Chapter 27. A Disappointment

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_ CHAPTER XXVII. A DISAPPOINTMENT

I trust it will not be regarded as a sign of shallowness of nature that I rose in the morning comparatively calm. Clara was to me as yet only the type of general womanhood, around which the amorphous loves of my manhood had begun to gather, not the one woman whom the individual man in me had chosen and loved. How could I _love_ that which I did not yet know: she was but the heroine of my objective life, as projected from me by my imagination--not the love of my being. Therefore, when the wings of sleep had fanned the motes from my brain, I was cool enough, notwithstanding an occasional tongue of indignant flame from the ashes of last night's fire, to sit down to my books, and read with tolerable attention my morning portion of Plato. But when I turned to my novel, I found I was not master of the situation. My hero too was in love and in trouble; and after I had written a sentence and a half, I found myself experiencing the fate of Heine when he roused the Sphinx of past love by reading his own old verses:--

Lebendig ward das Marmorbild,
Der Stein begann zu aechzen.

In a few moments I was pacing up and down the room, eager to burn my moth-wings yet again in the old fire. And by the way, I cannot help thinking that the moths enjoy their fate, and die in ecstasies. I was, however, too shy to venture on a call that very morning: I should both feel and look foolish. But there was no more work to be done then. I hurried to the stable, saddled my mare, and set out for a gallop across the farm, but towards the high road leading to Minstercombe, in the opposite direction, that is, from the Hall, which I flattered myself was to act in a strong-minded manner. There were several fences and hedges between, but I cleared them all without discomfiture. The last jump was into a lane. We, that is my mare and I, had scarcely alighted, when my ears were invaded by a shout. The voice was the least welcome I could have heard, that of Brotherton. I turned and saw him riding up the hill, with a lady by his side.

'Hillo!' he cried, almost angrily, 'you don't deserve to have such a cob.' (He _would_ call her a cob.) 'You don't know-how to use her. To jump her on to the hard like that!'

It was Clara with him!--on the steady stiff old brown horse! My first impulse was to jump my mare over the opposite fence, and take no heed, of them, but clearly it was not to be attempted, for the ground fell considerably on the other side. My next thought was to ride away and leave them. My third was one which some of my readers will judge Quixotic, but I have a profound reverence for the Don--and that not merely because I have so often acted as foolishly as he. This last I proceeded to carry out, and lifting-my hat, rode to meet them. Taking no notice whatever of Brotherton, I addressed Clara--in what I fancied a distant and dignified manner, which she might, if she pleased, attribute to the presence of her companion.

'Miss Coningham,' I said, 'will you allow me the honour of offering you my mare? She will carry you better.'

'You are very kind, Mr Cumbermede,' she returned in a similar tone, but with a sparkle in her eyes. 'I am greatly obliged to you. I cannot pretend to prefer old crossbones to the beautiful creature which gave me so much pleasure yesterday.'

I was off and by her side in a moment, helping her to dismount. I did not even look at Brotherton, though I felt he was staring like an equestrian statue. While I shifted the saddles Clara broke the silence, which I was in too great an inward commotion to heed, by asking--

'What is the name of your beauty, Mr Cumbermede?'

'Lilith,' I answered.

'What a pretty name! I never heard it before. Is it after any one--any public character, I mean?'

'Quite a public character,' I returned--'Adam's first wife.'

'I never heard he had two,' she rejoined, laughing.

'The Jews say he had. She is a demon now, and the pest of married women and their babies,'

'What a horrible name to give your mare!'

'The name is pretty enough. And what does it matter what the woman was, so long as she was beautiful.'

'I don't quite agree with you there,' she returned, with what I chose to consider a forced laugh.

By this time her saddle was firm on Lilith, and in an instant she was mounted. Brotherton moved to ride on, and the mare followed him. Clara looked back.

'You will catch us up in a moment,' she said, possibly a little puzzled between us.

I was busy tightening my girths, and fumbled over the job more than was necessary. Brotherton was several yards ahead, and she was walking the mare slowly after him. I made her no answer, but mounted, and rode in the opposite direction; It was rude of course, but I did it. I could not have gone with them, and was afraid, if I told her so, she would dismount and refuse the mare.

In a tumult of feeling I rode on without looking behind me, careless whither--how long I cannot tell, before I woke up to find I did not know where I was. I must ride on till I came to some place I knew, or met some one who could tell me. Lane led into lane, buried betwixt deep banks and lofty hedges, or passing through small woods, until I ascended a rising ground, whence I got a view of the country. At once its features began to dawn upon me: I was close to the village of Aldwick, where I had been at school, and in a few minutes I rode into its wide straggling street. Not a mark of change had passed upon it. There were the same dogs about the doors, and the same cats in the windows. The very ferns in the chinks of the old draw-well appeared the same; and the children had not grown an inch since first I drove into the place marvelling at its wondrous activity.

The sun was hot, and my horse seemed rather tired. I was in no mood to see any one, and besides had no pleasant recollections of my last visit to Mr Elder, so I drew up at the door of the little inn, and having sent my horse to the stable for an hour's rest and a feed of oats, went into the sanded parlour, ordered a glass of ale, and sat staring at the china shepherdesses on the chimney-piece. I see them now, the ugly things, as plainly as if that had been an hour of the happiest reflections. I thought I was miserable, but I know now that, although I was much disappointed, and everything looked dreary and uninteresting about me, I was a long way off misery. Indeed, the passing vision of a neat unbonneted village girl on her way to the well was attractive enough still to make me rise and go to the window. While watching, as she wound up the long chain, for the appearance of the familiar mossy bucket, dripping diamonds, as it gleamed out of the dark well into the sudden sunlight, I heard the sound of horse's hoofs, and turned to see what kind of apparition would come. Presently it appeared, and made straight for the inn. The rider was Mr Coningham! I drew back to escape his notice, but his quick eye had caught sight of me, for he came into the room with outstretched hand.

'We are fated to meet, Mr Cumbermede,' he said. 'I only stopped to give my horse some meal and water, and had no intention of dismounting. Ale? I'll have a glass of ale too,' he added, ringing the bell. 'I think I'll let him have a feed, and have a mouthful of bread and cheese myself.'

He went out, and had I suppose gone to see that his horse had his proper allowance of oats, for when he returned he said merrily:

'What have you done with my daughter, Mr Cumbermede?'

'Why should you think me responsible for her, Mr Conningham?' I asked, attempting a smile.

No doubt he detected the attempt in the smile, for he looked at me with a sharpened expression of the eyes, as he answered--still in a merry tone--

'When I saw her last, she was mounted on your horse, and you were on my father's. I find you still on my father's horse, and your own--with the lady--nowhere. Have I made out a case of suspicion?'

'It is I who have cause of complaint,' I returned--'who have neither lady nor mare--unless indeed you imagine I have in the case of the latter made a good exchange.'

'Hardly that, I imagine, if yours is half so good as she looks. But, seriously, have you seen Clara to-day?'

I told him the facts as lightly as I could. When I had finished, he stared at me with an expression which for the moment I avoided attempting to interpret.

'On horseback with Mr Brotherton?' he said, uttering the words as if every syllable had been separately italicized.

'You will find it as I say,' I replied, feeling offended.

'My dear boy--excuse my freedom,' he returned--'I am nearly three times your age--you do not imagine I doubt a hair's breadth of your statement! But--the giddy goose!--how could you be so silly? Pardon me again. Your unselfishness is positively amusing! To hand over your horse to her, and then ride away all by yourself on that--respectable stager!'

'Don't abuse the old horse,' I returned. 'He _is_ respectable, and has been more in his day.'

'Yes, yes. But for the life of me I cannot understand it. Mr Cumbermede, I am sorry for you. I should not advise you to choose the law for a profession. The man who does not regard his own rights will hardly do for an adviser in the affairs of others.

'You were not going to consult me, Mr Coningham, were you?' I said, now able at length to laugh without effort.

'Not quite that,' he returned, also laughing. 'But a right, you know, is one of the most serious things in the world.'

It seemed irrelevant to the trifling character of the case. I could not understand why he should regard the affair as of such importance.

'I have been in the way of thinking,' I said, 'that one of the advantages of having rights was that you could part with them when you pleased. You're not bound to insist on your rights, are you?'

'Certainly you would not subject yourself to a criminal action by foregoing them, but you might suggest to your friends a commission of lunacy. I see how it is. That is your uncle all over! _He_ was never a man of the world.'

'You are right there, Mr Coningham. It is the last epithet any one would give my uncle.'

'And the first any one would give _me_, you imply, Mr Cumbermede.'

'I had no such intention,' I answered. 'That would have been rude.'

'Not in the least. _I_ should have taken it as a compliment. The man who does not care about his rights, depend upon it, will be made a tool of by those that do. If he is not a spoon already, he will become one. I shouldn't have _iffed_ it at all if I hadn't known you.'

'And you don't want to be rude to me.'

'I don't. A little experience will set _you_ all right; and that you are in a fair chance of getting if you push your fortune as a literary man. But I must be off. I hope we may have another chat before long.'

He finished his ale, rose, bade me good-bye, and went to the stable. As soon as he was out of sight, I also mounted and rode homewards.

By the time I reached the gate of the park, my depression had nearly vanished. The comforting power of sun and shadow, of sky and field, of wind and motion, had restored me to myself. With a side glance at the windows of the cottage as I passed, and the glimpse of a bright figure seated in the drawing-room window, I made for the stable, and found my Lilith waiting me. Once more I shifted my saddle, and rode home, without even another glance at the window as I passed.

A day or two after, I received from Mr Coningham a ticket for the county ball, accompanied by a kind note. I returned it at once with the excuse that I feared incapacitating myself for work by dissipation.

Henceforward I avoided the park, and did not again see Clara before leaving for London. I had a note from her, thanking me for Lilith, and reproaching me for having left her to the company of Mr Brotherton, which I thought cool enough, seeing they had set out together without the slightest expectation of meeting me. I returned a civil answer, and there was an end of it.

I must again say for myself that it was not mere jealousy of Brotherton that led me to act as I did. I could not and would not get over the contradiction between the way in which she had spoken _of_ him, and the way in which she spoke _to_ him, followed by her accompanying him in the long ride to which the state of my mare bore witness. I concluded that, although she might mean no harm, she was not truthful. To talk of a man with such contempt, and then behave to him with such frankness, appeared to me altogether unjustifiable. At the same time their mutual familiarity pointed to some foregone intimacy, in which, had I been so inclined, I might have found some excuse for her, seeing she might have altered her opinion of him, and might yet find it very difficult to alter the tone of their intercourse. _

Read next: Chapter 28. In London

Read previous: Chapter 26. A Riding Lesson

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