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_ MY timidity and my obscurity occasioned me to live a secluded life
at college, and to be little known. No relative ever came to visit
me, for I had no relative. No intimate friends broke in upon my
studies, for I made no intimate friends. I supported myself on my
scholarship, and read much. My college time was otherwise not so
very different from my time at Hoghton Towers.
Knowing myself to be unfit for the noisier stir of social
existence, but believing myself qualified to do my duty in a
moderate, though earnest way, if I could obtain some small
preferment in the Church, I applied my mind to the clerical
profession. In due sequence I took orders, was ordained, and began
to look about me for employment. I must observe that I had taken a
good degree, that I had succeeded in winning a good fellowship, and
that my means were ample for my retired way of life. By this time
I had read with several young men; and the occupation increased my
income, while it was highly interesting to me. I once accidentally
overheard our greatest don say, to my boundless joy, 'That he heard
it reported of Silverman that his gift of quiet explanation, his
patience, his amiable temper, and his conscientiousness made him
the best of coaches.' May my 'gift of quiet explanation' come more
seasonably and powerfully to my aid in this present explanation
than I think it will!
It may be in a certain degree owing to the situation of my college-
rooms (in a corner where the daylight was sobered), but it is in a
much larger degree referable to the state of my own mind, that I
seem to myself, on looking back to this time of my life, to have
been always in the peaceful shade. I can see others in the
sunlight; I can see our boats' crews and our athletic young men on
the glistening water, or speckled with the moving lights of sunlit
leaves; but I myself am always in the shadow looking on. Not
unsympathetically, - God forbid! - but looking on alone, much as I
looked at Sylvia from the shadows of the ruined house, or looked at
the red gleam shining through the farmer's windows, and listened to
the fall of dancing feet, when all the ruin was dark that night in
the quadrangle.
I now come to the reason of my quoting that laudation of myself
above given. Without such reason, to repeat it would have been
mere boastfulness.
Among those who had read with me was Mr. Fareway, second son of
Lady Fareway, widow of Sir Gaston Fareway, baronet. This young
gentleman's abilities were much above the average; but he came of a
rich family, and was idle and luxurious. He presented himself to
me too late, and afterwards came to me too irregularly, to admit of
my being of much service to him. In the end, I considered it my
duty to dissuade him from going up for an examination which he
could never pass; and he left college without a degree. After his
departure, Lady Fareway wrote to me, representing the justice of my
returning half my fee, as I had been of so little use to her son.
Within my knowledge a similar demand had not been made in any other
case; and I most freely admit that the justice of it had not
occurred to me until it was pointed out. But I at once perceived
it, yielded to it, and returned the money -
Mr. Fareway had been gone two years or more, and I had forgotten
him, when he one day walked into my rooms as I was sitting at my
books.
Said he, after the usual salutations had passed, 'Mr. Silverman, my
mother is in town here, at the hotel, and wishes me to present you
to her.'
I was not comfortable with strangers, and I dare say I betrayed
that I was a little nervous or unwilling. 'For,' said he, without
my having spoken, 'I think the interview may tend to the
advancement of your prospects.'
It put me to the blush to think that I should be tempted by a
worldly reason, and I rose immediately.
Said Mr. Fareway, as we went along, 'Are you a good hand at
business?'
'I think not,' said I.
Said Mr. Fareway then, 'My mother is.'
'Truly?' said I.
'Yes: my mother is what is usually called a managing woman.
Doesn't make a bad thing, for instance, even out of the spendthrift
habits of my eldest brother abroad. In short, a managing woman.
This is in confidence.'
He had never spoken to me in confidence, and I was surprised by his
doing so. I said I should respect his confidence, of course, and
said no more on the delicate subject. We had but a little way to
walk, and I was soon in his mother's company. He presented me,
shook hands with me, and left us two (as he said) to business.
I saw in my Lady Fareway a handsome, well-preserved lady of
somewhat large stature, with a steady glare in her great round dark
eyes that embarrassed me.
Said my lady, 'I have heard from my son, Mr. Silverman, that you
would be glad of some preferment in the church.' I gave my lady to
understand that was so.
'I don't know whether you are aware,' my lady proceeded, 'that we
have a presentation to a living? I say WE have; but, in point of
fact, I have.'
I gave my lady to understand that I had not been aware of this.
Said my lady, 'So it is: indeed I have two presentations, - one to
two hundred a year, one to six. Both livings are in our county, -
North Devonshire, - as you probably know. The first is vacant.
Would you like it?'
What with my lady's eyes, and what with the suddenness of this
proposed gift, I was much confused.
'I am sorry it is not the larger presentation,' said my lady,
rather coldly; 'though I will not, Mr. Silverman, pay you the bad
compliment of supposing that YOU are, because that would be
mercenary, - and mercenary I am persuaded you are not.'
Said I, with my utmost earnestness, 'Thank you, Lady Fareway, thank
you, thank you! I should be deeply hurt if I thought I bore the
character.'
'Naturally,' said my lady. 'Always detestable, but particularly in
a clergyman. You have not said whether you will like the living?'
With apologies for my remissness or indistinctness, I assured my
lady that I accepted it most readily and gratefully. I added that
I hoped she would not estimate my appreciation of the generosity of
her choice by my flow of words; for I was not a ready man in that
respect when taken by surprise or touched at heart.
'The affair is concluded,' said my lady; 'concluded. You will find
the duties very light, Mr. Silverman. Charming house; charming
little garden, orchard, and all that. You will be able to take
pupils. By the bye! No: I will return to the word afterwards.
What was I going to mention, when it put me out?'
My lady stared at me, as if I knew. And I didn't know. And that
perplexed me afresh.
Said my lady, after some consideration, 'O, of course, how very
dull of me! The last incumbent, - least mercenary man I ever saw,
- in consideration of the duties being so light and the house so
delicious, couldn't rest, he said, unless I permitted him to help
me with my correspondence, accounts, and various little things of
that kind; nothing in themselves, but which it worries a lady to
cope with. Would Mr. Silverman also like to -? Or shall I -?'
I hastened to say that my poor help would be always at her
ladyship's service.
'I am absolutely blessed,' said my lady, casting up her eyes (and
so taking them off me for one moment), 'in having to do with
gentlemen who cannot endure an approach to the idea of being
mercenary!' She shivered at the word. 'And now as to the pupil.'
'The -?' I was quite at a loss.
'Mr. Silverman, you have no idea what she is. She is,' said my
lady, laying her touch upon my coat-sleeve, 'I do verily believe,
the most extraordinary girl in this world. Already knows more
Greek and Latin than Lady Jane Grey. And taught herself! Has not
yet, remember, derived a moment's advantage from Mr. Silverman's
classical acquirements. To say nothing of mathematics, which she
is bent upon becoming versed in, and in which (as I hear from my
son and others) Mr. Silverman's reputation is so deservedly high!'
Under my lady's eyes I must have lost the clue, I felt persuaded;
and yet I did not know where I could have dropped it.
'Adelina,' said my lady, 'is my only daughter. If I did not feel
quite convinced that I am not blinded by a mother's partiality;
unless I was absolutely sure that when you know her, Mr. Silverman,
you will esteem it a high and unusual privilege to direct her
studies, - I should introduce a mercenary element into this
conversation, and ask you on what terms - '
I entreated my lady to go no further. My lady saw that I was
troubled, and did me the honour to comply with my request. _
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