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Thomas Wingfold, Curate, a novel by George MacDonald |
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Volume 1 - Chapter 17. Polwarth's Plan |
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_ VOLUME I CHAPTER XVII. POLWARTH'S PLAN "I think I understand you now," said Wingfold, after the little pause occasioned by the young woman's entrance. "You would have a man who cannot be original, deal honestly in second-hand goods. Or perhaps rather, he should say to the congregation--'This is not home-made bread I offer you, but something better. I got it from this or that baker's shop. I have eaten of it myself, and it has agreed well with me and done me good. If you chew it well, I don't doubt you also will find it good.'--Is that something like what you would have, Mr. Polwarth?" "Precisely," answered the gate-keeper. "But," he added, after a moment's delay, "I should be sorry if you stopped there." "Stopped there!" echoed Wingfold. "The question is whether I can begin there. You have no idea how ignorant I am--how little I have read!" "I have some idea of both, I fancy. I must have known considerably less than you at your age, for I was never at a university." "But perhaps even then you had more of the knowledge which, they say, life only can give." "I have it now at all events. But of that everyone has enough who lives his life. Those who gain no experience are those who shirk the king's highway, for fear of encountering the Duty seated by the roadside." "You ought to be a clergyman yourself, sir," said Wingfold, humbly. "How is it that such as I----" Here he checked himself, knowing something of how it was. "I hope I ought to be just what I am, neither more nor less," replied Polwarth. "As to being a clergyman, Moses had a better idea about such things, at least so far as concerns outsides, than you seem to have, Mr. Wingfold. He would never have let a man who in size and shape is a mere mockery of the human, stand up to minister to the congregation. But if you will let me help you, I shall be most grateful; for of late I have been oppressed with the thought that I serve no one but myself and my niece. I am in mortal fear of growing selfish under the weight of my privileges." A fit of asthmatic coughing seized him, and grew in severity until he seemed struggling for his life. It was at the worst when his niece entered, but she showed no alarm, only concern, and did nothing but go up to him and lay her hand on his back between his shoulders till the fit was over. The instant the convulsion ceased, its pain dissolved in a smile. Wingfold uttered some lame expressions of regret that he should suffer so much. "It is really nothing to distress you, or me either, Mr. Wingfold," said the little man. "Shall we have a cup of tea, and then resume our talk?" "The fact, I find, Mr. Polwarth," said the curate, giving the result of what had been passing through his mind, and too absorbed in that to reply to the invitation, "is, that I must not, and indeed cannot give you half-confidences. I will tell you all that troubles me, for it is plain that you know something of which I am ignorant, --something which, I have great hopes, will turn out to be the very thing I need to know. May I speak? Will you let me talk about myself?" "I am entirely at your service, Mr. Wingfold," returned Polwarth, and seeing the curate did not touch his tea, placed his own cup again on the table. The young woman got down like a child from the chair upon which she had perched herself at the table, and with a kind look at Wingfold, was about to leave the room. "No, no, Miss Polwarth!" said the curate, rising; "I shall not be able to go on if I feel that I have sent you away--and your tea untouched too! What a selfish and ungrateful fellow I am! I did not even observe that you had given me tea! But you would pardon me if you knew what I have been going through. If you don't mind staying, we can talk and drink our tea at the same time. I am very fond of tea, when it is so good as I see yours is. I only fear I may have to say some things that will shock you." "I will stay till then," replied Rachel, with a smile, and climbed again upon her chair. "I am not much afraid. My uncle says things sometimes fit to make a Pharisee's hair stand on his head, but somehow they make my heart burn inside me.--May I stop, uncle?--I should like so much!" "Certainly, my child, if Mr. Wingfold will not feel your presence a restraint." "Not in the least," said the curate. Miss Polwarth helped them to bread and butter, and a brief silence followed. "I was brought up to the church," said Wingfold at length, playing with his teaspoon, and looking down on the table. "It's an awful shame such a thing should have been, but I don't find out that anybody in particular was to blame for it. Things are all wrong that way, in general, I doubt. I pass my examinations with decency, distinguish myself in nothing, go before the bishop, am admitted a deacon, after a year am ordained a priest, and after another year or two of false preaching and of parish work, suddenly find myself curate in charge of a grand old abbey church; but as to what the whole thing means in practical relation with myself as a human being, I am as ignorant as Simon Magus, without his excuse. Do not mistake me. I think I could stand an examination on the doctrines of the church, as contained in the articles, and prayer-book generally. But for all they have done for me, I might as well have never heard of them." "Don't be quite sure of that, Mr. Wingfold. At least, they have brought you to inquire if there be anything in them." "Mr. Polwarth," returned Wingfold abruptly, "I cannot even prove there is a God!" "But the church of England exists for the sake of teaching Christianity, not proving that there is a God." "What is Christianity, then?" "God in Christ, and Christ in man." "What is the use of that if there be no God?" "None whatever." "Mr. Polwarth, can you prove there is a God?" "No." "Then if you don't believe there is a God--I don't know what is to become of me," said the curate, in a tone of deep disappointment, and rose to go. "Mr. Wingfold," said the little man, with a smile and a deep breath as of delight at the thought that was moving in him, "I know him in my heart, and he is all in all to me. You did not ask whether I believed in him, but whether I could prove that there was a God. As well ask a fly, which has not yet crawled about the world, if he can prove that it is round!" "Pardon me, and have patience with me," said Wingfold, resuming his seat. "I am a fool. But it is life or death to me." "I would we were all such fools!--But please ask me no more questions; or ask me as many as you will, but expect no answers just yet. I want to know more of your mind first." "Well, I will ask questions, but press for no answers.--If you cannot prove there is a God, do you know for certain that such a one as Jesus Christ ever lived? Can it be proved with positive certainty? I say nothing of what they call the doctrines of Christianity, or the authority of the church, or the sacraments, or anything of that sort. Such questions are at present of no interest to me. And yet the fact that they do not interest me, were enough to prove me in as false and despicable a position as ever man found himself occupying--as arrant a hypocrite and deceiver as any god-personating priest in the Delphic temple.--I had rather a man despised than excused me, Mr. Polwarth, for I am at issue with myself, and love not my past." "I shall do neither, Mr. Wingfold. Go on, if you please, sir. I am more deeply interested than I can tell you." "Some few months ago then, I met a young man who takes for granted the opposite of all that I had up to that time taken for granted, and which now I want to be able to prove. He spoke with contempt of my profession. I could not defend my profession, and of course had to despise myself. I began to think. I began to pray--if you will excuse me for mentioning it. My whole past life appeared like the figures that glide over the field of a camera obscura--not an abiding fact in it all. A cloud gathered about me, and hangs about me still. I call, but no voice answers me out of the darkness, and at times I am in despair. I would, for the love and peace of honesty, give up the profession, but I shrink from forsaking what I may yet possibly find--though I fear, I fear--to be as true as I wish to find it. Something, I know not what, holds me to it--some dim vague affection, possibly mere prejudice, aided by a love for music, and the other sweet sounds of our prayers and responses. Nor would I willingly be supposed to deny what I dare not say--indeed know not how to say I believe, not knowing what it is. I should nevertheless have abandoned everything months ago, had I not felt bound by my agreement to serve my rector for a year. You are the only one of the congregation who has shown me any humanity, and I beg of you to be my friend and help me. What shall I do? After the avowal you have made, I may well ask you again, How am I to know that there is a God?" "It were a more pertinent question, sir," returned Polwarth,--"If there be a God, how am I to find him?--And, as I hinted before, there is another question--one you have already put--more pertinent to your position as an English clergyman: Was there ever such a man as Jesus Christ?--Those, I think, were your own words: what do you mean by SUCH a man?" "Such as he is represented in the New Testament." "From that representation, what description would you give of him now? What is that SUCH? What sort of person, supposing the story true, would you take this Jesus, from that story, to have been?" Wingfold thought for a while. "I am a worse humbug than I fancied," he said. "I cannot tell what he was. My thoughts of him are so vague and indistinct that it would take me a long time to render myself able to answer your question." "Perhaps longer still than you think, sir. It took me a very long time.--" _ |
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