________________________________________________
_ ACT V. SCENE I.
The park.
[Enter HOLOFERNES, SIR NATHANIEL, and DULL.]
HOLOFERNES.
Satis quod sufficit.
NATHANIEL.
I praise God for you, sir. Your reasons at dinner have
been sharp and sententious; pleasant without scurrility,
witty without affection, audacious without impudency, learned
without opinion, and strange without heresy. I did converse
this quondam day with a companion of the King's who is
intituled, nominated, or called, Don Adriano de Armado.
HOLOFERNES.
Novi hominem tanquam te. His humour is lofty, his
discourse peremptory, his tongue filed, his eye ambitious,
his gait majestical and his general behaviour vain,
ridiculous, and thrasonical. He is too picked, too spruce,
too affected, too odd, as it were, too peregrinate,
as I may call it.
NATHANIEL.
A most singular and choice epithet.
[Draws out his table-book]
HOLOFERNES.
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer
than the staple of his argument. I abhor such fanatical
phantasimes, such insociable and point-devise companions;
such rackers of orthography, as to speak 'dout' fine,
when he should say 'doubt'; 'det' when he should
pronounce 'debt'- d, e, b, t, not d, e, t.
He clepeth a calf 'cauf,' half 'hauf'; neighbour vocatur
'nebour'; 'neigh' abbreviated 'ne.' This is abhominable-
which he would call 'abbominable.' It insinuateth me
of insanie: ne intelligis, domine? to make frantic, lunatic.
NATHANIEL.
Laus Deo, bone intelligo.
HOLOFERNES.
'Bone'?- 'bone' for 'bene.' Priscian a little
scratch'd; 'twill serve.
[Enter ARMADO, MOTH, and COSTARD.]
NATHANIEL.
Videsne quis venit?
HOLOFERNES.
Video, et gaudeo.
ARMADO.
[To MOTH]
Chirrah!
HOLOFERNES.
Quare 'chirrah,' not 'sirrah'?
ARMADO.
Men of peace, well encount'red.
HOLOFERNES.
Most military sir, salutation.
MOTH.
[Aside to COSTARD]
They have been at a great feast of
languages and stol'n the scraps.
COSTARD.
O, they have liv'd long on the alms-basket of words. I
marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word, for thou
are not so long by the head as honorificabilitudinitatibus;
thou art easier swallowed than a flap-dragon.
MOTH.
Peace! the peal begins.
ARMADO.
[To HOLOFERNES]
Monsieur, are you not lett'red?
MOTH.
Yes, yes; he teaches boys the hornbook. What is a, b,
spelt backward with the horn on his head?
HOLOFERNES.
Ba, pueritia, with a horn added.
MOTH.
Ba, most silly sheep with a horn. You hear his learning.
HOLOFERNES.
Quis, quis, thou consonant?
MOTH.
The third of the five vowels,
if You repeat them; or the fifth, if I.
HOLOFERNES.
I will repeat them: a, e, i-
MOTH.
The sheep; the other two concludes it: o, u.
ARMADO.
Now, by the salt wave of the Mediterraneum, a sweet
touch, a quick venue of wit- snip, snap, quick and home.
It rejoiceth my intellect. True wit!
MOTH.
Offer'd by a child to an old man; which is wit-old.
HOLOFERNES.
What is the figure? What is the figure?
MOTH.
Horns.
HOLOFERNES.
Thou disputes like an infant; go whip thy gig.
MOTH.
Lend me your horn to make one, and I will whip about your
infamy circum circa- a gig of a cuckold's horn.
COSTARD.
An I had but one penny in the world, thou shouldst
have it to buy ginger-bread. Hold, there is the very
remuneration I had of thy master, thou halfpenny purse
of wit, thou pigeon-egg of discretion. O, an the heavens
were so pleased that thou wert but my bastard, what
a joyful father wouldst thou make me! Go to;
thou hast it ad dunghill, at the fingers' ends, as they say.
HOLOFERNES.
O, I smell false Latin; 'dunghill' for unguem.
ARMADO.
Arts-man, preambulate; we will be singuled from the
barbarous. Do you not educate youth at the charge-house
on the top of the mountain?
HOLOFERNES.
Or mons, the hill.
ARMADO.
At your sweet pleasure, for the mountain.
HOLOFERNES.
I do, sans question.
ARMADO.
Sir, it is the King's most sweet pleasure and affection
to congratulate the Princess at her pavilion, in the posteriors
of this day; which the rude multitude call the afternoon.
HOLOFERNES.
The posterior of the day, most generous sir, is liable,
congruent, and measurable, for the afternoon. The word is
well cull'd, chose, sweet, and apt, I do assure you,
sir, I do assure.
ARMADO.
Sir, the King is a noble gentleman, and my familiar,
I do assure ye, very good friend. For what is inward
between us, let it pass. I do beseech thee, remember
thy courtesy. I beseech thee, apparel thy head. And
among other importunate and most serious designs,
and of great import indeed, too- but let that pass;
for I must tell thee it will please his Grace, by the
world, sometime to lean upon my poor shoulder, and
with his royal finger thus dally with my excrement,
with my mustachio; but, sweet heart, let that pass.
By the world, I recount no fable: some certain special
honours it pleaseth his greatness to impart to Armado,
a soldier, a man of travel, that hath seen the world;
but let that pass. The very all of all is- but,
sweet heart, I do implore secrecy- that the King would
have me present the Princess, sweet chuck, with some
delightful ostentation, or show, or pageant, or antic,
or firework. Now, understanding that the curate and
your sweet self are good at such eruptions and
sudden breaking-out of mirth, as it were, I have
acquainted you withal, to the end to crave your assistance.
HOLOFERNES.
Sir, you shall present before her the Nine Worthies.
Sir Nathaniel, as concerning some entertainment of time, some
show in the posterior of this day, to be rend'red by our
assistance, the King's command, and this most gallant,
illustrate, and learned gentleman, before the Princess- I say
none so fit as to present the Nine Worthies.
NATHANIEL.
Where will you find men worthy enough to present them?
HOLOFERNES.
Joshua, yourself; myself, Alexander; this gallant
gentleman, Judas Maccabaeus; this swain, because
of his great limb or joint, shall pass Pompey the
Great; the page, Hercules.
ARMADO.
Pardon, sir; error: he is not quantity enough for that
Worthy's thumb; he is not so big as the end of his club.
HOLOFERNES.
Shall I have audience? He shall present Hercules in
minority: his enter and exit shall be strangling
a snake; and I will have an apology for that purpose.
MOTH.
An excellent device! So, if any of the audience hiss,
you may cry 'Well done, Hercules; now thou crushest
the snake!' That is the way to make an offence gracious,
though few have the grace to do it.
ARMADO.
For the rest of the Worthies?
HOLOFERNES.
I will play three myself.
MOTH.
Thrice-worthy gentleman!
ARMADO.
Shall I tell you a thing?
HOLOFERNES.
We attend.
ARMADO.
We will have, if this fadge not, an antic.
I beseech you, follow.
HOLOFERNES.
Via, goodman Dull! Thou has spoken no word all this while.
DULL.
Nor understood none neither, sir.
HOLOFERNES.
Allons! we will employ thee.
DULL.
I'll make one in a dance, or so, or I will play
On the tabor to the Worthies, and let them dance the hay.
HOLOFERNES.
Most dull, honest Dull! To our sport, away.
[Exeunt.] _
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Read previous: ACT IV: SCENE III
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