-- OLIVIA. Jacob Telworthy. LADY MARDEN. So he's alive still? GEORGE. Apparently. There seems to be no doubt about it. LADY MARDEN (to OLIVIA). Didn't you _see_ him die? I should always want to _see_ my husband die before I married again. Not that I approve of second marriages, anyhow. I told you so at the time, George. OLIVIA. _And_ me, Aunt Julia. LADY MARDEN. Did I? Well, I generally say what I think. GEORGE. I ought to tell you, Aunt Julia, that no blame attaches to Olivia over this. Of that I am perfectly satisfied. It's nobody's fault, except---- LADY MARDEN. Except Telworthy's. _He_ seems to have been rather careless. Well, what are you going to do about it? GEORGE. That's just it. It's a terrible situation. There's bound to be so much publicity. Not only all this, but--but Telworthy's past and--and everything. LADY MARDEN. I should have said that it was Telworthy's present which was the trouble. Had he a past as well? OLIVIA. He was a fraudulent company promoter. He went to prison a good deal. LADY MARDEN. George, you never told me this! GEORGE. I--er---- OLIVIA. I don't see _why_ he should want to talk about it. DINAH (indignantly). What's it got to do with Olivia, anyhow? It's not _her_ fault. LADY MARDEN (sarcastically). Oh no, I daresay it's mine. OLIVIA (to GEORGE). YOU wanted to ask Aunt Julia what was the right thing to do. BRIAN (bursting out). Good Heavens, what _is_ there to do except the one and only thing? (They all look at him and he becomes embarrassed) I'm sorry. You don't want _me_ to-- OLIVIA. _I_ do, Brian. LADY MARDEN. Well, go on, Mr. Strange. What would _you_ do in George's position? BRIAN. Do? Say to the woman I loved, "You're _mine_, and let this other damned fellow come and take you from me if he can!" And he couldn't--how could he?--not if the woman chose _me_. (LADY MARDEN gazes at BRIAN in amazement, GEORGE in anger, OLIVIA presses his hand gratefully. He has said what she has been waiting--oh, so eagerly--for GEORGE to say.) DINAH (adoringly). Oh, Brian! (In a whisper) It _is_ me, isn't it, and not Olivia? BRIAN. You baby, of course! LADY MARDEN. I'm afraid, Mr. Strange, your morals are as peculiar as your views on Art. If you had led a more healthy life-- BRIAN. This is not a question of morals or of art, it's a question of love. DINAH. Hear, hear! LADY MARDEN (to GEORGE). Isn't it that girl's bedtime yet? OLIVIA (to DINAH). We'll let her sit up a little longer if she's good. DINAH. I will be good, Olivia, only I thought anybody, however important a debate was, was allowed to say "Hear, hear!" GEORGE (coldly) I really think we could discuss this better if Mr. Strange took Dinah out for a walk. Strange, if you--er-- OLIVIA. Tell them what you have settled first, George. LADY MARDEN. Settled? What is there to be settled? It settles itself. GEORGE (sadly). That's just it. LADY MARDEN. The marriage must be annulled--is that the word, George? GEORGE. I presume so. LADY MARDEN. One's solicitor will know all about that of course. BRIAN. And when the marriage has been annulled, what then? LADY MARDEN. Presumably Olivia will return to her husband. BRIAN (bitterly). And _that's_ morality! As expounded by Bishop Landseer! GEORGE (angered). I don't know what you mean by Bishop Landseer. Morality is acting in accordance with the Laws of the Land and the Laws of the Church. I am quite prepared to believe that _your_ creed embraces neither marriage nor monogamy, but my creed is different. BRIAN (fiercely). My creed includes both marriage _and_ monogamy, and monogamy means sticking to the woman you love, as long as she wants you. LADY MARDEN (calmly). You suggest that George and Olivia should go on living together, although they have never been legally married, and wait for this Telworthy man to divorce her, and then--bless the man, what do you think the County would say? BRIAN (scornfully). Does it matter? DINAH. Well, if you really want to know, the men would say, "Gad, she's a fine woman; I don't wonder he sticks to her," and the women would say, "I can't _think_ what he sees in her to stick to her like that," and they'd both say, "After all, he may be a damn fool, but you can't deny he's a sportsman." That's what the County would say. GEORGE (indignantly) Was it for this sort of thing, Olivia, that you insisted on having Dinah and Mr. Strange in here? To insult me in my own house? LADY MARDEN. I can't think what young people are coming to nowadays. OLIVIA. I think, dear, you and Brian had better go. DINAH (getting up). We will go. But I'm just going to say one thing, Uncle George. Brian and I _are_ going to marry each other, and when we are married we'll stick to each other, _however_ many of our dead husbands and wives turn up! [She goes out indignantly, followed by BRIAN.] GEORGE. Upon my word, this is a pleasant discussion. OLIVIA. I think the discussion is over, George. It is only a question of where I shall go, while you are bringing your--what sort of suit did you call it? LADY MARDEN (to GEORGE). Nullity suit. I suppose that _is_ the best thing? GEORGE. It's horrible. The awful publicity. That it should be happening to _us_, that's what I can't get over. LADY MARDEN. I don't remember anything of the sort in the Marden Family before, ever. GEORGE (absently). Lady Fanny. LADY MARDEN (recollecting). Yes, of course; but that was two hundred years ago. The standards were different then. Besides, it wasn't quite the same, anyhow. GEORGE (absently). No, it wasn't quite the same. LADY MARDEN. No. We shall all feel it. Terribly. GEORGE (his apology). If there were any other way! Olivia, what _can_ I do? It _is_ the only way, isn't it? All that that fellow said--of course, it sounds very well--but as things are. . . . _Is_ there anything in marriage, or isn't there? You believe that there is, don't you? You aren't one of these Socialists. Well, then, _can_ we go on living together when you're another man's wife? It isn't only what people will say, but it _is_ wrong, isn't it? . . . And supposing he doesn't divorce you, are we to go on living together, unmarried, for _ever_? Olivia, you seem to think that I'm just thinking of the publicity--what people will say. I'm not. I'm not. That comes in any way. But I want to do what's right, what's best. I don't mean what's best for _us_, what makes us happiest, I mean what's really best, what's rightest. What anybody else would do in my place. _I_ don't know. It's so unfair. You're not my wife at all, but I want to do what's right. . . . Oh, Olivia, Olivia, you do understand, don't you? (They have both forgotten LADY MARDEN. OLIVIA has never taken her eyes off him as he makes his last attempt to convince himself.) OLIVIA (almost tenderly). So very very well, George. Oh, I understand just what you are feeling. And oh, I do so wish that you could--(with a little sigh)--but then it wouldn't be George, not the George I married--(with a rueful little laugh)--or didn't quite marry. LADY MARDEN. I must say, I think you are both talking a little wildly. OLIVIA (repeating it, oh, so tenderly). Or didn't--quite--marry. (She looks at him with all her heart in her eyes. She is giving him his last chance to say "Damn Telworthy; you're mine!" He struggles desperately with himself. . . . Will he?--will he? . . . But we shall never know, for at that moment ANNE comes in.) ANNE. Mr. Pim is here, sir. GEORGE (emerging from the struggle with an effort). Pim? Pim? Oh, ah, yes, of course. Mr. Pim. (Looking up) Where have you put him? OLIVIA. I want to see Mr. Pim, too, George. LADY MARDEN. Who on earth is Mr. Pim? OLIVIA. Show him in here, Anne. ANNE. Yes, madam. [She goes out. OLIVIA. It was Mr. Pim who told us about my husband. He came across with him in the boat, and recognised him as the Telworthy he knew in Australia. LADY MARDEN. Oh! Shall I be in the way? GEORGE. No, no. It doesn't matter, does it, Olivia? OLIVIA. Please stay. [ANNE enters followed by MR. PIM.] ANNE. Mr. Pim. GEORGE (pulling himself together). Ah, Mr. Pim! Very good of you to have come. The fact is--er--(It is too much for him; he looks despairingly at OLIVIA.) OLIVIA. We're so sorry to trouble you, Mr. Pim. By the way, do you know Lady Marden? (MR. PIM and LADY MARDEN bow to each other.) Do come and sit down, won't you? (She makes room for him on the sofa next to her) The fact is, Mr. Pim, you gave us rather a surprise this morning, and before we had time to realise what it all meant, you had gone. MR. PIM. A surprise, Mrs. Marden? Dear me, not an unpleasant one, I hope? OLIVIA. Well, rather a--surprising one. GEORGE. Olivia, allow me a moment. Mr. Pim, you mentioned a man called Telworthy this morning. My wife used to--that is to say, I used to--that is, there are reasons-- OLIVIA. I think we had better be perfectly frank, George. LADY MARDEN. I am sixty-five years of age, Mr. Pim, and I can say that I've never had a moment's uneasiness by telling the truth. MR. PIM (after a desperate effort to keep up with the conversation). Oh! . . . I--er--I'm afraid I am rather at sea. Have I--er--left anything unsaid in presenting my credentials to you this morning? This Telworthy whom you mention--I seem to remember the name-- OLIVIA. Mr. Pim, you told us this morning of a man whom you had met on the boat, a man who had come down in the world, whom you had known in Sydney. A man called Telworthy. MR. PIM (relieved). Ah yes, yes, of course. I did say Telworthy, didn't I? Most curious coincidence, Lady Marden. Poor man, poor man! Let me see, it must have been ten years ago-- GEORGE. Just a moment, Mr. Pim. You're quite sure that his name was Telworthy? MR. PIM. Telworthy--Telworthy--didn't I say Telworthy? Yes, that was it--Telworthy. Poor fellow! OLIVIA. I'm going to be perfectly frank with you, Mr. Pim. I feel quite sure that I can trust you. This man Telworthy whom you met is my husband. MR. PIM. Your husband? (He looks in mild surprise at GEORGE.) But--er-- OLIVIA. My first husband. His death was announced six years ago. I had left him some years before that, but there seems no doubt from your story that he's still alive. His record--the country he comes from--above all, the very unusual name--Telworthy. MR. PIM. Telworthy--yes--certainly a most peculiar name. I remember saying so. Your first husband? Dear me! Dear me! GEORGE. You understand, Mr. Pim, that all this is in absolute confidence. MR. PIM. Of course, of course. OLIVIA. Well, since he is my husband, we naturally want to know something about him. Where is he now, for instance? MR. PIM (surprised). Where is he now? But surely I told you? I told you what happened at Marseilles? GEORGE. At Marseilles? MR. PIM. Yes, yes, poor fellow, it was most unfortunate. (Quite happy again) You must understand, Lady Marden, that although I had met the poor fellow before in Australia, I was never in any way intimate-- GEORGE (thumping the desk). Where is he _now_, that's what we want to know? (MR. PIM turns to him with a start.) OLIVIA. Please, Mr. Pim! PIM. Where is he now? But--but didn't I tell you of the curious fatality at Marseilles--poor fellow--the fish-bone? ALL. Fish-bone? MR. PIM. Yes, yes, a herring, I understand. OLIVIA (understanding first). Do you mean he's dead? MR. PIM. Dead--of course--didn't I--? OLIVIA (laughing hysterically). Oh, Mr. Pim, you--oh, what a husband to have--oh, I--(But that is all she can say for the moment.) LADY MARDEN. Pull yourself together, Olivia. This is so unhealthy for you. (to PIM) So he really _is_ dead this time? MR. PIM. Oh, undoubtedly, undoubtedly. A fishbone lodged in his throat. GEORGE (trying to realise it). Dead! OLIVIA (struggling with her laughter). I think you must excuse me, Mr. Pim--I can never thank you enough--a herring--there's something about a herring--morality depends on such little things--George, you--(Shaking her head at him in a weak state of laughter, she hurries out of the room.) MR. PIM. Dear me! Dear me! GEORGE. Now, let us have this quite clear, Mr. Pim. You say that the man, Telworthy, Jacob Telworthy, is dead? MR. PIM. Telworthy, yes--didn't I say Telworthy? This man I was telling you about-- GEORGE. He's dead? MR. PIM. Yes, yes, he died at Marseilles. LADY MARDEN. A dispensation of Providence, George. One can look at it in no other light. GEORGE. Dead! (Suddenly annoyed) Really, Mr. Pim, I think you might have told us before. MR. PIM. But I--I _was_ telling you--I-- GEORGE. If you had only told us the whole story at once, instead of in two--two instalments like this, you would have saved us all a good deal of anxiety. MR. PIM. Really, I-- LADY MARDEN. I am sure Mr. Pim meant well, George, but it seems a pity he couldn't have said so before. If the man was dead, _why_ try to hush it up? MR. PIM (lost again). Really, Lady Marden, I-- GEORGE (getting up). Well, well, at any rate, I am much obliged to you, Mr. Pim, for having come down to us this afternoon. Dead! _De mortuis_, and so forth, but the situation would have been impossible had he lived. Good-bye! (Holding out his hand) Good-bye! LADY MARDEN. Good-bye, Mr. Pim. MR. PIM. Good-bye, good-bye! (GEORGE takes him to the door.) Of course, if I had--(to himself) Telworthy--I _think_ that was the name. (He goes out, still wondering.) GEORGE (with a sigh of thankfulness). Well! This is wonderful news, Aunt Julia. LADY MARDEN. Most providential! . . . You understand, of course, that you are not married to Olivia? GEORGE (who didn't). Not married? LADY MARDEN. If her first husband only died at Marseilles a few days ago-- GEORGE. Good Heavens! LADY MARDEN. Not that it matters. You can get married quietly again. Nobody need know. GEORGE (considering it). Yes . . . yes. Then all these years we have been--er--Yes. LADY MARDEN. Who's going to know? GEORGE. Yes, yes, that's true. . . . And in perfect innocence, too. LADY MARDEN. I should suggest a Registry Office in London. GEORGE. A Registry Office, yes. LADY MARDEN. Better go up to town this afternoon. Can't do it too quickly. GEORGE. Yes, yes. We can stay at an hotel-- LADY MARDEN (surprised). George! GEORGE. What? LADY MARDEN. _You_ will stay at your club. GEORGE. Oh--ah--yes, of course, Aunt Julia. LADY MARDEN. Better take your solicitor with you to be on the safe side. . . . To the Registry Office, I mean. GEORGE. Yes. LADY MARDEN (getting up). Well, I must be getting along, George. Say good-bye to Olivia for me. And those children. Of course, you won't allow this absurd love-business between them to come to anything? GEORGE. Most certainly not. Good-bye, Aunt Julia! LADY MARDEN (indicating the windows). I'll go _this_ way. (As she goes) And get Olivia out more, George. I don't like these hysterics. You want to be firm with her. GEORGE (firmly) Yes, yes! Good-bye! (He waves to her and then goes back to his seat.) (OLIVIA comes in, and stands in the middle of the room looking at him. He comes to her eagerly.) GEORGE (holding out his hands). Olivia! Olivia! (But it is not so easy as that.) OLIVIA (drawing herself up proudly). Mrs. Telworthy! _ |
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