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_ PETRONIUS to VINICIUS: -- "Have pity, carissime; imitate not in
thy letters the Lacedemonians or Julius Caesar! Couldst thou, like
Julius, write Veni, vidi, vici (I came, I saw, I conquered), I might
understand thy brevity. But thy letter means absolutely Veni, vidi,
fugi (I came, I saw, I fled). Since such a conclusion of the affair is
directly opposed to thy nature, since thou art wounded, and since,
finally, uncommon things are happening to thee, thy letter needs
explanation. I could not believe my eyes when I read that the
Lygian giant killed Croton as easily as a Caledonian dog would kill
a wolf in the defiles of Hibernia. That man is worth as much gold
as he himself weighs, and it depends on him alone to become a
favorite of Caesar. When I return to the city, I must gain a nearer
acquaintance with that Lygian, and have a bronze statue of him
made for myself. Ahenobarbus will burst from curiosity, when I
tell him that it is from nature. Bodies really athletic are becoming
rarer in Italy and in Greece; of the Orient no mention need be
made; the Germans, though large, have muscles covered with fat,
and are greater in bulk than in strength. Learn from the Lygian if
he is an exception, or if in his country there are more men like
him. Should it happen sometime to thee or me to organize games
officially, it would be well to know where to seek for the best
bodies.
"But praise to the gods of the Orient and the Occident that thou
hast come out of such hands alive. Thou hast escaped, of course,
because thou art a patrician, and the son of a consul; but
everything which has happened astonishes me in the highest
degree, -- that cemetery where thou wert among the Christians,
they, their treatment of thee, the subsequent flight of Lygia; finally,
that peculiar sadness and disquiet which breathes from thy short
letter. Explain, for there are many points which I cannot
understand; and if thou wish the truth, I will tell thee plainly, that I
understand neither the Christians nor thee nor Lygia. Wonder not
that I, who care for few things on earth except my own person,
inquire of thee so eagerly. I have contributed to all this affair of
thine; hence it is my affair so far. Write soon, for I cannot foresee
surely when we may meet. In Bronzebeard's head plans change, as
winds do in autumn. At present, while tarrying in Beneventum, he
has the wish to go straightway to Greece, without returning to
Rome. Tigellinus, however, advises him to visit the city even for a
time, since the people, yearning overmuch for his person (read 'for
games and bread') may revolt. So I cannot tell how it will be.
Should Achaea overbalance, we may want to see Egypt. I should
insist with all my might on thy coming, for I think that in thy state
of mmd travelling and our amusements would be a medicine, but
thou mightst not find us. Consider, then, whether in that case
respose in thy Sicilian estates would not be preferable to
remaining in Rome. Write me minutely of thyself, and farewell. I
add no wish this time, except health; for, by Pollux!
I know not what to wish thee."
Vinicius, on receiving this letter, felt at first no desire to reply. He
had a kind of feeling that it was not worth while to reply, that an
answer would benefit no one in any way, that it would explain
nothing. Discontent, and a feeling of the vanity of life, possessed
him. He thought, moreover, that Petronius would not comprehend
him in any case, and that something had happened which would
remove them from each other. He could not come to an agreement
with himself, even. When he returned from the Trans-Tiber to his
splendid "insula," he was exhausted, and found for the first days a
certain satisfaction in rest and in the comfort and abundance about
him. That satisfaction lasted but a short time, however. He felt
soon that he was living in vanity; that all which so far had formed
the interest of his life either had ceased to exist for him or had
shrunk to proportions barely perceptible. He had a feeling as if
those ties which hitherto had connected him with life had been cut
in his soul, and that no new ones had been formed. At the thought
that he might go to Beneventum and thence to Acham, to swim in
a life of luxury and wild excess, he had a feeling of emptiness. "To
what end? What shall I gain from it?" These were the first
questions which passed through his head. And for the first time in
life, also, he thought that if he went, the conversation of Petronius,
his wit, his quickness, his exquisite outlining of thought, and his
choice of apt phrases for every idea might annoy him.
But solitude, too, had begun to annoy him. All his acquaintances
were with Caesar in Beneventum; so he had to stay at home alone,
with a head full of thoughts, and a heart full of feelings which he
could not analyze. He had moments, however, in which he judged
that if he could converse with some one about everything that took
place in him, perhaps he might be able to grasp it all somehow,
bring it to order, and estimate it better. Under the influence of this
hope, and after some days of hesitation, he decided to answer
Petronius; and, though not certain that he would send the answer,
he wrote it in the following words: --
"It is thy wish that I write more minutely, agreed then; whether I
shall be able to do it more clearly, I cannot tell, for there are many
knots which I know not myself how to loosen. I described to thee
my stay among the Christians, and their treatment of enemies,
among whom they had a right to count both me and Chilo; finally,
of the kindness with which they nursed me, and of the
disappearance of Lygia. No, my dear friend, I was not spared
because of being the son of a consul. Such considerations do not
exist for them, since they forgave even Chilo, though I urged them
to bury him in the garden. Those are people such as the world has
not seen hitherto, and their teaching is of a kind that the world has
not heard up to this time. I can say nothing else, and he errs who
measures them with our measure. I tell thee that, if I had been
lying with a broken arm in my own house, and if my own peopls,
even my own family, had nursed me, I should have had more
comforts, of course, but I should not have received half the care
which I found among them.
"Know this, too, that Lygia is like the others. Had she been my
sister or my wife, she could not have nursed me more tenderly.
Delight filled my heart more than once, for I judged that love alone
could inspire the like tenderness. More than once I saw love in her
look, in her face; and, wilt thou believe mc? among those simple
people then in that poor chamber, which was at once a culina
and a triclinium, I felt happier than ever before. No; she was not
indifferent to me -- and to-day even I cannot think that she was.
Still that same Lygia left Miriam's dwelling in secret because of
me. I sir now whole days with my head on my hands, and think,
Why did she do so? Have I written thee that I volunteered to
restore her to Aulus? True, she declared that to he impossible at
present, because Aulus and Pomponia had gone to Sicily, and
because news of her return going from house to house, through
slaves, would reach the Palatine, and Caesar might take her from
Aifins again. But she knew that I would not pursue her longer; that
I had left the way of violence; that, unable to cease loving her or to
live without her, I would bring her into my house through a
wreathed door, and seat her on a sacred skin at my hearth. Still she
fled! Why? Nothing was threatening her. Did she not love me, she
might have rejected me. The day before her flight, I made the
acquaintance of a wonderful man, a certain Paul of Tarsus, who
spoke to me of Christ and His teachings, and spoke with such
power that every word of his, without his willing it, rums nil the
foundations of our society into ashes. That same man visited me
after her flight, and said: 'If God open thy eyes to the light, and
take the beam from them as He took it from mine, thou wilt feel
that she acted properly; and then, perhaps, thou wilt find her.' And
now I am breaking my head over these words, as if I had heard
them from the mouth of the Pythoness at Delphi. I seem to
understand something. Though they love people, the Christians are
enemies of our life, our gods, and our crimes; hence she fled from
mc, as from a man who belongs to our society, and with whom she
would have to share a life counted criminal by Christians. Thou
wilt say that since she might reject me, she had no need to
withdraw. But if she loved me? In that case she desired to flee
from love. At the very thought of this I wish to send slaves into
every alley in Rome, and command them to cry throughout the
houses, 'Return, Lygis!' But I cease to understand why she fled. I
should nor have stopped her from believing in her Christ, and
would myself have reared an altar to Him in the atrium. What
harth eould one more god do me? Why might I not believe in him,
-- I who do not believe overmuch in the old gods? I know with full
certainty that the Christlans do not lie; amd they say that he rose
from the dead. A man cannot rise from the dead. That Paul of
TarIlls, who is a Roman citizen, but who, as a Jew, knows the old
Hebrew writings, told mc that the coming of Christ was promised
by prophets for whole thousands of years. All these are uncommon
things, but does not the uncommon surround us on every side?
People have not ceased talking yet of Apollonius of Tyana. Paul's
statement that there is one God, not a whole assembly of them,
seems sound to rue. Perhaps Seneca is of this opinion, and before
him many others. Christ lived, gave Himself to h‡ crucified for the
salvation of the world, and rose from the dead. All this is perfectly
certain. I do not see, therefore, a reason why I should insist on an
opposite opinion, or why I should not rear to Him an Altir, If I am
ready to rear one to Serapis, for instance. It would not be difficult
for me even to renounce other gods, for no reasoning mind
believes in them at present, But it seems that all this is not enough
yet for the Christians, It is not enough to honor Christ, one must
also live according to His teachings, and here thou err on the shore
of a sea which they command thee to wade through.
"If I promised to do so, they themselves would feel that the
promise was an empty sound of words. Paul told me so openly.
Thou knowest how I love Lygis, and knowcst that there is nothing
that I would not do for her. Still, even at her wish, I cannot raise
Soraete or Vesuvius on my shoulders, or place Thrasymenc Lake
on the palm of my hand, or from black make my eyes blue, like
those of the Lygians. If she so desited, I could have the wish, but
the change does not lie in my power. I am not a philosopher, but
also I ant not So dull as I have seemed, perhaps, more than once to
thee, 1 will state now the following: I know not how the Christians
order their own lives, but I know that where their religion begins,
Roman rule ends, Rome itself ends, our mode of life ends, the
distinction between conquered and -- conqueror, between rich and
poor, lord and slave, ends, government ends, Caesar ends, law and
all the order of the world ends; and in place of those appear Christ,
with a certain mercy not existent hitherto, and kindness, opposed
to human and our Roman instincts. It is true that Lygia is more to
me than all Rome and its lordship; and I would let society vanish
could 1 have her in my house. But that is another thing. Agreement
in words does nor satisfy the Christians; a man must feel that their
teaching is truth, and not have aught else in his soul. But that, the
gods are my witnesses, is beyond me. Dost understand what that
means? There is something in my nature which shudders at this
religion; and! were my lips to glorify it, were I to conform to its
preceprts, my soul and my reason would say that I do so through
love for Lygia, and that apart from her there is to me nothing on
earth more repulsive. And, a strange thing, Paul of Tarsus
understands this, and so does that old theurgus Peter, who in spite
of all his simplicity and low origin is the highest among them, and
was the disciple of Christ. And dost thou know what they are
doing? They are praying for me, and calling down something
which they call grace; hut nothing descends on me, save disquiet,
and a greater yearning for Lygia.
"I have written thee that she went away secretly; but when going
she left me a cross which she put together from twigs of boxwood.
When I woke up, 1 found ft near my bed. I have it now in the
lararium, and I approach it yet, I cannot tell why, as if there were
something divine in it, that is, with awe and reverence. I love it
because her hand bound it, and I hate it be-cause it divides us. At
times it seems to me that there are enchantments of some kind in
all this affair, and that the theurgus, Peter, though he declares
himself to be a simple shepherd, is greater than Apollonius, and all
who preceded him, and that he has involved us all -- Lygia,
Pomponia, and me -- with them.
"Thou hast written that in my previous letter disquiet and sadness
are visible. Sadness there must be, for I have lost her again, and
there is disquiet because something has changed in me. I tell thee
sincerely, that nothing is mote repugnant to my nature than that
religion, and still I cannot recognize myself since I met Lygia. Is it
enchantment, or love? Circe changed people's bodies by touching
them, but my soul has been changed. No one but Lygia could have
done that, or rather Lygia through that wonderful religion which
she professes. When I returned to my house from the Christians, no
one was waiting for me. The slaves thought that I was in
Beneventum, and would not return soon; hence there was disorder
in the house. I found the slaves drunk, and a feast, which they were
giving themselves, in my triclinium. They had more thought of
seeing death than me, and would have been less terrified by it.
Thou knowest with what a firm hand I hold my house; all to the
last one dropped on their knees, and some fainted from terror. But
dost thou know how I acted? At the first moment I wished to call
for rods and hot iron, but immediately a kind of shame seized me,
and, wilt thou lend belief? A species of pity for those wretched
people. Among them are old slaves whom my grandfather, Marcus
Vinicius, brought from the Rhine in the time of Augustus. 1 shut
myself up alone in the library, and there came stranger thoughts
still to my head; namely, that after what I had heard and seen
among the Christians, it did not become me to act with slaves as 1
had acted hitherto -- that they too were people. For a number of
days they moved about in mortal terror, in the belief that I was
delaying so as to invent punishment the more cruel, but I did not
punish, and did not punish because I was not able. Summoning
them on the third day, I said, 'I forgive you; strive then with earnest
service to correct your fault!' They fell on their knees, covering
their faces with tears, stretching forth their hands with groans, and
called me lord and father; but I -- with shame do I write this -- was
equally moved. It seemed to me that at that moment I was looking
at the sweet face of Lygia, and her eyes filled with tears, thanking
me for that act. And, prob pudor! I felt that my lips too were moist.
Dost know what I will confess to thee? This, -- that I cannot do
without her, that it is ill for me alone, that I am simply unhappy,
and that my sadness is greater than thou wilt admit. But, as to my
slaves, one thing arrested my attention. The forgiveness which they
received not only did not make them insolent, not only did not
weaken discipline, but never had fear roused them to such ready
service as has gratitude. Not only do they serve, but they seem to
vie with one another to divine my wishes. I mention this to thee
because, when, the day before I left the Christians, I told Paul that
society would fall apart because of his religion, as a cask without
hoops, he answered, 'Love is a stronger hoop than fear.' And now I
see that in certain cases his opinion may be right. I have verified it
also with references to clients, who, learning of my return, hurried
to salute me. Thou knowest that I have never been penurious with
them; but my father acted haughtily with clients on principle, and
taught me to treat them in like manner. But when I saw their worn
mantles and hungry faces, I had a feeling something like
compassion. I gave command to bring them food, and conversed
besides with them, -- called some by name, some I asked about
their wives and children, -- and again in the eyes before me I saw
tears; again it seemed to me that Lygia saw what I was doing, that
she praised and was delighted. Is my mind beginning to wander, or
is love confusing my feelings? I cannot tell. But this I do know; I
have a continual feeling that she is looking at me from a distance,
and I am afraid to do aught that might trouble or offend her.
"So it is, Caius! but they have changed my soul, and sometimes I
feel well for that reason. At times again I am tormented with the
thought, for I fear that my manhood and energy are taken from me;
that, perhaps, I am useless, not only for counsel, for judgment, for
feasts, but for war even. These are undoubted enchantments! And
to such a degree am I changed that I tell thee this, too, which came
to my head when I lay wounded: that if Lygia were like Nigidia,
Poppae, Crispinilla, and our divorced women, if she were as vile,
as pitiless, and as cheap as they, I should not love her as I do at
present. But since I love her for that which divides us, thou wilt
divine what a chaos is rising in my soul, in what darkness I live,
how it is that I cannot see certain roads before me, and how far I
am from knowing what to begin. If life may be compared to a
spring, in my spring disquiet flows instead of water. I live through
the hope that I shall see her, perhaps, and sometimes it seems to
me that I shall see her surely. But what will happen to me in a year
or two years, I know not, and cannot divine. I shall not leave
Rome. I could not endure the society of the Augustians; and
besides, the one solace in my sadness and disquiet is the thought
that I am near Lygia, that through Glaucus the physician, who
promised to visit me, or through Paul of Tarsus, I can learn
something of her at times. No; I would not leave Rome, even were
ye to offer me the government of Egypt. Know also, that I have
ordered the sculptor to make a stone monument for Gulo, whom I
slew in anger. Too late did it come to my mind that he had carried
me in his arms, and was the first to teach me how to put an arrow
on a bow. I know not why it was that a recollection of him rose in
me which was sorrow and reproach. If what I write astonish thee, I
reply that it astonishes me no less, but I write pure truth. --
Farewell." _
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