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_ ACT II - SCENE II
[A luxurious Banquet Hall. Servants bring on a table, with food and wines; other servants carry in a chest containing gold; others, again, a table covered with plates, vases, candle-sticks, etc.--all of gold.]
PEHR.
[Walks about and looks around.]
So this is the rich man's abode! Well, it looks rather promising. Slaves! Give me my best holiday-coat--but it must be of gold.
[Servants hand him a gold-cloth coat.]
A chair!
[They place a gold chair at table.]
Now, Pehr, you shall enjoy life! and that is your right. Haven't you been up mornings at four o'clock; and rung for early Mass; haven't you swept the church on Fridays and scoured the stairs on Saturdays; haven't you eaten bread and herring three hundred and sixty-five days in the year and rinsed them down with cold water; haven't you slept on pease-bolt which was so badly threshed that you could feel the pease in your knee-joints? Oh, yes, you have--therefore enjoy yourself!
[Wants to sit at table.]
BUTLER.
[With staff in hand.]
Pardon, Your Grace! The table is not laid.
PEHR.
Isn't it?
BUTLER.
In a couple of hours the roasts will be ready.
PEHR.
I don't want any roasts.
BUTLER.
[Intercepts Pehr with staff.]
It can never be that one sits down at an unlaid table!
PEHR.
Who forbids me in my own house?
BUTLER.
Etiquette, Your Grace, does not under any circumstances permit it.
PEHR.
Etiquette! What kind of torment is that?
BUTLER.
Your Grace, listen to an old man's word! He who in Your Grace's position violates the rules of etiquette is lost.
PEHR.
[Frightened.]
What a harsh gentleman! I shall have to submit, although I'm beastly hungry--But, wait! Is there nothing that will move that gentleman? I have heard that gold--
[Goes over to chest and takes out a handful of gold coins.]
Would not--
BUTLER.
Your Grace! I stand above the servants; above me stands Your Grace, but above us all stands--Conventionality. Its laws are perpetual, for they have their foundation both in common sense and in what we call historical hypotheses.
PEHR.
And the historical hypotheses--cannot they be reached with gold?
BUTLER.
They are non-corruptible--in this instance!
PEHR.
What's the good of all my wealth if I cannot eat my fill when I'm hungry? I am worse off than the poorest bellringer.
[Butler stations himself at the table, and stands like a statue.]
[Enter Tax Assessor and assistants, who walk about and take an inventory.]
PEHR.
Look--here's a new torture! With what shall you gentlemen pester an innocent victim?
TAX ASSESSOR.
Taxation, Your Grace.
PEHR.
Indeed! So it is you who regulate people's worth. How high is a human being estimated these days?
TAX ASSESSOR.
Two per hundred, Your Grace;--all depends on what one is good for.
PEHR.
Tell me, can't I withdraw while the gentlemen figure up? for I am both hungry and thirsty.
TAX ASSESSOR.
Impossible! It must be done in the owner's presence.
PEHR.
O Lord, what trials! But I may be allowed to sit down at least?
TAX ASSESSOR.
As you please! [To assistants.] Two dozen plates with beveled edges--write! Six wine-coolers, with handles of finer metal--write! One sugar bowl, with sifting spoon, and two smaller ditto--write! Two dozen knives, with handles of mother-of-pearl--brand new--write!
PEHR.
See if I don't go crazy!
TAX ASSESSOR.
Dining table of oak, with double leaves--write! Six walnut chairs. [Enter Lawyer.]
PEHR.
One more!
LAWYER.
Your Grace is summoned to the City Court to have tax No. 2867 legalized before twelve o'clock this day.
PEHR.
The Court? Litigation? I never institute proceedings, sir!
LAWYER.
It's not a question of litigation--only to verify facts.
PEHR.
I don't wish to verify facts.
LAWYER.
But to put the case--
PEHR.
I don't want to put the case--I want my dinner! Butler, can't I take a sandwich? [Butler raises staff threateningly; enter petty constable.]
PEHR.
Are there still more?
PETTY CONSTABLE.
Your Grace is summoned to the Bar tomorrow at eleven o'clock for neglecting to keep the street clean.
PEHR.
Must I keep the street clean--I, who am such a rich man! What, then, must I not do?
PETTY CONSTABLE.
It is the duty of every householder to keep clean in front of his own house.
PEHR.
Etiquette, taxation, put the case, keep yard and street clean, hunger and thirst--is that the rich man's lot! Then I would rather be a street sweeper and own myself. And I'm not allowed to turn these gentlemen out, who crowd into my room, and I cannot go my way when I choose!
[Enter petitioner, followed by a servant carrying two baskets of papers.]
PEHR.
Mr. Lawyer and Mr. Constable, can't the law protect an unfortunate rich man so that he may have peace in his home, or is the law only for the poor?
LAWYER.
Your Grace can no longer be regarded as an individual; for when one through riches has risen to the community's heights, one belongs to the whole.
PEHR.
And so one is placed outside the law.
LAWYER.
[Smiles; glances about.]
Above the law, Your Grace!
PEHR.
Ha--! What does this last friend want! Are there any presents in those baskets?
PETITIONER.
Your Honorable Grace is appointed Church Warden--
PEHR.
[Interrupts.]
Called--
PETITIONER.
Called to vote day after to-morrow.
PEHR.
Eleven o'clock--
PETITIONER.
Eleven o'clock-to be present at the election of the new Rector. But before that, Your Grace must take part in the preliminaries which are here inclosed, and which are for the purpose of showing the incompetence of the opposing candidate for the office.
PEHR.
Must I read through two baskets full of papers between now and day after to-morrow? No, no!
PETITIONER.
Perhaps Your Grace would like to give your vote to our candidate--
PEHR.
Without having to read--is that permissible? Thank you, my good friend! Pen and ink!
PETITIONER.
[Hands Pehr pen, ink and paper for signature.]
Admirable! I thank Your Grace.
PEHR.
[Embracing him.]
Ah, it is I that must thank you!
BUTLER.
[Raps on table three times with staff; servants enter with dishes.]
Dinner is served. [All go except Pehr and butler.]
PEHR.
[Sits down at table.]
At last!
[Soft music.]
See, now they go when he commands; but when I beg, it's useless!
BUTLER.
It is not my command they obey, Your Grace, but the rules of etiquette.
PEHR.
And they transcend my will?
BUTLER.
Laws are the agreements of many, and must of course come before the individual's will.
PEHR.
I declare, he can answer all things! Now I shall enjoy myself at all events. Wine warms the heart, food warms the body--but where's the pleasure in loneliness? Mr. Butler, do the rules of etiquette permit that one has company when one is enjoying oneself?
BUTLER.
I almost believe that something in that way is required.
PEHR.
Well, then, I want--
[First Friend enters and rushes into Pehr's arms.]
FIRST FRIEND.
Friend of my heart! So I see thee again after such a long separation! And you are like yourself--a little thinner than when I last saw you; but how's everything now, dear old chap?
PEHR.
[Eyeing him.]
Oh, thanks, thanks--very well indeed, as--ahem--you see. Pray take a chair and sit down.
FIRST FRIEND.
Why, bless my soul! I've just had dinner, but I'll go into your ante-room and wait there while you finish yours.
PEHR.
No, that is just what you shall not do! I remarked a while ago that I thought life so empty when one must sit alone at table. Take a chair and sit down.
FIRST FRIEND.
Dear old friend, if you insist I will sit beside you while you dine; but it actually looks as though I had come here for a meal.
PEHR.
What matter even if it were so.
FIRST FRIEND.
[Protests.]
Oh--!
PEHR.
Wait a bit--I'm not saying that it is so!
FIRST FRIEND.
[Seats himself.]
So now you are in clover, as they say. It is pleasant to contemplate that fate can be so kindly, and it must ever rejoice a sensitive soul to see that some one is favored by fickle fortune. Not all--more's the pity!--can praise fickle fortune.
PEHR.
Indeed! Have you any grievances?
FIRST FRIEND.
I?
PEHR.
Yes--for I don't want to hear any hard-luck stories now, when I'm eating. Won't you be good enough to favor me by trying a hazel-grouse?
FIRST FRIEND.
If you speak of favors, my friend!
PEHR.
Then you mustn't say "my friend"; you must call me by name.
FIRST FRIEND.
Christopher! You ask a service of poor me--can I then deny you!
[He begins to eat, his appetite increases during following repartee. Pehr regards him with open-eyed wonder.]
PEHR.
One should never deny another anything?
FIRST FRIEND.
Well said! One should never deny oneself anything--one another, I mean.
[Enter Second Friend.]
SECOND FRIEND.
[Walking straight up to the table.]
Good day, Goran! Do you remember me?
[Pehr Stares at him.]
No you don't, but I remember you. You see, I never forget my old friends! In the hour of need I look them up. Here you sit and eat and I have nothing to eat, therefore I say right out: Boy, here am I!
[Seats himself at table.]
FIRST FRIEND.
[To Pehr.]
Who is that tramp? He eats as though he had not seen food from Christmas to Easter!
PEHR.
Oh, he's a friend of mine.
SECOND FRIEND.
[To Pehr.]
Who is that beggar? He stuffs himself like a. wolf in the springtime!
PEHR.
Oh, he is a good friend of mine.
FIRST FRIEND.
[To Pehr.]
Beware false friends, Pehr!
SECOND FRIEND.
[To Pehr.]
Beware false friends, Pehr!
PEHR.
Yes, yes!
FIRST FRIEND.
[To Pehr.]
You'll see, he is going to borrow money from you.
SECOND FRIEND.
[To Pehr.]
If he asks for a loan from you, you must say no--for he never pays.
PEHR.
You don't say so! Well, good friends, don't you think this an excellent repast?
SECOND FRIEND.
I never flatter!
FIRST FRIEND.
No, my friend, you only stuff yourself! I never flatter, either, but I cannot therefore mask the truth and must acknowledge that anything of this sort I have never before had a share in, and it has to be Christopher that offers such a treat! Your health, brother Christopher!
PEHR.
[Aghast.]
Christopher?
SECOND FRIEND.
I'm a plain, everyday sort of man, and cannot make pretty speeches--which I scorn, and the expression of which from such a source I can ascribe only to a secret desire to get money. That is my plain, everyday opinion.
FIRST FRIEND.
What insolence!
PEHR.
I must beg that no serious discussions interrupt this delightful gathering, which would be even more agreeable if it were sweetened by some charming representative of the opposite sex.
[A Woman appears.]
PEHR.
Behold!
WOMAN.
So you couldn't wait for me! That was most impolite, but I forgive you since you are my friend. There's my hand!
PEHR.
[Kisses her hand.]
I beg a thousand pardons, my beauty, but I must have been mistaken as to the day? Meanwhile, be seated. Will my friends make room at my side? [Friends crowd nearer to him.] No? Well, he who is the younger must do so. That perhaps you do not know? Then he who is my best friend will voluntarily give up his place, for he is always just as near to my heart anyhow.
[Both friends give up their places.]
I see that you are both my best friends.
WOMAN.
And I your best friend among women. Am I not, Alonzo?
PEHR.
Quite right. And now as I raise the bumper, I want to drain it to Friendship! Friendship is like gold, for it is pure.
WOMAN.
[To friends.]
How prettily he speaks!
PEHR.
Friendship is like the moon--
THREE FRIENDS.
Bravo! Bravo!
PEHR.
For it borrows its gold--
[Three Friends exchange glances]
--from the sun. And it darkens when the sun departs; true, is it not?
ALL THREE FRIENDS.
[Sullenly.]
Very well said!
PEHR.
But friendship is a fire; it must be fed if it is to be kept burning. You have given me your friendship, what have I to give you?
[Three friends glance around.]
You look on my gold. Alack, it is but dust as compared with your friendship!
WOMAN.
[Adroitly.]
One must not despise the temporal because the eternal exists.
FRIENDS.
Admirably expressed!
PEHR.
Very well, I wish to reward your faith. See--all this gold I give you!
ALL THREE FRIENDS.
Ah!
[They upset the table.]
PEHR.
But remember, I have told you that gold is nothing but dross.
[Puts hand to mouth and paces back and forth.]
O my God! I believe I'm dying!
WOMAN.
What's wrong with you, Alonzo?
PEHR.
I've got the toothache--oh, my teeth! You see that the rich man, also, is exposed to the annoyances of life.
[Friends, with gold pieces, move toward doors.]
PEHR.
No, don't leave me alone in my misery--now, when I most need your company!
FIRST FRIEND.
Oh, a little toothache is not dangerous; it will soon pass!
SECOND FRIEND.
Take some cold water in your mouth, then you'll be all right.
WOMAN.
Oh, the men! They are so sensitive to a little pain. You should see a woman suffer!
PEHR.
Ah, don't forsake me! I suffer so terribly!
FIRST FRIEND.
I shall never forsake you! [Hand on door.] I'll run for the dentist.
PEHR. No, stay!
SECOND FRIEND.
[Near door.]
No; as George's oldest friend it devolves upon me to--
PEHR.
You want to run away from me! Oh, I curse this gold! I curse you, false friends! [Gold pieces in their hands turn black.]
ALL THREE FRIENDS.
He has deceived us--look, look! [All three are stricken with toothache and begin to moan.] Oh! Oh!
PEHR.
[Recovered.]
Oh, it's only a little toothache; it will soon pass.--Take cold water in your mouth, old friend, and then it will disappear.
[Woman faints.]
Surely a woman will not faint for such a little pain!
[Friends rush out.]
Now run to the dentist and let him draw all your teeth, foxes! After that you'll not bite any more sheep.
WOMAN.
[Coming to.]
Alfred! all have forsaken you; but I shall remain with you.
PEHR.
Yes, but why should you? I'm as poor as the poorest; soon the tax collector will be coming around for the taxes, and he'll seize everything.
WOMAN.
[Snuggles up to him.]
Then I want to be at your side to support you--[seizes his hand and steals ring during following speeches] and extend to you the hand--
PEHR.
[Duped.]
You! Can this be true?
WOMAN.
True? Look at me!
PEHR.
Ah, I have been told that woman is more faithless than man--
WOMAN.
She is wiser than man [puts ring on], therefore she is called faithless. Oh, let me sit, I'm so unstrung!
[Pehr leads her to a chair by the wall.]
PEHR.
Compose yourself, my friend; I have only frightened you.
WOMAN.
Give me a glass of wine; I feel so faint after all this commotion.
[Pehr goes over to table; wall back of the chair opens and woman and chair disappear. Only the hand with ring is seen as she is heard speaking.]
Ha, ha--schoolboy! Learn from this not to trust a woman whom you have tricked!
[Alone, Pehr runs to window and looks out, as he draws back his head, he has the ears of an ass.]
PEHR.
Curses on gold, friendship and women! Now I stand alone--poor, deserted--with a pair of long ears and without my magic ring! Had I known that life was so utterly ignoble, I should have stayed at home with the witch. Where shall I turn to now--without friends, without money, without house and home? Trouble awaits me at the door. Must I now, in all seriousness, go out in the world and work for the attainment of my every wish? If only I were not so alone! Yet, why not as well be alone, since there is no such thing as friendship, and everything is so false and empty? Damnation!
[Enter Lisa.]
LISA.
Don't curse, Pehr!
PEHR.
Lisa! You do not forsake me, although I forgot you in my prosperous days.
LISA.
It is in our need that we find our friends.
PEHR.
Friends? A curse on friendship!
LISA.
Don't, Pehr! There are real friendships in life as well as false friends.
PEHR.
I have now tried the good things of life, and I found only emptiness and vanity!
LISA.
You have tried in your way--meantime you have made the first plunge of youth, and now you shall be a man! You have looked for happiness in the wrong direction. Don't you want to go out and do good, enlighten your fellow-men, and be useful? For your clear vision can penetrate the perversion and crookedness which one finds in life.
PEHR.
And be a great man!
LISA.
Great or obscure, it is all one. You shall be useful--you shall be a reformer who leads humanity onward and upward.
PEHR.
Yes, a reformer who will be honored and idolized by the people, and whose name will be on everyone's lips.
LISA.
Oh, how far you are from the truth, Pehr! You seek greatness only for personal honor; you shall have it and you shall have a new experience.
PEHR.
But how? My ring is gone!
LISA.
The qualities inherent in that ring are such that it can never be away from its owner.
PEHR.
[Looks at his hand.]
Ah! See, there it is! Well, then, I want to be a great man--a reformer; but you, Lisa, must follow me.
LISA.
Not yet. But I will follow thee at a distance, and when thou dost meet with sorrow and need and the sun of happiness is for thee o'erclouded, then I will be near thee with my weak support. Go thou out into life, see what wrongs are done there; but when 'midst filth and mire thou hast seen how even the flower of beauty thrives, then think on this: Life is made up of both good and bad.
[CURTAIN] _
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