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Portent, a fiction by George MacDonald |
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Chapter 13. Questioning |
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_ CHAPTER XIII. Questioning I laid myself on the couch she had left, but not to sleep. A new pulse of life, stronger than I could bear, was throbbing within me. I dreaded a fever, lest I should talk in it, and drop the clue to my secret treasure. But the light of the morning stilled me, and a bath in ice-cold water made me strong again. Yet I felt all that day as if I were dying a delicious death, and going to a yet more exquisite life. As far as I might, however, I repressed all indications of my delight; and endeavoured, for the sake both of duty and of prudence, to be as attentive to my pupils and their studies as it was possible for man to be. This helped to keep me in my right mind. But, more than all my efforts at composure, the pain which, as far as my experience goes, invariably accompanies, and sometimes even usurps, the place of the pleasure which gave it birth, was efficacious in keeping me sane. Night came, but brought no Lady Alice. It was a week before I saw her again. Her heart had been stilled, and she was able to sleep aright. But seven nights after, she did come. I waited her awaking, possessed with one painful thought, which I longed to impart to her. She awoke with a smile, covered her face for a moment, but only for a moment, and then sat up. I stood before her; and the first words I spoke were: "Lady Alice, ought I not to go?" "No," she replied at once. "I can claim some compensation from them for the wrong they have been doing me. Do you know in what relation I stand to Lord and Lady Hilton? They are but my stepmother and her husband." "I know that." "Well, I have a fortune of my own, about which I never thought or cared--till--till--within the last few weeks. Lord Hilton is my guardian. Whether they made me the stupid creature I _was,_ I do not know; but I believe they have represented me as far worse than I was, to keep people from making my acquaintance. They prevented my going on with my lessons, because they saw I was getting to understand things, and grow like other people; and that would not suit their purposes. It would be false delicacy in you to leave me to them, when you can make up to me for their injustice. Their behaviour to me takes away any right they had over me, and frees you from any obligation, because I am yours.--Am I not?" Once more she covered her face with her hands. I could answer only by withdrawing one of them, which I _was_ now emboldened to keep in my own. I was very willingly persuaded to what was so much my own desire. But whether the reasoning was quite just or not, I am not yet sure. Perhaps it might be so for her, and yet not for me: I do not know; I am a poor casuist. She resumed, laying her other hand upon mine:-- "It would be to tell the soul which you have called forth, to go back into its dark moaning cavern, and never more come out to the light of day." How could I resist this? A long pause ensued. "It is strange," she said, at length, "to feel, when I lie down at night, that I may awake in your presence, without knowing how. It is strange, too, that, although I should be utterly ashamed to come wittingly, I feel no confusion when I find myself here. When I feel myself coming awake, I lie for a little while with my eyes closed, wondering and hoping, and afraid to open them, lest I should find myself only in my own chamber; shrinking a little, too--just a little--from the first glance into your face." "But when you awake, do you know nothing of what has taken place in your sleep?" "Nothing whatever." "Have you no vague sensations, no haunting shadows, no dim ghostly moods, seeming to belong to that condition, left?" "None whatever." She rose, said "Good-night," and left me. _ |
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